General discussion

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #2257213

    Day off Friday Yuk!

    Locked

    by jdclyde ·

    [i]Going to the doc today. They haven’t poked me with quite enough needles it seems! 🙁

    So I had to take a day off, as I drive an hour each way to work and back. No time to go to doc AND the two hours travel and still have any time to work. If I was going to miss a day, it might as well be friday! (yes, I have the boys WAY early this week! woo woo!)[/i]
    —————————————–

    Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, “According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing.”

    “Really?” asked the friend.

    The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, “And do you know what song they sing?”

    The friend nodded her head and replied, “No.”

    The therapist replied, “I didn’t think so.”

    ————————

    Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician’s waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

    One of the women said to the other, “I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top.”

    Replied the other woman, “Oh! That must mean that I’m going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top.”

    The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, “My heavens, what ever is wrong?”

    The third woman wailed tearfully, “I’m afraid that I may be having a puppy!”

    ———————–

    A young doctor had moved into a small town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:

    “Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids”

    The town fathers were greatly upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:

    “Queers & Rears”

    The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor finally came up with an acceptable sign:

    “Odds & Ends”
    ————————-

    Have a grand weekend all!

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #3209558

      Try this again!

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      “Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
      “Do you drink a lot?”
      “Not really – I spill most of it!”

      ———————–

      Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
      Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
      Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
      Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
      Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

      ————————-

      A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

      “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

      “Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

      “10…” says the doctor.

      “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

      “10…9…8…7…”

      ———————————

      A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
      “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
      The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

      ——————————–

      A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
      “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
      “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
      “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”

      The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

      The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

      ———————–

      A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
      2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
      1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
      1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
      1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
      1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
      2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

    • #3209554

      And to tie it all together

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.

      ———————————–

      A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
      The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” and the man replies, “No, just spots.”

      —————————-

      “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
      “And did he?”
      “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

    • #3209525

      WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
      Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
      Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
      Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
      And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
      WOMEN’S REVENGE
      “Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
      As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
      “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
      “No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
      and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
      UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
      (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
      I know I’m not going to understand women.
      I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
      pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
      and still be afraid of a spider.

      CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
      A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
      The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
      He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
      She directs him down the correct aisle.
      A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
      balls and a ball of string on the counter.
      She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
      He answers, ” You see, it’s like this,
      yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
      and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
      papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
      So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

      ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
      WIFE VS. HUSBAND
      A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
      An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
      neither of them wanted to concede their position.
      As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
      “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
      W O R D S
      A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
      30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
      The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
      The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
      CREATION
      A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be
      so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
      ” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
      God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
      God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
      WHO DOES WHAT
      A man and his wife were having an argument about who
      should brew the coffee each morning.
      The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first,
      and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
      The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and
      you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
      Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
      that the man should do the coffee.”
      Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
      So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
      and showed h im at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
      The Silent Treatment
      A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
      other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
      he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
      Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
      “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
      The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
      and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
      see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
      the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
      Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

      God may have created man before woman,but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

      Have a great weekend. 😀

      Col ]:)

      • #3209512

        Your a week late, Col!

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

        That post would have fit PERFECTLY in with my “Mature Yuk” last week! 😀 So much for being ahead of us, huh? ;\

        I figure SHMBO was looking over your shoulder the whole time, as these were not exactly the way a REAL guy would tell them! :p

        • #3209486

          And I only got them yesterday :(

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Your a week late, Col!

          But just to make my night I told [b]SHMBO[/b] the first one at the top of your original listing round 6.30 PM and got hit over the head I’ve just woken up and it’s going 10.30 PM and I have a headache. :0

          Col

    • #3209520

      Nice ones jd :)

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      ————
      LIFE AFTER DEATH

      ?Do you believe in life after death?? the boss asked one of his employees.

      ?Yes, Sir,? the new employee replied.

      ?Well, then, that makes everything just fine,? the boss went on. ?After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother?s funeral, she stopped in to see you.?

      ———–
      HALF PRICE

      US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their
      husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department
      sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates,
      asking how they enjoyed their trip.

      Letters are still pouring in asking, ?What
      trip??

      ————
      THE WATER PISTOL

      When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

      I turned to Mom and said, ?I?m surprised at you. Don?t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns??

      Mom smiled and then replied, ?I remember.?

      ————
      Engineers

      What?s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

      Mechanical engineers build weapons.

      Civil engineers build targets.

