Friday Yuk

A young lady goes to the doctors one day with a bad stomach.
"whats wrong with me doctor?" she says "I have a terrible feeling in my stomach that doesnt seem to go away"
"I'll need a urine sample, and then come back in a few days and I''ll give you my diagnosis" says the doc.

So, a few days pass and she goes back to the doctors for the diagnosis...
"So doctor" she asks "whats wrong with me?"
"Well," said the doctor "Lets put it this way... are you any good at changing nappies?"
"OH FOR GODS SAKE! DONT TELL ME I'M PREGNANT!!!!" she says.

"oh no, you're not pregnant," said the doc. "You've got bowel cancer!"

----------------------

After the International Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Scottish and Newcastle Brewery sits down and says, "Give me a Coke. "The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Newcastle Brown?"

The Newky president replies, "Well, if yee are not drinkin beeah then Ah decided tha Aa'd not".

---------------------

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the bank clerk, pauses for a moment, then realising her mistake, she says,

"Well that's great...... just great.....Some ar$ehole's got my pen."

---------------------

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"Ten" replies the Essex girl.
"Ten?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

free membership on the "dating" site needed to get the results. :(

Pathetic pervert test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15445257042651188278

Sex Feind test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=315973567082496354

Slut test:

http://www.okcupid.com/slut

Sexual Style Test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=13030039429336430561

the T&A&C test: [ T|TS A$$ CUTENESS ]

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15912893200295081418

The KINKY test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15304915120826511247

My results, in order of the tests:

The Sinner
Wow, interesting! You scored53
Tisk! Tisk! Tisk! You must be ashamed of yourself. I would have to say that you definately chat naked, and if not. I'm sure you have a grand old time watching others chat naked. That's repulsive. I'll see you on Americas Most Wanted! You can't run forever!

The Sex-Fiend
You scored 41 out 45 experience and 39 out of 45 adventurousness!
You are the unprecedented. There's nothing you haven't tried, and nothing you wouldn't try again. Sex is your life. You revel in sex, and love rubbing people's faces in it. It's cool - you enjoy your sexuality to its maximum!

The Results ARE IN! You are:

81% Slut

Your above score was normalized against the average, so don't even TRY to disagree with us. Science is certain, and so are we: you are absolutely 81% Slutty.

TYPE P
You scored 91 imagination, 91 confidence, 62 dominance, and 79 generosity!
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give. This means that: You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring. You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover. You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it! You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do! WE SUGGEST YOU: get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

Curvy and Cute
Raw score: 48% Big Breasts, 59% Big Ass, and 68% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and cuter composures than others who've taken the test.

Note that you like women overall curvier than average.

My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your higher than average score suggests you appreciate a cuter, nicer look. Kudos!

Kinky bastard!
Grats! You're 80% kinky!
Well well well, you kinky bastard! Most likely you're into some weird shit, which is always great. Consider mailing the author of this test, and keep up the good work ;)

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 84% on kinkpoints

now, does anything about my results suprise anyone here? ]:)

A magician worked on a cruise ship.The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

make me think of Mae? ;\

:^0

I do believe I've broken most of those rules, and AT work too.!. Customer Service? Why yes, of course, I'd like mine served with sweet-sour souse please. No-no, it's best that I don't deal with the 'Public' :0

Congrats for finally fixing your cellphone shellbot. I am just tagging along the discussions, havent had a second spare to post ... :)

]:)

An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and this time the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The Atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sound of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, AMEN."

[b][i][u] (Assume you are a girl, even if you're not.)[/u][/i][/b]

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room
for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your
body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He
begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him
within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you
have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a
tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'?

Gotcha!!!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

About Sex

Quotes about sex by famous folks...
Tom Clancy:
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."

Steve Martin:
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey:
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

Woody Allen:
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."

Unknown:
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield:
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."

Woody Allen:
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

George Burns:
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

Camille Paglia:
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

George Burns:
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."

Henry Miller:
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 62 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision."

Lynn Lavner:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL
convertible."

Sleepin'Dawg:
"Sex is like air. You don't notice it unless you aren't getting any."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Blond Collection

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Arkansas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde
says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or
the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida..?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She
asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wis hyou guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A
SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first
on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the
blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Selected Bush'isms: (With intro by Al Franken)...

"At 22, Al Gore went to Viet Nam because he knew if he didn't, someone else from his town would have to. At 22, George Bush's Daddy got him in the National Guard. At 30, Al Gore was a congressman, George Bush was drunk. At 35, Al Gore was a US Senator, George Bush was still drunk, doing coke, and losing his Daddy's money. As someone put it, he couldn't find oil in Texas."
- Al Franken (on Conan O'Brian)

* * *

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."
- George W. Bush, St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

* * *

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
- George W. Bush, Reuters, May 5, 2000

* * *

The senator has got to understand if he's going to have...he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."
- George W. Bush, To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

* * *

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
- George W. Bush, Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

* * *

"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope."
- George W. Bush, Interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000

* * *

"This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of...You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for...We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low."
- George W. Bush, Albuquerque, N.M., The Washington Post, May 31, 2000

* * *

"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live."
- George W. Bush, Cleveland, June 29, 2000

* * *

"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
- George W. Bush, In Wayne, Mich., as quoted in the New York Times, June 28, 2000

* * *

"Teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
-George W. Bush, Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

* * *

"In an economic recession, I'd rather that in order to get out of this recession, that the people be spending their money, not the government trying to figure out how to spend the people's money."
-George W. Bush, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 16, 2004

* * *

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
- George W. Bush, Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

* * *

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."
- George W. Bush, Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

Words To Live By --- 2004

1. Do Not Walk Behind Me, For I May Not Lead. Do Not Walk Ahead Of Me, For I May Not Follow. Do Not Walk Beside Me Either. Just Pretty Much Leave Me The Hell Alone.

