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  • #2194376

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by ozi eagle ·

    Hey! Here it is friday arvo and no yuk yet.

    Well here I go.

    CHINESE PROVERBS

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run in front of car get tired.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man with one chopstick go hungry.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who scratch a$$ should not bite fingernails.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #3269420

      Billy Bob and Luther

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
      “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna
      do it a little different.

      The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago
      you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then
      two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant
      again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get
      pregnant again.”

      Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

      Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

    • #3269418

      married 3 times

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly
      discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first
      2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife
      died of a fractured skull.”

      “That’s a shame.” said his friend , “How did it happen?”

      “She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

    • #3269416

      HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      1. Remove film from box and load camera.

      2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.

      3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

      4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

      5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

      6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

      7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

      8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

      9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

      10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

      11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.

      13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

      14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.

      15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

      16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside!
      No, outside!”

      17. Clean up mess.

      18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and
      “stay” the first thing in the morning.

    • #3269415

      Marriage….

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

      It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems
      longer.

      Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

      A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all – money, a beautiful
      house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’
      ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out…’

      Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get
      home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

      How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
      time she brings it to the couch.

      A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your
      things! I just won the California lottery!’ Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack
      for warm weather or cold?’ The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as
      you’re out of the house by noon!’

      Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald
      and still think they are beautiful!

      I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months–I don’t like to interrupt her.

      If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go
      to lunch or to a movie?

      A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

      • #3269288

        Lottery

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Marriage….

        An acquaintance just hit the Kentucky lottery for a million dollars.

        He took the time payment option though… $1.00 a year for a million years.

        • #3269247

          Okay..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Lottery

          Kansas we can make fun of..but I’m from Kentucky. And I never married a family member, didn’t have my first kid at age 13 and I don’t own a gun rack. I do go barefoot whenever possible, though.

        • #3269237

          From WV…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Okay..

          and ditto. I also love being barefoot, but it’s a little difficult in NY…and drives the boss and clients CRAZY!

        • #3269236

          Oh…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Okay..

          AND I know how to pronounce “oil”.

        • #3269235

          Yeah,

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Oh…

          like earl? 🙂

        • #3269230

          Earl?

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Yeah,

          …and by the way…loved the Kansas rules!

        • #3269227

          Yes, the really

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Earl?

          country from like Mississippi and Arkansas say it like the word, got enny earl? 🙂

          I think those rules probably could be used for different states.

        • #3269181

          So, Old Guy…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Earl?

          Thanks. Funny. I have to tell you, though, being raised in the south, that I can’t even type your tag without feeling “disrespectful”. And I’ve been in NY for more than 20 years! I guess they can take the girl out of the country…

        • #3269172

          Vanessa,

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Earl?

          I understand that feeling but I chose the Old Guy because I’m getting that way and besides, there are some perks to getting old. It’s kind of funny, I have worked with my youth group for about 20 years and each year when my kids graduate and come back I ask them how old they are and they tell 20 something. I then tell them they can call me by my first name since they are grown up now. Very few of them can do so. Yeah, I understand but you can still call me Old Guy, I love it! 🙂

        • #3269164

          Okay, Old Guy…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Earl?

          then you, AND ONLY YOU, can call me Old Gal whenever you feel like it. I’m a gettin’ there!

        • #3269143

          Yes ma’am, I mean

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Earl?

          No ma’am. I couldn’t call a lady old anything. I’m smarter than the average bear. My Mom raised me to say ma’am. 🙂

        • #3270503

          Vanessa, at the risk

          by old guy ·

          In reply to Earl?

          of getting my hand or keyboard slapped for cross threading now that I know your age. Your are definitly not even close to being called “Old Gal”. Enjoy your youth–it just gets better each year. 🙂

        • #3270502

          I never

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Earl?

          rushed my age, you know how when you’re 8 you can’t wait to be 10 and when you’re 13 you can’t wait to be 16? That was never me. And I’ve been please with every year/age that I’ve been so far.

          And proud. I can tell you I’ve EARNED each and every year…and thank God for every one of them, too! Some I got through on GRACE alone!

        • #3269226

          So, country girl,

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Okay..

          …your server rack collapses and kills six dogs.

          …your server tower is up on cinderblocks.

          …your UPS and backup generators run on moonshine.

          …your CD-ROM isn’t a cupholder, but an ashtray.