      ———

      Well have a great weekend all.

      Rob

      • #3209511

        :D

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Nice ones jd :)

        the “water pistols” one is perfect, although it is usually ME that bought things that drove the EX up the friggen wall! :^0

        All in all, a good list Rob!

      • #3209360

        Nice

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to Nice ones jd :)

        Those are nice Rob! 🙂

    • #3209499

      So where are all the brits?

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      As none of the brits have come out to play, we get to make fun of them! 😀

      ————————————

      Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called”Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
      The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity.
      On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called “Ticket, Please!” When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

      ——————————

      [b]What it is to be British[/b]

      It is often said that when it comes to sex and the British there is a strange undercover relationship between the two that would suggest we are shy about our sexual habits and find humour in everything of a sexual nature. Is this actually true? Do people in modern day Britain still have these repressive thoughts or have things changed?

      The British and flashing in public, Catholic priests, obsession with farting, perverts and judges with whips all lead to a very mixed bag of zany British humour that some outsiders could find worrying.

      Once extremely popular and thankfully on the wane, numerous British seaside resorts used to sell funny postcards with quite often ridiculous jokes that hinted on or directly illustrated strange sexual behaviour or repressed sexual feelings that could only be openly expressed on postcards.

      Ask 10 British men to walk into a chemist and ask the pretty girl at the counter for a packet of condoms. Blushes all round in most cases. Why is this? Why do we still feel it necessary to tie the groom naked to a lampost on the eve of his wedding?

      • #3209496

        That was so fun, lets try it again!

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to So where are all the brits?

        There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

        The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’

        Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’

        And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

        —————————-

        Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
        “What’s wrong, Eric?” Jim asked.
        “Well didn’t you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Eric.
        “Ah, praise God!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

        ————————

        An Englishman, roused by a Scot’s scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
        “Man,” scoffed the Scot, “hiv ye nae ambeetion”?

        —————————-

        What’s green and look’s like a bucket?

        .

        .

        .

        .

        .

        .

        .

        .

        a green bucket…. ;\

        • #3209488

          You know..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to That was so fun, lets try it again!

          I actually laughed at the green bucket thingy. I’m truly beginning to wonder about my state of mind..

        • #3209450

          Don’t worry mae

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to You know..

          Just a reaction to all the stress.

          You’ll be back to your old self soon, promise!

        • #3209356

          it was off center just enough

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You know..

          😀 It got the same reaction out of me, but then again it was 1am and I had been into the singlemalt for a bit, so lots of things were amusing me about then!

          —————————-

          poked and prodded all day. 🙁 And not the good way either! Have one more test to do, and I am not looking forward to it at all! home test.

          1pm though and I am now free for the rest of the day. the boys are playing video games. All is well.

        • #3209346

          Edited out

          by old guy ·

          In reply to it was off center just enough

          Edited out–change of mind.

        • #3230358

          I didn’t have

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to it was off center just enough

          the benefit of alcohol and it was STILL funny. Although, my sense of humor may have been permanently altered due to use of alcohol over the years.

          When will you get your test results back? Maybe we should start calling you pincushion..

        • #3230350

          dang double posts……..

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I didn’t have

          X-(

        • #3230347

          middle of next week I would guess

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I didn’t have

          Have one specimin sample that has to be returned monday, and each takes a few days.

          I just hope I don’t have to go in to find out what is what!

          Doc didn’t see overly worried though.

          I have been saying the green bucket joke repeatedly to Thing one……. 😀

        • #3230345

          They LOVE it when you do that..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to middle of next week I would guess

          my stepdaughter (who will be 21 tomorrow) used to go NUTS over the spongebob song. Before she moved in with us, I used to call her and say, “Hey, I have a question for you”. Then I’d sing “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea..”

          I actually got her to wait for the question a couple times before she caught on..

    • #3209495

      “Tommy Cooper” jokes – Brits only

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.

      Two little old ladies were walking through the park one Sunday afternoon. The band was playing a catchy sounding tune, and one of the old ladies said, “I wonder what the name of that tune is”. The other one noticed a sign posted near the bandstand and said, “It looks like they post the names of their selections. I’ll go down and see”. A while later she came back and told her companion, “It’s the Refrain from Spitting”.

      A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.

      When William Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, “No holes, bard.”

      A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
      The boy replied, ‘six and seven-eighths.’
      The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, ‘they just picked it out of a hat.’

