Friday Yuk

Locked

My turn to start a Friday Yuk (given that I participate in about 3 or 4 discussions a year).
Many of you have probably seen these before but they crack me up somthing shocking.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one..

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh….

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

AND THE WINNER GOES TO…….

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Topic

This is terrible

In reply to Friday Yuk

It’s a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it’s prosthetic!

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney. Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. “He has been my crutch for so long”!

She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I’m stumped?

“She’s running around in circles”, according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn’t been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. “She’s terrible” a source stated, “always trying to get her leg over”.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
“Macca couldn’t handle it anymore” a friend said, “He would get home at night and find her legless?”

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas; she says she’ll buy her own Immac for the other leg!

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney :

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt

and her leg fell in the river

A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I’m ****ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney

Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

A The McCartney’s

These jokes are funny but let’s spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he’s going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

i’m a horrible person

In reply to This is terrible

I’m sorry..i laughed at those.

In fact, when i laugh real hard, i cry..so, to be honest, i was sobbing.

I’m going to hell, i know..i can accept this.

work..

In reply to Friday Yuk

Employee rules and regulations

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic
Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy!

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management

Still good to read them.

In reply to Friday Yuk

So how old they are a good joke never bores.

Rob

America’s Smartest Woman

In reply to Friday Yuk

Well some will love it some won’t
But here it goes:
—-

A plane was about to crash and it had four passengers but only three parachutes.The first person steps up,grabs the first parachute,and says;”I’m Kobe Bryant.I’m the best NBA player,the lakers need me.I can’t afford to die.”He leaves the plane.The second person steps up,grabs the second parachute,and says;”I’m Hilary Clinton.America’s smartest woman.I’m the former presidents wife and future president of the United States.I can’t afford to die.”she leaves the plane.The third person,a preacher,says to the fourth passenger,a ten year old boy;”I’ll sacrifice my life so you can have the final parachute.”The boy looks up at the preacher and says;”That’s ok.There’s still a parachute left for you.America’s smartest woman took my backpack.”
—

Have a great weekend all, I’m gonna watch the WC-football. Have fun

Rob

HeHe I never saw this before, but …

In reply to Friday Yuk

My mom worked as a legal secretary for years and she was going to write a book about this stuff. Looks like someone beat her to it.

She once told me of a case, where the defendent described their car accident and said, “Well I was just driving along when the tree jumped out and hit me”

Something unheard of —

In reply to Friday Yuk

You have to go to the link and run this. It is pretty self explanitory, but it is so very true also.

Title: An Honest Boss
http://www.hallmark.com/wcsstore/HallmarkStore/images/products/ecards/nfg1969.swf

Handfull of Oldies…not as good as the McCartney’s but…

In reply to Friday Yuk

Last Request
Ken was on his death bed and gasped pitifully.
“Promise to fulfill my last request, Cindy,” he said.
“Of course, Ken,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Tim.”
“But I thought you hated Tim,” she said.
With his last breath, Ken said, “I do!”

Larry’s Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. If fact, she goes to bed with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s bar?”

The First Man?
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
“You might be,” she says. “Your face does look familiar!”

Man goes to see the Rabbi
“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Do you want to hear my advice?”
The man anxiously says, “Yes, YES!”
“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

Frenchisms!

In reply to Friday Yuk

These are old but still good.

?I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.?
General George S. Patton.

?Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.?
Norman Schwartzkopf.

?We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.?
Marge Simpson

?As far as I?m concerned, war always means failure?
Jacques Chirac, President of France

?As far as France is concerned, you?re right.?
Rush Limbaugh,

?The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.?
Regis Philbin.

?The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don?t know.?
P.J O?Rourke (1989).

?You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn?t have the face for it.?
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

?You know why the French don?t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He
is French, people!?
Conan O?Brien

?I don?t know why people are surprised that France won?t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn?t help us get Hitler
out of France either?
Jay Leno.

?The last time the French asked for ?more proof? it came marching into Paris under a German flag.?
David Letterman

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.
Ted Nugent.

War without France would be like ? uh ? World War II. The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says ?First Iraq, then France.??
Tom Brokaw.

?What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis??
Dennis Miller.

?It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.?
Alan Kent

?They?ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa?ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.?
Argus Hamilton

?Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day ? the description was, ?Never shot.
Dropped once.??
Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

?The French will only agree to go to war when we?ve proven we?ve found truffles in Iraq.?
Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ? raise both hands if you are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m?sieur?

?Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It?s not known, it?s never been tried.?
Rep. R. Blount (MO)

?Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that?s because it was raining.?
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from
Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France?s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

America = Arnold Palmer.
France = Jean Van de Velde.

America = Walt ?Clyde? Frazier.
France = Tony Parker.

America = John McEnroe.
France = Yannick Noah.

America = U.S.S. Nimitz.
France = The Charles de Gaulle.

America = Sex with your wife.
France = Sex with your boyfriend?s girlfriend.

America = Stoli with a beer chaser.
France = Grey Goose mixed with granapplestraworangeberry.

America = Marshall Plan.
France = Vichy.

If you take your son to his little league baseball game, and then to A&W for some burgers and root beer, you?re *not* French.

If, however, you take your girlfriend?s lesbian lover out to get her arm pits shaven and her body pierced, well, you?re a Frenchman, Chomsky.

Every one knows Bubba!!!!

In reply to Frenchisms!

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!” His boss doesn’t believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world” but Bubba says “Yes I do!” so Bubba’s boss says “Well prove it!” then Bubba says “Pick someone… and I know them!”
Well Bubba’s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. “Tom Selleck! I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck!” Bubba says “Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!” but Bubba’s boss says “No you weren’t!” then Bubba says “Yes we were!” so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck’s house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes “Tom!!!” and Tom goes “Bubba!” and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that could happen, it’s just one person,” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick somebody else!”
This time Bubba’s boss has someone in mind! “The president, Bill Clinton! You don’t know Bill Clinton!” but Bubba says “Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!” Bubba’s boss says “No you weren’t!” and Bubba says “Yes we were!” so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get’s close enough to catch Clinton’s eye and waves “Bill!” and the President waves “Bubba!” and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss is stunned– he can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that’s just two people in one country– that doesn’t mean he knows everyone in the whole world!” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!”
And Bubba’s boss knows just who to pick so he says “The Pope! You do not know the Pope!” and Bubba says “The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!” and Bubba’s boss says “No he didn’t!” and Bubba says “Yes he did!” so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd– without much luck– so Bubba says “Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what–I’ll work my way up there and when I do, I’ll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!” and he leaves. Well Bubba’s boss waits and waits and waits and just when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba’s boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says “Boss! Boss! Wake up!” and when his boss comes to, he asks “Boss what happened?” Bubba’s boss looks at Bubba and says “OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton… heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks ‘Who’s that up there with Bubba?’ that’s a little more than I can take! –“

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