Early Friday Yuk

A husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's
column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I
have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's
always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring
we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We
sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire--you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went
last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto
beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.
He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's
changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of
my little Billy's letters.

**********
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is
the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic
Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used
to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It's spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I
don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often.
You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That
wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off,
Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the
best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm
code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says
it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket
protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on
the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I
got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes.
Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick
is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't
call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.

**********
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so
upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,
the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my
program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is
sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six
weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.

**********
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True--physically I am only ten
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try
again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the
bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only
warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain
me.
Sincerely, William.

**********

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my
little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably
too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these
letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,
please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

A piffling 5.5 earthquake that I missed because I was on the commuter bus, an average day with lot's of sun and wind, and a long weekend coming up.
Ahh well life is so hard in the warm South Seas!

As I recall, that joke won (or at least came close to the top) of an international joke competition.

I love it.

To allow you time to place the "Promised" Friday Yuk. I know I'm the best part of a day ahead of you guys the wrong side of the "International Date Line" but if I can not even get first crack at answering a question as The Chas has always been there first I only think it fair that you should have got something in by midday you local time.

Anyway this week here is my contribution:-

The Engineer in Hell

AN engineer dies and shows up at the pearly gates and is confronted by St Peter. St Peter asks him what he did for a living and he replied I?m an Engineer, St Peter looks at his list and says ?Your not supposed to be here? so the engineer goes down the steeps to hell where he is admitted without question.

After a few days the engineer decides it is far too hot so he installs Air Conditioning to bring the temperature down to a quite tolerable level. Then he starts looking around for other things he can install to make his life easier. He notices that there are a lot of hills so he installs escalators to get up and down the hills then because of the distances involved he installs moving walkways to get to places without expending any effort. Within 2 month he has Hell a a paradise and loves it there along with everyone else. Even Satan makes him head of all works in Hell and gives him a work crew so he can install things faster, it very soon gets to the stage where everyone in Hell loves the place and want more and better constructions.

In the next 3 months he has every one satisfied and they can think of nothing else that needs doing, as by this time he has all the modern conveniences installed and the people in Hell can get what they want when they want it, everyone is extremely happy.

Six months latter God rings Satan and asks how things are going in Hell Satan replies well they where always good but since you sent us that engineer this place is better than heaven and we now have a waiting list for people to get in as we can not handle the influx of new comers.

God replies where did you get an engineer from? Satan replies well you sent him to us. God then demands that the engineer be returned to heaven and all his work removed Satan refuses and says Well you can not get in here because of the crowds and what exactly do you think you can do as I want to keep him here. God replies well if you will not return him to me I?ll Sue to which Satan laughs and replies ?And just where do you think you are going to get a lawyer from??

Have a good week end and don't work too hard!

Col :D

Cynic: A guy who upon smelling the flowers immediately looks around for a funeral.
Pessimist: this is a guy who wakes up with his nose in his wife's armpit and is afraid to open his eyes.
Optimist: This guy always says things can get worse and he's right; they do.

Hey Oz
I heard you have another storm on the way 4 more days of rain and up to 200mm of precip for the island. Keep dry and watch out for landslides.

Subject: Downsizing!
Dear Loyal Employees:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Management

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white stick.
Nervous laughter spread through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

This is fairly mild. Unfortunately I fear that I have a completely warped sense of humour.

Neil

When the time in sensible cities like Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, is GMT + 10, US/Canda Pacific time is GMT - 8.

So you guys will ALWAYS be behind the REAL world.

okay then the question just has to be asked.

warped, twisted, sadistic sense of humour rates?

Is there any difference between Totally Insane and Genius?

Most normal people can not under stand what either one is talking about anyway so does it even matter?

Col :D

I thought I apparently lived in the land of ice and snow (Zeppelin tune coming on, uh oh!).

We've had some rain but but's been so stuffy hot too, something to do with a tropicsl front coming in from Hawaii or something.

One week I was curling up to hibernate at night, the next i am kicking off too many covers.

It's just so cool here after the rain becaue there are just millions of shades of green around, geez I sure hope I don't end up getting antsy and moving back to the mainland, I doubt it though, camping is just around the corner now. :)

We all know I'm the mad one here without a doubt. Do you honestly want to lump yourself in with people like me?

At a recent Random Breath test on the way back from a 2.00 AM service call

Police Officer "Have You Been Drinking?"

Col "Well Yes I've just spent several hours with a nasty job so I did have a lemonade before I left. After all if you do not drink and fluids you will die in very short order."

Police Officer now slightly irate "When was the last time you drank any alcohol?"

Col "Well I did have a glass of Champaign at my sisters wedding I think that was the last time that I drank any alcohol."

Police Officer now very irate "Exactly when was that?"

Col "Well I'm not really sure her eldest is now 9 years old and it was well before that so I would imagine that it was somewhere like 11 - 12 years ago."

Police Officer now really pissed off "Just blow into this NOW!"

Police Officer "Well there is no alcohol in your blood stream so you are free to go."

Col "Sorry I forgot I did have a glass of wine at a dinner party at a friends house but that was at least 2 years ago now does that count?"

Col

Anyway speaking as someone only a few miles from the G. Had me wondering what you where meaning and just how lonely you actually where!

When someone says something about the G over here it means the G Spot or G String depending on who it is used in a sentence, but in all honestly I've never heard anyone admit to living "Miles from it" Though some do admit at time it may feel that way.

Col

I just say "Yes Sir" but I had, had a very bad day and then to be called back because someone broke a power lead which took ages to find in the wee small hours of the morning I was just a bit peeved.

The Cop was obviously only filling in time as well because of the way he approached me and the fact that I was the only car that passed him while he was parked on the side of the road might have had something to do with it.

But for the 30 minutes that he held me up for not one single car passed us. He did of course try to find a defect in the car and I really Pissed him off when I pointed out that the car he was driving was un-roadworthy because the left hand front parking light didn't work. Then when he asked me to turn on the parkers I asked which side do you want?

There are a few advantages of driving my wifes 73 Merc around and the fact that you can chose which side to have the parkers switched on are one of them.

In the end I just gave him a business card and said I've got an early start today and I need to get some sleep so I'm going home. He turned up two days latter with a computer repair and we have been friends ever since.

Col