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Friday Yuk

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by heml0ck

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ok, i've been busy the last few weeks, time to make up for it!

A young naval student was being rigorously tested orally by an old sea
captain.

Captain: "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on starboard?"
Student: "Throw out an anchor, sir."
Captain: "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir."
Captain: "Suppose another horrendous storm sprang up forward, what
would you do?
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir.
Captain: "Hold on. Where are you getting all those anchors from?
Student: "From the same place you are getting your storms, sir."

******

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing,
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches!"

******

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever
heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

******

SR-71 Pilots
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as
Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other
aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a
Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the
response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I
was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar
click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were
both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show
1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

******

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 0 (60,000ft.) The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't
plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it..." He was cleared...

75 replies

by tig2

Old but always worth a read...

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

by heml0ck

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby
who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually
plotted their mischief. Finally, he said, "We are in BIG trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!!"

edit for formatting

by ontheropes

[i]Gander NLFD (CP)[/i] Canada?s worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the evening.

by heml0ck

another east coast canada joke:

War broke out between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia yesterday over lobster fishing rights on the Grand Banks.
News reports Newfie militia throwing hand grenades at the Nova Scotians, and the Nova Scotians pulling the pins and throwing them back....

by rob mekel

what is it with these Newfie's and Nova Scotians, They look like the Scottish and the English or the Belgians and the Dutch for that matter.

----
2 men are sitting in a Bar, talking about space travelling.
- "We, Americans, can easily fly to the planet Mars."
- "We, Belgians, can easily fly to the Sun."
- "To the sun??? But the Sun ... is much too hot!"
- "That's why we go by night."

----
You know you've been in Belgium too long when...

1. You always stop your car for traffic from even the tiniest little road from the right.
2. You consider breaking the speed limit normal, and honk and flash at people who don't.
3. If you have had less than 10 beers you drive your car home, but you still don't indicate when turning or respect the speed limit.
4. If you have a car, you consider any other means of transportation slightly suspicious.
5. You know the names of at least 10 different sauces for chips.
6. You catch yourself ordering a "Supplement Frites" with every single dish you have in any kind of restaurant.
7. You give other foreigners lectures on the difference between fake and real monastery-produced beer.
8. You don't drink the last two centilitres of a Westmalle trippel.
9. You never wear any colour brighter than dark green. You automatically assume anyone who does is either:
a. Dutch
b. Scandinavian
c. American or
d. Extremely childish or rude
10. Just one day without rain even in July and August can make you happy.
11. On Saturday morning and Sunday evening of any sunny summer-weekend you accept spending more than three hours stuck in traffic jams on motorways in order to get to and from 100 km's of coastline that are completely cramped with high-risers 20 meters from the beach.
12. You don't mind that bouncers have to be given at least 20 francs when you leave a disco as a bribe for letting you get in next time.
13. You consider it normal that even the train to and from the airport has announcements in both Dutch and French, but not in English. You don't react when all the foreigners storm out of the train at the announcement of Brussels North when coming from the airport.
14. You do all your grocery shopping in either GB or Delhaize, and you don't understand anyone who shops in the other supermarket chain.
15. You consider it normal to go out to a restaurant at least five times per week.
16. You think it is logical that shops are closed Sundays and evenings, but buy the booze you consume in night-shops between 4 and 5 AM Sunday morning.
17. You use and understand abbreviations like NMBS/SNCB, MIVB/STIB and SMAP/OMOB.
18. You only buy the most up-market chocolate brands, and feel sorry for the geeks who buy "white products".
19. You start going to Quick instead of McDonalds and you have actually tasted the Quick Bearnaise Burger.
20. You think it looks nice when the type of pavement tiles in front of each house are different, and you don't mind falling over lopsided tiles occasionally.
21. You take dog-shit on the pavement as just another challenge on you daily walks.
22. You keep three colours of bin-bags for different kinds of waste, and remember which days to put out which kind of bag on the pavement in front of your house.
23. You don't mind when most streets are full of bags that have been put out on the wrong day, not even in the summer when the combination of the sun and intrepid dogs makes it a very interesting experience.
24. You automatically assume that everyone else speaks at least three languages, but refuse to speak more than one yourself.
25. You have given up on any sensible political discussion on the language divide in general and the Brussels Capital Region and the future of Belgium in particular.
26. You consider politicians and the police worse than criminals, with the possible exception of paedophiles.
27. You consider it perfectly normal when the names of towns on road signs change from French to Dutch and vice versa every 5 or 10 kilometres of motorway.
28. You have understood that the hassle of monthly visits to the municipality to obtain papers or residence permits is reserved for recently arrived foreigners who move every 6 months, and you therefore don't complain over your own annual visit where you wait in line for an hour or two.

