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Friday Yuk

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Wel it isn't much of a yuk but still,

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says: I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies: I'm sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said: I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies: Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied: How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says: Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND ALL. :)

Rob

I hope the weekend won't be yuk but full of laughter. :)

edited for format

24 replies

by stargazerr

Col, That was hilarious ... Now the topic for debate is, shall I give my blonde friends the privelage of this joke? :D

~Mutters: How true .. Why didnt I think of that?~

]:)

by Former member

# /usr/bin/fortune
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter!

by stargazerr

Whole heartedly ... You must be a mind reader ... I stopped eating chocolate today .. :^0

]:)

by Member 25348569

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with groundowner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goalmouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

by dmambo

- You always have to pay attention to a backfield in motion.
- Not every team has a good tight end, but somehow they still can score a lot.
- A good safety is important to any defense.
- The ball splitting the uprights can be one of the most exciting portions of the game.
- Many teams play without a split end.
- For some, 6 in the end zone is the best that can happen on any play.
- Players with extra padding generally don't have the same range of movement.
- Often the best game plan is just to stuff it up the middle.
- A play-action fake can be very deceiving.

Please feel free to add your own!

Have a good weekend, everyone.

by hal 9000

After the Micro Surgeons conference in New York,the three leading surgeons were at the bar and,being drunk,began to reminisce over their greatest achievements.

The first,from England,said "we had a chap caught in a printing press and all that was left of him was a finger. Our team constructed a hand around it, engineered a body and when he went back to work he was so good he put 5 men out of work".

"Thats nothing",said the Yankee,"we had a worker trapped in a nuclear reactor and all that was left was hair.We made a new skull,new torso,new limbs and put him back to work.He was so good he put 50 men out of work".

The Aussie, not to be outdone,replied..." I was walking down the street when a fart wafted past.I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag and got to work.First we wrapped an a*s*hole around it, built it into a bum, attached a body to one end and limbs to the other and gradually it turned into John Howard,and he has put the whole country out of work!!"

Have a great Week End every one I'm working so I expect you all to make up for my suffering. :(

Col ]:)

by Member 25348569

Women's English

"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry." =You'll be sorry.
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"Sure ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"Is my butt fat" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

Men's English

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage. I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now.
"Lets talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

by mr.wiz

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in- law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 4.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 4.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 4.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 5.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

by jc williams

How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb???

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW ... YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!!

Heard that one today .... just made me think that I am glad that I was 4-F at the time (still am).

by hal 9000

I'm surprised that you missed that one you must be getting slower in your [b]Old Age.[/b] :p

Or are all those Poms around you have an adverse affect on you? If you like I can always open and air lock and have a lot of them sucked out into the middle of the English Channel to lighten the load on you. :^0

Col ]:)

by stargazerr

Excellent Idea Col. :^0

Old Age? Me? Naah .. Why I will turn only "Forbidden Information" this July.

]:)

~Or wait! Was that October?~

by hal 9000

That you make a promise now [b]To Grow Old DISGRACEFULLY[/b] you'll be OK with me. :D

Col ]:)

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