Friday Yuk....

Women's Instructions

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other
dogs.

Dogs don't mind when you have two dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than
asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger
dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Man walks into a Doctors surgery complaining of excessive wind problems.

The doctor pauses (while a guff is exausted) and then asks the patient a few general health questions?

You know the sort, diet, alcohol, smoker and what not.
During the conversation the paitemt pumps four more times. One being a rather nasty egg orientated affair.

After scribbling on a pad for a few seconds the doctor quickly explains he may know the cause and will be back in a minute.

A minute passes and the Doctor walks in brandishing a large pole with a nasty looking hook on the top.

The patients heart immediately begins to beat quicker and in a concerned tome blurts out:

What on earth are you going to do with that?

Doctor smiles and says
?What do you think....open the Window ? it?s f?n stinking in here now?

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7 What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Come Back?

A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

ITS FRIDAY...YAY

In one hour i am gone...will get home 2 hours before anyone else, so going to sneak up to play WoW without being interupted!!!!

For us UK people, went to M&S and got some very nice dinenr which i just ahve to pop in the cooker..a bit of dessert as well..they will think i slaved away for hours..they won't even suspect i was playing my game :)

Its just been a good day all around..managed to bag some imported Reese's Peanut Butter cups..feck the calories..gonna enjoy these babies!

A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one ?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral?

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies.

you can't run fast enough..

You do realize, any promise I made earlier regarding teasing you about your alternate lifestyle is now null and void, right? sweetbritches?

I always thought he'd look good in a bikini, just never thought I'd see it.....

then again, I didn't think he'd need that much "uplift"....

Now, if we could just get a photo of his waist cincher.....

]:)

GG

Caught for as long as my hard drive spins!

HA!
:D

But he can no longer deny it- I have a screen shot!

JD, this may have been an error on your part. Mae- want a copy of the evidence???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cD-YT_mHYE

can't see for laughing......googriefff......

it's HIM! It's JD!!!

I'm CONVINCED!!!

]:)

:D :D :D :D :D :D

Soz, jd, but you really didn't think I'd let this one die a death, did you???

Haven't had so much fun in aaaaagessss!

]:)

GG

You are absolutely correct.

That IS him!

Great wig, JD! :)

Now I'M muttlyfitting all over the place!

But then, he DID paint that nice big target on himself!

Great vid, GG! Too, too funny!

:D

some people just never learn.

He should know by now not to start anything that he doesn't have a catinhells chance of finishing! :p

(Hope this is cheering Mae up, too)

GG

"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling." -Mark Twain

"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball." -Don Carter, pro bowler

"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart." - Buddy Hackett

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald Ford

"Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot." -Dave Marr

"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -Hank Aaron

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." -Phyllis Diller

"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere."
-Lee Trevino

"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser." -Arnold Palmer

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."
-Winston Churchill

"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle." - Anonymous

"Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt." - Jack Nicklaus

"Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water' your body only seems to hear the word 'water'?" - Anonymous

"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name...and they say golf is a quiet game." - Anonymous

"Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you
go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink." -Bob Hope

"Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole." -Anonymous

"Corollary: clubs don't float." - Anonymous

"He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie." - Mickey Mantle

"If there's lightning while you're golfing, take your 2 iron out of your bag and hold it high in the air. For even God can't hit a 2 iron."
- Anonymous

Have a great weekend everyone, and don't do anything I wouldn't do! ;)

Please, I do want a copy.

I'm sure it will be put to good use for many years to come..

if it is the wig your laughing at, or your just jealous that I have better legs than you do! :p

:x

[i]~someone take my keyboard away! Sinking FAST!~

You do NOT have better legs than me.

You have to be watched every minute, don't you baby? You just can't resist painting that great big target on yourself.

Give up. You won't win. We have you now! (Insert maniacal laughter here)

Poor JD!
:D

Giving a new meaning to the term "loaded", this article states the drinkers earn more than non-drinkers.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060914/hl_afp/afplifestylehealthalcohol

I've spent many an hour hard at work, trying to support my family...yeah, that's it....supporting my family :D

That one carries around a [b]Blood Stained[/b] shovel and is far more dangerous. :p

Col [i]Angelic Emotion inserted here[/i]

The damage has already been done so you'll just have to face the consequences of your actions. [b]The Fifth[/b] will not help you here only dig you into a deeper hole. :D

But it's a great idea to quite while you're behind before you get yourself in any deeper. :p

Col ]:)

that I have the better legs! Now she wants to get me into a two piece? (Just ignore the hairy back)

But that is ok. I know it is just the 151 speaking. After she gets her breath back, she will think twice about trying to get me to "dress up" for her! :p

Why do they call it a "pot pie" when you can't taste the pot?

Edit: or if there's no pot in it?

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

JD. You're gonna have to do better than that.

I don't care about seeing a man in a bikini. Truth be told, I'd just as soon see a man in nothing at all. But, I'm not telling you anything YOU don't already know..