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  • #2257434

    Friday Yuk

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    by neilb@uk ·

    A blind Mackem enters a Geordie pub by mistake. He finds his way to the bar and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the landlord: “Hey, you wanna hear a joke about the Geordies?”
    The pub falls absolutely silent.
    The lad next to him says: “Before yer tell us yer joke bonnie lad, there’s a few things yer shud knaa:
    1 – The landlord is a Geordie.
    2 – The booncer is a Geordie.
    3 – I’m a 6ft 6in taall, 220-poond Geordie with a black belt in kerartee.
    4 – The lad sitting next to us is a Geordie, and is a pro weightlifta.
    5 – The lad to your reet is a Geordie, and is a pro wrestla.
    Noo, think aboot it seriously, marra. Do you still wanna tell yer Geordie joke?”
    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares:
    “Nah…not if Ah’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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    • #3215423

      oooooh! You ….you….rat!

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Ok, my go….

      A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile
      phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of
      drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just
      produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds

      Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
      Geordie just shrugs, “That’s about average in the Northeast. Like I
      said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy.”

      Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
      “Jeezaz” were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

      Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar. The bartender says
      “You’re the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds
      at birth. Everybody’s been having bets about how big he’d be in 2 weeks.
      We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?”

      The proud father answers, “17 pounds”

      The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He weighed 25
      pounds the day he was born.”

      The Geordie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his
      lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
      says…………..

      “Had him circumcised”

      – – – – – – – – –
      Geordies brother Jonty passed away. Geordie bought a little wooden cross to put on Jonty’s grave. When he went to put some flowers on the grave. He noticed that the wind had blown the cross over to the right, so he straightened it up. put a wooden chock in. The next day he went down he saw that the cross had been blown over to the left. He thought to himself, What am I ganna de noo! When he saw a coil of wire lying on the ground. The Redifussion lads had been working there. So he got a wonderful idea. He fastened one end of the wire on the cross, and the other to a nearby tree. That night he went to the Club for a pint. His mate Tucker says, “Geordie, I see your Jonty’s dee’in weel since he snuffed it”. “How de’ya make that oot”, says Geordie. “Why” says Tucker, “I passed his grave this mornin, I see he’s got the cable telly in noo!”.
      ________________________________________

      Geordie and Tucker were discussing films. Tucker says “Ye shud gaan te the Roxy the neet, ther’s a grand pictor on – Moby Dick”. “I divvent think aall bother”, says Geordie, “Aah care nowt for them sex pictors”. “Divvint be daft!” says Tucker, “It’s nowt te de wuth sex. it’s aall aboot whales”. “Aah divvent like Welsh pictors either” says Geordie.

      (Last one speshully fa Neil – there ya go, babz!)

      Enjoy!

      (Spool cheeker on word didn?t, it fritzed out on Geordie!)

      Have a wonderful weekend, all!

      😀

      GG

      ]:)

      • #3215410

        Now all we need is an English translation. :^0

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to oooooh! You ….you….rat!

        :p

        • #3215360

          well to be honnest, nope we don’t

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Now all we need is an English translation. :^0

          An young blurk entered the ice cream palace an’ asked,
          “what kinds iv ice cream d’ya hev?”
          “vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the lass wheezed as she spoke, patted hor chest an’ seemed unyeble tuh continue.
          “do yee hev laryngitis?” the young blurk asked sympathetically.
          “nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate an’ strawberry.”

          or

          A cheil entered th’ ice cream palace an’ speart,
          “what kinds ay ice cream dae ye hae?”
          “vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” th’ quinie wheezed as she spoke, patted ‘er chest an’ seemed unable tae continue.
          “do ye hae laryngitis?” th’ cheil speart sympathetically.
          “nope,” she whispered, “joost vanilla, chocolate an’ strawberry.”

          Aaaaa, allmost forgot to put in the English version:

          A young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, “What kinds of ice cream do you have?”

          “Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

          “Do you have laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.