      A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps.
      ‘Sorry’, said the barman, ‘we don’t have any helicoper crisps, we only have plane.’

      A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says ‘Can I have fish and chips twice please?’
      The shop owner says, ‘I heard you the first time.’

      A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. ‘Of course it is,’ replied the driver.
      ‘Great, I’ll have a pint then.’

      Railway Porter (cheerfully) – Miss the train, sir?
      Passenger – No, I didn’t like the look of it, so I chased it out of the station.

      • #3209451

        Dear Dad

        by jck ·

        In reply to “Tommy Cooper” jokes – Brits only

        Dad,

        I haven’t received my adoption papers or British passport yet.

        May I still read this joke?

        Thanks,

        Sonny Boy 😀

        • #3209435

          Yes. But you won’t understand them all

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Dear Dad

          until you’ve had the induction course.

          Never mind, son. I’ll forgive you one day for going off with the Gorgeous Geordie and leaving your poor old Dad sitting lonely at home…

          Haway…

          😀

        • #3209427

          Now now, Dad

          by jck ·

          In reply to Yes. But you won’t understand them all

          I remember specifically you told me

          a) you would not be available while I was in England
          b) you would not be near Florida on your travels to the United States.

          And just to think…I saved ?100 just to have pints with you. 🙁

          Oh well, I should be flying into London next year if my trip comes to fruition to see my friends in Portsmouth and Tottenham and Ipswich, as well as returning to WBA and Newcastle again.

          If it does, I’ll let you know and reserve another drinking kitty for us! 😀

          Sonny Boy

        • #3209422

          jck

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Now now, Dad

          What did you think of the West Midlands? :p

          Lovely part of the country that!! :p

          P.S. Albion suck…. Wolves forever!!! 😀

        • #3209419

          Jelli, Jelli, Jelli….

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to jck

          He likes living – he’ll tell you he prefers Newcastle…. 😉

          besides that, being a True and Genuine Geordie, I got to do the tour guide bit….

          well, I issued his Geordie passport, and even got a Geordie dictionary for him, too!! 😀

          GG

        • #3209402

          yes…GG is right

          by jck ·

          In reply to Jelli, Jelli, Jelli….

          Although Brignorth was beautiful…and the Black Country folk are great…

          Well, Newcastle itself… and GG being the best hostess and guide you’ll find in all the UK…and…well…Stephanie, the good looking 6’+ blonde bartender I met…oh…as well as getting Alan Shearer and Lee Clark to sign stuff for me…and sitting front row at a NUFC 2-1 victory over Everton…and did I mention Stephanie ending up being a bit of a nutter and my mate Steve’s recently-divorced friend Phil taking her off my hands so that I didn’t get accosted in Newcastle?

          I enjoyed Birmingham/WBA/Black Country…my mate Kevin is a great host as well. But, Birmingham itself just was a bit too “cosmopolitan” for me. Loved Newcastle to death…it had that feel I like…and well…then there was Elizabeth…from South Africa…but, she was dating Steve’s other mate Anthony at the time, or I’d have been talking to her…spritely, well-mannered, lovely woman. They’re broke up now and she’s in South Africa, but Steven is gonna tell her next he speaks to her about her catching my eye…and get her thoughts.

          As I mentioned elsewhere, I’ll return to WBA and Newcastle to visit if I get to take another holiday in February. I have to wait and see what happens between now and then.

          Worst case: I can’t come

          Best case: I’ll be living somewhere in Ireland and can fly across about once every 2 months to see friends on Bank Holiday weekends.

          I loved the UK tho. Super place. Will be back there again, if I can help it.

          Oh GG…did I tell you? Steve and his wife want me to move there. Told him if I did, I’d have to get season tickets for seats next to his…then I’d be full blown dedicated to NUFC and have to disappoint my other friends who are WBA, Chelsea and Arsenal supporters 😀

          Have no fear…I’ll be back to the UK…and your beer stocks will yield higher dividends again 😀

          Cheers!

        • #3209412

          Hahaha

          by jck ·

          In reply to jck

          Loved Black Country.

          And, not one Wolves fan was big enough to come up and say that to my face, as I wore my T-Mobile Baggies jersey.

          Being 6’6 and looking like I wrestle trucks for a living is dissuasive…or, the Wolves’ pubs hadn’t opened long enough for them to get pissed as most Wolves fans do for a living. 😀

          So you gonna be at the match 22 October? Wish I could be.

