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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
Not sure if there's any rules for the Friday Yuk, but i'm here first, so i don't care.

Now, some of these are old, but hey, they still make me laugh out loud in the office! :)

So..40 things you'd like to say at work..but can't:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate
yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8.I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a d@mn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's **** with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality

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A random couple of nasties...

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

A young lady goes to the doctors one day with a bad stomach.
"whats wrong with me doctor?" she says "I have a terrible feeling in my stomach that doesnt seem to go away"
"I'll need a urine sample, and then come back in a few days and I''ll give you my diagnosis" says the doc.

So, a few days pass and she goes back to the doctors for the diagnosis...
"So doctor" she asks "whats wrong with me?"
"Well," said the doctor "Lets put it this way... are you any good at changing nappies?"
"OH FOR GODS SAKE! DONT TELL ME I'M PREGNANT!!!!" she says.

"oh no, you're not pregnant," said the doc. "You've got bowel cancer!"

----------------------

After the International Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Scottish and Newcastle Brewery sits down and says, "Give me a Coke. "The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Newcastle Brown?"

The Newky president replies, "Well, if yee are not drinkin beeah then Ah decided tha Aa'd not".

---------------------

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a ****** thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the bank clerk, pauses for a moment, then realising her mistake, she says,

"Well that's great...... just great.....Some ar$ehole's got my pen."

---------------------

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"Ten" replies the Essex girl.
"Ten?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

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whats going on?

by Shellbot In reply to A random couple of nastie ...

where is everyone? are we alone over here Neil?

there's like no new posts..

its quiet..too quiet..whats up?

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Still early and the Aussies must be snoozen

by jdclyde In reply to whats going on?

It IS only 9:30am, after all.

Will go search the databanks and see what I can add to the mix!

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What is the difference?

by jdclyde In reply to A random couple of nastie ...

What is the differnce between a ****** and an oral thermometer?

The taste....


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names and ....

by noyoki In reply to What is the difference?

Ew...

(It's tear song, btw. New name...)

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hamsters - priceless

by heml0ck In reply to A random couple of nastie ...

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me.(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear
to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call **1?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I
gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Hamsters ..... $10
1 Cage ..... $20
1 Trip to the Vet .... $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker. ....Priceless.

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roflmao

by noyoki In reply to hamsters - priceless

I'm glad it's nigh on 10pm here (yes, I'm still sitting at my desk...) because I couldn't contain the outburst of giggles. :^0


edit for smilie mishap... no smilies were injured in the ... well, okay, one was deleted ... does that count?

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~twisted gryn~

by Jaqui In reply to Friday Yuk

free membership on the "dating" site needed to get the results.

Pathetic pervert test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15445257042651188278

Sex Feind test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=315973567082496354

**** test:

http://www.okcupid.com/****

Sexual Style Test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=13030039429336430561

the T&A&C test: [ T|TS A$$ CUTENESS ]

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15**2893200295081418

The KINKY test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15304**5120826511247


My results, in order of the tests:

The Sinner
Wow, interesting! You scored53
Tisk! Tisk! Tisk! You must be ashamed of yourself. I would have to say that you definately chat naked, and if not. I'm sure you have a grand old time watching others chat naked. That's repulsive. I'll see you on Americas Most Wanted! You can't run forever!

The Sex-Fiend
You scored 41 out 45 experience and 39 out of 45 adventurousness!
You are the unprecedented. There's nothing you haven't tried, and nothing you wouldn't try again. Sex is your life. You revel in sex, and love rubbing people's faces in it. It's cool - you enjoy your sexuality to its maximum!

The Results ARE IN! You are:

81% ****

Your above score was normalized against the average, so don't even TRY to disagree with us. Science is certain, and so are we: you are absolutely 81% Slutty.

TYPE P
You scored ** imagination, ** confidence, 62 dominance, and 79 generosity!
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give. This means that: You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring. You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover. You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it! You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do! WE SUGGEST YOU: get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

Curvy and Cute
Raw score: 48% Big Breasts, 59% Big ***, and 68% Cute!


Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and cuter composures than others who've taken the test.

Note that you like women overall curvier than average.

My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your higher than average score suggests you appreciate a cuter, nicer look. Kudos!

Kinky *******!
Grats! You're 80% kinky!
Well well well, you kinky *******! Most likely you're into some weird ****, which is always great. Consider mailing the author of this test, and keep up the good work

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 84% on kinkpoints

now, does anything about my results suprise anyone here? ]:)

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too funny

by Shellbot In reply to ~twisted gryn~

i always guessed you would be a **** :)
I guess its now confirmed..
i was having my suspicions, especially once you ~giggled~
:)

I just may take these tests myself..you could start a new thread and we could post our results ]:)

hahaha..

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suspicions?

by Jaqui In reply to too funny

I never tried to hide it. ]:)

the tests are appropriately placed, in the friday yuk thread.

they are just a fun way to waste a half an hour.


and the TAC test even has one for the girls to rate guys.

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