Friday Yuk

your $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100 notes please - I'll take all I can get.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of sh*t.

I don?t know what your problem is, but I?ll bet it?s hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you?ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I?m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I?ll try being nicer if you?ll try being smarter.

I?m out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message?

I don?t work here. I?m a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can?t understand a word you are saying.

Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again?

I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don?t give a d@mn.

I?m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn?t mean you are an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I?m not being rude, you?re just insignificant.

It?s a thankless job, but I have a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your cry-baby, whiny assed opinion would be??

Do I look like a people person?

This isn?t an office. It?s He!l with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what?s behind door number one?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, Panic, and Disorder- my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

today'sTHOT============================

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

BTW: Have a really great week off. I think a lot of people are taking this week off. Not me, if all goes well and I can get certain things done by 7/31, I might actually be set for a normal work week again after that. Please I hope so.

Anyway, have a great one.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Wait for it...

You get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round.

Life was tuff in the old days...

-------------------------------------------------
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about
how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles
to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying
their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained
a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was
going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!

But...

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty-something, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so damn easy.

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damned Utopia

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't even know how good you've got
it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no e-mail!

We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!

And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in a mailbox and
it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3's or Napsters!

You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store

and shoplift it yourself!

Try sticking an LP Album under your jacket, buddy

Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk
over the beginning and screw it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you
a copy of "Penthouse" at the shops! It was either that or jackoff to the
lingerie section of the Farmers catalog! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody
else called they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no
idea who it was - it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug
dealer, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D
graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids and
the graphic sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And
you could never win the game, the game just kept getting harder and faster until
you died!

Just like LIFE

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All
the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels
and there was no onscreen menu!!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...

D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying?

We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy!

You're spoiled, I swear to God!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1987!

NO DUCK JOKES. I'd never be one to stand between a duck and its mud.

We call them Bar over here.

5 Bar, 10 Bar, 20 Bar, 50 Bar and 100 Bar

Sometimes we use 'Sheets'

and on the rare occation 'pounds'

Guttermoth, in case you didn't see this one:
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=197916&messageID=2064448

I'm pretty graceless in the social graces, but as it's been nearly 9 months since I took advantage of your plans, it's time that I said thanks.

My wife still talks about some of the treats of that little holiday. I did take all the credit for myself, of course.

So, merci, ma cherie.

Brad the burglar was very successful in his work until he broke into this one house in suburbia. He picks the door locks, all three, and lets himself in. Makes his way down the hall placing nice sterling silver trinkets in his bag, reaching the lounge room he starts on the good cutlery when he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching you." Shines his torch around and sees no one. Picks up more cutlery, again the voice 'Jesus is watching you."

Taking more care shining his torch around he sees a parrot in the corner. Walking up to the parrot he says "What's your name?"

The parrot replies "My name is Moses and Jesus is watching you."

Laughing Brad says "What sort of idiot calls their parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies "The sort that names their rotweiller Jesus."

A study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Also I have for sale one slightly used F1 11 it's only been used by a [b]Little Old Lady[/b] to go to church on Sundays for a full description visit here

http://tinyurl.com/g556l

It's all yours to the highest bidder you can make bids via Peer Mail and I'll arrange the sale for you. [i]Please Note there may be some minor wheel problems but otherwise it's OK![/i] :^0

Col ]:)

best of luck with the kids! Just remember to stay out of petty spats, and keep a list of "things to do" in your pocket at all times!!

Enjoy, babz!

:x

GG

While camping. All you have to do is shot them and cut off the left ear as proof of the kill and when you go into the nearest town you'll get $5,000.00 per left ear. :p

It's recommenced that a straight kill is not achieved you just need to drop them and then cut off the [b]Left Ear[/b] then they can crawl away and die so you have no messy problems with disposing of the bodies. If you play your cards right the Bounty will even pay for the trip and you don't need to bring screaming & fighting kids back with you. :)

Happy Hunting. :^0

Col ]:)

Things to do in PEI.

Lobster Supper - there are churches that have these at reasonable prices, and some less fancy restaurants too. I am going for the most "home made" type that I can find. I'd be less cheap but I have three kids.

