Friday Yuk

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a roadhouse on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.

On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.

He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. ?Are you a nerd?? the bartender asks. ?No, I'm a truck driver,? he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, jdclyde walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. ?What the hell did you do that for!?? asks the trucker. ?Well,? the bartender answers, ?It's nerd season.?

?Nerd season?? asks the trucker, confused.

"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season.? So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

As he drives, the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. He swerves too hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see GG, Sttargazer, Rob, , JamesRL, jck (remember him?), Max, Old Guy, Col (twice) and other nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, ?STOP! STOP!?

?What?? the trucker asks, confused, ?I thought it was nerd season??

?Well yeah,? the officer answers, ?but you can't bait 'em!?

edit: Oh, and BflimFan was also among those attacking the bait :D

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1. Hold down the shift key.
2. Hit the 4 key four times.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed...

..oh wait, he does.

--------------------

For real oldies (like me) - Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because oct31=dec25.

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Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer

12. "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11. "This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

10. "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."

9. "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8. "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

7. "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they always win them."

6. "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

5. "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

4. "A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3. "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family... Prepare to die!"

2. "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

1. "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

-----------------

A couple of Haiku

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

-----------------

Have a good weekend, all. The temperature here is 30C and I'm off to our Office Summer Event at a stately home garden in West London. Once I have listened to the CEO's speech, the rest of this afternoon and into the evening I will be forced to consume free beer, wine and food. There is a giant video screen set up for the World Cup match and free buses from the site to the nearby rail stations when I wish to stagger home. AND WE'RE ALL GETTING PAID AS USUAL!

And none of you can come. HA HA!

Neil :D

And that without a smiley :D ;)

looks you inherited some British "dry" humor. :)

Rob

I figure it's worth it.

Firesuit at the ready! :)

I was MIA all day yesterday (yes, I wasn't here. Too bad no one noticed! :( ) and so missed out. I was just starting to get some really good feedback too.

(Was a sick puppy. Still am, but made it into work today.)

You've been sick alot lately. You haven't been licking door knobs or anything have you? Because they are REALLY germy.

And yes..of course we missed you. We all got together and cried a little bit because you weren't here. Thank God, today is different. I don't think we could handle TWO days.

Hope you get to feeling better!

I was gone from TR for most of the spring. It's tough because when you're gone, you miss so much. I know that there were some wonderful flame wars that I would have enjoyed, and I feel deprived.

Even yesterday, I had a real busy morning and with the site problems, I didn't get my usual TR fix. Now I'm in the dark on the whole "fiancee" thread. I can only imagine what the Dawg must have posted!!!

So, 1) Ya gotta suck it up when you're sick and stay current, and B) we all miss your sparkling personality. Don't be a weenie next time!!!!!

With the site all SNAFU'd yesterday, y'all didn't miss much.

And DMambo, I could fill you in... but why? Although Dawg's post and the ensuing fur fly was amusing.

Me personally? Good riddance to bad rubbish- not sorry to see it go. Only downside was that Julian became VERY transparent- might have been instructive for any newcomer- illustrates personality...

Edited to add an "r"

Although the parts Julian had already posted were on the bizzar side, so I would be fearful to read anything that was worse than that.

Sorry, I don't buy into it being normal or healthy to find underprivilaged 20 year olds when your 65, regardless what Oz says. Instead of saying "Who's your daddy", "Who's your granpaw!" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

It would be a darn shame if you hijacked another one of his discussions so all could continue where we left off or should I say it would be a "faux pas".

Someone might have to explain this to JD.

1. The trouble with political jokes is sometimes they get elected.

2. A congressman is sleeping with his wife. (Surprise, surprise, it does happen) when she hears a noise from downstairs.
"Honey, there's a thief in the house".
He replies, "In the Senate, maybe, in the House, never!"

I never get sympathy from you! You usually just try to infect me with a worse earwig.

Drink a lot of water, take some vitamin C and eat chicken soup. I'm getting worried here.

what is that?

how about the headache and body aches?

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation.
He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies
left to hand out before my job is done.

Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God
obliged.

God looks at Eve and says - "Well, sorry Eve...but it looks
like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

----------------------------------------

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.

Boiled and rolled in sugar. You find it in the spice aisle generally, might require a trip to a specialty grocery store. Eat a chunk. Nausea will go away. Kills heartburn too.

The headache is an aspirin moment. And you are best off taking standard aspirin over acetaminophen or ibupropfen.

Body ache? Tiger Balm. Be careful with it as it is very strong. Your cat will not like you for awhile but that stuff WORKS. Make sure you wash your hands carefully after using and DO NOT get it near your face. You'll find Tiger Balm in just about any drug store.

Don't forget the scotch!

as it is my whole body that aches, including back and neck, I can't REACH most places!

