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[b]NEW VIRUS[/b]

[i]Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960![/i]

[b]Symptoms of the Senile Virus[/b]

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

[b]Remember???????????[/b]

[i]I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??[/i]

Have a great Week End People.

Col ]:)
http://tinyurl.com/fz854

77 replies

by gadgetgirl

Have a wonderful weekend all!

Hey, it's a Bank Holiday in the UK, some of us get Monday off, too!

Four kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ?F@CK YOU!?

Messing With The Sheiks' Women

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

The Perfect Man

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

]:)

GG

by stargazerr

I love ignoring (rather than the usual, kicking) the alarm clock on a monday morning :D

And I can spend monday wondering about these ..

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a B_u_l_l_s_h_i_t?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[b]Happy Friday Everyone[/b]

]:)

by jardinier

Yes I like that one. How many times (forget that part -- they would be innumerable) have you seen a human taking a dog for a work for the supposed benefit and pleasure of the dog, but yanking agrily at its lead whenever it tries to sniff something?

My dog's sniffery cost me a broken windshield on one occasion. Because the outside temperature was cold, I kept the (passenger's) window shut for as long as possible, opening it only when said dog wanted to poke its nose out the window again.

As I had to lean across the car to wind down the window, eventually I ran off the road into the gravel and broke the windscreen. With a now opaque windshield, I had to navigate to the nearest town by sticking my own head out the window.

By a wonderful stroke of luck the garage had the correct windscreen for my car and the mechanic replaced the shattered one. In those days before plastic money, I only had a small amount of cash on me and the garage owner trusted me to send the money after I arrived home.

And on another occasion that same dog, on a visit to the beach, found some doggie-brand Chanel No 5 -- i.e. a dead fish. The drive home was not pleasant

by rob mekel

Please tell me the outcome :D
Special the 20th is buggering me. :D ;) :p

Actualy we have a light in the freezer. That is on opening. :)

Rob

by dr dij

people in Appalachia found out they don't. After signing away mineral rights in the 1800's, descendants or new owners have mining companies destroy their farms for next to zero compensation. These deeds are often done by small companies, who avoid liability for poisoned streams, etc by declaring bankruptcy if sued then reforming a new corporation with same people. Sorry to be un-funny.

by hal 9000

I suppose out of the [b]Boiled Baby[/b] that my young nephew asked for, for dinner one night when his little brother was only several Weeks old. :^0

Col ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

If you had some nuts upon a wall, you could call them walnuts.
If you had some nuts upon a chest, you could call them chestnuts.
But what would you call some nuts upon your cheeks????

A: A [b][u][i]BJ[/i][/u][/b] (blow job) :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by maecuff

too bad I can never remember these things. I'm getting old..

Here's my cynics guide to life..

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me the hell alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

by jardinier

In case someone p*ssed in the stream at a higher altitude before you got to drink the water. :)

by rob mekel

I know we had one lately but here are some newones to:

--
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

--
Rob

by maecuff

for the most part, that's pretty accurate. Of course, while we don't always say what we mean, at least we don't have the emotional range of a gnat.. :)

by rob mekel

Marriage Advice by Kids

1. How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

2. What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

3. How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

4. What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

5. What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

6. What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

7. When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

8. Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

9. How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

10. How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

---
Have a nice weekend all. :)

Rob

by jardinier

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

by hal 9000

I'm going to have to send that to several of my clients. With a bit of luck they'll all fire me. :^0

Col ]:)

by oldmaven

At my college 5th-year reunion, a lot of my classmates were going around with their chests puffed out, saying "I'm a Doctor." or "I'm a lawyer." At our 40th, the same guys were talking about volunteer work, saying "Now that I've retired, I can do interesting stuff I really like."

by j alley

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar anymore.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same

by oneamazingwriter

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked
both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
b*stards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a**es in jail for
contempt."

by oneamazingwriter

I saved this thing all week waiting for Friday! I have one woman friend who zaps me from time to time just to be devilish, and it blew her mind when I thanked her this time because I had somewhere to put this! :D So she turned to me and said, "Beth? What ARE you doing on that computer?" ROFL (She's a librarian friend who knows what a Bambi I am.) We ALL have to get out of character if we are going to get real in this life. Y'All bring out my worst and I love you for it.

by hal 9000

Peer Mail me and I'll see what I can do to help. As the answeres provided seem about right I didn't bother to add anything as I would only have been repeating what has already been posted. But if that doesn't solve your problem lets know and I'll see what I can come up with. :p

Col ]:)

by deadly ernest

Vell here ist vun for yuo

BAPTIZING A DRUNK

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

(Are ya ready for this??????????????????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

by oneamazingwriter

Whoopee! Now I can send one back to my friend the Librarian!!! She may "throw the book at me" the next time I stop in, but it will be worth it!! Thanks, Ernest!

by deadly ernest

Christian Reminders

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live ! one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

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Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

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God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

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Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?!

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A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

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Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.

