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Canadian Friday smile

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by bob in calgary

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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000.00 per call. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 one could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was? She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 he could talk to God.

"O.K. , thanks" said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston New-York., N. Dakota, and Montana In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000.00 per call sign under it. Upon leaving Montana, the American saw a sign for CANADA and decided to see if Canadians had the same golden telephone. He arrived in Calgary Alberta and again there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 25 cents per call. The American was surprised and intrigued so he asked the priest about the sign, "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000.00 per call.
Why is it so cheap here.?"

The priest smiled and answered: "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call."

31 replies

by gbrownlee

A Quebecer drinks his Molson and suddenly throws his bottle in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Quebec, our beer bottles are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his bottle into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand to make the beer bottles that we don't need to drink out of the same bottle twice either!?

A Vancouver Police Officer, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Molson Canadian and drinks it, throws his bottle into the air, pulls out his registered pistol and shoots the Quebecer and the Iraqi. He says, "In B.C., we have so many Quebecers and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades;
The Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

by oz_media

HA HA !! Love them.

Sounds like you know BC well, except you missed the biggest imports of all. And the fact that anyone drinking Molson Canadian would be seen as an imposter form the get go. I find more tourists drink MC than locals, the locals that do would rink just about anything, and often do before that third Wednesday of the month. :)

I lived in Cape Brreton Nova Scotia for a year and a bit so it was fun to read some Newfie humour again, it's been a while. Americans replaced Newfies out here for such jokes, and a few racial minorities too of course.

by gbrownlee

A Truly Canadian Apology to the U.S.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron.

He is a moron but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you,
Rick Mercer
This Hour Has 22 Minutes

by oz_media

THat's really good and I haven't heard it yet, great job.

GET THE TITLE RIGHT THOUGH!!!

"FRIDAY YUK" people recognize and look for it, I have just been too sidetracked to remember it for a few weeks now. Good to see Friday humour has caught on, but you have to name it Friday Yuk, or else!!

by hal 9000

You've missed the last few weeks now without any form of thought for us who religiously look out for the Friday Yuk.

It took GOD saying goodbye to post the last one you're slipping and if you don't pull your socks up we will all have to come over and give you a slap on the wrist with a lump of 2 X 4 and then continue to do this until you remember to post the Friday Yuk. Of course it will have no bearing on your treatment that you use the poor excuse that after being whacked about by all these lumps of wood you are unable to type you'll just have to learn to type with a pencil in your mouth until your shattered arms repair themselves.

Col :D

by oz_media

I LIVE in a land of trees. :) BIG trees. As long as you LEAVE the 2X4 in Canada it will be okay.

Actually that reminds me, an old girlfriend brought her two kids (4 and 5) up here last year to see the whales. They saw the Weyerhauseur lumber camps and asked about all the STACKS AND STACKS AND STACKS of milled lumber in their yard with American flags stamped on the covers.

I explained that this is where the 2X4 forests are. The trees in the special forests grow square and straight with no branches, that's what makes them so valued around the world. I told them maybe next time their mother brought him out I would see if could get him a tour of the 2X4 forest. It is safer because less lumberjacks get hurt, but then again, less skilled people can be hired for less because all you need is a skillsaw to cut down the neat rows of 2X4 tress.

Their answer was if they are so special to Americans why don't they just send some special seeds to America so hey can grow their own, clever kid!

They made mum promise to come out next summer, the things I do to get....a friend to visit. :)

A year or so ago, when they were REALLY little, I told them the bails of hay wrapped in white plastic on the farms were actually giant marshmallows, the farmers place them there as an offering so the giants don't ruin the farms.

Of course this was shortly after them seeing Bugs Bunny as a miner in the Gaint's carrot patch.

by oz_media

That show is a RIOT!! It's really too bad they don't show it in the US, even though the joke's on them AND our own politicians,I think it would let them see what other people think in a humorous way and without the finger-pointing.

