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  • #2257547

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by hal 9000 ·

    A plane is on its way from Sydney to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
    The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde that she?s only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
    The blonde replies: ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to Melbourne and I?m staying right here!?
    The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a passenger sitting in First Class who belongs on Economy who won?t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she has only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
    The blonde replies once again: ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to Melbourne and I?m staying right here!?
    Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman who won?t listen to reason.
    The pilot says: ?Oh, she?s blonde? I?ll handle this, I?m married to a blonde and over the years I?ve learnt how to speak fluent blonde!?
    The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.
    The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something into her ear, and she replies:
    ?Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea?, and gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot of course are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.
    The pilot replied: ?I told her First Class isn?t going to Melbourne!?
    ———————————————————————————–
    The Bathtub Test
    It doesn?t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started!
    During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
    ?Well,? said the Director, ?We fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.?
    ?Oh! I understand,? said the visitor. ?A normal person would use the bucket because it?s bigger than the teaspoon or tea cup.?
    ?No,? said the Director.
    ?A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window??
    ————————————————————————————-
    A man dining in a fancy restaurant notices a gorgeous redhead (not a blonde joke this time?) sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye flies out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
    ?Oh my, I am so sorry,? the woman says, popping her eye back in place. ?Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.?
    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards she takes him to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens attentively. After paying for everything, she asks him if she would like to come to her place for a night cap and to stay for breakfast.
    They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
    The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
    ?You know?, he says, ?You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet??
    ?Oh no,? she replies, ?You just happened to catch my eye.?
    ————————————————————————————————
    I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and tried to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ?Why?? my daughter asked.
    ?Because it?s been on the ground, you don?t know where it?s been, it?s dirty and probably has germs,? I replied.
    At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ?Mummy, how do you know all this stuff??
    ?Um,? I was thinking quickly, ?All mums know this stuff. It?s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don?t let you be a Mummy.? We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was obviously pondering this new information.?OH?I get it!? she beamed, ?So if you don?t pass the test, you have to be the Daddy.

    ?Exactly,? I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart

    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a

    Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

    Oh and… Only in N.Z. … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in N.Z. … do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their cough, cold, aspirin while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in N.Z. … do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

    Only in N.Z. … do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in N.Z. … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in N.Z. … do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in N.Z. … are there disabled parking places in front of a skateboard park.

    NOT TO MENTION…

    3 Kiwis are injured each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

    31 Kiwis are injured each year by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

    8 Kiwis had burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. and finally…..

    In 2005 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet

    And finally only in NZ can you contract a STD from your favourite Sheep. Currently there are no figures for this happening because it is now so common that no one bothers listing the reason where these Sexually Transmitted Diseases have arisen from.

    IF YOU’RE PROUD TO BE KIWI SEND THIS ON

    Have a great weekend everyone. 😀

    Col ]:)

All Comments

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    • #3166737

      Walking Dwarfs

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      These is the only walking jokes I could find, so in honor of TiggerTwo…..

      One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a “World Records” competition. The first one entered the ‘smallest feet’ contest and won. The second one entered the ‘smallest hands’ contest and one. The third entered the ‘smallest penis’ contest — and lost. He came away, very dejected.

      “What happened?” asked his friends.

      “Who’s Sleepin’ Dawg?”

      (Sorry, Dawg 😉 )

      ————————————————–

      Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighborhood.

      One was a salted.

      —————————————————

      Good Luck, Tig!!!!!

    • #3166735

      Some running and walking jokes for TiggerTwo

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      TiggerTwo and some of her fellow walkers came around the bend to find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. TiggerTwo drops her pack, sits down, throws off her walking shoes, and starts lacing up a pair of track shoes. The other walkers say: “What are you doing? You will never outrun that bear!”. TiggerTwo replies: “I don’t have to outrun the bear…”.

      I do think that TiggerTwo is getting too fit, though. She?s spoken a few time about this “Runner’s high”. But she has to go sixty miles for it. That’s why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs.

      When she took up serious walking, TiggerTwo was astounded by the wide selection of running and walking shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of running, she noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: “What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?”. And the clerk: “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your partner to come pick you up when you’ve walked too far”.

      This man and woman were making love when the woman cried out “Oh my God! I hear my husband coming! You must get out of here fast! Grab your clothes and jump out the window!”. The man hurriedly jumped out the window and low and behold fell into some bushes. As luck would have it, it started to rain. He sat there, wondering what he was going to do when a bunch of joggers happened to jog by. The man quickly jumped up and joined the joggers. As he was running along with the rest of the joggers, one asked him “Do you always run in the nude?”. The man answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running”. Then another runner asked “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”. The man answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home”. Then another runner asked “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”. “Well” he answered, “only when it’s raining”.

      Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”.

      TiggerTwo goes out for a training walk. She comes to a river and cannot see a bridge anywhere nearby. She spots a blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoohoo!” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”. The blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You’re already on the other side!”