          BOING BOING BAGGIES BAGGIES!!!

          (ROFL…If I sound daft, it’s cause I don’t know how to talk back like a real Baggies fan…I just got adopted cause one of my mates is a shareholder in their club 😀 Did I mention I went into the T-Mobile box? It’s nice to have friends. Cheers! 🙂 )

        • #3209374

          I will not be at the match

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Hahaha

          I doubt my wife would let me fly over there for a soccer game! 🙂
          We are hoping to go back for Christmas though. Actually, I will be attending my first Lambeau Field home game for the Packers vs. Bears on the 10th of September…. I am pumped!! 😀
          Did you go to any clubs in Wolves? It used to have a pretty good scene, not quite like Miami I don’t think, but pretty good.

        • #3230354

          sorry to hear that

          by jck ·

          In reply to Hahaha

          you can’t make the match 🙁

          Wish I could go too.

          Did not make Wolverhampton. My mate Kevin is not too keen on going there, as he is a [b]life-long die-hard Baggies supporter[/b].

          I mean literally…anytime told someone I was going to Birmingham to see him…he’d say “West Brom”…hahahaha. He’s Black Country folk, and a good gent. Taught me about not calling one place another…since that might upset some.

          I’m hoping to go back in February once more before my passport runs out, unless I move to Ireland or the UK. Then, I’ll be back every couple of months. 😀

    • #3209489

      Reply to the Declaration of Independence

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration.

      Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

      1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

      2. In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.

      3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

      4. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

      5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

      6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

      7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

      8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

      9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.

      10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

      11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

      Please submit your replies. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

      • #3209469

        Not but but your forgot to include the

        by deadly ernest ·

        In reply to Reply to the Declaration of Independence

        environmental impact study.

      • #3209437

        Neil you also forgot to add :p

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Reply to the Declaration of Independence

        Why are you keeping our Bureaucrats to run the place and until you return them to us your so called [b]New Country[/b] is going to be exactly the same as everything you are complaining about. [b]NA on Second Thoughts Keep Them.[/b] You’ll live to regret your actions and be begging us to take them back. :^0

        Col ]:)

      • #3209371

        Problem with your dating…

        by x-marcap ·

        In reply to Reply to the Declaration of Independence

        It didn’t reach The colonies until after we pulled your sorry kiesters out of the fire multiple times.

        Also, it is being returned for insufficient postage. You know the Stamp Act!!! 😉

        • #3209367

          Nope – don’t have the slightest idea

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Problem with your dating…

          what you’re on about. “kiesters out of the fire multiple times”

          Translation please. 😀

        • #3209353

          I can help..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Nope – don’t have the slightest idea

          umm..pulled your a$$es out of danger multiple times..

          The opinion posted does not reflect mine, I am only helping with translation. 🙂

        • #3230355

          My opinion on this is well known already.

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to I can help..

          Over paid, over sexed, over here.

          Nothing had changed, attitude wise, from 1943 to 1977… When dear old Dad was there and when I was in Glouchester.

        • #3230961

          er…

          by alex ·

          In reply to My opinion on this is well known already.

          Glouchester? where’s that?

          do you mean Gloucester?

          come on old bean, try and spell english words correctly, after all we let you speak our language, common courtesy and all that!

          And the “over sexed, over paid and over here” thing…

          would this be from when you turned up late (again) and tried to say you lot won the war?

          sorry for the delay in posting (over a week late), been a bit busy to read the yuk 🙁

        • #3230344

          S’OK, Mae

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I can help..

          NITS ™ can cope with most Americanisms – we get enough of your TV! I was just after an explanation as to just when he thinks this “keister-pulling” happened.

          The Yuks not the place to do it but if he wants to meet over in another thread on Monday, I do like blowing US military types away.

          Barrel, fish, shooting, you know…

          😀

          My mother (82 tomorrow), big bruv and sister-in-law are coming down for a weekend in The Big City so no TR after this evening. Tourist Guide for the weekend…

        • #3230341

          We’re hanging out

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to S’OK, Mae

          with the neighbors, which usually lasts long past my bedtime and results in slight morning nausea and headache.

          I hope you have a lovely visit!

        • #3230259

          Tell Mom Happy B’Day Neil

          by x-marcap ·

          In reply to S’OK, Mae

          She deserves happiness. Hopefully your US trip is pleasant and uneventful.