They blast the hell out of the US, in a comedic way but also Canada, it would be fair fun if they (the mainstream US) weren't so damn uptight about things.

by gbrownlee

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent for the rest of the country.
4. The Premier is a fat, alcoholic who is easy to make fun of.
5. Flames vs. Oilers.
6. Stamps vs. Eskies.
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
8. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be it's own country.
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.

by oz_media

It's actually true and what people live by. We got a piss tank for a mayor, awesome.
There's also the Big Crack that 'divides us'but I have to give it to you, I have driven in through Fort Steele and back through Rogers Pass dozens of times, each and every time you get chills when you see the rockies, a truly stunning spectacle that leaves any living soul in awe.

I think the only thing I prefer in BC over Alberta is the coast. I grew up in England, Lived in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia and now Vancouver Island???? Island boy perhaps?? :D

I HAVE to be at the ocean, even though I don't sail much anymore. Vancouver didn't cut it (though they do have good sailing), I needed the endless gaze of the Pacific, next stop Asia.

Although I don't see the Pacific from my home, Long Beach, Tofino and Uclulet are regular stops to me for camping and weekend advetures. That's it....the edge of the world.

I can understand exactly what the Europeans used to wonder as they looked out over the Atlantic, wonder if it all ended or came back full circle. Until you have experienced the edge of the world, you really cannot fathom the feeling you get.

Much like gazing to space when in the middle of nowhere, you can see stars upon stars upon stars upon stars endlessly.

I couldn't imagine possibly living in the MIDDLE of a country, like central US or something, where many people have never even SEEN an ocean. It certainly explains the self infatuated mindset of many who live in such isolation almost to the point where you wish you could help by letting them see the rest of the world.

But Alberta, ROCKS, gorgeous!! Cheap smokes (25's!) cheep liquor and GOOD service at private liquor stores, they are in teh process of removing many of the 'government dairies' here and opening up Beer Stores that sell liquor, finally!

My most favorable trips ever are visting long beach or Banff/Calgary/Jasper.

I don't think a lot of people realize what's there, maybe I should be quiet and keep it that way. Yes, that's it!

Everyone go to Hawaii and Mexico for your vacations, it's horrid up here!!! BLECH!!! YUCKY :p

by gbrownlee

That alone should keep the riff raff out of here. As we all know, as soon as you cross the 49th parrallel headed north, the land of ice and snow starts.

Top 10 reasons to live in B.C.

. 2010 Winter Olympics - champagne tastes on a beer belly budget.
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
3. The local Whistler hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
6. A university with a nude beach.
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
8. Great place for avalanche training.
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
10. A drunk driving premier - setting a good example for all British Columbians? a Ralph Klein wannabe.

by bob in calgary

I've travelled all round europe and the med but for me alberta is one of the most beautiful areas I've seen, We live about an hour out of calgary on a 23 acre ranch on top of a hill we have an unobstructed view of the mountains to the west and the high river valley to the east. To see that view from my doorstep makes working in IT bearable ( don't even mind the 70Km commute). Winter can be challenging but thats what snow days are for. As a reality check we have 12 alpacas, 16 llamas, 2 minute donkeys, 39 chickens 4 dogs and not sure how many cats, the yots keep eating them. But after a tough day fighting politics and BDEU's (brain dead end users) there is nothing more relaxing than working with the animals even it it is just shovelling sh*t then sitting back with a cold beer watching the sun set over the mountains.

by hal 9000

He has a magic cream that cures all hurts on little kids and he got it about 20 years ago from one of my brothers. At a funeral in Canberra I saw him go up to one of the little ones who had hurt herself and say "I'll use some of Uncle Tony's magic cream to take away the hurt and start the repair. Well the look on the kids face was worth everything as it was a cross between "Are you MAD" to "I wonder if this actually works" either way it stopped the tears but for the rest of the day the little girl was walking around looking at the injury and then her uncle. No one else got a look in.

Being the mad bar steward that I am I enjoyed it immensely and it did lighten up the day no end.

Col :D

by oz_media

I was playing with a girfriends 4 year old on a swing set at the park on a partially cloudy day. As a small cloud passed over the sun he jumped off the swing and ran toward the truck saying "IT'S GONNA RAAAAIIIIIN!!" I called him back and told him not to worry the sun will come back out. A second or two later the cloud passed and the sun beamed down on him, he glowed,gave me a big hug and said thanks. I just smiled and hugged him back and said..."You're welcome".

