Friday Yuk

Oh my, they're great.

Love you twist in:
"When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot."
Never call yourself an idiot!! :D isn't it. :^0

Do have a nice long weekend, enjoy the stay of your parents. :)

Rob

edited for emoticon typo

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Rob

Have a nice weekend all (still is 25 C overhere)
I can do with a nice cold beer. :) :D
(and a "Sweating emoticon")

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

Did you hear about the race between two silk worms?

It ended in a tie..

While not a joke it sure made me laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kk15iIkKofc&search=spoof

Enjoy

The huge biker walked into the Yuppie bar in a foul mood. After demanding a beer he looked to his right and shouted, ?everyone on the right side of the room is a faggot,? then he turned back to face the bar. Dead silence. After he?d had a few swallows of his beer the biker looked to his left and shouted, ?everybody on the left side of this room is an a$$hole,? then he turned back to face the bar. Dead silence until the biker heard quick quiet footsteps crossing the room behind him. The biker whirled and shouted, ?where in the hell do you think YOU?RE going!? The Yuppie lisped, ?Excuthe me thir! I was on the wrong thide of the room!?

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes
the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God
and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his
secret - what is it with the bananas?

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

Ten Best Caddy Replies

# 10 - Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 - Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 - Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 - Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 - Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 - Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 - Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 - Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 - Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment ..

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

When a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Everyone please read as this chemical causes or contributes to hundreads of deaths each year.
http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

Here are the 10 first place winners in an International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead Raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. There was a group of friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good friars to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged them to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad it's good)....A super-calloused, fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the scurvy knave who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did. . .

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Become antimatter. There's a theory that antimatter might just be matter travelling backward in time.

Woman 1: Oh! That haircut is so cute!

Woman 2: You think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I
mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would kill for your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier. (etc...)

"Men on Haircuts"

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?" he father replied: "Well, son, you must have
gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

-----------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's
very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."

-------------------------------------------------
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a
double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked
inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he
finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered
another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll
bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer
replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."

-------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a man, took the wife aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your husband at all." "Me neither doc." said the wife. "But
he's a good provider and really good with the kids."

---------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

In case no one else's mail servers had issues with this and you haven't seen it yet...

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/mothersday.wmv

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

DR. SEUSS-
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

ROBERT FROST
The chicken crossed the road less traveled by, and
that has made all the difference.

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE
I remember that chicken. I was there when his mother gave birth. I sang poultry tunes to him as he grew, and then I held his wing as we crossed that street together. I will continue to cross the street with all American chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MOM & DAD
Don't waste time thinking about chicken's -- the important question is where he was going and what they were paying him to cross. What kind of future will that chicken have?

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

NEW AGE
The road and the chicken are one. Both sides of the road are also part of the same road. Why should we differentiate between the road or the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

we were both there, and while Barry White is supremely cool, more likely, The Ramones, The Clash or maybe Rancid was playing.. Barry IS cool, but so many beats per minute has it's merits. :)

Believe it or not, I have actually used this in training documentation...

Happy weekend all!

NOW EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...

"I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail.

I will NOT hear any music, see a taco dog, or see a cool pop up screen if DO forward an e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I have forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coke Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people who don't know who the hell I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward an e-mail ... EVER!!!!

My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an e-mail.

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS or GET WELL CARDS!

The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend ... or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in JESUS CHRIST!! If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along ... but even if it does come by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point I'm SURE I will know it will be from HIM. AND if He does, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forwards inside it!"

Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next 3 months and all of your hair will fall out!!!!

Incidentally, Happy Mothers Day for those who celebrate it!
:)

The Rules of Chocolate

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

- Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

- Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

- If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

http://tinyurl.com/fgzho

Cheers everyone

Col ]:)