          “Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

          or Dutch

          Een jonge man ging het Roomijs Palace in en vroeg,
          “Welke soorten roomijs heeft u?”

          “vanille, chocolade, aardbei,” sprak het meisje hees terwijl zij zich verslikte, op haar borst klopte, bijna niet instaat om verder te gaan.

          “Hebt u laryngitis?” vroeg de jonge man sympathiek.

          “Neee,” fluisterde zij hees,
          “enkel vanille, chocolade en aardbei.”

          Rob

          [i]edited for the English and Dutch version[/i]

        • #3215355

          Good stuff!

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to well to be honnest, nope we don’t

          😀

        • #3215090

          Well I guess that the YOKE is on me. :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to well to be honnest, nope we don’t

          But I was asking for a translation for Gordie to Common English not Dutch. 😀

          You know the English that those outside of the UK and European Union might understand. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #3214784

          Nah, Hal 9000 isn’t on you :p

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Well I guess that the YOKE is on me. :p

          Just slang in general :^0 😀 😉

          but this helps http://www.whoohoo.co.uk

          Rob

      • #3215310

        Wow GG

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to oooooh! You ….you….rat!

        Poor you 🙁

        that is … if all Geordiean men are that shape 😀 😉

        😡
        Rob

        Have a nice weekend all.

      • #3215108

        Fantastic!

        by protiusx ·

        In reply to oooooh! You ….you….rat!

        This is great! I laughed until it hurt. Then I had to look up what a “Geordie” and “Mackam” were. :o) Its tough being a “Bloody Yank”!

        • #3214778

          Well, if you will get born in the “wrong place”….

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Fantastic!

          If you go back through my posts with Neil, you’ll get all the history you ever wanted to know about Geordies, Mackams, Monkey hangers etc……

          Ga’an canny, marra!

          😀

          GG

        • #3213719

          Well what can I say? :0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Fantastic!

          Even here you can see that the Poms have evolved into several different Sub Species all with their own recognised names. :^0

          At the moment Scientists claim that the evolution is accelerating with even more Sub Species rising to the surface like North/South/East/West Georgie and so on all across the country. 🙂

          They are currently devoting millions of pounds in examining this massive evolutionary change to see and hypothesise what the Poms will eventually evolve into. The scientist are currently claiming that this is fuelled by Political Change and when a while ago Magi Thatcher was the PM there was little to no change and very low birth rate as the women in the UK would wear masks of Magi to bed which immediately put off any male so there where no new Headache cures developed. This got so bad that and entire generation of Pommie Males rushed off the a small island in the middle of nowhere to kill themselves rather than be exposed to any more sights of Magi. There are still males in [b]Heavy Therapy[/b] from that time and most who where alive back them can still be driven into states of [b]Deep Mental Illness[/b] by just the mention of her name any pictures which have been ordered destroyed completely only make it far worse. 🙂

          That was the only form of Birth Control that has proved 100% effective. 😀

          But currently Scientists are worried that as it is looking as if Tony Blair is loosing popularity the trend to evolve will diminish after the next General Election as any new leader will slow the rate of change down by being such a lonely SOD who no one can be bothered with. :p

          Col ]:)

    • #3215406

      Aaaarrrrgh

      by now left tr ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

      Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”
      Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
      Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”
      Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
      Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”
      Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”
      Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”

      Pause.

      Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
      Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”
      Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”
      Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”
      Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”
      Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”
      Customer: “Oh.”
      Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”
      Customer: “Why?”
      Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”
      Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”
      Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”
      Customer: “Ok.”

      I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.

      Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”
      Customer: “Yes.”
      Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”

      Pause.

      Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

      And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE – http://tinyurl.co.uk/n46a.”

    • #3215404

      Ha ha ha :D , oh my

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      where is that warning sign ]:)
      need some tearwipers 😀 lovely great, man give me some tyem, oops time

      ——–
      Recovered
      ——–

      A Geordie is in London for the day and really fancie’s a pint of NewCastle Brown Ale.

      It isn’t long before he comes across a pub.

