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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago
you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then
two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly
discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first
2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife
died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and
"stay" the first thing in the morning.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems
longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful
house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'
'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get
home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your
things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack
for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as
you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald
and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go
to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.