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  • #2292553

    Early Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by oz_media ·

    Well it is only thursday here, but one can expect Colin to start on about how it’s Friday on the other haf of the world. So to refrain from upsetting my dear brothers and sisters so far away;

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:[i]? Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”[/i]

    Watson said, [i]”I see millions and millions of stars.”[/i]

    Holmes: [i]”And what does that tell you?”[/i]

    Watson: [i]”Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”[/i]

    Holmes: [i]”Somebody stole our tent.”[/i]

    Happy Fursday!

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    • #3328576

      Friday Yuk

      by zazelle ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      A husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

      The husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,”
      and storms out of the house.

      After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
      rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
      husband says, “what took you so long to answer the phone?”

      She says, “I was in bed.”

      “In bed this early, doing what?”

      “Getting a second opinion!”

    • #3328518

      Yuk Yuk Yuk

      by jessie ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s
      column:

      Dear Mr. Dvorak:

      Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I
      have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
      on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s
      always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring
      we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We
      sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
      with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire–you
      know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
      reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
      Tibetan knot tying.

      I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went
      last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto
      beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
      brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
      should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.
      He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s
      changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of
      my little Billy’s letters.

      **********
      Dear Mom,
      The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
      only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is
      the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
      Love, Billy.

      **********
      Dear Mom,
      Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
      We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic
      Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used
      to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.
      Love, Billy.
      P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
      It’s spell checked too.

      **********
      Dear Mom,
      Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
      the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I
      don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often.
      You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That
      wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off,
      Mom. I’m okay, really.
      Love, Billy.

      **********
      Dear Mom,
      I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the
      best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm
      code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says
      it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket
      protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on
      the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
      computer? Give my regards to Dad.
      Love, Billy.

      **********
      Dear Mother,
      Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay.
      Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good
      at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I
      got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes.
      Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick
      is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t
      call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.
      Signed, William.

      **********
      Dear Mother,
      How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so
      upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t
      real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,
      the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my
      program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is
      sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six
      weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.
      Regards, William.

      **********
      Mother,
      Stop treating me like a child. True–physically I am only ten
      years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try
      again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the
      bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
      kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only
      warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain
      me.
      Sincerely, William.

      **********

      See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my
      little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it’s probably
      too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these
      letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,
      please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

      Sally Gates,

      Concerned Parent

      • #3328478

        Too true!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

        The little kids with huge white orbs that used to contain pupils. Basement shut-ins remind me of those fish t the bottom of the ocean that live in darkness 24/7.

        Then they get a job and end up complaining how nobody understand what they are doing or appreciates their work…..GET SOME DAMN SOCIAL SKILLS THEN!!!!

        Losers! 😀

      • #3328346
        Avatar photo

        Oh Jessie that was nasty

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

        I almost choked to death when I read the last few lines.

        But the letter has obviously been waiting around for a very long time now as Little Billy has all grown up.

        I’m just wondering how many others he has warped their minds in his effort to stay in the business.

        Cheers Col 😀

      • #3328345

        Remember that movie ‘Kill Bill’

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Yuk Yuk Yuk

        Well now you know why. :p

    • #3328370

      And all we have here is…

      by cfk ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      A piffling 5.5 earthquake that I missed because I was on the commuter bus, an average day with lot’s of sun and wind, and a long weekend coming up.
      Ahh well life is so hard in the warm South Seas!

    • #3328358

      Sherlock Holmes joke.

      by jardinier ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      As I recall, that joke won (or at least came close to the top) of an international joke competition.

      I love it.

      • #3328334

        Yeah I like it too

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Sherlock Holmes joke.

        Especially being an avid camper/all around outdoors kinda guy!

    • #3328349
      Avatar photo

      To be fair OZ I alway give you until 1.30 AM Saturday Local Time

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      To allow you time to place the “Promised” Friday Yuk. I know I’m the best part of a day ahead of you guys the wrong side of the “International Date Line” but if I can not even get first crack at answering a question as The Chas has always been there first I only think it fair that you should have got something in by midday you local time.

      Anyway this week here is my contribution:-

      The Engineer in Hell

      AN engineer dies and shows up at the pearly gates and is confronted by St Peter. St Peter asks him what he did for a living and he replied I?m an Engineer, St Peter looks at his list and says ?Your not supposed to be here? so the engineer goes down the steeps to hell where he is admitted without question.

      After a few days the engineer decides it is far too hot so he installs Air Conditioning to bring the temperature down to a quite tolerable level. Then he starts looking around for other things he can install to make his life easier. He notices that there are a lot of hills so he installs escalators to get up and down the hills then because of the distances involved he installs moving walkways to get to places without expending any effort. Within 2 month he has Hell a a paradise and loves it there along with everyone else. Even Satan makes him head of all works in Hell and gives him a work crew so he can install things faster, it very soon gets to the stage where everyone in Hell loves the place and want more and better constructions.

