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Friday Yuk

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Since I haven’t seen a Friday Yuk yet I would like to get it started. Hope I’m not posting one at the same time but here goes.

Nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Speaking English is what kills you. Eat and drink what you like.

Topic

Not humourous but your timing is good

In reply to Friday Yuk

There was a report (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,197539,00.html) that Canadians were healthier than Americans, despite our poor deprived socialistic communistic animalistic health care system (sarcasm alert). And yes I chose the first google hit foxnews and isn’t that ironic….

James

Yes, it is funny

In reply to Not humourous but your timing is good

since it was primarily directed towards us, Americans, because there are so many Americans who really get on a health nut kick. It lets us be able to laugh at ourselves.

With all due respect, James, if you want another American vs the world commentary you need to start your own. If you don’t like the joke I put up then you certainly don’t have to read. This discussion was started for humor (humour) not arguments.

With All due respect

In reply to Yes, it is funny

I’m not trying to argue, I just found the syncronicity of your joke and the report I heard last night to be an amusing co-incidence. That Fox is the one commenting makes it even funnier, given the fact that they for one have been hitting Americans with the “evils of Canadian Healthcare” line for a long time.

Perhaps you didn’t find it funny. I never claimed I was a comedian, and I warned you upfront. But I never meant it as an attack on Americans. Relax and take a deep breath.

James

My apologies, I

In reply to With All due respect

misinterpreted Not humorous. I thought you meant the one I posted. I do apologize and now understand what you were saying. You are correct that was coincidental. Thanks for explaining.

Edited for verb tense…

I could have been more clear in my title

In reply to My apologies, I

In retrospect.

You know I do watch O’Reilly sometimes on Fox to remind me how funny the Colbert report is….

James

you know….

In reply to With All due respect

it is really hard to relax when watching you (avatar) beating the crap out of someone(thing).[

It’s only for a week

In reply to you know….

It’s a protest by a bunch of Miscellaneous regulars. We’ll all revert to our normal fluffy kittens or whatever next week.

Forget the animated GIF for a moment

In reply to you know….

And read the message at the top I’m sure that you’ll see the funny side them. :^0

Next week I’ll be switching back to Keeping [b]My Eye[/b] on all of you. 😀

Col ]:)

serves you right

In reply to Not humourous but your timing is good

fox? i thought better of you James 🙂

In my defense….

In reply to serves you right

…it was google’s top hit – yeah thats it.

Coming soon to a Friday Yuck near you….Maxwell Edison quotes from Mother Jones (or the New York Times). Oz Media warns that “hell will freeze over soon”>

James

The animated GIF…

In reply to serves you right

it’s from Office Space, right? LOVED that film.

Sunday Sermon

In reply to Friday Yuk

The sermon this mother will never forget….
“Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
“Without you, we are but dust.”
He would have continued but at that moment the very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Quick Jokes

In reply to Friday Yuk

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
“No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.”

——–

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice….
“How much do you want it to be?”
He got the job.

——–

10 Reasons to go to work naked

In reply to Friday Yuk

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. “I’d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.”

3. Inventive way to finally meet that ‘special’ person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And…drum roll…
the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say,”I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!” ever again

His and Her guide to cash machines

In reply to Friday Yuk

A host of new drive through cash points is set to sweep through the country, and the national association of bankers has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new year:

MEN:
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive through Cash Machine
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt

WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive through Cash Machine
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in handbag
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in handbag
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in handbag for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for deposit envelope
15. Look in handbag for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Sign checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys.
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release handbrake

It’s so sad…

In reply to His and Her guide to cash machines

…to see yet another man trying desperately to defend the male brain. tsk tsk tsk. But we know who really runs the world, don’t we? Go ahead…defend some more. It’s cute.

Manly Man’s Chain Letter

In reply to Friday Yuk

Manly Man’s Chain Letter

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain letter brings luck.

One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Let’s keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

This isn’t so much a yuk

In reply to Friday Yuk

As it is helpful advice for new parents..

Tips for Potty Training.

Demonstrate how to use a toilet. Let the kid watch. Make faces and sounds. Entertain the child and they’ll think going potty is like going to the circus. Weeeeeee!

Make your child comfortable with going potty. Sit them on the big potty and tell them to hold on for dear life. Flush the handle two or three times and let them feel the cool breeze. Let them know it’s time to feed the potty monster and if they don’t want to become a potty monster snack, they better feed him and get off.

