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Friday (UK Time) Yuk

By gadgetgirl ·
Ok, peeps, it?s Friday for us in the UK, so to save Oz forgetting again, I?ll start the Yuk for today (with thanks to Dawg for the explanation of time zones: I now understand that I?m now posting between midnight Thursday and midnight Friday somewhere in the world?..derrrrrrrr )

As HRH King Swill is absent today, I assume that I?m Chief Guttermonger ? wahey! A promotion!) so straight into the gutter we go, with a few to start you off????


Girl goes into a hairdressers, and states that her boyfriend has horrendous dandruff, and asks for advice on how to get rid of it.

?Give him head and shoulders? the hairdresser stated.

After a few minutes, the girl replied: ? ?.. but how do you give shoulders??


Honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite. ?Bridal?? the clerk asks the woman. ?No thanks? she says ?I?ll just hang on to his shoulders?


For the Swill King ? two old guys go into a bar. One says ?Shall we have some Guinness? It?s supposed to put lead in your pencil? The other thinks a while then replies ?well, ok then, but I?ve got no-one to write to???


And a one-liner to finish ?

Real men don?t buy expensive ribbed condoms, they just get ordinary ones and shove in a handful of frozen peas.


Have a wonderful weekend all ? thoughts and prayers are with all those affected by Katrina.



GG

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A real lucky guy

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Friday (UK Time) Yuk

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like
that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow".


Dawg ]:)

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Psychiatric Hotline

by Jessie In reply to Friday (UK Time) Yuk

I figure you're all a bunch of loonies... and can appreciate some psych humor.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bit off your ear.

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Sorry GG

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday (UK Time) Yuk

I did look at the discussions list and didn't see a Yuk, much to my surprise. One minute I've got guys posting on a Wednesday afternoon because they are in Australia, the next I don't see a Yuk by mid Friday. My mistake, the torch is handed back to you my dear.

Now go have a great f****n weekend and get the~**** off the computer!

EDIT: The least I can do is offer a Yuk I suppose;

Headlines in 2035

1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

2. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

3. Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped.

4. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

5. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

6. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Jenna Bush has banned all smoking.

7. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

8. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

9. Results of 35 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

10. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

11. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

12. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

15. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

16. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

17. Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.

18. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.


When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? - George Carlin


Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - George Carlin

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