      Once inside he walks up to the barman and asks for his favorite drink, a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale.
      “I’m sorry” say’s the barman “We don’t sell Newcastle Brown Ale here”

      The Geordie is gutted, but as he is thirsty he decides to have anything that the barman can offer.

      “Will a pint of Witbred do sir?” the barman enquired handing him the drink.
      “That’ll do” the Geordie
      answers and takes a good long gulp, “Wy-ay thats not bad” he said in apreciation, “Im ganna need a piss now. Can ya look after me pint while I’m in there?”
      “Certainly Sir” answered the barman
      “But I don’t want anybody touching my pint, there will be hell to pay if they do” and off he goes to the toilet to relieve himself.

      While he’s in there a big black woman walks up to the geordie’s pint, takes a sip from it and then farts in it. The barman see’s this but is to late. He panics, remembering the Geordie’s threat and 2 seconds later in comes the geordie back from the toilet. He’s about to pick up his pint when he notices a fresh lipstick mark on the glass,”whats be goin on ere then man? Some one’s ad me pint”. Sweating, and pointing at the black woman over in the corner, the barman tells the story of how she farted in his pint.

      “Reet then” say’s the geordie rolling up his sleeves, and marches over to where the big black woman is sat,
      “‘scuse me luv, you fart in ma Whitbred”
      to which the woman replies,
      “No I’m Tessa Sanderson.”
      ——

      Have a great weekend all

      Rob

      [i]edited cause I first had to recover before puttin in … a joke[/i]

    • #3215367

      My last plane trip

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

      Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out “Business trip or pleasure?”

      She turned, smiled and said, “Business…I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”

      He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at the convention?”

      “Lecture,” she responded. “I’m the lead lecturer where I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

      “Really,” he said, “and what kinds of myths are there?”

      “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Tech Republic member who is most likely to possess that trait.
      Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Jewish men who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all this with you; I don’t even know your name.”

      “Mambo,” the man said, “Mambo Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba”

      (P.S. Joke edited to replace Mario the Italian with Mambo the TR member. (Just in case you want to tell it so it makes sense to someone else) 😀 )

      • #3215307

        DM you are getting perilously close to the Gutter again.

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to My last plane trip

        :p

    • #3215361

      Not so much a yuk..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      but I know there are some animal lovers out there and I thought you might find this as touching as I did..

      In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
      college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
      elephant
      standing with one leg raised in the air.

      The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
      He
      got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a
      large
      thorn deeply embedded in it.

      As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
      his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

      The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
      face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
      thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
      trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

      Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
      years
      later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they
      approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
      walked
      over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull
      elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off
      the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
      trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

      Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if
      this
      was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
      railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
      elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted
      again,
      wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and swung him wildly back
      and
      forth along the railing, bashing his brains out and killing him.

      Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

      • #3215354

        My kind of joke :D

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Not so much a yuk..

        😀

      • #3215304

        Mae

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Not so much a yuk..

        you made me smile….. 😀

        • #3215292

          Ahh..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Mae

          then I have accomplished something today. 🙂

      • #3215302

        That was great.

        by vanessaj ·

        In reply to Not so much a yuk..

        Thanks for making my Friday.

      • #3215159

        Mae!

        by cmiller5400 ·

        In reply to Not so much a yuk..

        That had my hopes up to be a nice centimental moment, but NO, you had to send them down to the dumpster! 😉 Great one Mae! ]:)

      • #3215059

        I hate when that happens

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to Not so much a yuk..

        The Lion was walking through the Plains of the Jungle when he spied a Giraffe. He walked up to the giraffe and asked, ?Who is the King of the Jungle?? The giraffe said, ?Everybody knows you are Mr. Lion Sir.? The Lion said, ?That?s right? and stalked off.

        Then the Lion saw a Monkey. He grabbed the Monkey and asked, ?Who is the King of the Jungle?? The Monkey said, ?Why you are Mr. Lion Sir. Everybody knows that.? The Lion said, ?That?s right? and walked off.

