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Child custody, need to get some feed back

By jdclyde ·
Warning, non-technical, and of a personal nature. If you do not approve of such on this board, save yourself the time right now and find a different topic.

For those not up to speed, recently divorced. Got twin boys, age 14, refered to as Thing One and Thing Two.

Custody was joint physical, week with me, week with her.

In the last month, Thing Two has decided to be with me full time other than every other weekend. Thing One kept on the normal rotation.

The problems start.

The Ex got fired from her job, and has a real crappy part time job that doesn't pay the bills, so she is sharing a rental house with her brother, who needed a place to stay during his divorce.

He is a recovering Alcoholic, so I was nervious from the start. He has recently come unwound, and held a knife to his neck in front of his 10 and 7 year old sons. (this of course concerns me) The Ex took him in and had him admitted to the nuthouse where he was for four days. Put him on meds and he is back. Sorry, but I don't think four days and a few pills can straighten someone out that quickly. This has be fear for the boys physical safety.

We have not been divorced even a year, and she is on boyfriend number four that she has dragged in front of the boys. (whatever). The bad thing is that three of these she has taken the boys with her and spent the night at two of these boyfriends places, and the third would come and stay at her place. (because he didn't work, laid off truck driver. yeah right) Am I just a fuddy duddy to think it is inapropreate for someone to take their their 14 year old boys with them when they go and spend the night at their lovers house? This concerns me because that is not a proper way to act in front of children.

The house she is in is a two bedroom shack. (yes, it is a real dump) The boys "room" is the landing at the top of the stairs. You walk through the middle of it to get to her brothers bedroom. The boys end up sleeping on the couch down stairs, and have not had a proper bedroom with their mother since last October. I have an issue with this as growing boys need some privacy and a place to go to get away.

She does not have a home phone, just a cell phone. She typically refuses to take my calls, regardless what I am calling about.

Tonight everything boiled over when I found she took the boys and spend the entire weekend at her new lovers place. Yes, she is in his room with the door closed.

When I picked up the boys to start my week, I informed her I was going to be calling the courts, and I fully expected to not be giving them back the following week. Yes, she got pissed, I drove away.

A few minutes later she called me on my cell, defending her right to take the boys anywhere she wants, and I told her we would find out if the courts agree with me or her, and how I don't think it appropreate to be having sex with your changing partners in front of your teenage boys.

I also told her I want to see a release from the doctors that her brother is clear to have unsupervised visitation of his boys. Until that happens, I would not allow my boys back into that house.

End the end, the EX agreed to just let the boys stay with me full time until things straighten out with her brother, and she agreed she would not take the boys for sleepovers to her lovers house. All provided that I don't go to court.

For now, I agreed. Not sure if I should have nor not. I really need to get caught up with my journal, so I am better prepared for when I end up having to end up in court over this.

I love my boys more than anything, but would not try to stop them from having a relationship with their mother.

I have also gone out with three people, but the boys have never meet any of them, and I never left them home on my week to have them to go out, unlike her.

The question is, am I our of line?
Is it wrong for me to complain about her taking the boys and spening the night at other guys houses?
Is it wrong for me to not trust someone that is suicidal around my boys?

Should I just mind my own business, or am I on the right track? I don't know what the courts would say about the boyfriend, but I am sure they would be in my corner about her brother and not having a bedroom.

It never is easy, is it?

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Hey JD, I think you're doing the right thing, but

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Child custody, need to ge ...

two more points.

Put this latest agreement into writting and get her to sign it. In general a verbal contract is as strong as the paper it's written on.

Talk to the her local child welfare people, and tell them about your concerns for both your sons, and the nephews. Focus on the brother, and the lack of privacy at their home. Don't speak about the overnight trips to the boy friends - let the boys or her bring them up when interviewed.

Oh, best to talk to them on the Monday when the boys are with her, so they can call around and see for themselves.

BTW The boys welfare and sanity are your business until they're of legal age. And yeah I've been through most of this, seperated when son was 6, he's now going on 19 and avoiding the ex like crazy.

Often Child Welfare can get things done without having to go the full court route.

The only thing I'd have done different, was not warn her about the court, let the summons do that.

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your right

by jdclyde In reply to Hey JD, I think you're do ...

Never should have warned her about it.

I know for a fact that one of the beds is taken apart, and the other is covered with crap.

I don't think she will go for putting anything into writing, regardless of how badly she doesn't want me to go to court. The boys were there to witness this all, and know that they are now both staying with me until further notice.

I did state to them my concern about this being a verbal agreement because push comes to shove the court can pretty much only go by the agreed on custody that I am not following now. Got to really watch myself now, because I know she will be looking for any "gotcha" that she can get on me. Good thing I don't do anything! B-)

As for the monday deal, as the boys are not going back over there, there isn't anyway to do that. But they could see that there isn't a room setup for them.

Man, this is driving me nuts. The boys at least understand WHY I am doing this, and that it isn't just because I want them full time. They KNOW that I am just wanting the best for them, and she hasn't been doing it.

Thanks Ernest. I don't know how long things will stay this way, but if she does get out of line even once, I will do like you said and no warning, just file the papers.