2. The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Broken Fan Belt And A Leaky Tire.

3. It's Always Darkest Before Dawn. So If You're Going To Steal Your Neighbor's Newspaper, That's The Time To Do It.

4. Sex Is Like Air. It's Not Important Unless You Aren't Getting Any.

5. Don't Be Irreplaceable. If You Can't Be Replaced, You Can't Be Promoted.

6. No One Is Listening Until You Pass Gas.

7. Always Remember You're Unique. Just Like Everyone Else.

8. Never Test The Depth Of The Water With Both Feet.

9. If You Think Nobody Cares If You're Alive, Try Missing A Couple Of Car Payments.

10. Before You Criticize Someone, You Should Walk A Mile In Their Shoes. That Way, When You Criticize Them You're A Mile Away And You Have Their Shoes.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Is Not For You.

12. Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach Him How To Fish, And He Will Sit In A Boat And Drink Beer All Day.

13. If You Lend Someone $20 And Never See That Person Again, It Was Probably Worth It.

14. If You Tell The Truth, You Don't Have To Remember Anything.

15. Some Days You Are The Bug; Some Days You Are The Windshield.

16. Good Judgment Comes From Bad Experience, And A Lot Of That Comes From Bad Judgment.

17. The Quickest Way To Double Your Money Is To Fold It In Half And Put It Back In Your Pocket.

18. A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot.

19. Duct Tape Is Like The Force. It Has A Light Side And A Dark Side, And It Holds The Universe Together.

20. There Are Two Theories About Arguing With Women. Neither One Works.

21. Generally Speaking, You Aren't Learning Much When Your Lips Are Moving.

22. Experience Is Something You Don't Get Until Just After You Need It.

23. Never Miss A Good Chance To Shut Up.

24. We Are Born Naked, Wet And Hungry, And Get Slapped On Our Ass...Then Things Get Worse.

25. Never, Under Any Circumstances, Take A Sleeping Pill And A Laxative On The Same Night.

26. There Is A Fine Line Between "Hobby" And "Mental Illness."

27. No Matter What Happens, Somebody Will Find A Way To Take It Too Seriously.

28. There Comes A Time When You Should Stop Expecting Other People To Make A Big Deal About Your Birthday...Around Age 11.

29. Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

30. The Most Wasted Of All Days Is One In Which We Have Not Laughed

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She
picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The
amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a
one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to
love
the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace
and
harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after
being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find
the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook
and
help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what
I
wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again."

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that all of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in
the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way around on the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and
actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.....

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.

Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottomdwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

"Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

"The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

"His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

"Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

"And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish
bad" day?"

Little Johnny applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, 'Have you ever been a salesman before?' 'No, this is my first job,' said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.'
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, 'How many sales did you make today?' 'One,' said the young salesman. 'Only one?' blurted the boss, 'Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??' 'Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars.' said Little Johnny.
'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss. 'Well,' said Little Johnny, 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.'

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?' 'No.' answered Little Johnny, 'He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's screwed - you might as well go fishing.' '

A blonde friend confided that she feared that one day she would meet God, He
would sneeze, and she wouldn't know what to say.

A guy walks out of a house of ill repute and sits down on a park bench,
deep in thought. "Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've
got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"

with a lizard on his shoulder. He tells the bartender "Whiskey for me and a beer for my lizard, Tiny."

The bartender asks, "Why'd you name your lizard Tiny"

"Obviously" says the guy,"because he is my newt".

Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize
winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage
dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

Neil, you big puffter! :p

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

You merely pointed out an inconsistancy. I wouldn't expect anything less from you.

See?? I can be reasonable.

The other day I was compiling a program. The compiler said there were 2 errors, 16 warnings, and 1 moron behind the keyboard.
the last time i was trying to fix my computer using Dos
c:\show me the files
bad command or file name
c:\help
bad command or file name
c:\please help
I said bad command or file name jerk
the error was displayed on my screen last time

system halted!!
the interpole has busted you

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

WinErr 16547 LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)"'

Runtime Error 6D at 417A32CF Incompetent User.

Windows message "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Windows 95
God called a meeting of Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates and said: "I've given you all the tools you needed to make a better world - you've blown it and I'm ending the world in two weeks."

Bill Clinton went on TV and said "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks."

Boris Yeltsin called his advisors together and said "I have bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that God exists. The really bad news is that the world will end in two weeks."

Bill Gates called his co-workers together and said "I have good news and really good news. The good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most powerful people in the world. The really good news is that we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."

Date: 11-31-88 (24:60) Number: 32769
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: ROBERT MORRIS III Read: (N/A)
Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE

Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

To prevent the spread of the worm:

1) Don't use the powerline.
2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)
3) Don't upload or download files.
4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
5) Don't read messages. Not even this one!
6) Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
7) Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.
8) Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.
9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic flui9ds of our computers can be kept pure.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important; we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

"How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting cards.)

Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia)? Working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Truth been known, I'm not the best speller on the planet. Better than the retarded kid in the head gear and all, but...we all have our limitations.

One day, you're going to step in it, and I'll be there ready to offer you a helping hand. Or a shovel.

Roses & Hanging Baskets

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains
to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is
just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Regards
Aaron

Though I honestly thought it would have read something like [b]Evolving Still[/b]. :^0 :D :^0

Col ]:)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland

asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well

over the Customs limit. I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it. Is

there any way that you could carry it for me through Customs?

Perhaps under your robes?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie"

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this was a strange answer, so asked, "And what do

you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,

but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father!"

Regards
Aaron