Tuesday Chuckle

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask you a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The Officer asked "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to the bottom of my waist I have nothing to declare"
The Officer thought this answer strange, so asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said "Go ahead, Father. Next?"

It works this way.
In the wild, predators kill the slow and weak from the herds, making the herds faster and healthier. (Hell on the others though)
Alcohol works the same way, it kills off the slow and weak brain cells, leaving only the strong, healthy cells behind. Since you only use the healthy brain cells, you get a lower 'signal to noise' ratio. Hence, you are smarter! Please pass me the Rum.

edit - damn spelling!

A blonde girl comes home from work looking dejected. Her mother asks, "Oh, honey. What's wrong?". The blonde says, "Well, ma. I lost my job at the M&M factory today."

Hearing this, the mother asks, "Why did you go and do that?" The blonde replies, "Well, ma. They said I wasn't doin my job right." The mother looks at her and says, "Well, child...what did they say that you did so wrong?"

The blonde looks her straight in the eye and says, "I threw out all the darn Ws."

:^0 (btw...that was told to me by a pretty lil blonde :) )

Guinness never has a headache.

Guinness doesn't have a birthday to forget.

You can have a Guinness in front of your mother and father.

Guinness never cries or gets jealous.

Guinness isn't bossy.

Your mates won't make fun of you for having an incredibly large Guinness.

Guinness doesn't have a mother-in-law.

:^0

and old..but it still cracks me up..

Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome....'
Patient: 'Is it common?'
Doctor: It's not unusual....'

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I was wrong, too!"

I LOVE sea salt and malt vinegar chips. Burns like h3!! though when it goes down the wrong pipe. ]:)

On a side note, that made me hungry for fish and chips (don't know where that craving came from? Left field I guess :D ) The best one I had was somewhere just outside of London. I don't remember where it was (I wish I could though, I was only 14 at the time)

A pig can eat an apple and turn it into delicious bacon. It's the ultimate recycling program.