Community archive

Ask something
Discussion Locked

Creative Uses For Office Supplies

0 helpful
30 replies

by tig2

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

Have you ever wondered about the ubiquitous items that you interact with on a daily basis? Do they have any other purpose in life than to support your corporate need to satisfy silliness inflicted on you by id10t bosses who are satisfying silliness inflicted on them?

I propose this as an alternate use theory...

We are all well aware of the issues that surround workplace violence. It is never acceptable to club your co-workers with ... well- a club. But what if you use ... say- a printer. Or a notebook. Or a computer? I think that in that case, what you have is a workplace accident. And consider the time savings here. The printer goes TU for the 15th time, you need the document spooled to memory that it refuses to print, you have already cleared multiple paper jams. Are you a tad frustrated? Darned right you are! And in the midst of your ire, some id10t co-worker wanders by and gives you a hard time about being an IT professional who can't even print a simple document.

What to do, what to do.

Simply pick up the printer and give the offending co-worker a sharp tap on ... oh say, the head with it. Is this workplace violence? I propose that it is not. A printer is an office supply. Office supplies are everywhere in the environment. Therefore, it is an accident.

And consider the cost savings. No more expensive visits to the pshrink over silly "anger management" problems. Why? Well, problem solved, of course!

I know that frustrations abound out there. What are you feeling and what office supply would be the best vehicle for expressing yourself? I know there is creativity in the tech world. Let it run rampant! :)

Edited because I found typos... finally

30 replies

by jaqui

throw the printer at the windows behind the miscreant, when the printer bounces off his head you can vent on him for getting in the way of you doing your job. ]:)

by hal 9000

A mate who works for the State Government here in the Health Department told me this story.

The [b]Big Boss[/b] wanted a Laser printer moved so she didn't have to walk so far to get her printed work. Well it did mean a trip up 1 floor so it sort of made sense I suppose. The so called Tech instructed to move the 50 ppm Laser Printer was told not to use the single elevator in the building but to take it down the steps so as to avoid congestion. He dutifully lifted this monster of a printer down and slid a trolley under it tipped if up and began to move the printer. He didn't think to bother to actually strap the printer to the trolley so at the first step it bounced off the trolley down a flight of steps destroying itself on the way. :D

I'll not bother mentioning the two civilians who where walking up the steps for exercises they just got run over by the now out of control printer which was still picking up speed. The railings which where keeping the bulk of it on the stairs took a real pounding as well and are still bent out of shape today. :^0

It eventually cane to rest after proceeding down 3 flights of stairs into the car park where it embedded itself in the side of the car of the person who demanded it moved. Well what was left of it at least. :0

Now this was a complete write off and even today about 18 months latter they are still finding bits and pieces of this printer in the gardens and car park. The person who was responsible for demanding it moved was so over budget that they didn't have the necessary funds to replace it so they got it repaired as that came out of a different budget and they could have bought 3 New Printers of the same Model with change for what they paid to have it repaired. Even today the printer is looking worse for wear and fails to work properly but because of the amount of money spent on it they can not replace it for another 3 years. ?:|

Now the costs involved in this fiasco 2 Civilians injured severely who settled out of Court for the Injuries that they sustained, one severe amount of damage to the Bosses car which the Department paid to have fixed and finally what effectively amounted to the cost of 3 equivalent print rs sitting on the same desktop no longer working properly and now has a companion standing beside it all day to clear paper jams. That added the position for another Bureaucrat. X-(

Now the staff there when they want something new destroy the item and when asked say that the Tech Responsible for the above fiasco attempted to move the broken unit and this is how it ended up. He isn't even a Tech just a Gofer who was given the position of an IT Tech so that, that part of the budget would be spent and without any qualifications he's called an IT Tech.

It's really good to see the Government saving our money in ways like this. :D

Col ]:)

by tig2

I know that the story is true- it is too ridiculous to NOT be true! But almost impossible to believe.

For any sane mind. Please note that I am excluding Government minds...

Thanks for sharing!

by jaqui

throw pesky co-workers down the stairs!!!!

oooohhh I'm a liking this. ]:)

I'm really liking this ]:) ]:)

~eyes starting to glow with an evil light~

by shellbot

your not looking at the big picture Jaq!! Are you with me on this?

OFFICE STATIONARY OLYMPICS!!

think of the possibilities!
Racing printers, scanner toss, scissor javelin, post-it discus, why the possibilities are endless.

by rob mekel

It would bring on some extra joy if it made the printer work again ergo make your work progress a little bit further.