        The next animal the Lion saw was an Elephant. He walked up to the Elephant and said, ?Who is the King of the Jungle?? The Elephant grabbed the Lion with his trunk and started thrashing him into the ground, against the bushes and trees until finally flinging the Lion at his feet. The Lion looked up and said, ?Hey! Just because you don?t know the answer it doesn?t mean that you have to get pi**ed off!?

      • #3215052

        LMAO

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to Not so much a yuk..

        That is too funny Mae!! 😀

    • #3215349

      here we go then, two more

      by waity85 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A Geordie and Mackem are walking along the beach discussing the summer signings when all of a sudden the geordie falls over. Standing back up the geordie pulls out the object he tripped over, a bronze lamp.

      “Mus be ona them genii things” says the geordie.

      “Gan on then rub” smiles the Mackem.

      Low and behold a genie appears from the lamp.

      “Great” says the Genie, “two of you. Look am in a hurry so you can both have one wish each, make it quick”

      “Me first I found it,” exclaims the Geordie. “ay wan a 10 foot waal all tha way rund the toon, with all the geodies in and all the Mackems oot!”

      “done” the genie clicks his fingers and a wall appears round Newcastle. “Next”

      “Easy” smiles the Mackem “Fill the bugger wid watter!”

      _____

      question: What do you call 5000 geordies at the bottom of the ocean?

      Answer: A bl00dy good start!!!

      PS. apologies to anyone that takes offence and please no deaththreats. I’m a Mackem working in the toon

      • #3215269

        [b] A MACKEM??[/b] Phthaaa! Phthaaa!

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to here we go then, two more

        Working in the TOON? And you’re STILL ALIVE???

        I have it worse…

        Geordie working in the Land of the Prince Bishops…. I think I win, hands down….

        Whereaboots in toon, Waity?

        GG

        • #3215233

          Just by Manors

          by waity85 ·

          In reply to [b] A MACKEM??[/b] Phthaaa! Phthaaa!

          And I’ll have no-one bad-mouth the land of the great prince Bishops ! 😉 grew up and studied there, not a finer place to be had in the land….

          where you at in Durham?

        • #3214780

          finer place?

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Just by Manors

          you gotta be joking…….

          because……

          I work in the NHS Mental Health Trust just outside of Lanchester….for my sins…..

          (and no, Waity, I just work here, I am not an inpatient….I’ve had all those digs on this board before!) :p

          GG

        • #3213717

          You don’t have to be mad to work here

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to finer place?

          but it helps!

        • #3213714

          Helps? Hah!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to You don’t have to be mad to work here

          It’s a bloomin necessity where I am, babz!

          😀

          GG

        • #3213573

          Hey GG wasn’t Babz

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Helps? Hah!

          The one from the [b]Carry On Films[/b] with the big mammary glands? :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3213557

          Col

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Helps? Hah!

          that wasn’t Babz, that was Babs… Babs Windsor, currently “starring” in one of our soaps, EastEnders….

          Hope you manage to miss it….. :p

          GG

        • #3213551

          Babs Windsor

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Helps? Hah!

          Referring to Barbara Windsor- actress that plays old what’s her name- Peggy- whiny witch? Hubby had an affair and now her life is crap?

          Been a long while since I have caught EastEnders. Liked some of the characters early on but there have been too many changes for me to stay tuned. And we are easily two years behind.

        • #3213543

          GG I take it that East Enders is a Pommie Sh#t Com right?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Helps? Hah!

          As I don’t see much TV here I’m not even sure if it’s shown here. 🙂

          The little amount of time that I do get free I prefer to bung in a DVD and watch that instead of the junk on TV. 🙁

          Some person tried to sell me a deal on Cable TV where I could have 90 + channels of total garbage I settled for the 6 Free to Air that we get here. Besides [b]SHMBO[/b] watching the [b]Bullsh#t for the Braindead[/b] I don’t see any soaps at all. About the closest thing that I get to see that comes close are things like the new Dr Who and Absolute Power. I like both of those. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3213715

          OH I see GG is it any wonder that Neil stood you up

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to finer place?