Deep sea fishing - For $30 ($20 for my son) you can go out on a charter for three hours and go deep sea fishing. The captain will fillet your catch.

Hang out on the beach -its cheap :) The kids have never swum in the ocean and they are real water rats.

Go Golfing - sadly I won't have room for my clubs but I can rent. PEI has lots of nice golf spots.

Anne of Green Gables museum. I have two young girls so there is no way around this one.

Go to a Ceilidgh. This is an old traditional singing party. There are formal ones that are more like concerts, and informal ones where they invite the audience to share a tune.

Watch the sunsets on the ocean.

The PEI tourism website has some good coupons. I am definately using some for things like the drive in and mini golf.

Too bad you wont be there the same time - (Aug 5-12).

PEI isn't as rugged as Cape Breton - I'd like to drive the Cabot Trail, but it is a little bit of a hike from PEI, at least for a day trip. Some day I'd like to see the bay of fundy too.

James

Yer talking about the fruit of my loins there. I would never kill them and sell their ears for $5000. What kind of nut are you?

I'm sure I could get much more selling them into slavery.

(Apologioes for any spelling errors - I did a few years French in high school and left in 1970 - so it's a bit rusty).

No DMambo if you want to keep the kids together, that's easy handcuffs work wonders to keep them in pairs of groups. One drawback is if you used mixed gender groups it makes visits to the loo a bit awkward.

At any rate, I remember quite a few years ago, there was a leash that came out for kids. I actually saw parents using it. It clipped on to their clothes and the parents could hold the other end.

Where are we sending our bills to get paid?

A dog has long been a man's best friend. Few women have a problem with that. But when The Field - the magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, fishing fraternity - suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.

Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.

Source: http://www.travelingdogs.com/jokes.html#better

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had...

Source: http://www.joke-archives.com/dogs/dogs.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redneck

Posted for those who don't wish to remain ignorant due to choice.

"Rednecks are traditional Americans, who work hard to support their families, and go to church on Sunday.

Rednecks volunteer as Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, firemen and anything else their community needs.

Rednecks usually drive pickup trucks, and they spend a lot more time than they would like using those trucks to haul things for neighbors, but they never complain, decline or accept payment.

Rednecks pay their own way and spend their hard earned money on clothes, insurance, food and education for their kids - rednecks won?t take charity or welfare.

Rednecks mow their own lawns and work on their own vehicles and they have every manner of tool imaginable (which they keep in a shed that they built themselves).

Rednecks don?t spend their leisure time protesting, or at fancy cocktail parties, criticizing President Bush?s grammar -- they hunt, fish and enjoy sports with their friends and families.

Rednecks usually wear work boots or cowboy boots, but at some point in their lives most rednecks owned a pair of combat boots, when they risked their lives to give the "pampered" the privilege of criticizing our "cowboy" president.

Rednecks show respect for veterans, say the Pledge of Allegiance with the words, "Under God", and stand when the national anthem is played.

Rednecks may not have the best education, but they know what matters: faith, family, patriotism, self sacrifice, and a strong work ethic.

A redneck may not have much money, but he knows what is truly valuable. If you threaten a redneck, his family, his friends or his country, he will not back down, surrender or appease."

I might add:

A redneck may forgive non-credible threats and mistreatment of his family, his friends or his country made through what he considers to be genuine ignorance, poor manners and/or simple stupidity but a redneck will [i]never[/i] forget the threat or mistreatment.

... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

... some people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

... some people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs too.

... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the "beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"That's interesting..." says God, "show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth & starts to mold the soil.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your [i]own[/i] dirt."

[b]US Marine Corps Rules:[/b]
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who died.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

[b]Navy SEALS Rules:[/b]
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

[b]US Army Rangers Rules:[/b]
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

[b]US Army Rules:[/b]
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

[b]US Air Force Rules:[/b]
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen; invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

[b]US Navy Rules:[/b]
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
[b]4. Deploy the Marines. [/b]

Disclaimer: No offense intended.