As I do think the co-worker won't like being taped on nor being thrown at, he/she will pick up the scanner and throw back at you.
I can imagine that this will escalate into an enormous throwing "party" that eventually will cause the bankruptcy of the company that you work in, what will throw you out off a job. That is if your boss doesn't do the same to you. The result will be the same: you getting unemployed! :(

Altho I do like to have some of my colleges to be thrown out, I don't like myself to be the subject of that.

Rob

ps As a scanner has some glass in it it can cause some extra harm done to the receiving one.

by tig2

If you tap the offending co-worker properly, they shouldn't have the ability to pick up the scanner and throw it back. In the event that they do, duck.

When the ensuing "party" begins, pick up the nearest phone and dial 911 (or whatever the emergency number is where you are). Report that your workplace has just gone off the deep end. After the riot squad shows up, begin the clean up effort. The company may go bankrupt but you will likely be on the "close out" project. Capitalise on this by looking for another job. Alternatively, you could propose a restructuring plan that saves the company and nets you a raise.

See how easy? :)

by rob mekel

Is this the time the ducks from GG and Dawg fly/march in ?:|

That part after the dailing --> the "close out" project makes me wonder if it will work now on the spot as well. I could do with a raise :D :)

tnx for the tip Tiggertwo :x

Rob

[i]edited for format[/i]

by hal 9000

While the unconscious person is collapsed over their desk you pick up the scanner and beat then up with it because they prevented you from getting the Printer to [b]Interface with Windows![/b] After all how can you install a printer if the [b]End User[/b] keeps preventing you from doing your job? :^)

That way the [b]End User[/b] cops the blame and Injuries. :D

Col ]:)

by jaqui

use a pneumatic construction staple gun.

staple the target to the wall for the dvd discuss throw.

or the thumb tack dart contest or the scissor javelin toss. ]:)

by heml0ck

say you are out in the manufacturing yard servicing a pc, printer, or switch which of course refuses to cooperate.
An id10t employee who just makes a snide remark may encounter an accident with ... oh say an overhead crane, while an id10t employee who is continaully harassing might have an accident with say.... hmmm, a forklift!
These are pieces of workplace equipment, and some of them even have computers inside!

by hal 9000

My Note Book before this one had a little accident when at one of my customers places I was asked to plug it into the Diagnostics of a [b]Big Excavator[/b] apparently they had all the diagnostic connectors but no portable computer to plug them into VIA a USB Port. Now being the good little tech that I am I just said well it's OK with me but I honestly know very little about those things. I was told that the fitter there would actually do the work and all I would be required to do was read the codes being shown on the screen. Sounded Easy. :D

Well I was never actually told what the problem with this thing was so with the fitter inside the cab and the leads hanging out the side of the Cab I was told to plug in and run the program with the NB sitting quite safely on one of the tracks. Everything went smoothly and I was reading the codes as they appeared and there was nothing coming up as wrong until he lifted the bucked about 10 feet off the ground. The excavator just took off at full speed ahead I jumped back and didn't bother to even look at the screen in my haste to beat a retreat to a safe distance. Of course I got to see my NB fall off the front of the track just before being run over by this [b]NB Eating Monster.[/b] The fitter then shut the thing down and came over and asked me what was the code on the monitor when the thing started moving. Seems that this was the problem and no one had bothered to actually inform me about this or I would have acted slightly differently by firstly being prepared for this to happen and I would have had my NB inside the cabin for it's own safety even if the fitter was constantly standing on the [b]Bloody Thing![/b] :0

Naturally I was too interested in saving my own skin so I had absolutely no idea of what was on the screen when everything went wrong and I wasn't particularly interested either so they didn't get to find out what part of the on board electronics where failing. They then asked me if I had another NB with me so they could do it again. :^0

I just walked to the car and grabbed every USB extension lead that I had in it and handed them these cables and suggested that it may be a nice idea to use one of their computers to cure this problem. As I had by then finished I just packed up and went home leaving the remains of the NB under the track where it was safe from any further damage and wrote out a invoice for the work all the USB extension leads and a new NB for me. I also asked for immediate payment for the hardware component of the invoice which was effectively the cost price of a replacement NB for me and faxed it off straight away. I had payment that night and a replacement NB within a few days mainly because the carrier lost one of the boxes that they where caring from Sydney to Brisbane. It only had a HDD and some other parts for a NB in it so I had to wait for it to arrive before I could build my new NB and have all my tools available to me again. The same crowd then asked me to do the same thing again with my new NB and as the unit had not been moved my old one was where I had left it. So I agreed but this time knowing what was going to happen I got into the cab behind the operators seat and read off the Codes. The funny thing was that even when the unit did malfunction again the codes where showing that everything was working perfectly. So I didn't help them out at all. :D