          When you let slip that you have a mask of Magi Thatcher? 🙂

          He didn’t want to be exposed to severe Physiological Abuse so he avoided you like the plague. I would have to agree with Neils actions in that case it was for his own [b]Self Preservation![/b] 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #3213713

          Miiiiiiaaaaaaaoooooowwwwwwch!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to OH I see GG is it any wonder that Neil stood you up

          what’d I do to deserve that, Col?

          Sheesh….

          (She’s a bloody lot older than me, wrong hair colour, but yes, ok, she’s taller….. but I still look nowt like her!)

          😀

          GG

        • #3213564

          What can I say GG :)

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Miiiiiiaaaaaaaoooooowwwwwwch!

          I’ve had one of those days. The phone started ringing at 6.30 AM and it’s only got worse as the day went on. 🙁

          But out of self preservation I answered a post above here http://tinyurl.com/ndd39 and just got carried away with the idea. 😀

          But I bet it got you thinking didn’t it? :p

          Anyway it’s getting close to the end of your day if you haven’t already finished at 3.30 PM like most under worked overpaid Bureaucrats. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #3213712

          no your really get close to home…

          by waity85 ·

          In reply to finer place?

          I grew up in Witton Gilbert and my family still live there. As I said no finer place…

          green trees, rolling countryside, better than the grey concrete I see every day ;-). drove through at weekend taking my puppies down to wolsingham.

          I miss green 🙁

        • #3213665

          hah!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to no your really get close to home…

          if you’re from WG, you’ll know PRECISELY where I work, do you?

          Puppies? Wolsingham? Xplain?

          GG

        • #3213599

          ah well

          by waity85 ·

          In reply to hah!

          I think I now where you work, I don’t get to Lanchester much these days.

          drove through Lanchester to get to Wolsingham (or a little village near it called Hill End). If you don’t know Wolsingham is about 30 mins south of Lanchesher, near Tow Law way.

          Anyways I’ve loved Hill End since I was a kid, rolling hills, small lakes and rivers. Reminds me of the Lake district, so I took the opportunity (a clients scheduled maintenance was called off) to take my puppies for a relaxing walk.

          I’ve got two Irish setters, Solo and Jazz, both as daft as a brush and both, unfortunately, took the opportunity to throw up in my car 🙁

          so, theres the explaination…

    • #3215326

      forgive me if I got it bass-ackward

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A drunken Geordie blonde goes into a bar.
      The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, ” Gimme a beer.”

      The bartender then asks, ” Anheuser-Busch?”

      To which she replies, ” Fine thanks, and how’s your weenie?”

    • #3215314

      I should probably post a warning sign on this … but why???

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      American’s Guide to Britain

      This guide is for American tourists visiting Britain, who may otherwise be confused by strange British customs.

      General
      The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the modern word for what was once called a “shilling” — the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called “wellies” and friends are called “tossers.” If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” — he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

      Habits
      Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank — everyone will understand and forgive you.

      Universities
      University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are “in the know” — one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you’ve requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

      One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as “cottaging.” Many of the boats (called “yer-i-nals”) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it’s a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

      Food
      British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

      Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn’t, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia — try an Ely ’84 or Ripon ’88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

      Transportation
      Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).

      Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don’t forget that buses are called “prams” in England, and trains are called “bumbershoots”–it’s a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called “lorries” and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the “off-license”. It’s also very important to know that a “doctor” only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an “MP” (which stands for “master physician”).

      For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

      Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say “Subway” and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

    • #3215300

      Bill Gates Retirement Video

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This has been around a while but I found out about it yesterday. Very funny!

      Bill Gates Retirement Video – on Letterman
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_o9isZY5h0&search=Letterman%20on%20Bill%20Gates

      • #3215231

        Is Bill Gates the Anti-Christ?

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to Bill Gates Retirement Video

        Warning! Bill Gates may be the antichrist. Revelation 13:18 says:

        “Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His number is 666.”