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Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

by oldmaven

From a Goon Show episode, "The Shifting Sands of Waziristan."

Bloodnok: They?re loading their cannon.

Chinstrap: By gad, sir, they?re lighting the fuse?

Sponley: They?re, they?re pointing it at us?

Bloodnok: They?re going to fire it.

Seagoon: I wonder what they?re up to.

GRAMS: Shell dropping

Bloodnok: Duck!

GRAMS: Explosion followed by hen clucking

Seagoon: That?s no duck, that?s a chicken.

Chinstrap: By gad, sir, they?re firing hens at us.

Bloodnok: A FOUL trick.

Chinstrap: EGG-sactly.

Milligan: We?re being SHELLED.

Seagoon: Stop cracking YOKES!

by oneamazingwriter

was Gracie Belle. And I got stuck with a double first name. I was born in New England and was raised as a Yankee. But where the heck did those names come from? I think some carpet bagger returned home with one of the Southern beauties stuffed in his satchel!!

by hal 9000

Finally where have you been you [b]Naughty Little Girl?[/b]

You've been missed around here now doesn't that make you feel good? :p

More importantly keep your finger nails away from that Black Board when I call you up. X-(

That falls under the [b]Geneva Conventions[/b] description of [b]Cruel & Inhumane Punishment![/b] :^0

Col ]:)
http://tinyurl.com/fz854

by maecuff

I've just been monumentally busy. Every time I check in, the threads are so long that I get overwhelmed by all the posts and just log back out.

I guess being busy is good..but I really miss my goofing off time..

BTW..I must have missed all your calls, Col..but I'll be sure to get my portable blackboard out for the next time you call. :)

by hal 9000

Instead of calling you I'll just flood your e-mail account with SPAM as punishment. :^0

Col ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

to do that to some poor unsuspecting innocent now; would you??? Yeah, I know, you would!!! :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by dr dij

people see picture on can of food. yams, peas, etc. then they see picture of a baby on can. This seriously upset them, how are they supposed to know it doesn't contain canned babies?

leaving a library, I was asked by GS at table if I'd like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. Taking a queue from Adams family movie, where wednesday is selling lemonade, next to cookie booth, I asked if they were made of 100% girl scouts.

Great hit with my gal friend who had bad experience with mean kids when she was in girl scouts ;)

by lowlands

The year was 1959 and college boy Mike went to pick up Cathy, his date for the evening. While Cathy was getting ready, her father was asking Mike about his plans for the evening. "We'll probably go to a soda shop or a movie," said Mike. Her father calmly replied: "Why don't the pair of you go out and screw?" Mike was taken aback by the suggestion. "You think we should go out and screw?" he queried. "Absolutely," said the father. "After all, you're only young once. And I know how Cathy loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her." Mike was lost for words, but reckoned it was going to be a date to remember. Shortly afterwards, Cathy appeared and off they went. Her father sat back to watch the TV but 20 minutes later, the door burst open and Cathy ran in, sobbing. "Dammit, Daddy!" she screamed. "It's called the twist!"

by sleepin'dawg

Pass the monotor wipes please.

It is probably more effective if you are old enough to have been there when the twist craze started.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by oneamazingwriter

"Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill."

before I got noisy, and by the end, I had tears in my eyes!

by sleepin'dawg

Why are you calling yourself Bambi??? You do realize that Bambi was a boy deer not a girl deer.
Judging by your avatar, you don't meet the criteria for being a boy. Just mentioning it, in passing, sort of.

No sexual harassment intended. I add this because PC has become real crazy these days. You will have to wait until I actually pinch your bottom before you can accuse me of that. Preemptive strikes are not permitted for those kind of thoughts, yet.

Have a great weekend.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by oneamazingwriter

It's only sexual harrassment if I don't like it. Otherwise it's called "Wasn't that fun?" ROFL

I'd never make it as a feminist, Dawg. I will warn you, though, that the last guy who tried to even pat my bottom got an elbow in the gut, and he was my husband! ROFL

by deadly ernest

rump steak (I am sure that is YOUR favourite), T-Bone steak (enough said there), chuck steak (Because that one got burnt while checking out TR and replying)....

by jardinier

[b]Places I'd Rather Not Live.[/b]

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

[b]It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...[/b]

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas

[b]What Would Freud Say About These Places?[/b]

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

by gadgetgirl

I work not far from No Place

North of where I live is a village called Wide Open.

A little further south of that is Pity Me ......

Oh, and in Hartlepool, they elected a monkey as the mayor!

Don't believe me?

it's here..... http://tinyurl.com/b236w

Only in Geordieland....... :D

GG

Edit: Personal note to self - remember space before emoticon!

by oldmaven

A chicken walks into a library on Thursday, goes up to the librarian, and says "Boook?"

She's surprised, but she takes a book at random, balances it on the chicken's head, and the chicken goes on down the road.

Next day, the chicken comes back, slides the book off her head, and says "Book book?"