          TJ

        • #3230190

          Thanks. I’ll pass on your good wishes

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Tell Mom Happy B’Day Neil

          As for the the US trip, she might be 82 but she [b]likes[/b] events. Tales to tell her friends on their lunch dates. Good events and stories, though! 😀

    • #3209484

      Today is the annual golf outing..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      Since I don’t have the proper appendage, I’m not invited. On the other hand, I don’t like to golf and with over half the users out today, I’m not going to have an overly taxing day. With that in mind, I thought some golf jokes would be in order..

      There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, “I can’t go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress.” So his friend replies, “I’ll go up and ask them.” When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. “Small world”.

      A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
      “Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”

      “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

      “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”

      Top 10 things that are dirty in golf but aren’t:

      10. Nuts . . . my shaft is bent.

      9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

      8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

      7. Look at the size of his putter.

      6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

      5. Mind if I join your threesome.

      4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

      3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

      2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

      1. Hold up . . . I need to wash my balls first!

      • #3231732

        I went to a work annual golf day once – got banned for life

        by deadly ernest ·

        In reply to Today is the annual golf outing..

        I’d never played golf before and neither the company or I were prepared to pay for lessons and the club were not prepared to give any lessons free. So I followed the basic instructions.

        1. Put tee into ground.

        2. Place ball on tee.

        3. Hit hard with driver.

        New instructions, get huge divot and put back in ground, AND don’t push tee all the way into the ground it’s supposed to be holding the ball up off the ground to stop you making divots, got it.

        Now I did

        1. Placed tee lightly in the ground, such to hold ball off the ground.

        2. Place ball on tee.

        3. hit ball to he11 with driver.

        Ball leaves tee like a patriot missile, like said missile it goes up at 45 degrees and rising, going more upright, soon spinning ball is overhead and headed behind us. Ball stops in club house bar after taking out huge plate glass window and two expensive bottles of spirits.

        Manager comes out screaming, 15 witnesses explains it’s impossible. Tells me to hit another one.

        Repeat placement of Tee and ball, hit as hard as I can. Same response ball takes off at a sharp upward angle, spins in the air and does a lovely U-turn and strike attack at club house bar, a few more bottles of spirits are now dripping all over the remains.

        later on another driving range, a co-worker and I worked out that the problem was the way I placed the Tee, just in the ground. When I hit the ball I was getting the bottom half of the ball with the club as the club is starting to rise and not on the flat aprt of the swing. Result ball is hit upward from underneath with a hell of a lot of English on it. It hits the air gets some grip and starts doing aerobatic manouvers.

        I was banned for life from all the golf clubs in the area.

    • #3209426

      Shorts

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      A guy walkings to town looking for some female companionship stops at the first whorehouse and knocks on the door. The madam opens a little peephole and says

      “Whaddya want?”

      Guy: “I wanna get screwed.”

      Madam: “OK. Slip a fifty under the door.”

      So the guy slips a fifty under the door and waits… and waits… and waits… then knocks on the door again.

      Madam: “Yeah, whaddya want?”

      Guy: “I wanna get screwed!”

      Madam: “What, AGAIN?”

      ===

      An ugly man goes to the doctor with a toad stuck to his head. The doctor says “My God man, how did that happen?” The toad says “I really don’t know, Doctor. It all started with a wart on my ass.”

      ===

      A mother was walking to the store with her 4-year-old in tow. On the way, the mother sees two dogs mating in the crosswalk. Too late, the little boy seen it, and asked his mother what the dogs were doing.

      She told him, “Well, that one dog’s legs are broken and the other one is helping him across the street.”

      The boy thought for a few seconds, then said, “You know mom, Dogs are kind of like people aren’t they? You try to help them out, and you end up getting screwed.”

