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Friday yuck

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by oz_media

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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man
and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing
a cute, close-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walk through
the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very
large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, holding on with one hand
(and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest
with the free hand. He is obviously excited
at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests
that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom,
and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggests that she let one of her straps
on her shoulders fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla
is just about to tear the barsdown. Now try lifting
your dress up your thighs ... this drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla,
slams the door shut and, rubbing his hands together,
says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

HAVE A GOOD WWEKEND ALL

6 replies

by jimhm

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Cleveland Browns. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm.

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

And the Browns go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland!"

by jimhm

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

by jkaras

A man decides to take his little boy to the zoo like his father before him did. They had a great time seeing all the animals and eventually they visited the money cages. The boy was all exited wanting to feed the cute little monkey who was paying attention to them. The boy asked, daddy can I feed him a peanut? The father thought sure we got them left over from the elephants go ahead and throw one to him. The little boy throws it nicely to the monkey where the money scurried to pick it up. The boy is so excited that the monkey picked the up the peanut he began jumping up and down with the father rather pleased that the zoo experience was going so well. Just then the the monkey inserted the peanut into its butt, then pulled it out looking at it for a second and then eat it. The father exclaimed whoa trying to avert his kids eyes. The boy kept asking the dad why the monkey did that with the father not able to answer. The father said give me those peanuts and he threw another peanut to the monkey. Again the monkey jammed it in his butt then eat it looking at the man for more. The father lost it ran and got the zoo keaper and demonstrated the feeding practice followed by a very angry barrage of what kind of zoo you running here. The zoo keaper calmly looked at the man and said thats because last week some jerk threw him a peach and he couldnt pass the pitt so now he measures everything before he eats it.

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