----
Q: - What sign do they put on the bottom of Belgian swimming pools?
A: - "No smoking".

----
Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout".

----
A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
- 'My first wish' the Belgian said, 'is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.'
And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.
- 'What is your second wish ?', the dwarf asked.
- The Belgian replied: 'I want another bottle' !

----
Forgive me Father...
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

----

Well all, have a great weekend. :)

Rob

by maecuff

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. It only wastes time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving Chinese martial arts fighters. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

by hal 9000

Or you've forgotten the [b]Pink Panther Movies[/b] where the Chief of Police doesn't suspend or sack his Best Inspector he tries to kill him unsuccessfully and always ends up with the blame for the crime. :^0

Col ]:)

by heml0ck

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

by deadly ernest

Reactivate broadband or dial-up connection that went down. NB - This may not work if you are in the middle of a power outage unless you were smart enough to install a decent UPS on your computer and the connection device. :p

by heml0ck

the heritage of Newfoundland is Irish, and the heritage of Nova Scotia is Scottish.... Coincidence? I think not!

Speaking of Scottish...

Do you know how copper wire was invented?

It was invented by two Scotsmen arguing over a penny!

******

by sleepin'dawg

The captain of the good ship Rub-a-dub-dub died and it was decided to bury him at sea. Eight men were lost trying to dig the grave.

by ontheropes

Directions to my house. Go East.
http://tinyurl.com/zjuyl

Guns are tools
http://tinyurl.com/gpo3l

I was just thinking
http://tinyurl.com/hcq2w

NASCAR is really popular. What is NASCAR? It?s a car racing sport invented in the southern states of the US. It got the name from people saying, ?that?s a real nas' car you got there buddy.?
http://tinyurl.com/n5qv4

https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5100-10877-6091119.html?tag=fdnew

Be safe.
http://tinyurl.com/ocxqr
Note to Hal: Check the pix name.

edited to add TR NASCAR link

by tig2

Those are great! Mind if I... um... borrow them?

I especially like "Guns are Tools". Wonder where I can get that particular tool?

by oz_media

Go south, you'll find some 'tool' carrying one to protect his precious yard from the neighbourhood kid's soccer ball.

by hal 9000

Our [b]Japanese Work Boots[/b] don't need steal toe caps because we are fast enough to get our feet out of the way before anything goes wrong. :p

So all I can say heres is [b]You're BUSTED[/b] :D

Col ]:)

by ontheropes

but I have sometimes thought I should change my alias to AlwaysBusted. I'm not going to do it but I think about it.

Flatbusted... maybe.

The name on that pic was how I found it BTW. For some reason you came to mind.

by bubba69

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

by heml0ck

I was faced with a difficult decision recently and asked my friends what I should do. This is what I got...

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword.

Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The nail that sticks out gets hammered.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry.

Now what do I do???

by bubba69

Signs it's time to go home...

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your fifth grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like ten times by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

by mickster269

You know your missile sucks when... it stays airborne for only slightly longer than an Oscar thank-you speech

You know your missile sucks when... the U.N. Security Council pencils in a meeting on the test-firing for after Christmas vacation

You know your missile sucks when... Takeru Kobayashi eats one after downing 53 3/4 hot dogs

You know your missile sucks when... the most the White House will call you is "provocative" (come on, so was Monica)

You know your missile sucks when... it's harder to get off the ocean floor than a Russian sub

You know your missile sucks when... wannabe-grandiose statesman Moammar Gadhafi is more interested in writing essays on the World Cup than bloviating on your missile proliferation