        The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where “III” means the order of third (3rd). By converting the letters of his name to the ASCII-values (which are used in computers) you will get the following:

        B I L L G A T E S 3

        66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666

        * Adolf Hitler
        * Joseph Stalin
        * The Pope

        (You can count number 666 from each of the names above.)

        Is the fourth beast Microsoft corporation which represents the power of money? Revelation 13:16 and 13:18 says:

        “He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads,” “and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name”.

        “Windows compatible?”

        It looks like well-known OS’s fall into the same category:

        M S – D O S 6 . 2 1

        77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

        W I N D O W S 9 5
        87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

        Coincidence? You decide!

        • #3215086

          TT isn’t the Anti Christ

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Is Bill Gates the Anti-Christ?

          Supposed to be believed by the masses? 🙂

          If so that would rule out [b]Billy Boy Immediately[/b] for this position. 🙁

          Col ]:)

    • #3215280

      How to keep a TechMail happy for hours

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Follow this link

      http://tinyurl.com/fjapo

      Bit of recursion. this must qualify as an infinite thread…

      • #3215279

        Uh, which link?

        by old guy ·

        In reply to How to keep a TechMail happy for hours

        .

      • #3215277

        Oh, that link…

        by old guy ·

        In reply to How to keep a TechMail happy for hours

        hmmm.

      • #3215172

        Cool

        by now left tr ·

        In reply to How to keep a TechMail happy for hours

        Wow, like you are so cool man. I can just see your face as you created the post. Clckin submitt,Leaned back in your chair, took a sip of coffee (or whatever) and thought…

        Man, the guys will love this. I am just the coolest of cool. Even Fonse would look up to me now.

        Aeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

        • #3215169

          It’s all just a bit of fun

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Cool

          None of it matters one bit in the great scheme of things. It’s livened up Friday a miniscule bit. Some may find it very slightly amusing although I’ve done it before so it’s not novel.

          It’s all play.

          (Tea)

          Ah well, two more posts on my thread – I’m still ahead of that dastardly jdclyde.

    • #3215245

      I think we’re in trouble…someone is advocating hugs again

      by vanessaj ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      in the workplace…

      http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=9&threadID=198899&messageID=2073115

      Okay, my bad! ]:) Just thought it was funny that it was mentioned.

      • #3215238

        As long as it isn’t

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to I think we’re in trouble…someone is advocating hugs again

        Drunkenly hugging your cat in the workplace!

        That is funny…

        How’s it going, Vanessa?

        • #3215214

          Busy week…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to As long as it isn’t

          and the thread hasnt’ mentioned cats, yet, but I’m still worried 😉

          How’s the walking going? I need to pm you about shoes and a confession (I’m a lazy slob – there I’ve said it out loud). I hope to get to that today or next week sometime. busy busy busy…you know how some weeks (months) are. And Summer is supposed to be our slow season! I’m worried about Fall. If it’s this busy now, we may have to hire come Fall/Winter, I’m not sure.

          Oh, Tig, do you still want that VHS tape? I forgot which one at the moment, but I have never seen the show you guys are always raving about (red something) and would love the exposure (i think 🙂 ). Let me know if you still want to trade…or I could just send you what I have…not a problem. I think I’m going to have a yard sale and get rid of most of my VHS tapes anyway. There are some really great ones, but most I have replaced with DVDs already. I’m still looking for “They Live” with Roddy Piper, though. Have you seen that one? I loaned (which equals lost) my VHS and would love it on DVD if they have it. Still looking. Great movie!!! One of my fav’s.

        • #3215174

          Piper must see

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Busy week…

          He11 goes to frog town. So bad it is good! 😀

          The “red” show is the Red Dwarf, and English comedy. Finished up the season with my boys and started watching BlackAdder.

          “Love the beard, BridesMaid! Gives me something to hang on to!”

          :^0

        • #3215163

          Flasheart

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Piper must see

          is, alas, only in that one in Season II.

          “She’s got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man’s tonsils.”

          😀

          Off to a good start with Blackadder, then?

          I hope your boys are OK with:

          Baldrick: Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn’t in fact enter my body.
          Blackadder: Oh good.
          Baldrick: No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way.