Tell your child the potty monster gets hungry at night and if they don’t feed him, he’ll be waiting for them in the hallway. Be emphatic. Tell them the potty monster doesn’t eat dirty diapers and gets very upset if his meal is in a diaper.

Begin potty monster stories as soon as your child can understand what you’re saying. Act it out. Stand in the toilet and pretend the potty monster’s eating you. If the child begins crying, tell them to knock it off or they’re next.

Talk about tough love,

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

wow if that doesn’t work nothing will. :^0

Mae, Posts like this

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

Are why I like you. 🙂

I wonder if that works for litter training kittens???

How about teaching one’s (male) partner to put the darned ring down???

I have to give credit where credit is due..

In reply to Mae, Posts like this

my husband wrote this.

He has a blog (it’s a bit strange, believe it or not) and this is part of his contribution honoring national ‘Potty Training Month’.

Or better yet

In reply to Mae, Posts like this

teaching who ever needs the blased thing, put it in the position you need? :p

The EX had thought she would be “cute” to win this battle in a house full of guys, buy getting a big, fluffy seat cover. This was so big that the ring would NOT stay up.

One time the ring fell WHILE thing two was “going”. oh the cries!

From that point on, we NEVER lifted the seat. For ANY reason. X-( Let her sit in THAT! B-) :^0

Anyone

In reply to Or better yet

who decorates their bathroom with a big, fluffy seat cover deserves any discomfort they get.

Mae that’s really mild

In reply to Anyone

When I was working up at the GAP one of the US Families where leaving and where selling off their trinkets as they could not fit them in the luggage to return home with.

In the Alice this is quite common so there is quite a lot of US stuff sold to the locals at Garage Sales. But the one that caught my eye was a Seat made of Sea Shells with one of the US’s States Name on it. I don’t know what it was actually used for but it certainly looked uncomfortable. 🙂

Col ]:)

Seat Rings

In reply to Mae that’s really mild

A friend of mines father was a doctor and thought it would be cute if he gave us all acryllic seat with diffent things inside it like the ones he had. His father’s had hypodermic needles and other medical tools in it. He gave his son one that had what could only be described as fake poo and another one for the guest bathroom with very sharp looking teeth all over it.

Now that sounds like something that I would do

In reply to Seat Rings

😀

Col ]:)

Re couples and males with toilet seats

In reply to Mae, Posts like this

The simple and easiest answer is to also install a urinal and then super glue the seat down. Surely, in the long run, the small cost is less than the agrivation.

Tell them that the potty monster

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

doesn’t like hot curries!

They’ll thank you for it in later life after the ten pints and a chicken phal that you had last night wreaks it’s awful revenge in the morning. Potty monster? Potty fiend.

I wish my Mum had told me…

Neil you are sounding more and more

In reply to Tell them that the potty monster

Like Lister every day. God help us all! 🙁

Col ]:)

Sorry, Col

In reply to Neil you are sounding more and more

I’ll try and raise my game a little. It’s the avatar – it’s having a very bad influence on me.

I’ll have to go and search out something more appropriate for tomorrow.

😀

Potty monster on TV

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

there was ad for toilet bowl cleaner a year or two back that featured a dirty toilet. the dirty toilet turned into, you guessed it, a ‘potty monster’. with evil grimmace and scary sound effects. (the idea was you buy their cleaner and the monster goes away, I guess)

they stopped running these ads.
turned out some guy sued them.

his kid saw the ads and wouldn’t go near a toilet.

Well in that case

In reply to Potty monster on TV

It’s a good thing that that kid never saw [b]The Goodies![/b] :^0

I’ll never forget the episode where Graeme Garden started crossing Dogs with Household furniture to win the [b]Best Dog At Krops.[/b] There was the person eating sofa and the Potty Monster who tried to eat anyone that came near it at every opportunity. Kind of reminds me of the Dear Parrot Sketch from the Monty Python crew. 😀

Col ]:)

Mae, you inspire three little words….

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

…and those three little words are not “I love you”.

I was thinking more along the lines of “scarred for life”…

Do you have shares in pharmaceutical companies, child behavioural therapists, anything like that?

James

Nope

In reply to Mae, you inspire three little words….

Just four kids and a grandchild on the way. So, come this November, I’ll have the next generation to scar.

I was thinking more along the lines of

In reply to Mae, you inspire three little words….

“run like hell”! :0

Thankfully

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

My daughter was potty trained at 2, so I never had to employ this method. It does sound like something I would do though! 😀 :^0

We really didn’t

In reply to Thankfully

potty train at all. I am of the opinion that a kid will give up the diaper when they are ready. They won’t be crapping in their pants when their 21, right? So what’s the rush?

