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Friday Levity...

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by maecuff

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I'm tired of the bitterness and nastiness, and I'm not waiting any longer for OZ to post his Friday Yuk.. so here it goes....

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You?re Drunk

? Indubitably
? Innovative
? Preliminary
? Proliferation
? Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You?re Drunk

? Specificity
? British Constitution
? Passive-aggressive disorder
? Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You?re Drunk
? Thanks, but I don?t want to have sex
? Nope, no more booze for me
? Sorry, but you?re not really my type
? Good evening officer, isn?t it lovely out tonight
? Oh, I just couldn?t. No one wants to hear me sing

17 replies

by itgirli

The owner of our company just bought a few cases of beer and started passing them out.

by sleepin'dawg

News Release :
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem from the American
Bald Eagle to a condom beause it more clearly reflects the government's true political
stance and policies.
A condom: stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pr*cks and gives one a sense of warmth, comfort and security while
getting screwed.

by oz_media

I even told Colin I was going to add a late Yuk but I just got tied up yesterdau with the fun and festivities.

I hit the track with my favorite handicapping pro's, if you want good track tips, these are the boys!
One-Eye Wally, C-note Charlie, and Glue-factory Fred. They taught me the inside trick of betting ONLY on four legged horses.

I actually came out well ahead for a change. :)

by hal 9000

You'll need the following advice. Firstly Costello is the current AU Treasure and Abbot is one of the Senior current AU Government members who is considered as the next replacement for Costello.

Enjoy

Col

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend office with windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just
say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do
I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I
watch them?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great, with what?
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
Abbott: You click the blue "1."
Costello: I click the blue one what?Abbott: The blue "1."
Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
Abbott: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott: No, just one. but its the most popular Word ; in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
Pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part
of Office.
Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What's bundled to my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER)
Costello: How do I turn my computer off??
Abbott: Click on "START"

by oz_media

Didn't you post that one a few months ago?

Someone did, yes it is REALLY well done ad quite funny. But on a Friday Yuk? I KNOW you have better than that, once they are finished drying after a good cleaning up! ;-)

by hal 9000

Are just unprintable in this forum. If I was even to post some of the "Tame" ones I'd get at the very least a warning and more likely thrown off.

How about this one

A solicitor is being driven home in his limo when he sees a guy on the side of the road on all fours appearing to be eating grass. He immediately instructs the driver to stop and he get out and asks the man what he was doing. The man replies well we are so poor that we can not afford any housing or food so in an attempt to fill my stomach I'm eating this grass!

The solicitor is horrified and says this is at best only stubble that not even the kangaroos would consider eating it is unfit for human consumption get in my car and I'll take you home and feed you there it is only a short distance away. The man replies I'd love to but my wife and three kids are under that tree over there and I can't leave them. The solicitor replies well I've got a big enough car they can come as well!

The wife then tells the solicitor that she can't possibly leave her sister and her sisters husband and 5 children all of who are living under the same tree,. The solicitor thinks for a moment and says well it will be a bit of a squeeze but we'll manage and I only live a short distance away so we'll make do. They all get into the car and on the way the man says to the solicitor thank you very much you are such a nice man to pick up complete strangers and offer them food "God will reward you in the next life!" The solicitor replies that's not an issue I'm only doing this because I can and your going to love it at my place as there are quite a few shady trees and the grass is about two foot high!

Is that any better as any of the others would get me kicked off here?

Col

by hereinoz

That is brilliant. May I have permission to print that out and send it to a few friends? One of the best I have seen in ages.

Absolutely made my day.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Alan

by oz_media

Either you or someone said it about three days ago, must have been at the track or something.

I hadn't heard it before and was quite amused but I JUST heard it (I think this weekend). But yes, it still get's Kudo's, Colin gets his Gold Star for being a good little contributor!

Cheers mate,
OM

by tp205

good afternoon my fellow users,
I went searching for all of the Friday Yuks and until this stupid election got started it was a regular thing for OZ to start one off and for many people to follow. Then the potical poopy stuff hit the fan, I believe that this is a great forum for that but a lot of the stuff seems very personal. I for one would love to see the Friday yuk come back, with no side post except for compliements, because no matter what humor truly is the best medicine.

by oz_media

I was not home last weekend or all this week. I was tied up on Friday with much more important issues (handicapping horse races) and even though I was reminded AND said I would post the Yuk to get the ball rolling, I forgot.

I have to thank maecuff for stepping up to the plate though and Colin for his undying wit.

Let's see if I can get my act together, even though I will be handicapping horses for the 7 PM post again. :p

by hal 9000

Perhaps you could start off this weeks Friday Yuk along those lines if it isn't illegal

Col

by oz_media

Always fun on a Fraday (Saturday, whatever, you'll be back at it before me!)I will be paddling about, splitting wood, maybe booting the bike around the gravel pit and Colin will be waking up to go to work HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

Take care,
OM

by hal 9000

That's probably why I work 24/7 it's easier.

But now for a play on words and a bit childish but at least it is usable here.

Two men walked into a Bar the third one ducked!

Col

by guruofdos

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe on a leash. He buys himself a beer and one for the giraffe. The giraffe drinks his beer, then buys the next round. They carry on drinking for an hour or so taking it in turns to buy the beers. At closing time, the man gets up, and staggers away from the bar towards the door. The giraffe simply passes out and collapses on the floor in front of the bar.

"Oi!!!", calls the barkeep as the man is about to leave. "You can't leave that lyin' there!!!"

"What are you, nuts?!!", replies the drunk. "That ain't no lion....it's a giraffe!"

********************

A man goes running up to a bar. "Bartender quick! A double scotch before the trouble starts!!"

The bartender looks around and towards the door, but all appears quiet. He serves a double to the customer who slugs it down in one and then demands another.

"Hurry up man! Quick, before the trouble starts!"

The bartender quickly passes him another double which he downs in one.

"Quick, quick....another before the s*** really hits the fan!"

A third double disappears.

"So what's this trouble that's about to start?" he asks the man while scanning the bar for signs of a disturbance.

"Gimme another double, quickly, and I'll tell you!!"

He nails the fourth as fast as the first three.

"So what gives? What trouble?" asks the bar tender.

"Well....you just served me four doubles, and the trouble is, I don't have any money!"

*********************

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a bottle of Scotch.

The storekeeper is a little concerned about selling hard liquor to a nun and voices his feelings.

"Oh, it's all right." says the nun. "It's purely for medicinal purposes. The Mother Superior has the most terrible constipation!"

Somewhat reassured, he sells her the bottle. She leaves the store, walks round the corner and proceeds to drain the bottle. Staggering a little, she returns to the store and, slurring slightly, asks for another bottle.

"I'm sorry, but I'm really not happy about selling you any more.", the man states.

"My good man." begins the nun. "It's purely for medicinal purposes I assure you. The Mother Superior is really suffering!"

"Oh well. I suppose then....", he says and sells her another bottle. She leaves the store, goes round the corner and drinks the Scotch.

Staggering back in, she asks for a third bottle.

"Now listen here!" the keeper retorts. "I'm not selling you any more booze. I'm not falling for that line about your Mother Superior and her constipation any more!"

"Well," giggles the nun, "she really does have constipation but boy, is she going to sh1t herself when she sees the state of me!!!!"

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