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I would

by Jaqui In reply to your right

call child welfare for your area and ask that a worker come to your place asap, making sure the boys are home, tell the worker what is happening and why.
let them make the call on if you are justified in your concerns, since the boys can confirm or deny anything right then and there.

Give the boys uncle some credit, my 12 y/o cousin was the first one to leave the bedroom after his dad chased them all into it with a gun, he found dad's brains all over the living room wall. the boys cousins didn't get that experience.

DE is right though, don't mention the sleepovers, that would just set the child welfare people off on the wrong tangent thinking you just want custody to mak the ex look bad.

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OK, the boys are with you, well, talk to welfare

by Deadly Ernest In reply to your right

and have them confirm the situation re bedrooms at the ex's. Also talk about the nephews and brother-in-law as a seperate issue, that you are alerting them too.

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Think about these.....

by gadgetgirl In reply to Child custody, need to ge ...

You know I'm not going to go into the legal side; my speciality is UK not US legal!

Right, jd, start thinking logically.

1. By not getting anything in writing, YOU ARE LEAVING YOURSELF WIDE OPEN. She can take YOU to court, claiming you are keeping the boys contrary to the court order, which you are. She doesn't have to state/confirm/prove any verbal agreement; she can get away without even mentioning it - neither to the court or her lawyer. She can just go for it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she will, just be aware you're putting YOURSELF at risk here. Even if it's just a handwritten piece of paper, signed by you, her and a witness, it'll stand up in court. You need this pretty badly. The court may ask the boys what happened, but as they're still classed as minors, what they say about either parent, whether good or bad, can and will be classed as containing bias; whichever way it goes. Just watch your back, jd. Please.

2. Leave out anything to do with her boytoys. Don't go there, even with a barge pole of extended length. What you're doing here, is applying your own set of morals not just to her, but to the court personnel, too. Not everyone will be able to see the amount of "badness" in this; some will even see it as showing the boys some "real life", believe me. Bear in mind that every human being has a different moral standard to every other human being.

Why am I suddenly thinking Bill/Monica at this point??!!

I agree with Deadly - it could be seen as causing trouble; the last thing you want to do is become known as a trouble maker, in case (God forbid) something else crawls out of the woodwork in the future.

As for your BIL, I think you'll have trouble finding out anything but what she tells you. A court order would be needed to get anything definitive in the first place. Just keep yourself and the boys out of harms way. Four days and some pills MAY work (remember where I work, here!) but I'd ask her if he has any follow-up appointments booked. If he hasn't....then keep well away. If this is the first time he's gone this far, he'll try again if there is no follow up. If this is something "usual" for him, he should be in some sort of counselling loop in the first place. Not that he can be forced to attend, unfortunately........

Over here, the lack of bedrooms would be an issue due to EU directives and would involve all sorts of people who would be on your side. Over there? sorry love, haven't a clue.......

Good luck, sweetie


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BIL and not the first time

by jdclyde In reply to Think about these.....

From what I have found out NOW (after the fact) he had threatened this a few times before he even went to jail the last time and was still living with his wife. (year ago?) He has also been going nuts because his wife is very actively dating. She had been letting him have the kids every weekend just so she could go out, and this has not helped his mental state. Midnight and he would have his boys call her to see where she is. real ugly stuff.

And as I mentioned, he has had a very bad problem with booze before this whole thing even started, so when his divorce started getting ugly it didn't take much to push things over the edge.

So no, this by no means is not the first time, and I really do think he is a threat to everyone around him.

I will call EX about getting something in writting before the week is up. It is my week now, and so I am a full week away from not being in compliance with the divorce custody terms.

Journal mode is going like crazy, and writting down any and everything I can think of.

Thanks luv!

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Sorry you're in this mess.

by TonytheTiger In reply to Child custody, need to ge ...

The courts won't have much to say about the boyfriend, so I wouldn't even mention it in court. Stick to the safety and housing issues. Also what do the boys say? At 14, they are probably mature enough to have a say in where they want to live.

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Having a say

by jdclyde In reply to Sorry you're in this mess ...

Thing Two had already moved in with me full time before this even started.

Thing One has been hanging on to the week on/week off, but I am pretty sure it is more out of guilt and not wanting to hurt his mothers feelings more than anything else.

Yeah, everyone is saying the same thing about the boytoys. It drives me nuts to think people have a RIGHT to be as degenerate in front of their kids as they want. Land of the Brave, or land of the knave?

Ah, what do I know?

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by Jaqui In reply to Having a say

you do realise that running away from sexual expression doesn't help the boys either?

blatant sexual activity might not be great, but an open acknowledgement that sex is a natural part of life is good for them, and you.
then when you do get yourselfgg there you don't have to worry about them imagining what's happening behind closed doors ]:)

they'll know she has you tied up and is tormenting you.

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We have had several talks

by jdclyde In reply to ~poke~

And for now I am trying to keep sex as more than some dogs *******. They have after they are married to find that out. :0

Respect for yourself and the people around you. Sex can be respectful if you crack the whip hard enough? ;\

It isn't the sex that I am trying to stop. It is partner hopping right in front of the boys faces, and doggie ******* guy after guy with the boys in the next room. It doesn't have to be in front of them like this.

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