Hey ya'll,

I am in Kuwait and on my way home from Iraq-hopefuly for good. I have a few days to spare, doing much of nothing, so I figure I might as well catch up on a few good "Dixie Thunder" stories. Now this is one that happened about two months ago.

Kennedy was out with his "Road Warrior" bunch, as they so dubbed themselves. And the entire gang was there: Kennedy, Patterson, Ward (Fat Bazzard), Hamilton (Hambone), and good ole cross-eyed Butler.

Well, they were down by the IP station and got up a load of live mortar rounds from them, and they were steady loading them into their vehicles to take out to the desert and blow up. (See, this is one of our jobs here: to work with the Iraqi Police and Iraqi Army, to get live ammo they find, take it out to the desert, strap some good ole C4 to it, and blow it up-otherwise, it may fall into the hands of the insurgents. Mind you, all of these are bonafide live rounds, and one little slip and KABOOOOOOM!!!!!)

So they were all out there, in a long line, most careful in every minute detail, as they gently handed each other one round, then another round, and then another and so forth, til they was finished.

But Kennedy, being the trickster he ever is, come up with a really good one to pull. They was out there sweating away, concentrating on the dangerous mission at hand, knowing that any minute, any one single slip, and one of the mortar rounds would hit the ground, trigger the live pin, and KABOOOOOMMM!!!! (They would have all gone off too, had this happened, and not just the one in question.)

Anyhow, Kennedy said he was right there between Fat Bazzard and cross-eyed Butler, taking the round from Butler and handing it to Ward. But what Kennedy did, unbeknownst to any of them, was put down the mortar round, what was every bit the size and color of an Iraqi brick-bat, and actually picked one of them brick-bats up, in its place.

Well, by-n-by, Ward wanted his next round, to pass on down the line, and that was when Kennedy done it: he took that brick-bat, walked toward Ward, and tripped over his own two feet, at the same time throwing the brick-bat, what looked every bit like one of them mortar rounds, way up in the air. Kennedy cleared the area and laid low, to watch what happened next.

It was like one of them Pentacostal preachers slapped Butler upside his head and he was instantly healed of being cross-eyed: he went to hollering, as loud as he could, "oh Looooorrd, heaaaaadddddddsssssss uppppppp!!!!!"

That was when Fat Bazzard sprung into action and moved faster than a three hundred pound super man: he run right over several of them, his head looking up for the incoming round at the same time. He was screaming like a little girl, kicking around and all, thinking this his last day.

Him and Butler just outright panicked, and Hambone plumb got out of the way of the two; and the rest of the Road Warrior bunch, once they got wind of what was up-and coming down fast-lit out of there quick!

Some jumped behind that one tree that grew in the place-what was no bigger around than a man's thigh,-while others were just jumping down and laying flat on the ground, with eight fingers and the palms of their hands over their heads, and the other two stuck way up in their ears. This one fellow was running around in circles like a chicken with it's head chopped off. It was general mayhem.

Fat Bazzard saw the round coming down over that way, and he sprinted across the desert sands like one of them line backers that used to play for Bear Bryant, at Alabama. And he dove for it, when he got there close. But it was all to no avail, and the brick-bat hurled to the ground with a loud, "thud".......

Kennedy was steadily killing hisself laughing the entire time, watching the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen in his life, what with cross-eyed Butler being miraculously cured, and a three hundred pound super man trying to save the day. And I am sure when all the dust cleared they were about ready to literally kill Kennedy; but it was all for fun.

Well, maybe I will get some more out before I leave, so see ya'll later,

Richard The Medic

The Committee to Rename Anything Christian, Knowing it's Potentially Offensive or Threatening to Someone (C.R.A.C.K.P.O.T.S.) has completed its mandate.

As you know, we had humble beginnings when we successfully removed the highly offensive and threatening word "Christmas" from TV ads, catalogs, public schools and government property. Thank the non-specific deity that we now have Winter Holidays that offend no one.

We thought this would be a good time to review the other totally non-offensive holidays we have managed to place on the calendar. You'll see that we've expanded our efforts over the years to cover all sorts of unpleasantness.