You know your missile sucks when... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn't even interested in being your friend

You know your missile sucks when... people stop keeping count of test-firings (but the Mexican leftist still demands a recount)

You know your missile sucks when... Hamas has better aim with their "MacGyver"-meets-"Monster Garage" rocket concoction

You know your missile sucks when... the European Union has reworded the test-firing as a "spontaneous sparky display"

You know your missile sucks when... you have to shoot them off on a fireworks day just to get some damn attention

You know your missile sucks when... Trey Parker and Matt Stone just can't resist making a sequel (hey, I can dream)

You know your missile sucks when... your own official news agency finds the story less exciting than "Kim Jong Il Gives On-Site Guidance to New Pyongyang Taesong Tyre Factory"

by gsteve

I don't get it. Either:
1. I'm too naive to understand this joke,
2. It is way too late on a friday afternoon, or
3. All of the above

Could someone fill me in, here? :)

by jaqui

even for sadistic, twisted, evil, mean and nasty me,
that one went to far. :(

by onbliss

"What's the moral of the Gates story?"
"That we should do charity?"
"No. You should first gross a few billions."

by tig2

My minister during a sermon said "And what are the wages of sin?" And without thinking I said in a clearly heard voice, "About $5 million if you do it right!"

THAT'S what I get for actually listening to the sermon!

But I'm right...

by hal 9000

She went to a private Catholic School. She would hold her fellow students in aware of her behaviour which left a lot to be desired or so I was told by her sister before her death.

Some of the things that she did when she was younger make me even look staid and a [b]Pillar of Society.[/b] There was the time that she did her take on the Last Supper while taking off the Head Nun of the school unfortunately for her the Nun in question arrived while she was doing the act and watched over the majority of it. She appeared to take offence when my mother held up a soft drink bottle and said [b]This is My Blood Drink It[/b] and then proceeded to attempt to drown at least one of her fellow students with the drink by holding the bottle in her mouth and just tipping it up with the poor girls nose clamped shut. :^0

Then on her final exam paper she answered the question that went something like this [b]What was said to Thomas A Becket when he was up the flagpole to get him to come down to his death?[/b] her answer that I actually have filled here somewhere was [b]Come Down you Gutless Bastard.[/b] :D

She still holds the record for getting the fastest service in the local butchers shop by ridding a push bike without brakes down Castle Hill in Townsville and running through the butchers shop and I don't mean through the doors either. ;)

She used to drive her sister crazy but what made it even worse was that every time her sister complained to their mother the mother would just burst out laughing and roll around the floor in fits of giggles. Back in those days her parents ran a sheep property and my mother stayed with her sister in town to go to school. Her sister was a Real [b]Pillar of the Community[/b] and was constantly horrified by my mothers actions. What can I say some of it rubbed off on me? ;\

Col ]:)

by oz_media

Right befor eI decided to go for a lunchtime wander, I was reading an article on how they use dead pigs, horses, dogs, old newspapers, and sawdust to feed cows and fatten them up. Kinda made me have a veggie lunch that one did. :)

by ontheropes

I've been to a few of the largest slaughterhouses in the US. Makes you feel the same way.

I remember one in North Carolina, in the middle of the night, during a lightning storm when I came upon a pile of huge hogs that died during transport. That was a bizarre scene. No surprise that you can't take any camera's on the property.

Right now it kind of makes me want a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich though.

edit:http://tinyurl.com/fpon2 and http://tinyurl.com/hfr7n

by deadly ernest

are declared pests and in plague proportions in many areas. Even the areas where they are kept by wildlife experts (and Stever Erwin is NOT a wildlife expert) they are frequently culled so that over breeding does NOT destroy the habitat and cause them all to starve.

Kangaroo hunting is extremely well controlled and tightly licenced - when the carcases and hids are used for commercial purposes there are even tighter controls on their 'harvesting' and checks before they can be approved for use.

The people who prepared that web site have no idea of what they are like in the wild, let alone in their natural habitat. And the nearest Steve Erwin ever got to a wild roo was watching bound about in the distance when his film crew pulled up to a spot to get ready for something.