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Edited out poor taste comment of getting help.... ;\

maybe hop in moms hot tub!

I usually am the one to drive us for our hour ride home, but not tonight. Plan on laying back and closing my eyes.

(damn, hard to type with numb fingers.....)

Thanks for the advice all! Think I will go work on the boss about letting me skip out early. I am of no value to anybody here in the condition I am in, and just increase the chances of others getting sick.

Oh yeah, one of the coworkers that was gone WEDNESDAY was because he had THIS flu! At least I know where I got it from. the dickweed. X-(

A young mother was walking with her 6 year old son and they took a shortcut through a cemetary. They passed a large monument on which an inscription read "Here lies John Brown a Lawyer and an Honest man."

The little boy looked at the inscription, then looked at his mother and said "I didn't know they could bury three people in one grave!"

What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker.

The other is a fish.
:)

if I recall correctly he wrote it.

EDIT : I WAS WRONG.

One of the guys who wrote it was Andy Kim (who by the way sounds alot like Neil Diamond) and another guy, Jeff Barry - Jeff did some writing with Neil Diamond. Jeff produced some Neil Diamond tunes for the Monkees - like I'm a Believer.

James

James

I can be charged anything for having it stuck in my head..but who knows.

Anyway, that reminds me of the time I had tickets to see Neil Young and had something come up and couldn't go. A girl I worked with said that she and her husband would love to go, so I gave her the tickets. I asked her the next morning how she liked the concert and she said it was just okay. Then she fessed up, she had confused Neil Young with Neil Diamond.

Now it's back.

I'm going to need tequila to get rid of this.

I hope you don't get what's been going around NY and Colorado (as far as I know). Kind of a flu/cold thing...sinuses, head, throat, chest. Very mucusie (is that a word?). Only plenty of rest and fluids will help. My hubby didn't rest and it took him two weeks to get over it. I got it from him, but I hit the "pity-sack" and got over it in 4 days.

I hope you don't have to work Monday and can enjoy the weekend and holiday! As for me, I'll see y'all on Wednesday morning bright and early...well...early anyway.

EDIT: to replace "only plenty of rest and fluids will help" with my wholehearted agreement to try TiggerTwo's remedy! Sounds great, (but without the ginger, honey and lemon.)

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a (edited) call center for computer problems.

Edited for addition: Hoping no offense is taken. English is a difficult language to learn...even Americans can't speak it very well (myself included).

It depends on which phase of his career he was in. I like the folkie phase, the CSNY phase, and the early rocker phase. But the pre-grunge rock disciple phase, me, not so fond.

In university I worked at a movie theatre showing midnight movies on Friday and Saturday nights as a security guard. Rust Never Sleeps, Neils concert movie played once a month or so for a while. Much better than watching the staple "Rocky Horror" for the 33rd time, the 34th time, the 35th time..Lets NOT do the time warp again, and say we did. My fav double bill was "Kids are all Right" and Quadrophenia", the Who movies.

James

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine,
I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine,
I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine,
I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine,
I walk the line

I didn't remember the lyrics for this one, I had to cheat and pull them from the 'net. I hope it helps! I WAS going to give you, "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town", but thought I would let you off the hook for this week. I hope next week goes much better for you than the past couple!!! And that it starts right now.

Me? I'm going to go home and watch Ocean's 11 again for the 20th time. So I'm set! Have a good one.

I missed Julians reply to me. Be a sport and fill me in. He did seem to be getting a trifle overwrought, the last time I looked. I don't see your writing as nasty, so much as it being pertinent to the subject. Now if you had called old Julian a paedophile or pervert as I've managed to do without commiting libel, then yes, that would be nasty nut not you. You're ever the lady.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

He re-posted his reply to you with some "enhancements" in the Copernicus thread. You have not only read his heavy handed horsesh*t, you have replied to it.

He managed to climb all the way to the top of my personal "S" list when he replied to a posting of mine in Max's Libertarian America thread by referring to my life as tragic. Proof that he reads through blinders, assuming he reads posts at all.

Sheesh. Some people!

Edited for typo

A Sophist is someone that makes a weak arguement look stronger.

Therefore, if someone is sophisticated, they are someone that is a perfect arguement for retroactive abortion on demand that is presenting that they are not. ]:)

editing to add:

yup, I would much rather be a sophist than sophisticated. :D
since the above defintions are an example of sophistry.

I keep a close watch on these cats of mine.
I keep my eyes on both cats all the time
When I say "stay", those cats obey
To save their hides, they stay inside.

They make their beds each day and comb their hair.
I line 'em up and march them down the stair
I look around, those cats are there.
Because they're mine, they toe the line

Or...

I hear those cats a comin'
Comin' 'cross the floor
Wearing great big fur coats
Weighing 30 pounds or more
But I gotta go to work now, at the factory...
Those cats just lie around here
And that's what bothers me.