But after the second incident the remains of my old NB where exposed and they asked me if I wanted to try to salvage anything from it I just picked up a shovel and moved the remains into a dumpster. ;)

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

The last run that I pulled ended up tied as a hangman's noose around a neck of an apprentice and hung from the main support structure in the suspended ceiling. [b]Man that was a hard cable to pull there was so much weight on it that I had to bring one of the 4 Wheel Drives to the door and use the winch on the front of it. [/b] But ever since I haven't been allowed to pull any cable. :(

But that would be a good [b]Tug Of War[/b] with one person attempting to keep their neck straight and all the Tech staff pulling the cable. :^0

Someone could also soup up the WiFI to actually Fry the desired [b]End User[/b] with [b]High Energy RF[/b] from the directional antenna that they carry around with them. :D

Col ]:)

by apotheon

The IBM Model M keyboard, introduced circa 1984, was the very pinnacle of keyboard construction technology. They are characterized by buckling-spring switch keys with swappable keycaps, a satisfying clicky sound and easily recognizable-by-touch contact threshold, a heavy steel backplate, and enough heft to fell an ox with a single blow coupled with the durability to be used as normal immediately after slaying the beast. They have reportedly been used as weapons, bats in indoor cricket competitions, doorstops, chock blocks while jacking up the car, and grappling hooks without deleterious effects on the keyboard's operation. Due to their superior design characteristics, the vast majority of those Model M keyboards manufactured in the mid-'80s are still in service today, or operational but neglected by the young philistines who now rule the workplace and utterly fail to recognize their splendid quality. While new replicas retail for around $50, used 1984 Model M keyboards complete with twenty year old cookie crumbs under the keys often go for upwards of $150, and they're worth every penny. No kidding. Meanwhile, the dome-membrane switch keyboards manufactured this century have been hauled away to the landfill by the thousands, already failing and broken. The only vulnerability of the Model M keyboard is liquids: don't get it wet.

The next time some sniveling whiner tells you his ergonomic Microsoft Natural keyboard is better, and it can even be put in the dishwasher, take your IBM Model M keyboard by one end firmly in both hands and proceed to beat his metacarpals (the longish, thin bones in the back of the hand) into powder. When your supervisor asks what happened, and why the brat is screaming, inform him calmly that that he's had an attack of carpal tunnel syndrome and should probably be seen by a physical therapist. To prove your innocence, and that of your precious eight-pound (I kid you not) IBM Model M keyboard, you will be typing away comfortably at 120wpm, the very picture of tranquil productivity, the ultimate team player. It will, of course, be in perfect working order, as long as you were careful to not strike the soft, fleshy parts of your victim so that he did not bleed into it.

There were later variants of IBM Model M keyboard that featured drainage channels (we call them "blood grooves") to protect them against just such a mishap, but the incomparable quality of the keyboard design was slightly compromised. One does not screw with perfection.

by rob mekel

He's in live and kicking. Just see his "MY yuk yuk"

But I take it as a compliment, so THANKS Shellbot :)

[i] are you still in the cupboard? or did you switch it for a more comfortable closeth ;)[/i]

Have a nice weekend :x
Rob

by jaguar182

kind of like calf roping but using the IT person instead..:)

EDIT: umm the useless IT person that messes up working computers that is...

by gsg

Supplies: rubber bands, paper clips, tape
The method... Take a large paperclip and file down one end to a very sharp point. Now, take it and unbend that end until it is perpendicular to the rest of the paperclip and makes a sort of T shape. The loopy non-sharp part, should now be slightly bent so that something like a rubber band will sit in a dip. Suspend the rubber band between your fingers, and load with the sharpened missile. Launch at will. You can use the tape as a counter balance. Alternately, sharpen the small paper clip, and load it into the nose of your favorite style of paper airplane. Proceed to throw it at your co-workers. This is hours of fun as you listen to the screams.

by thefrown

A great olympic pastime. Fantastic devices for correcting the bad IT technician; especially when dropped on the toes ...

You could probably make a bolas out of a couple of mice for catching that runaway user.

Does anyone remember the Monty Python "B" film that was about the workers in an office block that go on the rampage - I think it was called "Crimson Pearl Assurance" and was shown with the Meaning of Life. Basically, the old office block is covered in scaffolding and sheeting and turns into a pirate ship which sails through the city, and the staff transform into pirates, using all the old office equipment as weapons. There's a great scene where they tear the blades off a ceiling fan and stick the ends into rubber stamps, converting them into swords.

This discussion is closed to new replies.