Many of the smaller roos and wallabies are heavily protected by law and the wildlife experts - the same ones who cull the others.

Roos are almost as bad as rabbits in the damage that they do to the environment.

by ontheropes

I actually though they'd use the meat for pet food. Maybe they do. Thanks for the rest of the story.

In the US west they round up wild horses for pet food or at least they did. I don't know if there are even any horses left.

Oz is right too actually. There are some places here where violence, the KKK and racism is still very much alive. Most of the time you don't even have to leave town to see racists, of any color.

edit: I always end up posting stuff in the Yuk that's not funny. I ought to just stay out of it.

by cubeslave

I went to a restaurant that served roo. As I recall, at least when cooked the way I had it, they can be mighty tasty.

by deadly ernest

the health regs and testing for human consumption they get more money that way. We sell more Kangaroo meat for overseas human consumption than we do for local human consumption. It is quite tasty and a different to beef. BTW the USA is the biggest customer, in overall and per capita terms, for roo meat for people.

On large sheep and cattle properties they often hunt kangaroos when the numbers get to excessive and they invite friends and relatives to visit to help in the hunt (if they know enough about the safe care of firearms) and the usual finish is to cook the more tasty parts of a roo over a burning log (just set fire to any fallen dead tree) - this is especial so in winter where the hunters will stand or sqat around a large burning log with a makeshift spit cooking some roo over the fire.

What gets me about those people who put up websites like the one you linked to, is that they never get out into the farmlands or the wilderness to have a close look at what is happening in real life. It reminds of the time about 15 years ago when some animal rights activists got some state governments to pass laws making the use of 'exotic' animals in circuses unlawful. No more lions, tigers, etc (some how elephants and camels and horses were allowed).

Most of the animals the cicuses used had been born and bred in captivity for generations, they could not live in the wild. Most of the circuses had to suddenly get rid of such animals. Where they could they passed them onto zoos (where the animals lived a life of lower quality) but only so many could be dealt with that way. One big group of circuses created their own zoo, they had enough animals to do that. But about 55% of the exotic animals had to be killed as the circuses could no longer use them to earn money and they had no place to keep them or reason to keep them - thus they were shot. Then the animal rights people went really crazy about the indiscriminate killing of all those animals - what did the stupid fools think would happen to them.

The real funny thing was that one restaurant padi some of the circuses to have the animals checked and slaughted properly and then made a fortune selling exotic animal meats to people, they even took time to thank the animal rights people for making the special line available. :p

by hal 9000

Is portrayed overseas by people who know no better. What they don't understand is that by opening up the country and introducing artificial water holes this allowed the Roo population to explode. So since white settlement the Roo population has greatly expanded generally out of control. What many don't realise is that a Female Roo is pregnant with the next one before the first Joe comes out and that they can control their fertility and effectively place the embryo into status if there is no water. Once the water returns the population increases again.

The greys and Reds are no where close to becoming endangered at one sheep property they where actually cunning little Bar stewards as they would jump the fence and graze on the improved pasture and the moment that anyone came down they would retreat to the National Park the other side of the fence. I've seen numerous examples of this and having spend long periods of my life working on Sheep Stations I can tell you it's not all that easy so shoot a Roo they move quickly and can change direction at an unbelievable rate.

Some of the smaller Wallabies are heavily protected ones like the Bush Tail Wallaby but generally speaking they are restricted to certain regions and do not just jump around the countryside. The problems there is that with the Bush Management the small areas are no longer being burnt off so that when there is a fire it's extreme and does a lot more damage than what several little controlled fires would have done over a 10 year period it just wipes out everything in it's path.

I got an extremely good laugh out of one bunch of Animal Protectors who came here they drove the Bruce Highway between Cairns and Brisbane and about every 300 meters there was a dead Roo that had been hit by a car. The place actually stunk quite badly and they where stopping and photographing every dead Roo till they hit one and then forgot about what they where there for and tried to limp into the nearest town for repairs. It was a good season that year so there where lots of Roos around.

Here some native animals are farmed for their skins and meat so things like Roo, Possum and Crock are considered as delicacies in the upper class restraints where very small portions will be served up and talked endlessly about. The meat aint cheap and as I know a chief I get a lot of Left Overs where the meat is not legal to sell but is still perfectly good to eat.