        • #3213673

          Half way through and doing grand

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Flasheart

          loved the “y” shaped coffin comment about jane.

          Ya, the boys are enjoying them as much as I am. A resounding thanks again!

          I will be getting the boys a few daze this week because the EX has a date, so she is dropping them off. (the boys, not the date). We watch two or three in a sitting. Then it will be time to start over to get all the subtle parts that get missed the first time around.

        • #3215153

          I can never find that in my listings

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Piper must see

          always just 300 channels and nothing on (except Fridays with Monk and Dr. Who – when they are actually playing – dratted USA challel). I can find The Red Dwarf online but not on my TV. At some point I have GOT to look for them at BlockBuster, etc. I have been reading all TRD and the Black Adder (which I have seen once or twice – very funny) but also cannot find anymore, and am extremely curious. I’ll bet TRD is worth a watch. I just hope, when I finally find it, it’s not habit-forming like Monty Python was. 🙂

        • #3215151

          Nessa- Why Blockbuster

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I can never find that in my listings

          You know someone that can send Red Dwarf to you.

          Peer me an addy- I have the file, I can burn as many sets as I can afford the blanks for!

          I warn you- I have ALL the seasons and the outtakes and the BBC specials…

        • #3215131

          T, check your email

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Nessa- Why Blockbuster

          I emailed you a novel about 1/2 hour ago. Post here if you didn’t get it. Have a great weekend. Take care of you, girl!!

        • #3215152

          Actually, JD

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Piper must see

          The “Red” that Vanessa was referring to is “Red Green”. I owe her a DVD.

          Your Red, if you ever peer me with an address, is sitting on the dining room table. I still have to lable them. Or not. May just ship them with a master sheet and leave you to it.

          And if you want all four seasons of Black Adder, I have them too. That might cost you- Season four- “Black Adder Goes Forth” is really good.

          I also have the Dr Who for Comic Relief in which Rowan Atkinson, Hugh Jackman, and a variety of others not coming immediately to mind all play the good doctor.

          And one you are not likely to see anywhere- Black Adder’s Christmas Carol. Once you have seen all three seasons- you have season two- the “Christmas Carol” is priceless!

          Edit- same sh!t, different day…

    • #3215154

      When Political Correctness goes too far

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

      There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

      Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
      Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

      One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

      “But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”

      Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

      “But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”

      Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

      “But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”

      And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical womyn’s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

      “But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”

      But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.

      Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

      Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

      Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

      On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

      She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

      Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

      She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

      The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

      Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”

      Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.

      But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.

      He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
      Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

      Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
      “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

      The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

      Red Riding Hood said, “Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

      “You forget that I am optically challenged.”

      “And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.”

      “Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.”

      “And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”

      The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

      “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

      The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

      At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

      “Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

      “And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”

      “Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

      “Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

      “No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”

      “Sure,” said the Wolf.

      “Thanks.”

      “I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said “Do you have any Maalox?”

    • #3215087

      Well maybe not a real Friday Yuk bu I got a laugh out of it

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A couple of years ago in a palliative care unit in Canberra there where only 2 building on the one road the [b]Palliative Care Unit[/b] and one of the road and a [b]Upper Class Restraint[/b] and they where not close together but several miles apart.

      A person walking out from visiting their dieing relative is greeted by a bunch of jovial people in the reception area who are laughing and joking and generally caring on. She went and makes a complaint to the management who send out one of the staff to see what’s going on and they are greeted with [b]Where’s Our Table We’ve Been Told That You Have The Freshest Meat In Town.[/b]

      I don’t know how they got in as the building is supposed to be a Secure Building with people coming and going at all hours but this crowd had rolled up to the wrong place and where expecting a meal. The Staff member being a bit of a Lad said something along the lines of Sorry but no one has died today so we don’t have any fresh meat at the moment perhaps if you would like to come back tomorrow we might have some. He then directed them to the restraint that they wanted to go to originally which was at the other end of the road and was brightly lit with advertising signs and not just the one light over the Security Door.

      Col ]:)

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