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Friday Funny...just a tad early, cuz I need it early!

By Maevinn ·
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police
car videos around the country. Watch the last one, it's a low ****!
Ed.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning!?, You want a warning!? O. K, I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair?, You want me to be fair?, Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven.

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but
now we re allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't!.... Sign here. (That was harsh)

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tgif

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Funny...just a tad ...

Thanks Mavyn, i needed a laugh to start my day :)

here's a bad one:

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

Its Friday..yay..*happy dance*

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Shell

by jdclyde In reply to tgif

good to see you dance!

HAPPY DANCE EVERYBODY!

Do dit do da do de doh doh, dee bah do dit doh. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doh de doh. Ha ha ha ha!

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Laughing all the way

by NickNielsen In reply to Friday Funny...just a tad ...

A very attractive young lady was visiting a reproduction of a traditional American indian village. As she wandered, she met a rather attractive male indian, so she greeted him with "How!" He replied "Chance!" and they went their different ways.

The young lady encountered the same indian several more times, and each time the exchange was the same: "How!" "Chance!"

After several repetitions, the young lady finally asked the indian man "I though the indian greeting was "How?" The indian responded "Know how. Want chance!"

-----

Through an unexplainable series of events, President G. W. Bush, Hilary Clinton, the Pope, and the newest Eagle Scout find themselves on Air Force One without anybody else but the pilot. The situation is tense between the three adults and becomes even more tense when the pilot rushes from the cockpit, dons a pack and says "Ladies & gentlemen, the plane is going to crash. There are three parachutes left! You decide who will use them." He then opens the emergency door and jumps through.

In typical fashion, President Bush states "I'm the President. Leader of the free world. Gotta survive to finish Al Kayda." He dons a pack and jumps.

Hilary Clinton grabs a pack and heads for the door, saying "I'm the smartest woman in the world and destined to be the next President of the United States. I must survive. I'm sure you understand." She then jumps through.

The Pope turns to the Eagle Scout and says "I have lived my life and am ready to join God. You should use the last parachute."

The Eagle Scout replied "Don't worry, Your Holiness. The smartest woman in the world grabbed my backpack. There are still two parachutes left!"

-----

What Sex Is Your Computer

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.


The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women Won

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Only right, too..... <eom>

by gadgetgirl In reply to Laughing all the way
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Amusing- but you can't buy the greeting card...

by Tig2 In reply to Friday Funny...just a tad ...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the #$&@* was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in **** until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age. Almost life like!

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket. I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."


Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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Tig

by maecuff In reply to Amusing- but you can't bu ...

Those are great! Just what I needed.

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Everyone needs a little

by Tig2 In reply to Tig

blunt truth every now and again!

When I first read that list, I could think of a few people that I have WANTED to send those cards to!

Happy Friday!

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You have no idea

by jdclyde In reply to Amusing- but you can't bu ...

With the week I have had, just how true so many of those are right now....

Hey, if we can't laugh at ourselves, find someone else to laugh at! But you have added to my "wish list"! ]:)

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Very nice!

by maecuff In reply to Friday Funny...just a tad ...

Keep them coming! I need some cheering up. My husband and I had tickets to see Rancid last night and the baby-sitter fell through. So, no show. We're going to a music festival tonight to see the Reverend Horton Heat. We can take the little one with us, so unless it rains, these plans won't get ruined.

Oh..and I took a days vacation today. I have nothing to do but clean my house. What was I thinking??

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Mae

by Tig2 In reply to Very nice!

A study recently proved that housework will stunt your growth and ruin your sex life. Not highly recommended!

Unfortunately, daytime TV will cause your brain cells to turn to oatmeal.

I recommend TR and generally playing all day. Believe me, healthiest choice you can make!

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