The really idiot thing is that Roo meat is lean with no or very little fat on it so it's much better for human consumption than Beef though you need to cook it differently but when cooked properly it's very nice to eat along with the Possum, Crock and Snake although very little of this meat ends up on Australian Tables most is exported to Asia and the US and things like the crock skins to Europe where they become very expensive shoes and handbags.

Col

by deadly ernest

Ive heard of a number of instances where live gunnery shoots were being carried out when roos had wandered on to the range and into the target area - this happens more often at ranges that are infrequently used. The officer incharge orders the guns to wait a moment, then when he feels tha roos are in the right spot opens fire and then has different guns try to track and deal with individual roos as they scatter. Kind of adds to the reality of target practice.

I'm not sure how true the stories are, or if their 'urban legends'. But I can well imagine plenty of Army people using roos as live targets if the opportunity arose.

As a general rule when farmers and the like go roo hunting they tend to go in groups using 12 guage shot guns hunting on foot; while professional roo hunters use .303 rifles and similar heavy caliber weapons to hunt them from the backs of vehicles like utes, 1 tonne trucks and open back land drovers etc.

by ontheropes

I?m on record here at TR as being a non-hunter but I don?t believe I ever said that I don?t find it necessary to kill occasionally. If it needs to be done I?m highly in favor of killing wild and domestic creatures as quickly and humanely as possible. I understand the need for elimination of pests and the occasional threatening predator and have had to take up my shotgun, rifle, hammer, knife and club to clean out a few. I learned a long time ago that some jobs require you to take no pleasure and feel no regret. It needed to be done so I did it and could do it again if needed. I just don?t [i]like[/i] having to do it.

Apparently you have some of your own groups of people dedicated to misguided efforts at [i]improving[/i] the environment. There appears to be a lot of money in that so good luck. Even if they disband they?ll just find another misinformed benefactor and sprout up someplace else.

I always thought Roo would be tasty. You can get Buffalo (Bison) meat here at a premium price because it's good and lean meat. I was wondering how accurate that websites statment was regarding the worst animal slaughter. I'll probably Google it and see how many Bison were killed just for their hides. Without looking, I'll bet that site is wrong.

by hal 9000

While Roo is a red meat it doesn't have the distinctive heavy flavour of most red meats but a fuller flavour than the white meats that are currently available.

While it tastes a bit like Chicken I would say that it's more like Snake but again it all depends on how it was prepared and cooked.

Col

by hal 9000

I'll place this one here as all the usual suspects are present. :D

For several years I've been looking for a copy of a song released here at the height of the [b]White Australia Policy[/b] called [b]Willy the Winging Pom.[/b] I've only ever heard it sung once and have been unable to find any reference to in on the net so I'm assuming it was a little known Australian Group/Artist who released it on an AU Label that has long since passed into obscurity.

I would imagine we are looking at the mid to late 50's or early 60's for this song. If anyone has ever heard of it can they drop me a Peer Mail [b]Please?[/b]

Col

by Member 25348569

Having had you call me one, I don't know why I'm helping you! I've found some references under "Will the Whinging Pom" and "Willie the Whinging Pom" and the artist seems to be Ted Egan. Being a "whinging pom", I know how to spell it!

There's a CD called "The Land Downunder" which seems to be available. I don't know if this is the one you're after but it looks promising.

Neil :D

by ontheropes

Ted Egan - The Land Downunder - Disc 2
1 Granny
2 The Bush Woman
3 Alyandabu
4 Drought
5 Marsupial Joe
6 The Anzacs
7 Greater Love Than This
8 Wells of Beersheba
9 A Song for Grace
10 The Union Way
11 The Tiger and The Don
12 Willy the Whinging Pom
13 I've Been Everywhere, Ma'am
14 She's Australian
15 This Land Australia

http://www.tedegan.com.au/news.htm &
http://www.muster.com.au/ezimercpro/Build2623/prod274.htm

Spelling seems to make a difference when using Google. Weird how that is.

by hal 9000

I haven't been able to find out any information about this song at all I've only ever heard it once and that was a very long time ago well over 35 years now so I'm getting really old now. :D

Strange thing someone has ordered a copy and it's will be arriving this week. Now if only I could get a copy of Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen Lost in the Ozone on CD and not run the risk of damaging my Original Master Vinyl Records. Naturally I want the uncut one just like my vinyls. :^0

Cheers

Col

by hal 9000

And to prevent any problems I've had it addressed to [b]SWMBO[/b] as a present now all I'll have to do is work out what I've done wrong to have to buy her a present. :D

Col ]:)

by tig2

Hadn't read all the way through or I'd have know that.

