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Friday Yuk

By NickNielsen ·
Before I hit the road...

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.


Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's ***** was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said.
"All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said.
"Well what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Well straight like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Sh*t," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing...


I went to a fancy dress party last night, and saw a woman there who was completely naked, except for a pair of black gloves and a pair of black boots, so I said to her "What have you come as?"

She replied "The five of spades."


And this one's for NeverBusted...

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in his rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."

(NB, my wife made me do it too!)


Edited, of course

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Who is Jack Schitt?

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

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Neil I'm still waiting.

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Who is Jack Schitt?
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OK, here it is

by neilb@uk In reply to Neil I'm still waiting. : ...

It was Harvard, wasn't it? This is Colin's Ph.D certificate for his scholarly dissertation "Erogenous Zones of Australian Sheep"


Sorry, mate. I didn't have the Latin for New Zealand!

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Thanks Neil

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to OK, here it is

Now I'll frame that one and not treat it like the others buried somewhere in a filling cabinet in the local Black Hole here.

I can bring it out when any Kiwis visit and tell them all that they where my study source for this Thesis.

OH life is so great I already have a heap of Kiwi's to upset. :^0

Thanks Neil!

Col ]:)

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When I get back to the office

by neilb@uk In reply to Thanks Neil

i'll mail you the higher res copy.


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Thanks Neil :^0

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to When I get back to the of ...

The Kiwis are refusing to visit me in droves now so I'm going to have an extremely quite life.

Even the woman in the local Video Rental shop isn't there so I can rub her nose in it. Not only is she an escaped Kiwi who loves the idea of bing a Kiwi living in AU As she can not stand visiting NZ in anything but the height of summer she refuses to support the local Football Teams and just to be a Nasty Old Dear insists in supporting the NSW in the State of Origin Football though she Will Not die her Hair Blue and keeps it a bright red. She even has a Silver Fern on her car though some people where she works insist on dressing it up so she has to drive it home that way before she can remove the items fixed to the car Black Gaffer Tape is almost impossible to remove on a dark night in an unlit area on a Black Car

Col Dam where is that Angelic Emotion when it's needed

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How to save the airlines

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

How to save the airlines.........

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the **** - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. ****, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the **** didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Bill Clinton

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Not one for the Catholics

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

Imagine if all major retailers started producing condoms. I don't know how many of these cross the Oceans and I don't really care.

Tesco Condoms: every little helps

Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms: Finger Licking good.

Minstrals Condoms: melts in your mouth , not in your hands.

Safeway condoms: Lightening the load..

Abbey national condoms: because life is complicated enough.

Coca cola condoms: The real thing.

Ever ready condoms: keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms: once you pop, you cant stop

Burger king condoms: Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms: "for a longer ride go wide"

FCUK condoms: no comment required.

Muller light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halford condoms: we go the extra mile.

On digital condoms: plug in and play !!!!

Royal mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms: size really does matter!


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And one that won't cross back...

by NickNielsen In reply to Not one for the Catholics

Chevrolet condoms: Like a Rock!

The local lovers' lane where I grew up used to be nicknamed "Firestone Drive" because that's where the rubber met the road...

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Many forms of rubber

by daveo2000 In reply to And one that won't cross ...

When I was in undergraduate I paid part of my expenses working tech support in a graduate office facility. One day an 8-month pregnant south American grad student (woman) who had learned English from a British consulate walked into the office of a north American grad student (male) and asked "Do you have a rubber?"

The guy took a few moments to recover from the question and only just managed to avoid saying "I think it is too late for that." What he did say was "Sorry, no."

He didn't know that "rubber" in British means "eraser" and she didn't know that "rubber" in American means "condom".

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