    • #3209410

      Something to offend almost everybody

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      Why do men want to marry virgins?
      They can’t stand criticism
      What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
      Doughnuts
      What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
      Juan on Juan
      What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
      Male fraud
      Light travels faster than sound
      This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
      How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
      One of his fingers is clean
      A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
      The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
      Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
      Both crews were marooned
      “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!”
      “Sit down and I’ll deal with you later.”
      “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!”
      “What’s come over you?”
      “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!”
      “Pull yourself together!”
      Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed?
      He had low elf esteem
      What’s considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
      Someone who likes sheep and goats
      How do you cheese off a female archeologist?
      Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from
      Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
      Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
      Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
      Everyone has the same DNA
      Confucius Says…
      “Man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment get no new key”
      “Man who fart in church must sit in own pew”
      “Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
      “Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly”
      “Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone”
      “Man who stand in front of car get tired.”
      “Man who stand behind car get exhausted.”
      “Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day”
      “Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
      “Man who buy many prunes get good run for money”
      “Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk”
      “Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth”
      “War doesn’t determine who is right. War determines who is left.”
      “Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse”
      “It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it”
      “Man who drive like hell bound to get there”
      “Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs”
      “Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night”
      “Man who stand on toilet is high on pot”
      How are men and parking spots alike?
      The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
      What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
      He knows where all the bad girls live
      What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
      “This place rocks!”
      What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
      An offer you can’t understand
      Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
      They need a map
      Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?
      He elected to receive
      What is Iraq’s national bird?
      Duck
      Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
      So they can see their Air Force
      Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
      You only have to teach them to take off
      What is the best Iraqi job?
      Foreign Ambassador
      What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
      Build a house next to them
      Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
      It saves time in the long run
      Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
      Because of his coffin
      What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
      Spelling
      Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
      Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend
      What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
      Pump kin
      What’s the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
      No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer
      When a man talks nasty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
      $3.99 a minute
      Chinese couple’s in bed. Husband says, “I want a sixty-nine.”
      His wife says, “You want beef and broccoli now?”
      When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
      The day his hand caught on fire
      What would you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend?
      Homeless
      What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
      Wipes himself
      How are women and rocks alike?
      You skip the flat ones
      How can you tell if your wife is dead?
      The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
      How can you tell if your husband is dead?
      The sex is the same, but you get the remote
      What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
      Men always miss them
      Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
      It changes your blood type
      What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
      Militia Etheridge
      What’s the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
      A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball
      Why are hurricanes named after women?
      They’re wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave
      What’s the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
      People would cry if the stock market crashed
      Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
      No phone numbers
      Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
      Bartender says, “All right, I’ll let ya stay—but don’t start nuthin.”
      What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
      “Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
      What goes click-click-click…”Did I get it?”
      Ray Charles doing Rubik’s Cube
      What’s brown and hides in the attic?
      The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank
      When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did — in his sleep.
      Not screaming like the passengers in his car

      • #3230276

        Brilliant

        by mordacity ·

        In reply to Something to offend almost everybody

        Really almost the whole list was great, but the auto mechanic with a clean finger and the musician without a girlfriend got me laughing out loud. Good thing I’m not still down in the cube farm – my coworkers would think I’d gone bonkers.

    • #3209380

      URLs – aren’t we lucky, no cybersquatters!

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      Worst Company URLs

      1. A site called ?Who Represents? where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? wait for it? is
      http://www.whorepresents.com

      2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
      http://www.expertsexchange.com

      3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
      http://www.penisland.net

      4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
      http://www.therapistfinder.com

      5. Then of course, there?s the Italian Power Generator company?
      http://www.powergenitalia.com

      6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
      http://www.molestationnursery.com

      7. If you?re looking for computer software, there?s always
      http://www.ipanywhere.com

      8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
      http://www.cummingfirst.com

      9. Then, of course, there?s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
      http://www.speedofart.com

      10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
      http://www.gotahoe.com

    • #3230378

      Cuz it’s better than crying

      by maevinn ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      Not sure if a real-life funny is appropriate, but here goes! DVD trouble ticket reports and the resolution.

      Rep: My computer won’t play DVD’s.
      Res: Your computer doesn’t have a DVD player.

      Rep: Laptop wasn’t producing any sound for a DVD.
      Res: Turn off Mute.

      Rep: My computer won’t burn DVD’s.
      Res: Please try again with burnable DVD’s. (User was trying to write over a movie they didn’t like.)

      Rep: I can’t email the file from a DVD to the boss.
      Res: The email system can’t handle a 2 GB file.

      Edit to add:

      Question: How can you tell if this is a CD or a DVD?
      Answer: I read the label.

    • #3230343

      Observations, etc..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
      42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
      99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
      A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
      A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
      A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
      A closed mouth gathers no foot.
      A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
      A day without sunshine is like, night.
      Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
      Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
      Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
      Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
      Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
      For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
      Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
      Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
      He who laughs last thinks slowest.
      I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
      I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
      It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
      It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
      Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
      Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
      Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

      • #3230302

        More

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Observations, etc..