Of course, to hear my mother in law tell it, I did it all wrong.

All I can say then Mae is

In reply to We really didn’t

[b]Bitty!!!!!!!!!!![/b] :0

If you’ve never seen [b]Little Britain[/b] you will not understand but I was rolling around on the floor when ever I saw this one and I constantly drive [b]SHMBO[/b] nuts by saying Bitty at every opportunity when there are people over. 😀

If you want to know what’s it about PM me and I’ll explain it in private. Neil or GG will also know the answer. :p

Col ]:)

Telling y’re wrong

In reply to We really didn’t

is what “mother in law” are good at. It’s what my “mother in law” is telling me when i’m cooking dinner for the whole bunch. Sounds like: No no no, first do … then that and do not start that untill ….
But heck it’s my gf’s mother so I let it be.

BTW are you not a mother in law as the grandchild is on the way, mae 😀 😉 😡

Rob

[i]edited for format[/i]

Yes, I am..

In reply to Telling y’re wrong

But I am a GOOD mother in law. I don’t interfere and I almost always keep my opinions to myself..

Scar..

In reply to This isn’t so much a yuk

Scar them for life by the sounds of it!

That explains groups of people going to the toilet…

And all this time

In reply to Scar..

I thought women went in packs because they just like to watch?

Who knew it was for portection from the monster? :0

no,no,no,no,no

In reply to And all this time

Women go in packs for one reason….

if one of us finds the lid up, the others go hunt out the guy that left it that way, and beat the cr*p out of him!!

😀

GG

You would have to wonder about the type of guy using the women’s john…

In reply to no,no,no,no,no

Most real men wouldn’t be caught dead in the ladies’ crapper. Mind you, there have been questions raised about Jd, so you can’t be too sure now, can you??? :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Hmm….

In reply to no,no,no,no,no

I imagine trans gendered folk would be sitting as they are ‘in training’ again?! ?:| :p

Jelli, that’s downright nasty. You know something we don’t know??? :^0

In reply to Hmm….

We did hear Jd liked show tunes. :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

C’mon, jd

In reply to no,no,no,no,no

I gave you all the secret camera feed addresses just as you ordered. I would have thought that you’d be an expert by now.

:p

GG. Glad to see that the office loo is fixed.

And Pray Tell

In reply to C’mon, jd

Didn’t you pass those on to me as well? 🙂

I’m felling left out completely. 🙁

Just to make matters even worse the 2 series of Little Britain that have been released here don’t have the Tom Baker Look alike walking into shops and destroying them because there is a [b]Time Portal[/b] in a dressing room or something similar. I loved the expression on the faces of the Shop Assistants when this stunt was pulled.

Col ]:)

Sorry, Col

In reply to And Pray Tell

But jd asked for the lavcams to be put in and I assumed he’s passed on the addresses. Ask him, he’s got the controls…

I can’t get excited about Little Britain. I’ve never been a fan of “catchphrase comedy” but I do reckon I know why you’re possibly missing bits. The first series was on BBC2 which is a less popular channel. It was also on after 9pm. When it started to get big viewing figure, the new series and the repeats of season one were run on BBC1, the main channel, and some of the more contentious bits were cut out of both the repeats and the new series. I guess it’s the neutered versions that you’re seeing. Another reason why I don’t watch it – it’s just more dumbing down.

The only Doctor Who lookalikes that I know of is in the BBC (of course) impressionists sketch show “Dead Ringers”. I think that’s maybe what you’ve seen. They cewrtainly do a Tom Baker impersonator wandering into shops and winding people up.

Neil as it was shown here

In reply to And Pray Tell

The one Tom Baker skit that I really loved was the Back of the Good Doctor walking into a dress shop asking to use a changing room as there was a [b]Time Portal[/b] in it and he needed to seal it up or something similar and the poor shop assistant could only grab the phone and ring the Boss to get help as the store started to fall apart around her. This followed a [b]Bitty[/b] skit in I think Season 1 here so it had to be Little Britain. 🙂

While it’s certainly not my favourite comedy when it was shown here it was the best thing to watch on the [b]Free To Air TV[/b] so for that fact alone I watched some of it when I was home and not out on any Site Work. 🙁

It also gave me the idea to use [b]The Bitty Comment[/b] to drive [b]SWMBO[/b] up the wall by saying it at the most inappropriate times. :^0

Ever since I’ve started using that term I’ve been excused from [b]SWMBO[/b] Favourite Sport Shopping. 😀

Col ]:)

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