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Friday Humor???

By mrbill- ·
My apologies in advance.

A friend of my wife sent these.

Puns for Intellectuals.

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them again and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what? (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!!!

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Oh my

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday Humor???

Mr. Bill, what have you DONE!?!?

Actually I am still smiling so ou succeeded in your Fry-Day humour.

Thanks mate, I was actually thinking about a Friday Yuk but am busier than a donkey with three d****, thanks for the chuckle.


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Anytime Oz...

by mrbill- In reply to Oh my

I'm glad I could make someones day. Mine was not that great until my wife sent me these.

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Have one to add..

by maecuff In reply to Anytime Oz...

A buddhist stops at a hot dog cart and says "make me one with everything".

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Those are so bad they are funny

by JimHM In reply to Friday Humor???

Thanks for the chuckle

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by lvn In reply to Friday Humor???

These are some of the best puns I've ever opposed to some puns I have heard that are really only 2/3 of a pun (P-U).

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by GuruOfDos In reply to Friday Humor???

Three cockerels sat on a farmyard fence. Six thirty am comes around, so the first cockerel (a big, meaty old rooster) , yawns, stretches and ruffles his feathers.He takes a deep breath, puffs himself up, and lets rip...


Ten minutes later, the second cockerel (also a butch old rooster) gets up, scratches his beak, shakes his feathers and follows suit...

"****-a doodle-dooooooo!"

Just before seven, the third cockerel gets up, minces across the fence in his pink silk robe, preens himself for a few minutes and starts manicuring his claws. The other two shout "Hey, ya big queen.....get with the plot, how 'bout's getting late!"

"Oh really boys!", he replies, "can't a bird get a moments peace...".

And with that, he fluffs himself up, gives a pathetic sigh, then...

"Any ****'ll dooooooooo!!!!"

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Another variation

by Oz_Media In reply to Heh!

Whats' the difference between a rooster and a hooker.

****-A-doodle-do vs any-****'ll-do

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She was only...

by GuruOfDos In reply to Another variation

...the Colonel's daughter, but she knew what Reggie meant.

...the Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was often full of discharged seamen.

...the constable's daughter but she'd let the Chief Inspector.

...the undertaker's daughter, but she knew what to do with a stiff.

...the fishmonger's daughter, but she'd lay on the slab and shout fillet.

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Good one, mrbill

by jardinier In reply to Friday Humor???

I will post your offering, and some of the other jokes in this discussion, on the humour page of my website.

I have already directed a friend in New Jersey to view this discussion, and she was delighted -- especially with the one about Ghandi.

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