Friday Yuk

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago
you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then
two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly
discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first
2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife
died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and
"stay" the first thing in the morning.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems
longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful
house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'
'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get
home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your
things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack
for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as
you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald
and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go
to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.

The result is a win-win-win situation:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border...
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans...
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat...

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

While this was sent to me with Kansas as the subject, I'm sure it applies to many other states...so don't nobody go getting jealous of all the attention.

RULES TO ENTER KANSAS
Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
Learn & remember: East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & feed lots. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish and mountain oysters. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try K-State or KU or abunch a' others. They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. Anhydrous Ammonia is used as a fertilizer! Let us catch you trying to "cook" something with it and we will "cook" your you-know-what!

[forwarded by Clem Frederiksen]

today'sTHOT============================

How come it takes a properly prepared, primed surface for paint to stick to a wall, but if a drop lands on the floor, it's there for life?

PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

ADS FROM WOMEN - What they really mean

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.....................Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet....................Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
-------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest..................Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet....................Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

it's not getting any better, but on the plus side, I'm so freaking tired that I don't care as much.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm . . . " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a GRAND day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and notcied that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

and ditto. I also love being barefoot, but it's a little difficult in NY...and drives the boss and clients CRAZY!

AND I know how to pronounce "oil".

country from like Mississippi and Arkansas say it like the word, got enny earl? :)

I think those rules probably could be used for different states.

...your server rack collapses and kills six dogs.

...your server tower is up on cinderblocks.

...your UPS and backup generators run on moonshine.

...your CD-ROM isn't a cupholder, but an ashtray.

...instead of backspace, you have a "do wut?" key

...you own a shotgun with a USB jack

:D

Did you know that, until the mid 1990s, Junior High school students got two smoke breaks per day.

Childrens' rights activists were horrified, until someone pointed out to them that the average age of a seventh grader in the Kentucky school system was 22.4 years :)

I guess it depends on where you're from.

Thanks. Funny. I have to tell you, though, being raised in the south, that I can't even type your tag without feeling "disrespectful". And I've been in NY for more than 20 years! I guess they can take the girl out of the country...

I understand that feeling but I chose the Old Guy because I'm getting that way and besides, there are some perks to getting old. It's kind of funny, I have worked with my youth group for about 20 years and each year when my kids graduate and come back I ask them how old they are and they tell 20 something. I then tell them they can call me by my first name since they are grown up now. Very few of them can do so. Yeah, I understand but you can still call me Old Guy, I love it! :)

then you, AND ONLY YOU, can call me Old Gal whenever you feel like it. I'm a gettin' there!

No ma'am. I couldn't call a lady old anything. I'm smarter than the average bear. My Mom raised me to say ma'am. :)

of getting my hand or keyboard slapped for cross threading now that I know your age. Your are definitly not even close to being called "Old Gal". Enjoy your youth--it just gets better each year. :)

rushed my age, you know how when you're 8 you can't wait to be 10 and when you're 13 you can't wait to be 16? That was never me. And I've been please with every year/age that I've been so far.

And proud. I can tell you I've EARNED each and every year...and thank God for every one of them, too! Some I got through on GRACE alone!

if it's fizzy, then it's Coke.. The Real Thing.

In fact, I just went and got myself one. Y'all.

The fact that you had a day like yesterday, and still prefer the liquid "coke" says a lot about your stamina! ;)

And I really only lived in WV a few short years, but I thought it would be fun to kid around. I'm really from Virginia...which really is a completely different state. (I have to keep telling New Yorkers about that!)

I hope your day is looking up and you get tomorrow completely off to relax and refresh! Kudos for making it this far, AND with sense of humor still in tact.

ya'll northerners, ya'll forgot all about 'Barques' and if ya went any futher south ya'd git ya foots wet.

> [i]Cute! However, where I come from...
(WV - and for you Yankees: it's a whole different state than Virginia):[/i]

Yes'm! At the risk of having 'baccy spit on me, I would like to point out that WV was a [b]Northern[/b] state -- it split off from Virginia during the Civil War because most WVers didn't hold with slavery and the aims of Richmond. It's therefore a bit out of place to talk like a rebbie...