          …instead of backspace, you have a “do wut?” key

          …you own a shotgun with a USB jack

          😀

        • #3269144

          Kentucky: 15 million people, 15 last names..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to So, country girl,

          You Know You’re From Kentucky When…
          No matter how much you think you talk normally, when you head up North they all think you talk like a redneck

          Your English teacher says things like “Y’all” and “Ain’t Got None”

          The best restaurant in town is the Cracker Barrel

          No matter how bad UK’s basketball team is, you still belive they’ll pull it off and make it to the Final 4

          You still believe the South should be it’s own nation

          You believe the Civil War was not a far fight

          It’s not an uncommon site to see a fat man in overalls and a cowboy hat drivin’ down the road in a beat up Chevy with a confederate flag hangin’ off the back with music from Johhny Rebel blastin’ out of his radio

          Biscuits, gravy, and grits is your favorite breakfast

          Wakin’ up with coons and squirrels on your back porch is not an uncommon thing

          To you, huntin’ aint killin’, its sorta like grocery shoppin’

          You own at least 10 country or southern rock cd’s

          You only own a pair of church shoes and winter shoes

          In the summer you don’t wear shoes

          Even your grandmother chews tobacco

          You consider the northern part of the country “The Union”

          A rebel flag doesn’t symbolize racism to you

          Your church parking lot is filled with pickups

          The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?”

          You actually know who Toby Keith, Brooks& Dunn, Keith Urban, Montgomery Gentry, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Garth Brooks, and George Straight are.

          A carbonated soft drink is a COKE, regardless of brand or flavor.

          Okay..seriously, only a FEW of these apply to me..

        • #3270496

          Cute! However, where I come from…

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Kentucky: 15 million people, 15 last names..

          (WV – and for you Yankees: it’s a whole different state than Virginia):

          We ain’t Got No Englej teechr

          We got plenty o’ water barrels, but no Cracker Barrel.

          The South still IS it’s own nation.

          The Civil War’s not over yet.

          All our fat men share a pair of overalls we just lost our town Chevy…but we’re never short o’ our national confederate flag.

          Biscuits, gravy, and grits is our favorite breakfast, lunch & dinner.

          Wakin’ up with coons and squirrels on your back porch is not an uncommon thing – doesn’t everybody?

          What’s “groceries”?

          What’s CDs? And do they take ‘lectricity?

          What’er shoes

          Grandmother ain’t got no teeth so she just sucks on her ‘baccy (and she’s only 20)

          Our church parking lot is filled with footprints

          We don’t have friends, only extended family, and when we meet, we only just nod, really. To speak you’d have to spit your ‘baccy first.

          We really only heard o’ George Straight.

          A carbonated soft drink is a COKE, regardless of brand or flavor. (What’s wrong with this one?)

        • #3270495

          I’m with you on the ‘Coke’ thing..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Cute! However, where I come from…

          if it’s fizzy, then it’s Coke.. The Real Thing.

          In fact, I just went and got myself one. Y’all.

        • #3270472

          Hey, Maecuff

          by vanessaj ·

          In reply to Cute! However, where I come from…

          The fact that you had a day like yesterday, and still prefer the liquid “coke” says a lot about your stamina! 😉

          And I really only lived in WV a few short years, but I thought it would be fun to kid around. I’m really from Virginia…which really is a completely different state. (I have to keep telling New Yorkers about that!)

          I hope your day is looking up and you get tomorrow completely off to relax and refresh! Kudos for making it this far, AND with sense of humor still in tact.

        • #3270378

          forgot 1

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to Cute! However, where I come from…

          ya’ll northerners, ya’ll forgot all about ‘Barques’ and if ya went any futher south ya’d git ya foots wet.

        • #3111255

          Next, we’ll discuss NEW Mexico’s statehood

          by colonel panijk ·

          In reply to Cute! However, where I come from…

          > [i]Cute! However, where I come from…
          (WV – and for you Yankees: it’s a whole different state than Virginia):[/i]

          Yes’m! At the risk of having ‘baccy spit on me, I would like to point out that WV was a [b]Northern[/b] state — it split off from Virginia during the Civil War because most WVers didn’t hold with slavery and the aims of Richmond. It’s therefore a bit out of place to talk like a rebbie…

        • #3269187

          I’ve got a million of them :)

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Okay..

          Did you know that, until the mid 1990s, Junior High school students got two smoke breaks per day.

          Childrens’ rights activists were horrified, until someone pointed out to them that the average age of a seventh grader in the Kentucky school system was 22.4 years 🙂

        • #3269169

          Ooh, that is cold!

          by old guy ·

          In reply to I’ve got a million of them :)

          but hilarious. I think Arkansas is like that too. :^0

        • #3270488

          Arkansas

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Ooh, that is cold!

          was originally “Our Kansas” (as opposed to “Their Kansas” or “Your Kansas”, I suppose).

      • #3112649

        on my 13th anniversary…

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Marriage….

        Do you know why married men die before their wives?

