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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
A plane is on its way from Sydney to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde that she?s only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies: ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to Melbourne and I?m staying right here!?
The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a passenger sitting in First Class who belongs on Economy who won?t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she has only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies once again: ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to Melbourne and I?m staying right here!?
Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman who won?t listen to reason.
The pilot says: ?Oh, she?s blonde? I?ll handle this, I?m married to a blonde and over the years I?ve learnt how to speak fluent blonde!?
The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something into her ear, and she replies:
?Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea?, and gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot of course are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.
The pilot replied: ?I told her First Class isn?t going to Melbourne!?
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The Bathtub Test
It doesn?t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started!
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
?Well,? said the Director, ?We fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.?
?Oh! I understand,? said the visitor. ?A normal person would use the bucket because it?s bigger than the teaspoon or tea cup.?
?No,? said the Director.
?A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window??
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A man dining in a fancy restaurant notices a gorgeous redhead (not a blonde joke this time?) sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye flies out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
?Oh my, I am so sorry,? the woman says, popping her eye back in place. ?Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.?
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards she takes him to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens attentively. After paying for everything, she asks him if she would like to come to her place for a night cap and to stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
?You know?, he says, ?You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet??
?Oh no,? she replies, ?You just happened to catch my eye.?
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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and tried to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ?Why?? my daughter asked.
?Because it?s been on the ground, you don?t know where it?s been, it?s dirty and probably has germs,? I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ?Mummy, how do you know all this stuff??
?Um,? I was thinking quickly, ?All mums know this stuff. It?s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don?t let you be a Mummy.? We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was obviously pondering this new information.?OH?I get it!? she beamed, ?So if you don?t pass the test, you have to be the Daddy.

?Exactly,? I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a


Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and... Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their cough, cold, aspirin while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skateboard park.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Kiwis are injured each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Kiwis are injured each year by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Kiwis had burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. and finally.....

In 2005 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet

And finally only in NZ can you contract a STD from your favourite Sheep. Currently there are no figures for this happening because it is now so common that no one bothers listing the reason where these Sexually Transmitted Diseases have arisen from.

IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE KIWI SEND THIS ON

Have a great weekend everyone.

Col ]:)

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Walking Dwarfs

by DMambo In reply to Friday Yuk

These is the only walking jokes I could find, so in honor of TiggerTwo.....

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a "World Records" competition. The first one entered the 'smallest feet' contest and won. The second one entered the 'smallest hands' contest and one. The third entered the 'smallest *****' contest -- and lost. He came away, very dejected.

"What happened?" asked his friends.

"Who's Sleepin' Dawg?"

(Sorry, Dawg )

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Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighborhood.

One was a salted.

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Good Luck, Tig!!!!!

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Some running and walking jokes for TiggerTwo

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

TiggerTwo and some of her fellow walkers came around the bend to find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. TiggerTwo drops her pack, sits down, throws off her walking shoes, and starts lacing up a pair of track shoes. The other walkers say: "What are you doing? You will never outrun that bear!". TiggerTwo replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear...".

I do think that TiggerTwo is getting too fit, though. She?s spoken a few time about this "Runner's high". But she has to go sixty miles for it. That's why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs.

When she took up serious walking, TiggerTwo was astounded by the wide selection of running and walking shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of running, she noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?". And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your partner to come pick you up when you've walked too far".

This man and woman were making love when the woman cried out "Oh my God! I hear my husband coming! You must get out of here fast! Grab your clothes and jump out the window!". The man hurriedly jumped out the window and low and behold fell into some bushes. As luck would have it, it started to rain. He sat there, wondering what he was going to do when a bunch of joggers happened to jog by. The man quickly jumped up and joined the joggers. As he was running along with the rest of the joggers, one asked him "Do you always run in the nude?". The man answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air **** over your skin while you are running". Then another runner asked "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?". The man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home". Then another runner asked "Do you always wear a condom when you run?". "Well" he answered, "only when it's raining".

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!".

TiggerTwo goes out for a training walk. She comes to a river and cannot see a bridge anywhere nearby. She spots a blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?". The blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You're already on the other side!"

Walking and running shoes in these days are more and more technologically advanced. TiggerTwo went in this store and they told her that this new model of shoes can even predict the weather! Tig asked how and the salesperson told her: "Leave your shoes outside the window for a little while: if they are wet it's raining, if they are dry it's sunny, if you cannot see them it's foggy".

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It's the weekend!! well..almost...

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk

I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.

A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.

Aibohphobia - The fear of palindromes

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.

Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not sure....

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Recursive (ro-k{r-sov}) adj. See 'recursive.'

You're the reason my dog is pregnant, aren't you?!

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Well Mae just to get things going

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to It's the weekend!! well.. ...

The following link is what passes for Humour here in AU. Unfortunately for Neil they don't have the Little Britain skit posted as it was brilliant.

http://tinyurl.com/htdah

OH about your last comment Do you have a Dog?

Col ]:)

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You got me there..

by maecuff In reply to Well Mae just to get thin ...

Nope. No dog. Just Mr. Pink the goldfish. And the fact that this damn fish is still alive is astounding. My son won him at a fair a year and a half ago. Aren't they supposed to die in the car on the way home??

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Well Mae to see where you went wrong

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to You got me there..

You need to watch the Add for the Ford Focus in the above link. :)

Col ]:)

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the real question

by jdclyde In reply to You got me there..

was it all the kissing of mr pink that accounts for the LONG span? :0

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There are people who I have kissed

by maecuff In reply to the real question

that I probably shouldn't have. I can say, with all certainty, that I still have plenty of humans I could go through before I have to resort to kissing goldfish.

Then again, maybe I don't know what I'm missing?

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or

by TonytheTiger In reply to It's the weekend!! well.. ...

Why procastinate now? Wouldn't you really like to do it later?

I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.

You're just jealous because the voices aren't talking to you!

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!

Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).

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Men and Women Compared

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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