"Now you want TWO books? Well, these should keep you busy!" And with that, she wedges Roots under one wing, and Psycopathia Sexualis under the other. Chicken moves off down the street...

...and is back next day. She dumps the books and asks the librarian "Book book book?" Librarian says "C'mon! No human being could have read those two books overnight! And now you're back wanting THREE books?" The chicken nods and repeats "Book book book!"

So the librarian puts books under each wing and a third book on her head, and slowly goes off down the street. But this is Saturday--early closing. So the librarian locks up and follows the chicken (it hasn't gotten far) until they reach a park. The chicken lays her three books down on the bank of a pond, and a frog leaps up onto a nearby lilypad, checks the titles, and sadly says "Readit. Readit. Readit."

by oldmaven

Sorry, I was being flip. The proverb merely suggests that we permit sleeping dawgs to tell untruths--not that they necessarily will.

by oneamazingwriter

I dated a guy who was a maintenance man for an apartment complex. When we went to a home show he entered a contest to see who would be the fastest to use a manual screw driver to put five screws in a board. He competed against five other guys and was delighted when he won a 10" Dewalt circular saw. He also got a certificate that he was very proud of. Yup. You guessed what it said.
I am putting myself up for sainthood. I didn't make one wisecrack. (But it nearly killed me not to do so!)

by lowlands

not one wise crack?!?!

How did you manage?
You date the guy who's the #1 screwer and not a single wisecrack.
I am impressed!

by deadly ernest

being the fastest can have many meanings and I find it interesting that you all assign the worst definition to this reported case.

the winner was clearly the fastest but he did do the job to the total satisfaction of all those involved.

Fastest can mean "first finished" or "done with the most speed". Years ago I used to work in a factory making track shoes (no not reboks - caterpiller type track shoes for armoured personnel carriers). We had two machines that had the record as being the fastest in the building.

One worked and double the revolutions per minutes of all the rest, the other had a better cooling system and could drill through the steel faster than the others. One turned fast one worked fast.

We had two workers with a reputation as the fastest. Stevo moved very rapidly between the bins and machinery (I would be tempted to say he ran, but running was not permitted for safety reasons). The other was a lazy bugger who produced more completed units per shift than any other; while the machines were busy drilling and milling I walked between the bins etc moving units up ready to go on as soon as the others were finished. And yes I was one of the few paid on a production basis not time (most were paid by the hour - I was paid per unit and usually made more).

by sleepin'dawg

Letting sleeping dogs lie goes all the way back to Greek mythology where three headed dogs like Cerebus were said to be on guard of such places as the underworld i.e. hell and were said to have had to have all heads asleep if you wished to sneak past them, otherwise one head would wake up the other two heads and the three of them would then up and devour you. There is no reference to them telling lies or truth, only the threat of being devoured. Mad Dog or MadDog is a canine pejorative applied to many athletes who play games in a no-holds-barred devil-may-care manner and the sleeping dog reference is applied to indicate you should not unnecessarily provoke them, as you are now presently finding out. This is used in full body contact sports such as football, hockey and lacrosse, all of which I've played at one time or another but with varying degrees of success and I will admit to being lousy at hockey, which as a Canadian, is somewhat embarassing.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

In which slower is really faster. ;) :^0
I wonder what that says about being on the fast track.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by jaqui

At least when I invoked you it wasn't in a nasty way :p

I claimed that I crib my good answers from you. ;)

edited for emoticon glitch... and to add...

actually I crib my good answers from Stress Junkie. :p

by sleepin'dawg

I don't care where you source your replies or answers from. I just care that I learn more from you, especially about Linux and coding, than from most on TR. I have no idea what you are making reference to but you're a source of knowledge that I wouldn't risk cutting off. Besides, I can hanle the whips but being a tad claustrophobic, restraints scare the crap out of me.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by hal 9000

Many years ago when I was working my way through Uni as a Under Grad I used to fix sewing machines and in one case the old lady who was picking up her Sewing Machine insisted that I screw it into its carry case for protection. So I did as she asked and just nipped up the 4 screws. :^0

The next day she returned and complained that no one could undo the screws and as I was temporally out when she returned everyone else in the place attempted to undo the screws without success. They where all straining like Hell when I walked back in and they all hit me with the fact that I had overtightened this machine into its case so I just walked up asked for a screw driver and with a flick of the wrist loosened off the screws that so far no one else could get to move. :D

Needless to say besides the coments that I must have had wrists like a Gorrella I wasn't asked to tighten up the screws for this woman again and none of the other staff ever allowed me to screw in a machine ever again. But when they wanted to make sure that the internal case screws where done up tight they would ask me to check them. I never fully understood why they would do this as once I was no longer there none of them would have been able to undo the screws. :p

Col ]:)

by rob mekel

don't forget the space after an emoticon if typing on. :D
[i]or is that the space before the next ?:| [/i] ;)

Rob

edited for format

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