If I could quit this factory
If I didn't have those beasts
I'd buy myself some fancy clothes
And hang out with artistes
But those cats are spoiled rotten
They're ungrateful too
And they lie around here sleeping
What can a poor boy do?

Credit to Garrison Keillor for the lyrics

You will never hear those songs the same way ever again!

I had a friend who drunk gallons of the stuff and while he was always well and truly over the [b]Legal Limit[/b] he never picked up a single bug of any kind. Apparently all that Booze killed any germs or Viruses immediately. :p

He used to go in for Alcohol Tests to see how much blood was in his Alcohol he got it down to about 3 parts per hundred almost pure alcohol running through his veins. So there was nothing nasty that could live in that environment. :D

The only down side was when he hit 35 he had to stop drinking because his Pancreas's gave out on him and then he picked up every disease known to man that was doing the rounds no matter what. ;)

But he had the perfect saying he [b]Never Allowed Driving to get in the way of his Drinking.[/b] :^0

Col ]:)

Pix sent to me this morning from one of my friends who keeps on truckin?.

http://tinyurl.com/zx7b5
http://tinyurl.com/hzktl
http://tinyurl.com/j7b9r
http://tinyurl.com/gc6gn
http://tinyurl.com/zbrwh
http://tinyurl.com/eec6r

This truck driver has been pulled over numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture taken with the truck.

--------------------------------
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children?
Or working on some stage in LA?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger
In fear for your neighbor?
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?

Did you burst out with pride
For the Red White and Blue
And the heroes who died just doing what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Teaching a class full of innocent children?
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor?
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your Mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?
Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened?
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages?
Speak with some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow?
Go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent ol' movie you're watching
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers?
Stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family?
Thank God you had somebody to love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love

And the greatest is Love
And the greatest is Love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
--------------------------

It's alright to be a redneck.
It?s alright to ride around in a dirty ol' truck
catch a bunch of fish and shoot a bunch of ducks.
It's alright to be a redneck
chase around the girls on Friday night
you wanna make 'em feel alright.

It's alright, it's alright,
it's alright to be a redneck.

It's alright to be a redneck.
It's alright to work hard in the sun all day,
drink a couple beers after balin' hay.
It's good to be a redneck.
Drive by Ernie's for some barbecue
showin' off your brand new boots.

It's alright, it's alright,
it's alright to be a redneck

The kids are gonna cry
and the chicken's gonna fry
you know it.
Your car won't run
so your cousin's comin' by to tow it.

It's alright to be a redneck.
It's alright to have a girl
named Thelma Lou
that don't mind a little kiss
when you got a little chew.
Party on the road
by the light of the moon
dancin' to a country tune.

It's alright, it's alright
it's alright to be a redneck.
It's alright, it's alright
it's alright to be a redneck.

Yeah, it's alright, it's just right.
It's alright to be a redneck.

Yes, you have posted in unfortunate circumstances- at least that is what you said at the time. I shall have to mine the TR history trove to get you the links.

As I spent the day training, I am now relaxed in front of the keyboard with the first of what can only be several dry martinis and waiting for a steak. I am a VERY lucky woman- my life is good. My partner is cooking!

It sounds as if you enjoyed yourself. Good to hear!

Edit typo... but you should have expected that!

My 3 year old nephew is a real little charmer and charms all the girls working at a coffee shop that his mother frequents. He is the one who insists on taking the money up to the counter and asking for a [b]Chino with Extra Mellows.[/b] Apparently all the staff there love this little guy and talk to him while his order is being made up so far so good. ?:|

But last Friday when my sister took him there he did his usual and then [i]This is where I'm going to have to be careful as I can't use the [b]P[/b] word.[/i] ;\ He quite straight forwardly told the 17 year old girl behind the counter that [b]Mommies lost her Male Appendage.[/b] Apparently the girl went bright red and my sister beat a hasty retreat from the store. ;)

But it didn't end there latter that day when she was telling her husband about the incident her second youngest over heard the conversation and very quickly asked his mother [b]Didn't you have as good a Doctor as Flynn[/b] the oldest boy who had to recently have a circumcision because of severe recurring infections. Apparently his mother being the only female in the house hold with 3 boys and their father none of the children had picked up on the difference. B-)

Just goes to show that you can never trust children to behave or say the right thing in mixed company. :^0

Col ]:)
[i]edited for emotions I'll eventually get them all correct.[/i]

Nice one :)

Rob

I'm sorry to say the theme song to Lamb Chops Playhouse will take out any song stuck in your head.

This is the song that does not end
It goes on and on my friend
Some people started singing it
Not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it
Forever just because...

Repeat until the first annoying song is gone or until you must remove both demons by fire.