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Friday Yuk

By heml0ck ·
ok, i've been busy the last few weeks, time to make up for it!

A young naval student was being rigorously tested orally by an old sea
captain.

Captain: "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on starboard?"
Student: "Throw out an anchor, sir."
Captain: "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir."
Captain: "Suppose another horrendous storm sprang up forward, what
would you do?
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir.
Captain: "Hold on. Where are you getting all those anchors from?
Student: "From the same place you are getting your storms, sir."

******

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing,
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches!"

******

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

******

SR-71 Pilots
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as
Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other
aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a
Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the
response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I
was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar
click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were
both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show
1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

******

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 0 (60,000ft.) The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't
plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..." He was cleared...

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Supervisor Quotes

by Tig2 In reply to Friday Yuk

Old but always worth a read...

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

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i guess we're having a slow start to Friday..

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby
who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually
plotted their mischief. Finally, he said, "We are in BIG trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!!"

edit for formatting

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Tragedy in Eastern Canada

by OnTheRopes In reply to Friday Yuk

Gander NLFD (CP) Canada?s worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the evening.

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ROFL!!

by heml0ck In reply to [b]Tragedy in Eastern Can ...

another east coast canada joke:

War broke out between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia yesterday over lobster fishing rights on the Grand Banks.
News reports Newfie militia throwing hand grenades at the Nova Scotians, and the Nova Scotians pulling the pins and throwing them back....

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Oh, man

by rob mekel In reply to ROFL!!

what is it with these Newfie's and Nova Scotians, They look like the Scottish and the English or the Belgians and the Dutch for that matter.

----
2 men are sitting in a Bar, talking about space travelling.
- "We, Americans, can easily fly to the planet Mars."
- "We, Belgians, can easily fly to the Sun."
- "To the sun??? But the Sun ... is much too hot!"
- "That's why we go by night."

----
You know you've been in Belgium too long when...

1. You always stop your car for traffic from even the tiniest little road from the right.
2. You consider breaking the speed limit normal, and honk and flash at people who don't.
3. If you have had less than 10 beers you drive your car home, but you still don't indicate when turning or respect the speed limit.
4. If you have a car, you consider any other means of transportation slightly suspicious.
5. You know the names of at least 10 different sauces for chips.
6. You catch yourself ordering a "Supplement Frites" with every single dish you have in any kind of restaurant.
7. You give other foreigners lectures on the difference between fake and real monastery-produced beer.
8. You don't drink the last two centilitres of a Westmalle trippel.
9. You never wear any colour brighter than dark green. You automatically assume anyone who does is either:
a. Dutch
b. Scandinavian
c. American or
d. Extremely childish or rude
10. Just one day without rain even in July and August can make you happy.
11. On Saturday morning and Sunday evening of any sunny summer-weekend you accept spending more than three hours stuck in traffic jams on motorways in order to get to and from 100 km's of coastline that are completely cramped with high-risers 20 meters from the beach.
12. You don't mind that bouncers have to be given at least 20 francs when you leave a disco as a bribe for letting you get in next time.
13. You consider it normal that even the train to and from the airport has announcements in both Dutch and French, but not in English. You don't react when all the foreigners storm out of the train at the announcement of Brussels North when coming from the airport.
14. You do all your grocery shopping in either GB or Delhaize, and you don't understand anyone who shops in the other supermarket chain.
15. You consider it normal to go out to a restaurant at least five times per week.
16. You think it is logical that shops are closed Sundays and evenings, but buy the booze you consume in night-shops between 4 and 5 AM Sunday morning.
17. You use and understand abbreviations like NMBS/SNCB, MIVB/STIB and SMAP/OMOB.
18. You only buy the most up-market chocolate brands, and feel sorry for the geeks who buy "white products".
19. You start going to Quick instead of McDonalds and you have actually tasted the Quick Bearnaise Burger.
20. You think it looks nice when the type of pavement tiles in front of each house are different, and you don't mind falling over lopsided tiles occasionally.
21. You take dog-**** on the pavement as just another challenge on you daily walks.
22. You keep three colours of bin-bags for different kinds of waste, and remember which days to put out which kind of bag on the pavement in front of your house.
23. You don't mind when most streets are full of bags that have been put out on the wrong day, not even in the summer when the combination of the sun and intrepid dogs makes it a very interesting experience.
24. You automatically assume that everyone else speaks at least three languages, but refuse to speak more than one yourself.
25. You have given up on any sensible political discussion on the language divide in general and the Brussels Capital Region and the future of Belgium in particular.
26. You consider politicians and the police worse than criminals, with the possible exception of paedophiles.
27. You consider it perfectly normal when the names of towns on road signs change from French to Dutch and vice versa every 5 or 10 kilometres of motorway.
28. You have understood that the hassle of monthly visits to the municipality to obtain papers or residence permits is reserved for recently arrived foreigners who move every 6 months, and you therefore don't complain over your own annual visit where you wait in line for an hour or two.

----
Q: - What sign do they put on the bottom of Belgian swimming pools?
A: - "No smoking".

----
Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout".

----
A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
- 'My first wish' the Belgian said, 'is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.'
And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.
- 'What is your second wish ?', the dwarf asked.
- The Belgian replied: 'I want another bottle' !

----
Forgive me Father...
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

----

Well all, have a great weekend. :)

Rob

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well...

by heml0ck In reply to Oh, man

the heritage of Newfoundland is Irish, and the heritage of Nova Scotia is Scottish.... Coincidence? I think not!

Speaking of Scottish...

Do you know how copper wire was invented?

It was invented by two Scotsmen arguing over a penny!

******

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How do you ..

by thefrown In reply to well...

Get a 50 pence piece out of a Scotsman's hand?


With a 7-sided spanner

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A Newfie tragedy.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to well...

The captain of the good ship Rub-a-dub-dub died and it was decided to bury him at sea. Eight men were lost trying to dig the grave.

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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts???

by sleepin'dawg In reply to well...

Sheep get nervous when they hear a zipper.

Dawg ]:)

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Oh Dawg!!!!!

by j.lupo In reply to Why do Scotsmen wear kilt ...

What does the zipper remind them of? Sheers

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