Friday Yuk

Sincerely,
HAL 9000

RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good..

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So... here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this. further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/family/resignation.shtml

Stupid Internet Company Names

The following are all legitimate companies that didn't spend quite
enough time considering how their online domain name might appear
... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out...

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South
Wales: www.molestationnursery.com .

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com .

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is:
www.cummingfirst.com .

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web
site: www.speedofart.com .

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Some Odd Things to Ponder

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

If you are going to shoot a mime, do you need a silencer ?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?

If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to the
pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from
a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

More Odd Things to Ponder

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you
get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall
has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?"

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought
of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- Tax. (Frequently, the questioner is taxing you, and many tax themselves thinking of an answer.)

.
[u][i]13 Things I Hate About Everyone[/i][/u]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are unwilling to get off their fat asses to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What the hell good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema just to stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'..... Didn't really give me much of a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before, like it, thus it can't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus had come would I be standing here, dumbass?

10 People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, boots?

11 When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12 People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13 McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets you blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you stupid McIdiot.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off when you die.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What is black and brown and looks Good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Way are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. When
launched, they can't be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the post office just recalled their latest
stamp?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them---people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet. (for some it would be clay pigeons)

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
$100 bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit
him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. It was so cold this winter------(how cold was it?)
A. It was so cold --- I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

20 Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night.....

1. I have absolutely no idea where my handbag is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Courtney
Love than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3a.m. hot dog from the van out front on the ground
(which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it
up and carry on eating while talking with my mouthful.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek standing at the
bar next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with was the bogan my best friend took to
her year ten reunion.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
just soda, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drinking.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.

You probably laughed at the ones that apply to you. Send this along
to all the girls you know who like to have fun. Make them laugh at
themselves like you do.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

ITALIAN CHRISTMAS

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent's
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I
thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and
pear trees..... I was wrong!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice
girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said. And that was that. Two
telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas
Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason
for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every
minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women
live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to
the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She
doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the
largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her
anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive.

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for
the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills
Karen like A cheeseburger on the barbecue and determines that Karen
does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He
pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.

Zio Giovanni walks in with my sister Zia Maria, assorted kids,
assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a
symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, anchovies and cheese.... no meat of course. When I offer to
make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points to the
anchovies with a look of disgust....

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other
varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next
room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting
uncomfortable. Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on
Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest,
temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?" My mother kicks
him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the
way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen
declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and
ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my
"Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry
Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly,
clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this
on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back
into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth,"
she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three
weeks."

"Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll
poison you."

8:30 p.m. - More fish

My stomach is knotted like one of those macram? plant hangers that
are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the
women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen,
who, instead, lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. <>Karen
makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling
painfully.

"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she
re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and
smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says,
"Whoops."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of
scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother
winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old
women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia Maria
does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her
chest. Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When
Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a
cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing
that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says.

Time passes, and believe it or not everyone is laughing and smiling
and filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the
shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.

THE END

If you aren't in stitches by now, you aren't Italian and/or don't know any Italians.

.
[i][b]Her Diary Entry: [/b][/i]
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say
anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I
could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace
intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was
still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was
bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me
or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't
really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and
he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because,
you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just
switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he
joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think
he's seeing someone.

[i][b]His Journal Entry: [/b][/i]
Played badly today -- shot 97. Couldn't putt to save my life! Felt kind of
tired. Got laid though.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

More a transcription of a recent event.

So, mojo and our spawn spent the 4th at my mother's house. We grilled meat and blew sh*t up, so we did what we were supposed to do.

To set this up..I know I've mentioned in the past the few times I've set our kitchen on fire. The following probably explains why this has happened to me more than once.

We get to my mom's house and enter the kitchen through the door from the garage.

Me: We're here.

My Mom: (hugs me). Do you want corn?

Me: The burner is all red. Randy (mojo) tells me it shouldn't be red. Is it up too high?

My Mom: No. The water for the corn will boil faster.

a conversation ensues on how long it takes to boil water. there are no clear winners in this debate.

Me: Mom, the burner is getting all smoky. I've seen this before. It's never good.

My mom: It's okay.

Me: No, it's not. Your smoke alarm is going to go off.

My Mom: No, it won't.

Me: Yes, it will. I see this amount of smoke all the time. This will set off the smoke alarm.

My Mom: No, it won't. I took all the batteries out.

Me: What?

