Friday Yuk

Found this. Hope it is o.k.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that g*dda**ed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Knew a guy that had one and it was horrible. I actually had to drive it once and you really appreciate ANY other car after that.

There is a place in the engine where sludge will build up. in the winter it will freeze and stop the flow of oil, so it all starts shooting out of the top of the engine.

You "fix" this by putting it in a headed garage for a day. greatttttt!

What's the difference between a Yugo and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.

What's on the last page of a Yugo owner's manual?
The bus schedule.

A lady went to a Yugo dealership to buy a car, only to be told that, due to new EEC regulations, she had to provide an account of her medical history before she could purchase the car.
Slightly annoyed she complied, and returned the following day with the required information.
The salesman read the documents & said "Sorry ma'am, but you can't buy a Yugo"
"Why on earth not?" asked the perplexed woman.
"Well," said the salesman, "It says here that you've had a hysterectomy, and you have to be a complete c**t to buy a new Yugo!"

Why do Yugos have a rear wash wipe ?
To remove the flies that crash into them.

What's the difference between getting out of the back of a Yugo and getting out of a sheep?
You don't get so embarrassed if someone sees you getting out of the back of a sheep.

Have a Great New Year, peeps!

Neil :D

I've heard that the name is Russian for "scrap metal". My brother-in-law had one. It was good at stalling. Applying the breaks too hard would start the wipers. It was a great car for humorists everywhere.

http://www.quizopolis.com/how_will_i_die_quiz.php

sorry for the morbidness but its really funny, apparently im going to die aged 78 by choking while trying to eat a live hamster :S I must remember to stay away from Hamsters.

Oh and Happy New Year everyone, hope everyone is now recovered. I just about have, the Germans really know how to celebrate!

starting the year as I mean to go on......

If I didn't lower the tone immediately, some people on here would think I was ill..... :p

GG

Can you ever get too much of a good thing? :D

Can I help Im very good at licking stamps, and I dont mind the taste either.

but just don't tell Steff that stamps today are self adhesive and don't require licking! :p

I figure this will take a few thousand stamps to cover the postage correctly! :D

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

"stay away from long poles...."

Welcome to the Impure Brigade, Stef, you're working well!

Brilliant example :p

GG

why pick on just those from Poland?

Oh, sorry, just realised you're talking about multi page surveys done as opinion polls.

I thought there had to be a reason why I enjoy Opinion Polls so much ;)

instead of reading [i]fancy me getting back in the gutter so soon after the holidays......[/i]

Shouldn't that have read [b]Fancy Me Being Out Of The Gutter For So Long During The Holidays?[/b] :p

If it wasn't a typo DM really having a bad effect on you and your morals as you seem to be developing some scruples. :(

Col ]:)

and look how we are behaving girls!

i know we should be hanging our heads in shame,but.....its just too much fun

I don't think my brain has returned form holidays yet..

honest guys, i spent 2 hours this morning trying to install a test demo of a HR database application..banging my head against the wall, wondering why its not working like it should..then after RE-READING the readme, i realise DUH..i need SQL 2005 (as oposed to 2000)..i wasn't even going to admit that, thats how stupid i feel, but i think it highlights my frame of mind today :)

now..to start that thread regarding JD's new name....

Tried unsuccessfully for at least 20 minutes to use one of the servers, got really angry when it wouldnt work and then found out that someone had switched off the computer its installed to over xmas. For some reason I was only getting a "not enough memory" message and not a "its switched off you idiot" message! These computers are so inconsiderate they dont think that we could have gone stupid over the holidays.

You're pin pointing it nicely GG :) [i]guess that should be pole pointing[/i]
May be you can explain the "oral" part more clearly at the M-n-G-day ]:) :0 ;)

I like your firstdaybackatworkitis mode. :x

Rob

no, not with a sword, to keep stock in, sheesh what a mind you have. Anyway, one of the biggest problems with long poles, was when you had a short hole to put it in, it kept popping out. Should only use a long pole in a long hole, otherwise you have way too much still sticking out. Always match the right sized pole to the right sized hole for the best match.