Friday Yuk
A plane is on its way from Sydney to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde that she?s only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies: ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to Melbourne and I?m staying right here!?
The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a passenger sitting in First Class who belongs on Economy who won?t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she has only paid for Economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies once again: ?I?m blonde, I?m beautiful, I?m going to Melbourne and I?m staying right here!?
Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman who won?t listen to reason.
The pilot says: ?Oh, she?s blonde? I?ll handle this, I?m married to a blonde and over the years I?ve learnt how to speak fluent blonde!?
The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something into her ear, and she replies:
?Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea?, and gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot of course are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.
The pilot replied: ?I told her First Class isn?t going to Melbourne!?
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The Bathtub Test
It doesn?t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started!
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
?Well,? said the Director, ?We fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.?
?Oh! I understand,? said the visitor. ?A normal person would use the bucket because it?s bigger than the teaspoon or tea cup.?
?No,? said the Director.
?A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window??
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A man dining in a fancy restaurant notices a gorgeous redhead (not a blonde joke this time?) sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye flies out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
?Oh my, I am so sorry,? the woman says, popping her eye back in place. ?Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.?
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards she takes him to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens attentively. After paying for everything, she asks him if she would like to come to her place for a night cap and to stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
?You know?, he says, ?You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet??
?Oh no,? she replies, ?You just happened to catch my eye.?
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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and tried to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ?Why?? my daughter asked.
?Because it?s been on the ground, you don?t know where it?s been, it?s dirty and probably has germs,? I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ?Mummy, how do you know all this stuff??
?Um,? I was thinking quickly, ?All mums know this stuff. It?s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don?t let you be a Mummy.? We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was obviously pondering this new information.?OH?I get it!? she beamed, ?So if you don?t pass the test, you have to be the Daddy.
?Exactly,? I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart
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Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and... Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their cough, cold, aspirin while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skateboard park.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Kiwis are injured each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Kiwis are injured each year by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Kiwis had burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. and finally.....
In 2005 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet
And finally only in NZ can you contract a STD from your favourite Sheep. Currently there are no figures for this happening because it is now so common that no one bothers listing the reason where these Sexually Transmitted Diseases have arisen from.
IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE KIWI SEND THIS ON
Have a great weekend everyone. :D
Col ]:)