        Becuase they want to…..

    • #3269342

      problem solver

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

      Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.

      The result is a win-win-win situation:

      + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border…
      + Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans…
      + Put the Florida alligators in the moat…

      Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

    • #3269339

      Rules to Enter Kansas

      by old guy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      While this was sent to me with Kansas as the subject, I’m sure it applies to many other states…so don’t nobody go getting jealous of all the attention.

      RULES TO ENTER KANSAS
      Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
      Learn & remember: East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

      1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

      2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

      3. They are cattle & feed lots. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

      4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

      5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

      6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

      7. Yeah, we eat catfish and mountain oysters. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

      8. The “Opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

      9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

      10. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

      11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

      12. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

      13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

      14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.

      15. Colleges? Try K-State or KU or abunch a’ others. They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

      16. Anhydrous Ammonia is used as a fertilizer! Let us catch you trying to “cook” something with it and we will “cook” your you-know-what!

      [forwarded by Clem Frederiksen]

      today’sTHOT============================

      How come it takes a properly prepared, primed surface for paint to stick to a wall, but if a drop lands on the floor, it’s there for life?

      PASS IT ON!
      Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you’re REAL nice, you’ll tell them where you got it! http://www.mikeysFunnies.com

      • #3269258

        I lived in Kansas

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Rules to Enter Kansas

        for a little over a year. If a doctor gives you a year to live, move to Kansas, because every day seems like an eternity.

        (I stole that joke, I’m not that clever)

        • #3269257

          Mae, just think..

          by old guy ·

          In reply to I lived in Kansas

          your day yesterday could have happened whily you lived in Kansas :^0

          I hope you’re getting your sanity back from your REALLY bad day. 🙂

          Edited to add: you know, sanity is not all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes its fun to be a little crazy. It even gets you out of some things… 😛

        • #3269253

          Nope

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Mae, just think..

          it’s not getting any better, but on the plus side, I’m so freaking tired that I don’t care as much.

    • #3269263

      Personal Ads

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      ADS FROM WOMEN – What they really mean

      40-ish……………… 48
      Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will
      Athletic…………….Flat-chested
      Average looking……… Ugly
      Beautiful…………… Pathological liar
      Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin
      Educated…………….College dropout
      Emotionally Secure…… Medicated
      Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster
      Free spirit…………. Substance user
      Friendship first……..Trying to live down reputation as slut
      Fun…………………Annoying
      Gentle……………… Comatose
      Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic
      New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time
      Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only
      Open-minded…………. Desperate
      Outgoing…………….Loud
      Passionate………….. Loud
      Poet………………..Depressive Schzophrenic
      Professional………… Real Witch
      Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section
      Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat
      Romantic…………….Looks better by candle light
      Voluptuous………….. Very Fat
      Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat
      Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking
      Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death
      Young at heart………. Toothless crone
      ——————————————————————-

      THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

      40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
      Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
      Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
      Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot
      Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister
      Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity
      Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack
      Good looking………… Arrogant
      Honest………………Pathological Liar
      Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
      Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent
      Mature……………… Until you get to know him
      Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
      Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
      Poet………………..Has written on a bathroom stall
      Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
      Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
      Thoughtful………….. Says “Please” when demanding a beer

      • #3269261

        Mae- That was great!

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to Personal Ads

        I know it has probably been around for awhile, but this is the first time I have seen it.

        I will never wonder about personal ads again…

      • #3269254

        One more.

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Personal Ads

        Only had sex twice in high school……. (With the footbal team and the marching band).

        • #3269251

          I know this is a little out of character

          by old guy ·

          In reply to One more.

          for me but does that go under the Woman’s list or the Men’s list? :^0

        • #3269184

          I thought about that…

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to I know this is a little out of character

          I guess it depends on where you’re from.

    • #3269250

      Attitude is Everything

      by gordon1808 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. “Well,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today.” So she did and she had a wonderful day.

      The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. “Hmmm . . . ” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.” So she did and she had a GRAND day.

      The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and notcied that she had only one hair on her head. “Well,” she said, “Today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail.” So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

      The next day she woke up looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head. “YEAH!” she exclaimed, “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”

      • #3269244

        but but…

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Attitude is Everything

        Then you have the whole ‘scalp maintenance’ issue to deal with..

        • #3269233

          But But But :^0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to but but…

          I’ve just had the cops around something about a red painted cat as if I would know anything about that. :^0

          Apparently the owner is really upset but not quite upset enough to keep the [b]Bloody Thing Indoors at Night.[/b] ;\

          Anyway time to leave the D 10 will be arriving soon so I have a Surgeon to go kill and enjoy watching the [b]Bastard Drown.[/b] :0

          Col ]:)

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