      Walking and running shoes in these days are more and more technologically advanced. TiggerTwo went in this store and they told her that this new model of shoes can even predict the weather! Tig asked how and the salesperson told her: “Leave your shoes outside the window for a little while: if they are wet it’s raining, if they are dry it’s sunny, if you cannot see them it’s foggy”.

    • #3166712

      It’s the weekend!! well..almost…

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I think not,” said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.

      A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.

      Aibohphobia – The fear of palindromes

      Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

      Christ died for our sins, so let’s not disappoint him.

      Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.

      Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

      Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

      I don’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.

      I used to be an agnostic, but now I’m not sure….

      No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

      Recursive (ro-k{r-sov}) adj. See ‘recursive.’

      You’re the reason my dog is pregnant, aren’t you?!

      • #3166702

        Well Mae just to get things going

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to It’s the weekend!! well..almost…

        The following link is what passes for Humour here in AU. Unfortunately for Neil they don’t have the [b]Little Britain[/b] skit posted as it was brilliant. 🙁

        http://tinyurl.com/htdah

        OH about your last comment [b]Do you have a Dog?[/b] 😀

        Col ]:)

        • #3166697

          You got me there..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Well Mae just to get things going

          Nope. No dog. Just Mr. Pink the goldfish. And the fact that this damn fish is still alive is astounding. My son won him at a fair a year and a half ago. Aren’t they supposed to die in the car on the way home??

        • #3166693

          Well Mae to see where you went wrong

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You got me there..

          You need to watch the Add for the Ford Focus in the above link. 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #3229682

          the real question

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You got me there..

          was it all the kissing of mr pink that accounts for the LONG span? :0

        • #3229637

          There are people who I have kissed

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to the real question

          that I probably shouldn’t have. I can say, with all certainty, that I still have plenty of humans I could go through before I have to resort to kissing goldfish.

          Then again, maybe I don’t know what I’m missing?

      • #3166645

        or

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to It’s the weekend!! well..almost…

        Why procastinate now? Wouldn’t you really like to do it later?

        I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!

        No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it.

        Schizophrenia beats being alone.

        To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

        If you have nothing to do, don’t do it here.

        Please keep your hands off the secretary’s reproducing equipment.

        You’re just jealous because the voices aren’t talking to you!

        Kiss me twice. I’m schizophrenic.

        Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

        While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

        The cost of feathers has risen…. Now even down is up!

        Orcs really aren’t so bad (if you use lots of catsup).

    • #3166619

      Men and Women Compared

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      NICKNAMES
      If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

      If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

      EATING OUT

      When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

      When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

      MONEY

      A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

      A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t want.

      BATHROOMS

      A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

      The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

      ARGUMENTS

      A woman has the last word in any argument.

      Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

      CATS

      Women love cats.

      Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

      FUTURE

      A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

      A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

      SUCCESS

      A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

      A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

      MARRIAGE

      A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

      A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

      DRESSING UP

      A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

      garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

      A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

      NATURAL

      Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

      Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

      OFFSPRING

      Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

      A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

      THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

    • #3166617

      Grandpa is lost…

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

      He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

      The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

      The little boy replied, “Jack Daniels and women with big t1ts”.

    • #3166608

      Two Fonts walked into a bar…..

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The bartender said “Hey! We don’t serve your type here….”

    • #3166605

      Ten famous last words

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Ten famous last words

      OK, it’s safe to cross the road now.
      No, this socket’s not live any more.
      Put that knife away before you hurt yourself
      How long’s this ham been in the fridge?
      I’ve done this a million times before.
      Do you hold it this way round?
      Yes, towards me, keep on coming.
      That doesn’t hurt.
      Honestly – I can drink 25 pints a night.
      So, the lion, temporarily tranquilized by this dart…

    • #3166531

      I’d rather have a bottle in front of me…

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      …than have to have a frontal lobotomy.

      Stupid Questions Asked at Our (USA) National Parks

      These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. Excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.

      Grand Canyon National Park
      * Was this man-made?
      * Do you light it up at night?
      * I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?
      * Is the mule train air conditioned?
      * So where are the faces of the presidents?

      Everglades National Park
      * Are the alligators real?
      * Are the baby alligators for sale?
      * Where are all the rides?
      * What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

      Denali National Park (Alaska)
      * What time do you feed the bears?
      * Can you show me where the yeti lives?
      * How often do you mow the tundra?
      * How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

      Mesa Verde National Park
      * Did people build this, or did Indians?
      * Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
      * What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?
      * Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
      * Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

      Carlsbad Caverns National Park
      * How much of the cave is underground?
      * So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
      * Does it ever rain in here?
      * How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
      * So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

      Yosemite National Park
      * Where are the cages for the animals?
      * What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
      * Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

      Yellowstone National Park
      * Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
      * How do you turn it on?
      * When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
      * We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

      Courtesy The Joke Archives (http://www.joke-archives.com/)

    • #3166520

      Technically, it’s still Friday.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Tigger is picking ?em on up and laying ?em on down!!! GO Tigger!!!
      http://tinyurl.com/hfl7n