      In the next 3 months he has every one satisfied and they can think of nothing else that needs doing, as by this time he has all the modern conveniences installed and the people in Hell can get what they want when they want it, everyone is extremely happy.

      Six months latter God rings Satan and asks how things are going in Hell Satan replies well they where always good but since you sent us that engineer this place is better than heaven and we now have a waiting list for people to get in as we can not handle the influx of new comers.

      God replies where did you get an engineer from? Satan replies well you sent him to us. God then demands that the engineer be returned to heaven and all his work removed Satan refuses and says Well you can not get in here because of the crowds and what exactly do you think you can do as I want to keep him here. God replies well if you will not return him to me I?ll Sue to which Satan laughs and replies ?And just where do you think you are going to get a lawyer from??

      Have a good week end and don’t work too hard!

      Col 😀

    • #3328343

      Daffynitions

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      Cynic: A guy who upon smelling the flowers immediately looks around for a funeral.
      Pessimist: this is a guy who wakes up with his nose in his wife’s armpit and is afraid to open his eyes.
      Optimist: This guy always says things can get worse and he’s right; they do.

    • #3327924

      Off Topic for Oz

      by bob in calgary ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      Hey Oz
      I heard you have another storm on the way 4 more days of rain and up to 200mm of precip for the island. Keep dry and watch out for landslides.

      • #3327787

        Landslides?

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to Off Topic for Oz

        Sounds lik esomeone saw the news of the North Shore!

        A friend of mine actually lives on Mt. Seymour and his house was less than half a block from the slide, close call!!

        There is a huge problem with insurance too for those guys, they were told not to cut trees in the area in order to clear land, the cliff relies of thei root structures. It is a question of whether due to NEW building, which was restricted but went forth anyway, or rennovations to existing homes. Note: That is a fairly wealthy area, and the homes are not little cheap boxes but 3/4 million +.

        As for here in Hardy, it was a little wet but is dry and sunny now, even though it’s supposed to rain and probably will withing hours. The weather here will be completely different than 10 minutes down the highway. It’s prety sheltered, being in the NOrth East corner of the Island but it comes and goes in minutes, much as you’re used to!

        Local forcasts predict 5 – 10 Cm over the next few days, we haven’t seen anything odd. Just a bit of rain from day to day, no storms yet. Perhaps why the whales choose this area too!

    • #3327849

      Downsizing

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      Subject: Downsizing!
      Dear Loyal Employees:

      As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

      Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

      Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

      This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

      This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

      If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

      As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

      Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

      And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

      The Management

      • #3327781

        Complaints?

        by jdmercha ·

        In reply to Downsizing

        And if you are having trouble with the new company policies, you can contact Ms Waite in our complaints deparment. Helen will be sure to give your concerns her expert attention. So if you have any problems at all you can just go to Helen Waite.

    • #3327815

      pilots

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
      They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
      The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot’s uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white stick.
      Nervous laughter spread through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
      The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
      The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
      As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
      In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.

      • #3327800
        Avatar photo

        Brilliant

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to pilots

        I love it but it hurts after laughing so much.

        Col 😀

      • #3327790

        Oh, YES!

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to pilots

        Absolute cracker! I do like ’em a bit sick.

        Neil

        • #3328229

          Which?

          by mlandis ·

          In reply to Oh, YES!

          Pilots or jokes?

          Maureen

        • #3328186

          The Jokes, Maureen. How do YOU like your pilots?

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Which?

          A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

          “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

          “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.

          This is fairly mild. Unfortunately I fear that I have a completely warped sense of humour.

          Neil

        • #3328119

          I am of the opinion

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to The Jokes, Maureen. How do YOU like your pilots?

          that a slightly warped sense of humor is a sign of an intelligent mind.

        • #3328111
          Avatar photo

          In that case where does a totally

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I am of the opinion

          Warped sense of Humor rate?

          Col

        • #3328106

          either

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          COMPLETELY insane, or unbelievable genius. The problem is, I’m not sure you could ever really tell the difference between the two..

        • #3328047

          maecuff

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          okay then the question just has to be asked.

          warped, twisted, sadistic sense of humour rates?

        • #3328042
          Avatar photo

          OK I’ll ask

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          Is there any difference between Totally Insane and Genius?

          Most normal people can not under stand what either one is talking about anyway so does it even matter?

          Col 😀

        • #3327980

          Col

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          Of course there is a difference. I’m not totally insane. 🙂

        • #3327976
          Avatar photo

          Come on mow Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          We all know I’m the mad one here without a doubt. Do you honestly want to lump yourself in with people like me?

          At a recent Random Breath test on the way back from a 2.00 AM service call

          Police Officer “Have You Been Drinking?”

          Col “Well Yes I’ve just spent several hours with a nasty job so I did have a lemonade before I left. After all if you do not drink and fluids you will die in very short order.”

          Police Officer now slightly irate “When was the last time you drank any alcohol?”

          Col “Well I did have a glass of Champaign at my sisters wedding I think that was the last time that I drank any alcohol.”