My Mom: I took all the batteries out of all the smoke alarms. They went off every time I cooked.

Me: When did you do this?

My Mom: I dunno. About ten years ago?

Me: That's f*cked up, mom. You need your smoke alarms.

My Mom: Not the way I cook.

And I saw her wisdom. Sad.

On the other hand (where you have other fingers), I made JD's grandma's carrot cake. It was the HIT of the party. Every one loved it.

It's NOT weird to boil sausage before you grill it.

And any woman out there (who is in my age bracket) understands the necessity of the 'snow' setting.

Absolutely not..

the elements had sh*t all over them. Hence the smoke.

At least there were no flames.

I have done more than 110 in a car/truck. It didnt fly apart

Pork (ribs) should be boiled before cooked. Makes for a better meal.

Thermostat on SNOW. Hmmm, I dont think I have that setting... Maybe, I need a new one :^0

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:

? The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.

? There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the
tray.

? You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic tag in the middle of them.

? The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the
back of your ankle.

? The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

? There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down
to find an address.

? You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

? There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!

? You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

? Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the
mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

? You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a
cigarette.

? You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

? Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to
get a reading.

? A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the
radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

? You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.

? The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.

? A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with
your filling.

? You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7
am.

? You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to
get out.

? Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

? You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

? You have to inform five different sales people in the same
store that you're just browsing.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Now I know all of you have heard of the Tooth Fairy, and The Fairy God Mother,, But have you heard of the BITCH FAIRY??? Check Her Out..
Do not fear...the Bitch Fairy has arrived to put a smile on your face!!!!

http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee314/techman03/BitchFairy.jpg

and it is just as good. walnuts are more for added texture anyways.

I think that is our new goal, keep sending Mae recipes and make a cook out of her! :D

got a killer stir fry for you!

A Girl's First Time

(Assume you are a girl, if you're not.)

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room
for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your
body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He
begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him
within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you
have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a
tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A Rabbit for Easter

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop the day before Easter and asks,
"Excuthe me, thir, do you have any widdle bunny wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knee so that he's on her
level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack
wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and replies, "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a thit."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

a sign of the times

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called 'Lifeline'.

I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

.

[i][b][u]A Story You Hope is True[/i][/b][/u]

[i]Of course, now that we have a national "do not call" list we won't have much of
an opportunity to pull off something like this, but a friend of mine swears that
he actually did:[/i]

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was
greeted with, "Is this Jerrold Buller"? No one calls me "Jerrold" (not even my
mom), so I asked who was calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber
Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then, a really rotten but
brilliant plan just exploded in my brain!

I asked him if he knew Jerrold personally and why was he calling this number. I
then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles --
and the blood smears."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a
murder scene, making him a prime "person of interest," and that he must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a
summons to testify in this case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at
home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove
where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was
getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the
building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the
scurrying clatter of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears of laughter
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen
minutes. My food was cold, but who cares?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

.

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny
thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.
8. See. You're smiling already.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

.
Tom Clancy:
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."

Steve Martin:
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey:
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

Woody Allen:
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."

Unknown:
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield:
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."

Woody Allen:
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

George Burns:
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

Camille Paglia:
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

George Burns:
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."

Henry Miller:
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 62 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision."

Lynn Lavner:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL
convertible."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

.
One Sunday morning, a preacher in a small country church in Georgia
noticed that a little boy named Billy was staring up at the plaque that
hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small
American flags were mounted on either side of the plaque.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning, Billy."

Good morning, Preacher," replied the little boy, still focused on the
plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while
in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little Billy's voice
was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 10:00am or the
6:00pm?"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

.
Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and
knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet,
the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all
the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my
health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight
gawddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration
forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over
the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are
done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

SH1T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullsh;t! You send the
application to my house, then you ask me for my fockin' address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes working
there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to
dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh;t sakes. I just want to go and park my
arse on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh;t whether
I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the
urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me,
I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
city and get another fockin' copy of my birth certificate, to the
tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot
to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather
have us running all over the fockin' place like chickens with our
heads cut off, then find some arseholes to confirm that it's really me
on the gawddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?!

(fockin' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate focking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against
the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30
years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for
ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for
about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you
know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST
fockin' CHINA!!!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Add-Ons

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department ; store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says ; "101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons ; for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head
in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

An English Love Poem
(Who said British men aren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can Get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the soccer's on
And fetch another beer