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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.


I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Have a great Week End People.

Col ]:)

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My Usual Topic.....

by gadgetgirl In reply to Friday Yuk

Have a wonderful weekend all!

Hey, it's a Bank Holiday in the UK, some of us get Monday off, too!

<blows raspberry>

Four kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ?F@CK YOU!?

Messing With The Sheiks' Women

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your **** off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your **** off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

The Perfect Man

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"



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Yeah, Brilliant isn't it??

by stargazerr In reply to My Usual Topic..... :D

I love ignoring (rather than the usual, kicking) the alarm clock on a monday morning

And I can spend monday wondering about these ..

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a B_u_l_l_s_h_i_t?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ***?

23. Did you ever notice that if you **** in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Happy Friday Everyone


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Dog's face out the window

by jardinier In reply to Yeah, Brilliant isn't it? ...

Yes I like that one. How many times (forget that part -- they would be innumerable) have you seen a human taking a dog for a work for the supposed benefit and pleasure of the dog, but yanking agrily at its lead whenever it tries to sniff something?

My dog's sniffery cost me a broken windshield on one occasion. Because the outside temperature was cold, I kept the (passenger's) window shut for as long as possible, opening it only when said dog wanted to poke its nose out the window again.

As I had to lean across the car to wind down the window, eventually I ran off the road into the gravel and broke the windscreen. With a now opaque windshield, I had to navigate to the nearest town by sticking my own head out the window.

By a wonderful stroke of luck the garage had the correct windscreen for my car and the mechanic replaced the shattered one. In those days before plastic money, I only had a small amount of cash on me and the garage owner trusted me to send the money after I arrived home.

And on another occasion that same dog, on a visit to the beach, found some doggie-brand Chanel No 5 -- i.e. a dead fish. The drive home was not pleasant

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So three day's to wonder :)

by rob mekel In reply to Yeah, Brilliant isn't it? ...

Please tell me the outcome
Special the 20th is buggering me.

Actualy we have a light in the freezer. That is on opening. :)


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#2 - no they don't own

by Dr Dij In reply to Yeah, Brilliant isn't it? ...

people in Appalachia found out they don't. After signing away mineral rights in the 1800's, descendants or new owners have mining companies destroy their farms for next to zero compensation. These deeds are often done by small companies, who avoid liability for poisoned streams, etc by declaring bankruptcy if sued then reforming a new corporation with same people. Sorry to be un-funny.

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# 19

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Yeah, Brilliant isn't it? ...

I suppose out of the Boiled Baby that my young nephew asked for, for dinner one night when his little brother was only several Weeks old. :^0

Col ]:)

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this happened in developing countries

by Dr Dij In reply to # 19

people see picture on can of food. yams, peas, etc. then they see picture of a baby on can. This seriously upset them, how are they supposed to know it doesn't contain canned babies?

leaving a library, I was asked by GS at table if I'd like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. Taking a queue from Adams family movie, where wednesday is selling lemonade, next to cookie booth, I asked if they were made of 100% girl scouts.

Great hit with my gal friend who had bad experience with mean kids when she was in girl scouts

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In keeping with numbers 19 and 22

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Yeah, Brilliant isn't it? ...

If you had some nuts upon a wall, you could call them walnuts.
If you had some nuts upon a chest, you could call them chestnuts.
But what would you call some nuts upon your cheeks????

A: A BJ (**** job) :^0

Dawg ]:)

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Very funny..

by maecuff In reply to Yeah, Brilliant isn't it? ...

too bad I can never remember these things. I'm getting old..

Here's my cynics guide to life..

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me the **** alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

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I can actually imagine you turning the other cheek Good one Mae!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Very funny..

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