      ——
      I?ve been thinking about the past too much lately.
      http://tinyurl.com/mw8ps

      I remember the early 70?s.
      http://tinyurl.com/e5mfr

      I did a lot of deep thinking back then.
      http://tinyurl.com/gswdq

      ——
      This week people were talking about legs and combat boots and I don?t remember who said what.
      http://tinyurl.com/frctx

      This I do remember. 😀 ?Racism sucks a big fat choad spongemonkey butt?.
      http://tinyurl.com/fxy5u

      I have no idea why I put this in here.
      http://tinyurl.com/pgnxj

      —-
      My wife and I are planning a party.
      http://tinyurl.com/marm2

      Nobody listens to me around here. I said to open the door.
      http://tinyurl.com/ecx7z

      I got a haircut in time for the party
      http://tinyurl.com/lnpmo

      We decided to buy a bigger grill.
      http://tinyurl.com/h8omc

      And my friends and I are fixing up the house for the party.
      http://tinyurl.com/lcrk3

      —-

      I saw a couple of Doctors this week.

      I had to take a psychological test. I have no idea if I passed.
      http://tinyurl.com/ophkt &

      Then they took X-rays of my head.
      http://tinyurl.com/ptx7m

      And they X-rayed my wrist.
      http://tinyurl.com/eegw7

      Three to four months and I?ll be ready to go back to work. Wahoo. 😐
      http://tinyurl.com/epfys

      I?m looking for a management position. See head X-Ray above.
      http://tinyurl.com/ejsou

      But I don?t know if I want to do that again.
      http://tinyurl.com/muarq &

      ——
      Just another big a** motorcycle.
      http://tinyurl.com/f2gyh

      ——
      After all that thinking I did earlier I conclude that there is some kind of a God I just can?t explain why I feel that way. [i]Brought to you as a Public Safety Announcement by NBADD[/i]
      http://tinyurl.com/fbjv7

      Remember to listen to your kids.
      http://tinyurl.com/ogpxz

      ——-
      Miscellaneous

      If there is a God I hope he has a sense of humor about my so-called sense of humor, is cool about stuff I?ve done and may do again.
      http://tinyurl.com/ojrzr & http://tinyurl.com/jwtr8

      The Blueman group was on America?s Got Talent (or whatever it’s called). Awesome. Even though I may not agree with everything they stand for I?m looking forward to seeing them perform Live in ?Vegas.
      http://tinyurl.com/rqv9m -Youtube.com link It?s pretty warm in Hell today.
      Or try http://tinyurl.com/o5u7h if the link above is smoked.

      Still having mouse problems.
      http://tinyurl.com/qphd2

      I gotta go.
      http://tinyurl.com/oynhz

      Look at the time. Now I have to post this to actually get it in on Friday. For once.
      http://tinyurl.com/n88ue

      • #3229669

        Hey NB, it doesn’t matter which finger I push down

        by deadly ernest ·

        In reply to Technically, it’s still Friday.

        with, my mouse just squeaks and tries to bite me. And it’s sitting right in fron t of the computer, nice white albino, domestic mouse.

        • #3229663

          Post to Tech Q & A

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Hey NB, it doesn’t matter which finger I push down

          and Hal can probably show you what’s wrong. 😀

        • #3229634

          UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Post to Tech Q & A

          Chas dragged me kicking & Screaming back to the T Q & A Section but I’ll let you in on a secret I only do it for the [b]Tech Points.[/b] 😀

          Now the best solution to a mouse trying to bite you is to grab it by the lead/tail which ever you prefer to call it and bash it on the desktop several times till it stops squealing. After you do this once properly it will never attempt to bite you again. :^0

          Of course if you have a cordless mouse it’s harder but with a bit of practise you can manage to get the same results. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #3229632

          That won’t work for me Col

          by deadly ernest ·

          In reply to UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :p

          I usually hold the mouse with a finger each side of the head and the hand reasting along the body. However, no matter how much I press the left or right shoulder, all it does is squeak and try to bite me. With a finger each side of the head, it doesn’t manage to get at me. However, if I let go to get a different grip, it takes off across the desk, then my cat (Andy Cat – yeah real ‘Andy ‘e is) takes off after the mouse. What those to do to a keyboard when they run across it, and return, and return, and … (I’m sure you get the picture). Also what is on the screen is some real wierd text.

          Last time I got real frustrated with a mouse, it was a male mouse. I got so angry that I poured some female mouse pheremones on it and let it go. Last I saw of it it was running for its life across the front paddock (half a kilometre square) with a dozen or so field mice chasing after it. I don’t know where that lot ended up, but they were all in for a rude shock when they got there.

        • #3229617

          Whatever you do

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to That won’t work for me Col

          Don’t press backspace after your cat has run across the keyboard.

          Freaky things happen…

      • #3229594

        NB, TiggerTwo is still going strong

        by old guy ·

        In reply to Technically, it’s still Friday.

        Ya’ll watch this. http://tinyurl.com/mrkew

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