Friday Yuk

thats SO wrong to be funny..but is anyways :)

where is everyone today..

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

This is the Kiwi Suicide Prevention Squad they have a Unique way yo prevent suicide attempts. ;)

http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj121/HAL9000_photo/KiwiSucidePreventSquad.jpg

This one doesn't require any explanation. :0

http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj121/HAL9000_photo/InternationMarageSymbol.jpg

Col 0:-)

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better then I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'"

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha?'"

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Then realises it's far too hot.
Sits down.
Pants a little.
Looks at the clear blue sky and squints at the sun.
"It's Friday", I say, "and it's almost time to leave"
Looks at the horizon and sees Shell, still running, occasionally glancing back.
Only have 40 or so minutes to go til the end of the week. By the time I get there, the pub will be open, I'll order a pint of nice cold lager and sit in the beer garden, quaffing and smoking with friends.

Ahhh, the end of the week and the start of a wonderful weekend.

CLANG!!!!!

I think reality has just hit me, the weekend is going to be wonderful up until 9am Saturday. Primary on call, with an outage on a major service all weekend, can't go anywhere, just in case. And then I have to (manually) update the AV software on around 35 servers on Sunday. Great!

I hope it rains.

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. 'Honey? What's wrong' I asked.

'Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!'

I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: 'Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?'

And that's when the fight started....

__________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

_____________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

_____________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

__________

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

__________

I sat down in my lazyboy and said to my wife: "honey would you get me a beer before it starts?"
She said "sure" and brought me beer...
Drank the beer and said: "honey would you bring a beer before it starts?"
She gave me a funny look, but brought me a beer without comment.
Drank the beer and said: "honey would you bring a beer before it starts?"
She said: "Now look...."
"Oh sure," I said. "Now it starts!"

And that's when the fight started....

Geography of a woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job.

Which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. You dig a hole in the ice. You line the hole with peas and when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the icehole.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?" =0
D
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take
the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 7
02,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Three women were sitting in an obstetrician's waiting room for their appointments. The redhead announces proudly, "I'm going to have a boy!" How do you know? one of the others asked. "I was on top, so I'm going to have a boy."

The brunette says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl! I was on the bottom, so I'll have a girl."
With that, the blonde bursts into tears. What's wrong? the others ask. The blonde looks up and cries, "I'm going to have a puppy!"