        Tell a person there are 300 billion stars in the galaxy and they’ll believe you. Tell them a park bench has wet paint and they’ll touch it to be sure.

        and (I had this one printed on my checks 🙂 )

        What if the Hokey-Pokey really [b]is[/b] what it’s all about?

    • #3230156

      My week in review

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Day off Friday Yuk!

      I?m late again. Sue me.

      Just doing a Spot Check
      http://tinyurl.com/z2qnu

      It?s the weekend
      http://tinyurl.com/joolb

      We need Peace in this World soon
      http://tinyurl.com/hfooj

      Not all Americans are afraid to fly
      http://tinyurl.com/hjd3f

      As I?ve said before:
      http://tinyurl.com/jksp7

      It’s a dangerous place
      http://tinyurl.com/le6ga

      Payback
      http://tinyurl.com/g5thx

      There might be more payback
      http://tinyurl.com/jjvm8

      God may have mercy
      http://tinyurl.com/kcnnl

      It just might be a cool avatar but I like the one I have.
      http://tinyurl.com/nc6ec

      Never forgotten
      http://tinyurl.com/ztutp

      The Old West had Taliban
      http://tinyurl.com/fc3kh

      This fits in right here
      http://tinyurl.com/z3vb4

      Exit
      http://tinyurl.com/hyrsq

      Related to who?
      http://tinyurl.com/fke6c

      BummerDude
      http://tinyurl.com/gntq5
      ————
      Good Idea
      http://tinyurl.com/fdbws

      Not such a good idea
      http://tinyurl.com/poclh

      I used to be a cop
      http://tinyurl.com/na4o6

      Then I did other stuff and then I drove a truck
      http://tinyurl.com/fq48e

      So I got another job
      http://tinyurl.com/hznho

      I went to get a chicken sandwich Thursday and
      http://tinyurl.com/herlk

      Dang dogs
      http://tinyurl.com/jtp4m

      Listen to your kids
      http://tinyurl.com/kzl9v

      Any questions?
      http://tinyurl.com/gdsqg

      I want one
      http://tinyurl.com/ounh5

      I?d drive one
      http://tinyurl.com/z2j6m

      I don?t want one
      http://tinyurl.com/e6xgv

      The Technology section

      Geek Farmers
      http://tinyurl.com/k34pf

      Amazing Computer
      http://tinyurl.com/hlts4

      Evolution
      http://tinyurl.com/kbqkm

      Before technological advances
      http://tinyurl.com/zo5xk

      Technology advances but people remain the same
      http://tinyurl.com/z7jnx

      Not technology but proof that it?s a really old joke
      http://tinyurl.com/kb7r2

      Related to the above:
      http://tinyurl.com/m8z6d

      Back to technology
      http://tinyurl.com/k3v3a
      ———
      Winding up now

      Out of season but I still think it?s funny
      http://tinyurl.com/qqjsw

      It’s a joke!?!?
      http://tinyurl.com/kkj8x

      Oh…Okay. If you?re ever in town, give me a call
      http://tinyurl.com/kgnbt

      • #3230114

        OH those where great

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to My week in review

        😀

        • #3230039

          Hal-While you’re here-A Technical Question

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to OH those where great

          I had problems with my Microsoft mouse and took it apart. Does this look right to you?

          http://tinyurl.com/jh7ny

          I’m thinking about going cordless.

        • #3231626

          OH that’s great. :^0 :D :^0 :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Hal-While you’re here-A Technical Question

          But I would advise against going cordless if you did that what would the Pan Dimensional Being who is studying you breath? :p

          Remember that they already know that the answer is 42 but they want to know what the question is and they are in the process of studying you. Now it would be hardly fair to kill when they are so busy in their work would it? :0

          Col ]:)

        • #3231579

          It appears to be working again.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to OH that’s great. :^0 :D :^0 :D

          Must have just needed a little breather. B-)

        • #3212476

          Well just o make sure

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to It appears to be working again.

          Open the Calculator on Windows and multiply 6 by 9 and subtract 12 and see what happens. :0

          Col ]:)

      • #3230097

        I thoroughly enjoyed that!

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to My week in review

        – quite brightened my day!

        Thanks NB!

        (oh, and you know which were my favourites – right?!) 😀

        GG

Viewing 13 reply threads