A friend that was with us just rolled his eyes and still gives me a hard time for pretending to be God.

But her son thinks the world of me!

by mlandis

Your friend is a nice guy.

I would have started busting you about the ponies...

Maureen

by oz_media

Yeah I figure I'll burn extra crispy with that one! You gotta admit though it is funny. The little guy was SO serious, he REALLY thought i made the sun come out. I just followed his lead!

"HONEST St. Peter, it was HIS lead!"

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

by maecuff

You're still in the crispy section. I'll bring some good Kansas city rub and we'll have a barbeque.

by hal 9000

The new computer and latest version of Windows but missing the Ctrl, ALT & Delete Keys?

Col :D

by hal 9000

And it one of the episodes I heard it said that Hell was a place where you went with all your friends.

I can live with that as I'd be surrounded by like minded people.

Col :D

by oz_media

My friend is a nice guy? Why for thinking I was a jerk for playing God?

A girfriend's kid for giving me a hug?

And why would you bust me for playing the ponies?

NO whiff to explain myself to! If I pee away cash on horses, so what?

A friend of mine won $7,800.00 on a $1 bet Sunday! DAMN!!!!

The nice thing about racing in Canada, people from the states FLOCK here to gamble. THis brings a lot of out of town money in that is usually on uneducated bets. They don't have the same knowledge of the local horses and will often just play whatever the tote board odds are. This brings long shot money WAY up.

Americans fill our casinos and racetracks on the weekends, unlike EVERYTHING else Canadian, we don't get taxed at the track on this income. In The States it's hardly worth winning by the time the government gets its chunk.

by oz_media

It's true!!

You cross from Bellingham to Canada and the ice and snow starts. Border guards wearing Muklucks and driving dog sleds will give you the third degree and question the ingredients of good poutine.

Where did you get your Vancouver facts from though?

>Olympics, I'll give you that but it will bring lots of opportunities to make some really fast cash.
?Two bridges?
Lets see, there are four joining Vncouver to teh outskirts, two PLUS two main streets to get from Vancouver into downtown.
>Whistler, ahh Ross! A True Canadian!
>The Okanagan wine is pretty damn good!
>Nobody buys a home downtown, $3000.00 gets you a nice house in the suburbs but they have the skytrain, gets you anywhere from the Vancouver area to any suburb in less than 30 minutes.
>UBC, well Wreck Beach is a nude beach and public market (you name it, you can buy it) by day, a party hangout by night. But those damn steps!!! Haven't done that uphill struggle since I was a teenager!
>Three Starbucks? YOU don't know how to throw a rock, you should be able to hit 4 or 5. And what god awful crap do they serve!?!?!
>Haven't heard nor seen any local avalanches lately, but yes Red Mountain in Rossland does have a world famous avalanche training school.
>The deforestation projects are from our friends ot the south who build massive corporations here and buy literally a third of our unprotected forests so they can do as they please with them.
>The Premier, hey I'd buy him a drink. I know he hangs out at a bar I used to frequent when living in town.

Ahhh reality, I LOVE Canada.

by oz_media

Is that anything like a three minute egg?

I always found them quite chewy when undercooked.

I had a group play outdoors at a private party for a retiree that had just bought a small resort/grow op in Seton Portage (another stunning little village). The band was going full tilt at about 1 AM but the llamas across the road got stirred up and about a dozen got through/over the fence somehow. There was a good 40 of us, running up and down the street (and I mean THE street) pissed drunk and laughing hysterically as we rounded them all back up for the neighbours.

They are surprisingly hard to climb on and ride though when they are so upset, and BOY do they ever get PO'd. Maybe a new rodeo event, I don't think I stayed on 8 seconds! LOL :D oh the memories!

Actually, do you or your family make any wool proudcts from them?

by bob in calgary

Damn spell checker, correction Miniture donkeys. Both my wife and I work full time in IT. We sell alpaca socks part time to friends but are actively investigating expanding the market for this type of stuff. We are looking at all aspects including Llama meat which not only tastes good but is near zero in fat content so It's healthy. Eventually we both want to kiss technology goodbye and retire to the Llama and Alpaca business.

by oz_media

The backbone of Canada, I love it and wish you both the best of luck!