Just in from a VERY long training walk and not really using the last living brain cell.

I would be thinking very seriously about your Vodka IV concept here but I have to get up early tomorrow and walk some more. 17 miles today, 13 tomorrow.

I need more ibuprophen. And another martini!

Edited because I can't spell just now either...

by hal 9000

The idea of a Vodka IV sounds really good to me right now as well. I tried it with Scotch once but I got strange looks as everyone thought that I was injecting Urine into my system seems if it [b]Aint a Clear Liquid you get really strange looks[/b] I wonder what they would make of me using some Liquors like that Blue stuff that tastes so nice and stains your entire mouth blue. Any ideas on that one? :^0

But it's really hard to just buy something for [b]SHMBO[/b] as every time I buy her something without a reason her first response is [b]What have you done wrong now![/b] :(

She's already grown to accept me not remembering her birthday as there are a couple in June on the 10, 12, 14, & 16 I know that those days are someones birthday but I just can't remember who's. There is My son, My Wife and My Sister in that lot and as an excuse [b]I forget all about my own birthday so how can I be expected to remember others?[/b] :|

The only birthday that I really remember is my Mothers and that's only because I had to study Shakespeare's Julius Cesar and the [b]Ides Of March[/b] just stuck in my head but even then I tend to remember late at night well after my mother has gone to bed. ;)

I just ask [b]Is it on the Computer?[/b] and if the answer is no then what hope do I have? ?:|

Incidentally have you noticed that I haven't thanked Neil? I did that deliberately so he has something new to complain about it will make him happy. :D

Col ]:)

by ontheropes

I couldn't believe my eyes
http://www.commandercody.com/

http://tinyurl.com/g7a2m Commander Cody's most recent pic.

"Son you're going to die from your drinkin' if you don't stop drivin' that hotrod Lincoln" tawang

Have to use Internet Exploder for the link below:
Lower price.

http://tinyurl.com/g9ov9

edit: You may have to use Exploder to buy/download. We've bought downloads before with no trouble. If you download, backup your licenses and burn the music to CD as soon as you can, just in case.

by hal 9000

There where two distinct versions of [b]Hot Rod Lincoln[/b] one for the radio and the uncut one where he has a heap of Coke in the boot several pounds of Grass in the Glove box and 17 illegal immigrant workers in the car which he is bringing in. ;)

On the over the counter record it has the Radio Version but on the Original Master Pressing it has the uncut version. I'll leave you to guess which version I want to have on anything but My Original Master Pressing. :D

Maybe I'll just have to transfer it from the vinyl to the computer I used to do that quite a lot when I was using some of the earlier versions of Easy CD Creator with Spin Doctor but I haven't tried doing it with Nero. :p

I suppose that will give me an excuse to make up another XP Box and load it with Roxio Easy CD Creator though, I already have a turntable and pre amp in this lab so it shouldn't be a big deal to do. I'll just have to get the time. :(

Col ]:)

by ontheropes

I just put the headphones on to listen closer. Screwed up the lyrics too, "drive me to drinking". I find myself saying "what?" a lot more often now and sometimes can't remember sh..! You know. Sux.

My brain finally moved off of idle. I do remember the one you're talking about. It dawned on me 15 minutes ago that you were looking for the uncut version. I don't have it and haven't found a source, yet.

If you rip it, listen closely for ground loop feedback, noticeable as a low hum when the score goes to a pianissimo passage. (Spell [i]that[/i] right after a couple three-four beers why doncha? Same boat, different waters as Tigger right now. :) She wore me out just thinking about it.)

