Friday Yuk

A small polar bear and his dad were walking along the ice cap when the son poked his dad and asked,

"Dad, are you a real polar bear?"

"Yes son, I'm a real polar bear."

They proceeded across the ice cap and before long the son again poked his dad and asked,

"Dad, are you reeally a real polar bear?"

His dad responded, "Yeah! I'm a really a real polar bear!"

The small polar bear looked quizzically at his dad and asked,

"Is Mom a real polar bear?"

His dad was a bit puzzled and answered, "Yes son, your mother's a real polar bear!"

"Dad, are you sure Mom's a real polar bear; I mean she doesn't have any mixed bear in her, or anything?" asked the cub.

"Of course your Mom is a real polar bear!" replied the exasperated father. "Why do you keep asking me these questions about us being real polar bears?"

With that, the small polar bear looked up at his Dad and cried,

"Because I'm cold!"

A woman is taking a stroll through the woods, when a little white duck, covered in filth, crosses her path.

"Let me clean you," the woman says, taking a tissue from her purse.

The woman walks on a little further and encounters another duck, also with muck all over it.

Again, she produces a tissue and cleans the bird.

Afterwards, she hears a voice from the bushes.
"Excuse me, madam," it says. "Do you have any more tissues?"

"No, I'm afraid I've run out," the woman replies.
"All right," the voice says. "I'll just have to use another duck then."

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with sh!t sticking to your fur?"
"Why no," replied the rabbit.

So, the bear wiped his butt with him.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

by dbernor Sep 22, 2006

A blonde lady is driving down the road when she spots a police car behind her with it's lights on.
She pulls over and a blonde female Officer approaches her car.

"License Please" says the Officer.

After a few moments of searching her purse the Blonde driver say "I can't find it, what does it look like again?"

The Offier says "Its small, square and has your picture on it."

The Blonde driver looks again and hands the Blonde Officer her compact mirror.

The Blonde Police Officer looks at it and as she hands it back to the blonde driver says "Sorry Maam, I didnt know you were police."

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

by dmambo Sep 22, 2006

15 reasons why hockey is better than sex

1. It's legal to earn money playing hockey
2. Many people play hockey even after they're married
3. The puck's always hard
4. The protective equipment is reusable
5. It lasts at least an hour
6. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
7. You always know how big the stick is
8. You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding
9. You can change players on the fly
10. You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up
11. Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds
12. Your parents cheer when you score
13. Periods last only 20 minutes
14. You're sure to get it at least twice a week
15. You can tell your friends about it afterward

"I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday," said Pete to Owen, "reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack, and scratching the dog with my foot -- and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing!"

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

by maecuff Sep 22, 2006

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak& fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging
Is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching
Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas
and A diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, But
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.

For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
sh*ts you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover(*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the Remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

--------------------------------

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

by 2rs Oct 6, 2006

I'm here to WORK & I'm reading your jokes instead!!!
Laughing uncontrollably (say THAT while you're drunk!) by the time I got to the end.. Thanks!

http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21302.htm

by old guy Sep 22, 2006

comedy. Very funny.

Detroit, Mi. (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions,
who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

by rdeane Sep 22, 2006

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron it."

My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

(that's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....

-My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.

-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa?
-No. She broke her leg.

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy

-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.

-My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yes, it was rather busy.

-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles

-My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos
-Inkhazi?
-Yes, constantly.

-My wife's gone to see relatives in France
-Nice
(...need I say more...)

-My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B

-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Qatar?
-Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-like a stuck pig.

-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they're still happily married.

-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Singapore?
-Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse.

"Call it a hunch." - Quasimodo

"Scotty Beam me aboard"

"Aye sir... Will a 2x4 do?"