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Early Friday Yuk

By Oz_Media ·
Well it is only thursday here, but one can expect Colin to start on about how it's Friday on the other haf of the world. So to refrain from upsetting my dear brothers and sisters so far away;

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:? Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."


Happy Fursday!

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Friday Yuk

by Zazelle In reply to Early Friday Yuk

A husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

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How to really upset your spouse when you are making love ...

by jardinier In reply to Friday Yuk

ring him/her up and tell them about it.

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Nothing says love like Video

by jdclyde In reply to How to really upset your ...

A picture is worth a thousand words . . . .

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and...

by jcptech In reply to How to really upset your ...

tell her she smells like an armpit down there

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A bouquet

by Oz_Media In reply to and...

A bouquet like an aboriginals armpit. Best used for hand to hand combat or just laying down and avoiding.

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Some sound advice

by jardinier In reply to How to really upset your ...

When I was a very young and naive journalist on the Sydney Morning Herald, I was given a piece of advice that I didn't fully understand at the time:

"When you learn to stand the smell, you've got the problem half licked."

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Yuk Yuk Yuk

by Jessie In reply to Early Friday Yuk

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's
column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I
have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's
always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring
we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We
sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire--you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went
last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto
beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.
He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's
changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of
my little Billy's letters.

**********
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is
the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic
Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used
to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It's spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I
don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often.
You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That
wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off,
Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the
best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm
code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says
it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket
protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on
the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I
got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes.
Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick
is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't
call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.

**********
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so
upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,
the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my
program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is
sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six
weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.

**********
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True--physically I am only ten
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try
again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the
bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only
warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain
me.
Sincerely, William.

**********

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my
little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably
too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these
letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,
please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

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Too true!

by Oz_Media In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

The little kids with huge white orbs that used to contain pupils. Basement shut-ins remind me of those fish t the bottom of the ocean that live in darkness 24/7.

Then they get a job and end up complaining how nobody understand what they are doing or appreciates their work.....GET SOME DAMN SOCIAL SKILLS THEN!!!!

Losers!

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Oh Jessie that was nasty

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

I almost choked to death when I read the last few lines.

But the letter has obviously been waiting around for a very long time now as Little Billy has all grown up.

I'm just wondering how many others he has warped their minds in his effort to stay in the business.

Cheers Col

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Remember that movie 'Kill Bill'

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

Well now you know why.

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