THAT'S the issue with American and Canadian business differences. We believe in small cottage industry and small self made businesses. In America it seems that the quest to become a capitalist giant is more appealing.

Is it because we are more laid back due to our surroundings and just want to relax and enjoy it instead?

Kinda like looking at the playground through the windows when sitting in school. :)

by mlandis

Which is how I meant it. You predicted the weather. How often have you predicted the ponies incorrectly? Stats!

That was one hell of a long shot your friend won on a $1. bet. 7800-1? Hell, I'd play that just for the fun of it. I didn't know that a lot of people go up to the track from here. If there are no taxes to be paid on the wins, that's an added attraction.

Kids are cool. I had my two convinced of many things for the longest time. They thought I was magic sometimes. That look of awe is unforgettable! If your friend had a hard time with you getting a hug from a kid, shame on him.

Do people work across the borders as well? Is it worth it?

Maureen

by oz_media

NOw I see what you're getting at! The guy who won big had a $1 Superfactor bet, 1st, 2nd,3rd, 4th in order. He picked it stright with two longshots in the mix. Most would put multiple horses in each position, but the bet multplies with each added horse 'keying', most key bets will run up a good bill and then all the favorites come in and it doesn't even pay back the cost.
I think he was down to his last couple of bucks and just went on a wing and a prayer!

Now my friend wasn't scoffing mefor getting a hug from a little kid, it was the whole taking credit for the weather that threw him.

Work across the border, many USED to. Most local salesmen and techs work back and forth, but it is easier to get a work visa overseas than in the US now. I have worked with quite a few Americans in the past who'd commute in every day but don't see many on the island (WOW, that'd be a big daily cost!)

I used to contract out a few talent scouts in Oregon and California when I was more music focused with my career. It was easier than running back and forth to just have a couple of ofices in shared office space and staff them on a contract basis. THe industry is dead there now so it's not worth my time,most others have moved away from teh corporate music scene now too. The rest of the world has a much broader industry it seems.

Anyhow, I gotta get rolling along, take care.
OM

by gbrownlee

Hi Bob:

I too live in Alberta and could endlessly laud its vitues, but OZ does such a good job.

I was raised in Calgary and left the city right after the NEP was enacted.

I currently reside on a quarter section that is partially on top of a ridge, 45 minutes west of Red Deer. I too have a view, but not of the mountains. If I go a 1/4 mile, I can see them.

As for the Llamas,etc., don't be quittin' the day job too fast. Just think of the buffalo and elk ranchers that are losing lots of bucks on 'exotic' livestock. This year alone, there were two instances of ranchers releasing elk and bison locally. Couldn't afford to feed them. Got into alot of trouble with the law.

Its nice to 'see' a fellow redneck at TR.

Greg

by bob in calgary

Yes I know the problems, Folks put huge sums of money into these things because the value was seen in the animal sales not the products. I recently bought 6 Llamas for $50 each which were originally sold for 2-3,000 each. The way we figure it the value is in the products not the animals and that's what we are concentrating on. plus they are really cool critters to have around.

I'm thinking of training one of the Llamas to spit on command for when the JW's come round to "save" me.

I know the area you live in, my wifes uncle lives about 6Km north east of Rocky. Is your quarter trees or do you ranch/farm any of it?

by gbrownlee

I cleared about 25% of my quarter, the rest is native bush. Lots, and I mean lots of wildlife. One of the reasons I chose this spot. This area, N.E. of Leslieville, is called the blueberry hills.

The 40 or so acres that I cleared is improved pasture and I use it and the open bush to make a few $ boarding horses. People are willing to pay a whole lot more to pasture their pet horses than any farmer would be willing to pay for pasturing his cattle.

I work part-time on the farm, as you know, there's always something that needs doing. I also am a self-employed repair tech. I started doing this as a career, just last February. I find it utterly amazing at just how clueless some clients are with regards to operating a pc properly.

Good idea about the Llama's, I think they are too cute. The price was right too!

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