If you get feedback I have a link for a device to match impedance.

edit: spelling

by hal 9000

Earth Loops.

That's where one device uses connection lines to return to earth so you get a nice little Hum going. I learnt that a very long time ago when I used to drive a sound board for a very young AC DC. Luckily all my sound hardware is earthed and they even have earth leads from different units like a turntable to the preamp. :p

Oh I've just remembered another thing that I use that allows me to hate everything US according to Maxwell [b]AR Speakers[/b] they like Snap On tools aint cheap but they are certainly good. :x

OK I'll rip the song to MP3 and post it if you want a copy. The Original Master Pressing is the only time that I've ever heard the uncut version as well and I don't want to run the risk of damaging those records so I guess that I'll have to save it to th HDD and rip away. ;)

Actually I don't know what worse being worried about damaging a piece of Vinyl or the Moving Coil Pickup both will be very hard to replace and I've already lost one Open Reel Tape Player when one of those [b]Cheap Nasty[/b] Ampex Tapes broke and took out the capstan motor. Even the suppliers in Japan couldn't repair it but they only had it for 6 months. Apparently all the circuitry for the Capstan Motor is burning out every time that they repair it along with replacing the Capstan Motor. I currently have 5 new Capstan motors and a whole heap of destroyed Resistors and the like from the control board. Of course that stuff is no longer made so it's very hard to get a replacement unit. I haven't even seen one listed on E-Bay so I could buy a replacement one. :(

Now I'm wondering why I brought all those spare parts like replacement Heads and motors when I should have been buying the Circuit Boards. But anyone can have 20 20 hindsight. B-)

Col ]:)

by ontheropes

of the road-signs for the Highway to Hell.

?Apparently all the circuitry for the Capstan Motor is burning out?? What brand, make and Model no. is your unit? I?m thinking diodes but if the ?pros? couldn?t fix it I probably wouldn?t be able to either. I might be able to find parts for you to fix it though. It could be ?fun? to put an o-scope on it too to see what?s really happening.

Would I like an uncut copy from Commander Cody? If you're outdoors a few hours from now you?re liable to hear a faint ?hell yeah? coming from this direction.

I?m still working on my music collection. I have to have more than one thing going during this downtime to keep from going crazier. Right now I have 30,912 high-quality .mp3?s in 2,637 albums all ripped from the original CD?s by myself. I have the originals too but seldom play them anymore now that my network is hooked up to everything.

I think I get bored far too easily for my own good. I usually surf and/or work with 3 different pc's at the same time and I'll tell you something, if you won't tell anyone else... I have my cell phone on my desktop too and every once in awhile I'll find myself wondering why my stoopid mouse quit working.

How hard would it really be to turn a cell-phone into a wireless mouse so you don't look stoopid when your wife is watching you? She never buys my, "I did that on purpose", stories anymore and always seems to recall those types of incidents whenever it's convenient for her.

by j.lupo

It is so true that it isn't even funny. I see this more and more. It just amazes me how companies somehow stay in business following such practices.

by hal 9000

I actually have all the Schematics for it as well, I suppose it shows just how lazy I'm getting by not even looking I just sent it away to be repaired. Originally it went to Sydney then on to Melbourne and then Japan according to the paperwork inside it and they sent it back to me straight from Japan, which had me concerned if they couldn't fix it what hope did anyone else have?

Currently there is a [b]Big Hole in the Rack[/b] as all that stuff was rack mounted which also helped earthing no end as everything was bolted to a metal front frame so it was effectively all one piece from an electrical point of view.

Col ]:)

by tig2

I am one of those people that just can't take some of that stuff too seriously. I understood from the outset the message that my minister was trying to get across. What he forgot is that we live in THIS world, not a perfect one. And while the wages of sin are death, in THIS world, it's $5 Mil or so.

I love the answer to "What was said to Thomas Becket". Mostly because someone present likely DID say that very thing or words to that effect.

We take ourselves too darned seriously sometimes.

