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Friday Yuk....

By heml0ck ·
coz it's early and I need it!

**********************
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

***********************
an oldie but a goodie:

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

$ Michael Jordan just retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf,but will earn $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S.past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerds win.

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One for the Girls :)

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk....

Women's Instructions

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

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those are good!

by heml0ck In reply to One for the Girls :)
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On Men... :)

by Tig2 In reply to One for the Girls :)

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

- Rita Rudner

Have a great weekend!

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You know..

by maecuff In reply to On Men... :)

These are both funny and in many cases, quite accurate..

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Yeah,

by Old Guy In reply to You know..

whatever... :)

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Don't make me say it.

by maecuff In reply to Yeah,

You KNOW what you're being, right?

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No worries,

by Old Guy In reply to Don't make me say it.

I don't think I want to know or want you to have to say it. Guess I'll take Dmambo's advice and just mosey on over to the other side of the threads. :)

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hmmmmm

by jdclyde In reply to You know..

I don't get it.....

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Of course you don't, sweetheart..

by maecuff In reply to hmmmmm

Don't worry your pretty little head over it..

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ouch

by Shellbot In reply to Of course you don't, swee ...

nice one Mae :)

*snickers at JD*

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