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Friday Yuk

By heml0ck ·
Well, the back pain woke me at half past the crack of stupid, so here I am not-so-bright and early.
Time to start the weekend right!

William Lyon Mackenzie with his entourage had just arrived at the mouth of the river that now bears his name.

He looked around at the scale, breadth, and beauty of the river and proclaimed:
"What a magnificent river! How majestic! A river like this deserves a fine Indian name! Does anyone have any suggestions?"

And from the back of the entourage, a voice was heard to say:

"How about New Delhi?"

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father and son...

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

A small polar bear and his dad were walking along the ice cap when the son poked his dad and asked,

"Dad, are you a real polar bear?"

"Yes son, I'm a real polar bear."

They proceeded across the ice cap and before long the son again poked his dad and asked,

"Dad, are you reeally a real polar bear?"

His dad responded, "Yeah! I'm a really a real polar bear!"

The small polar bear looked quizzically at his dad and asked,

"Is Mom a real polar bear?"

His dad was a bit puzzled and answered, "Yes son, your mother's a real polar bear!"

"Dad, are you sure Mom's a real polar bear; I mean she doesn't have any mixed bear in her, or anything?" asked the cub.

"Of course your Mom is a real polar bear!" replied the exasperated father. "Why do you keep asking me these questions about us being real polar bears?"

With that, the small polar bear looked up at his Dad and cried,

"Because I'm cold!"

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Mucky Ducks

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman is taking a stroll through the woods, when a little white duck, covered in filth, crosses her path.

"Let me clean you," the woman says, taking a tissue from her purse.

The woman walks on a little further and encounters another duck, also with muck all over it.

Again, she produces a tissue and cleans the bird.

Afterwards, she hears a voice from the bushes.
"Excuse me, madam," it says. "Do you have any more tissues?"

"No, I'm afraid I've run out," the woman replies.
"All right," the voice says. "I'll just have to use another duck then."

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a bear and a rabbit

by heml0ck In reply to Mucky Ducks

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with sh!t sticking to your fur?"
"Why no," replied the rabbit.

So, the bear wiped his butt with him.

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by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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by dbernor In reply to Blondes

A blonde lady is driving down the road when she spots a police car behind her with it's lights on.
She pulls over and a blonde female Officer approaches her car.

"License Please" says the Officer.

After a few moments of searching her purse the Blonde driver say "I can't find it, what does it look like again?"

The Offier says "Its small, square and has your picture on it."

The Blonde driver looks again and hands the Blonde Officer her compact mirror.

The Blonde Police Officer looks at it and as she hands it back to the blonde driver says "Sorry Maam, I didnt know you were police."

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by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

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I really like this one!

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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Back on the ice!!!

by DMambo In reply to Friday Yuk

15 reasons why hockey is better than sex

1. It's legal to earn money playing hockey
2. Many people play hockey even after they're married
3. The puck's always hard
4. The protective equipment is reusable
5. It lasts at least an hour
6. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
7. You always know how big the stick is
8. You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding
9. You can change players on the fly
10. You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up
11. Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds
12. Your parents cheer when you score
13. Periods last only 20 minutes
14. You're sure to get it at least twice a week
15. You can tell your friends about it afterward

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doing nothing

by heml0ck In reply to Back on the ice!!!

"I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday," said Pete to Owen, "reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack, and scratching the dog with my foot -- and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing!"

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And this one

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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