          Police Officer now very irate “Exactly when was that?”

          Col “Well I’m not really sure her eldest is now 9 years old and it was well before that so I would imagine that it was somewhere like 11 – 12 years ago.”

          Police Officer now really pissed off “Just blow into this NOW!”

          Police Officer “Well there is no alcohol in your blood stream so you are free to go.”

          Col “Sorry I forgot I did have a glass of wine at a dinner party at a friends house but that was at least 2 years ago now does that count?”

          Col

        • #3327961

          Col

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          That’s funny. I’d be afraid to do that here, I’d end up getting beaten with a flashlight.

        • #3327595
          Avatar photo

          Mae generally at that time of the night

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to In that case where does a totally

          I just say “Yes Sir” but I had, had a very bad day and then to be called back because someone broke a power lead which took ages to find in the wee small hours of the morning I was just a bit peeved.

          The Cop was obviously only filling in time as well because of the way he approached me and the fact that I was the only car that passed him while he was parked on the side of the road might have had something to do with it.

          But for the 30 minutes that he held me up for not one single car passed us. He did of course try to find a defect in the car and I really Pissed him off when I pointed out that the car he was driving was un-roadworthy because the left hand front parking light didn’t work. Then when he asked me to turn on the parkers I asked which side do you want?

          There are a few advantages of driving my wifes 73 Merc around and the fact that you can chose which side to have the parkers switched on are one of them.

          In the end I just gave him a business card and said I’ve got an early start today and I need to get some sleep so I’m going home. He turned up two days latter with a computer repair and we have been friends ever since.

          Col

        • #3327978

          Jaqui

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to I am of the opinion

          Depends on what you mean. If, by rates, you mean where do they rate, then I would have to say pretty high. I love a twisted sense of humor. If by rates, you mean an hourly rate…well, 29.95?

      • #3327785

        Perfect!

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to pilots

        I will be seeing friends on Sea Island (a Vancouver Airport community) this weekend, living at the foot of the runway they will get a good chuckle I’m sure.

        Have a great weekend, OM

        • #3328117

          Oz

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Perfect!

          Thanks, All we’re going to do is sit and watch the snow fall this weekend.

        • #3328029

          BRRRR!

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to Oz

          I thought I apparently lived in the land of ice and snow (Zeppelin tune coming on, uh oh!).

          We’ve had some rain but but’s been so stuffy hot too, something to do with a tropicsl front coming in from Hawaii or something.

          One week I was curling up to hibernate at night, the next i am kicking off too many covers.

          It’s just so cool here after the rain becaue there are just millions of shades of green around, geez I sure hope I don’t end up getting antsy and moving back to the mainland, I doubt it though, camping is just around the corner now. 🙂

        • #3327981

          you can keep

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to BRRRR!

          your camping. My idea of roughing it is no room service. School will be out tomorrow, 2-3 of my employees won’t make it in because of the roads. I can’t for the life of me remember why I took this job when I swore the next time I moved it would be South.

        • #3327542

          You can have it either way here

          by oz_media ·

          In reply to you can keep

          A nice hotel is always mere kilometers from winderness. You can hang out in a decent hotel with a spa and still be on Long Beach, that’s where a lot of companies here have annual meeting weekend retreats and stuff, cross the road and you are in thick forest.
          A half hour from there is a remote lake, mountains etc., then a town with a Holiday Inn or Execuxtive Inn again, then lakes and mountains again and so on and so on all the way across and up and down the island.

          Take your pick, if you want city, there’s that too…just minutes from another lake, seafront or mountain.

          Tis an odd but pretty place and everything is within reach without you seeing it.

    • #3328058

      Behind the times

      by jardinier ·

      In reply to Early Friday Yuk

      When the time in sensible cities like Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, is GMT + 10, US/Canda Pacific time is GMT – 8.

      So you guys will ALWAYS be behind the REAL world.

      • #3328045

        tsk tsk

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Behind the times

        that area ain’t called “down under” for nothin ya know.
        😉

        • #3327985

          Why

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to tsk tsk

          is Australia “down under” to you? I know it ruins your point but if they’re down under to us then…

          “down, under, across and up a bit” doesn’t flow.

          Anyway, speaking as someone only a few miles from the G in GMT and therefore in perfect harmony, they’re always getting ahead of themselves.

          When I’m at work, though, you are still asleep. But hey, so am I.

          Neil

        • #3327973
          Avatar photo

          Neil I’m glad you filled that out

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Why

          Anyway speaking as someone only a few miles from the G. Had me wondering what you where meaning and just how lonely you actually where!

          When someone says something about the G over here it means the G Spot or G String depending on who it is used in a sentence, but in all honestly I’ve never heard anyone admit to living “Miles from it” Though some do admit at time it may feel that way.

          Col

    • #3328035
      • #3328028

        LIke you said

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to NO COMMENTS

        No comment. I would LOVE to get their customer base though, I’m sure I have all sorts of stuff they’d like!

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