I am starting fundraising ideas for the 2007 3-Day Walk. As with this year, I will be required to raise a minimum of funds- usually around $2000. My goal is higher than the minimum so I don't worry about it. Anyway, I decided to leverage Halloween. In the US, kids dress up and go door to door asking for candy. My partner and I will dress up, and take a bag of candy door to door and ask for donations to the 3-Day. We will likely get a lot of doors slammed but I think that the idea of "reverse Trick or Treat" is well worth pursuing. It will be fun to see the looks on people's faces, anyway.

I was also the one that came up with "Survivor Wet Tee-shirt" as a fund-raiser. Got that one from you! If we do it, I'll post photos...

Edited because I really NEED a spell checker!

by hal 9000

As you asked so nicely and it's [b]Breast Cancer Awareness Week[/b] here anyway I've changed my Avatar, I'm supposing this is the right one & time OK. :p

As for my mother if you want her I'll give her to you. She a little Older now but not much saner. I recently brought her a new Digital Photocopier one of the Canon Image Runner Series and somehow she managed to get a Black toner cartridge forced in the wrong way. I don't know how she managed this without breaking anything but at 12.00 on a Saturday Night when 40,000 pages have to be finished by the following day I was faced with either pulling it apart to get the Toner Cartridge out or call the Head of the Service Department a friend I chose the former as I didn't want to disturb a friend with my Problem Mother. :D

Then she told me that her E-Mail wasn't working which I got a good laugh out of as she never goes near the computer and hasn't worked out that it can drive the Canon IR 3300 as a printer and a much better one than any of the others that I've given her. So I took a look and found that the e-mail was last cleared on the 25-6-05 only 678 incoming E-Mails I really don't know what the problem was as I tried to use it the way that she would and open OE and then click on Send Receive it brought up the Dial up box quite happily and downloaded everything. I suppose the trick was to plug the modem back in here as she had unplugged it during a thunder storm and seemed to forget that it needed to be plugged back in. :)

Then one of my nephews hit me with being able to use the Internet so I got him setup on the Pok?mon site and let him play to his hearts content. Nonna and my sister told me that I could leave the 7 year old there as he would quite happily play away but I just said that I'll watch to which they both laughed and walked away. Apparently she leaves the kids on this site all the time and has never actually looked at it. I not only opened up the site but looked through it first before allowing the young boy access and I only stayed there because there is a [b]Chat Room[/b] on the site. When I brought this up latter I got a blank look with a [b]So What?[/b] So I described some of the dangers of Chat Rooms and the look of horror on both their faces was astounding. Currently I'm organising to have all my sisters children taken into care and my mother locked away in an old peoples home where they are tied to the bed and never allowed up. :|

But having her in the US would almost be as good! :p

That way I just might get some piece and quite maybe! My nephews seem to think that I can fix anything and they drive their father crazy by telling him in no uncertain terms when he breaks something [b]Quick Call Uncle Colin[/b] I wonder how it makes him feel? It must be so nice to have your own children think so much of your ability to repair things. ;)

Col ]:)

by tig2

Sounds like your mother keeps you on your toes!

I understand the harsh reality of having a family that is clueless about computers. I live 1800 miles away from my family and for the longest time they thought I could do computer repair from a distance. Not so good. My favourite was the email to tell me that email wasn't working properly.

I used to be hardware support for a Medical Insurance company with multiple sites in a campus environment. On Fridays we were allowed to wear casual clothes. I have a tee-shirt I used to wear every Friday. It says "No, I will not fix your computer". Perhaps I should send you one...

I can't believe that there are still people who don't understand the dangers of Internet chat rooms. How could you NOT understand? But as I am frequently remminded, I shouldn't expect others to know what I know. Fortunately, they have you to point out such things.

Let your Mother continue as she is. You lock her away and she will just organise a revolt, overthrow the home and come back to you with all the other folks from the home. You don't want that kind of headache, do you???

by hal 9000

But you don't need to threaten me to get your point across. :^0

So it looks like the US it is. I'll wrap her up in plastic bubble wrap and send her surface mail. :D

You should receive her in about 4 to 5 months though she may smell a little off by them. I'm constantly told by her just how demeaning I am. Actually her exact words are [b]You are an Insulting Little Bastard you Know![/b] What can I say she taught me how to behave and when I say that she just shakes her head and walks away. :)

Col ]:)

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