? January ? Celebrate the First Day of Whatever Calendar Your Personal Tradition May Choose Day

? February ? Significant Other Person or Object Day

? March ? Wear Green But Don't Mention a Specific Nationality Day

? May ? Don't Look Back on the Past Day

? July ? Independence, Dependence or Codependence Day

? September ? People Who Like to Work or Just Hang Out Day

? October ? Celebrate With a Knowing Smile All the Europeans Who Claim to Have Discovered an Already Occupied Continent Day

? November ? Turkey Day ? but we're discussing whether to rename it Turkey or Soy Protein Meat Substitute Day

? And of course, December ? Winter Holiday Day

We think you'll agree, now that all the pesky deity-specific and politically incorrect holidays have been properly renamed, everyone is getting along like never before.

What's ahead? Well, our next project is to get churches to stop displaying those offensive religious symbols on their steeples where everyone can see.

Thanks for supporting our efforts,

Your friends at C.R.A.C.K.P.O.T.S.

Those clip-on leashes were so easy to defeat, the kids themselves could do it. When my two were toddlers in Germany, the wife & I bought zip-on harnesses and used the spring-loaded lockable leashes. Worked wonders when we only had one hand free and the kids decided to break in opposite directions.

We had no problems in Europe, but I did once have a lady report me for child abuse. If it makes a difference, I was in beautiful downtown Biloxi, MS at the time. The cop that responded said to stop wasting his time, it was good to see a father who cared enough for his kids to keep track of them, and my youngest is about to start walking, where did I get that neat harness.

I have been at home all day today, just sitting around waiting for the right time to pour a Black & Tan.

With luck, tomorrow will be the same...

Old, but still pretty good.

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/firesplace/flow.html

some folks were in New York City looking at the Statue of Liberty from the shore when they overheard a guy ask what that boat wath doing out there. Somebody told him that it was the ferry boat. He exclaimed, ?I knew we were everywhere but I didn?t realithe we had our own Navy.?

If I can ever find it again I'll post the real Preventative Maintenance Program flowchart I used in meetings. I'll have to "clean it up" first though.

---------

I still laugh, "Where's Jelli?" "Out walking his rat."

When you marry a sailor, you feel like you have just married an entire Military organisation. And that Military organisation PREFERS that you see it that way.

Which I understand.

And I spent most of those 10 years sleeping on the sofa!

can't find one. I get a kick seeing them around as parents try to hold on to their very mobile kids. Of course in the US (at least in my area) you would see more issues about child abuse. Unfortunately, we have too many really bad situations around here.

There was one in the news recently. A couple kept their kids in a kennel in their back yard. Leashes and all. It is such a sad thing. I really believe their ought to be some sort of test that people have to take to qualify to be parents. If they can't pass, they can't keep their kids.

I know that isn't feasable, but I really think it would benefit the kids.

We license drivers, but don't license parents. The only time we used the leash was when we were in public with our hands otherwise full. Usually that was in a mall after we had been shopping...which was also the place leashing our kids was most likely to attract negative attention. We got over it and the kids don't seem to have suffered any negative effects.

Yeah, unfortunately, the only parent training most people get is unsupervised on-the-job.

Its a shame isn't it. Really, really wish there was a better way to deal with THAT situation. I keep hearing these horror stories about what kids are going through and the Child Welfare system isn't much better.

There was a case of a couple who adopted 4 boys (all biological brothers). They then proceeded to starve them to death. Dyfaus and Child Welfare were supposedly checking up on the kids, but everything came out when the oldest (18 I think) was found picking food out of a neighbors garbage can. At 18 he was only 4ft tall and was bone and skin. His brothers were even worse off.

The church the family belonged too insisted the kids were starving themselves and that the "adoptive parents" were very spiritual, good, caring people. Uh Huh.

At any rate, thanks to the neighbors and media the kids were taken away and have been getting help for all the issues. The mother will stand trial in the fall I think, the husband died before it could go before a judge.

You look at the 18 year old today and he looks so much better and is growing and getting stronger. His story is the kind of stuff I see and hear about all the time. I keep wanting there to be Parenting police that do a real job, but I know logistically that is nearly impossible.