Community archive
A brilliant Read Through.
http://www.2spare.com/item_50221.aspx
My favorite is in the computers section: "But what is it ... good for??" :D
]:)
by rob mekel
Oh man, can't read it all @ once, tears running over .
just a short one then.
"GEORGE BUSH IS NOT STUPID CONVENTION
In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.
Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."
After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"
Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"
Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.
But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."
A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.
All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.
These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:
"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"
"
almost like the statistic maths jd does. :D
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=192105&messageID=1986467
Rob
edited for the link.
by rob mekel
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Well if this doesn't open your eyes! :D
Rob
by jdclyde
to get it wrong.....
the stats were from CNN. I just pointed it out to see if anyone could explain it.
"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"
B-)
by rob mekel
Guess I did that there and then! :)
But wasn't very clear, I guess.
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=192105&messageID=1986828
But here is the explanation
AVAILABILITY AND COST OF HEALTH CARE
Very Concerned (70%) (R)41% (D) 58%
From the 70% of the USA-citizens 41% is Republican this means 41% of 71% = 29% of all USA citizens who are very concerned about Av.+CoH C is a Republican and 58% of 71% = 41% of all USA citizens who are very concerned about Av.+CoH C is a Democrat. The 1% of 70% missing is due to math's. (maybe it was 41.2% and 58.4% and Nader (as it was in the stat 0%) 0.4%)
And so on. B-)
Hope this will help.
Rob
edited for link
by hal 9000
If you receive an email entitled [b]"Bedtimes"[/b] delete it [b]IMMEDIATELY.[/b] Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only area code 900 numbers. This virus is so bad, it will even mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
[b]IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.[/b] It will drink ALL your beer. [b]FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??[/b] It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the [b]"Bedtimes"[/b] message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
[b]WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.[/b]
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone!!!
[b]PS ?THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!?[/b] :p
Col ]:)
by stargazerr
by stargazerr
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we dont have any computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your co-operation
The Amish Computer Engineering Department
by nighthawk808
Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
DOS Beer
---------
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer
-----------
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
-----------------
Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
-----------
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
----------------
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
-----------------
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 98 Beer
----------------
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
Windows 2000 Beer
-----------------
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer
----------
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
Linux Beer
-----------
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
AmigaDOS Beer
-------------
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
--------
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
by dawgit
by hal 9000
[i]Things Not to Say to a Woman[/i]
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, [b]"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."[/b]
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Have a great weekend guys. ;)
Col ]:)
Joke 6, by David
Gareth Thomas Have a laugh with Scrum V by reading through our jokes section. More....
On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit the West coast near Aberystwyth on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.
"He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
by jaqui
that even a SHARK wouldn't eat a welshman don't you?
now if it was welshmen tossing englishmen in as bait it would be beleivable. ]:)
I've seen the joke with just about every race in either position.
I refuse to rise to your comment... :p
by jdclyde
by humph2
by stargazerr
I have only been here for less than a year. But I am curious .... Who's idea was Friday yuk, originally?? Who started this tradition??
]:)
OZ had recently taken it over from the famed GuruOfDos (GOD to his mates) who disappeared, resurfaced a while back but has disappeared again.
If OZ reads this then I think that he'll confirm that GOD started it.
Neil :D
by hal 9000
It was a [b]Mad Pom BARSTEWARD[/b] who traveled under the [b]Alias of Guru of Dos or GoD[/b] for short.
After a nasty incident he retired from TR but occasionally pops back in to drop the odd line or two though I honestly think that he now has better things to do and is my [b]Hero[/b] as he's living proof that there is life outside of IT. :p
He also has the distinction of being the first person to have an entire thread pulled from TR on a [b]Technical Issue[/b] one about Spam mainly because I think that the [b]P[/b] word was used the one that the Medical Profession uses to describe the male reproductive organ. ;)
Even OZ will admit that God was a tough act to follow. :p
Col ]:)
by jellimonsta
by dawgit
by stargazerr
GoD and Mr. yuk
]:)
by rob mekel
but I'll read it an other day.
Sun's out, bright and shining, 15 C so;
have a great weekend all, I'm going for a beer. :)
Rob
by bubba69
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. Climb things.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline'.
47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
by stargazerr
I just have to try a few of these .... I was already planning to go chill out in one of the bath tubs at Home Base :D
]:)
by sleepin'dawg
you get naked. Trust me on this. ;) :^0 B-)
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
by rob mekel
Just be nice and warn us in advance. :) ;)
Special if you take Dawg's advice in account :0 ;)
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-11189-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=192548&messageID=1987147
Rob
by stargazerr
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says, 'The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.'
The Frenchman says, 'I take ze poison.' The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, 'Vive la France!', quaffs the poison, and dies.
The Englishman says, 'A pistol for me, please.' The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, 'God save the queen!' and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, 'Gimme a fork.' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest -- everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, 'What are you doing?!'
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, 'So much for your canoe'
]:)
by sleepin'dawg
Proof of Purchase
A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat
food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told
the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat
food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food
to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for
your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the
store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most
expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this
time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people
sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then
given the dog cookies.
The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old
lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No - you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the
little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear,
can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
by hal 9000
What was worse was logging in one day and looking for the thread only to find it gone. :(
But besides some of us going off an a tangent as usual there was some very good technical info in there. :^0
Col ]:)
by jardinier
The following is not actually funny, in fact it is rather sad. But I just received it in an email and thought I should share it. It is Australian orientated, so Yanks and others may miss a couple of the points.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a shilling was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore stockings that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and petrol pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air?
Cereals had free toys hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a year if they failed. . .and they did?
When a 57 Holden was everyone's dream car? No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a .... "
and playing footy with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the shop came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember
Nancy Drew, Laurel and Hardy, The Famous Five
Secret Seven, Biggles, the Lone Ranger, Phantom,
Roy and Dale and Trigger.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket games, Hula Hoops, monkey bars, jilgying, visits to the beach and "conversation" lollies.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Lolly cigarettes
pogo sticks, marbles,
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with aluminium tops
Newsreels before the movie
Sandshoes
Telephone numbers with letter prefixes....(ABD 601).
45 RPM records
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Valiants
Washtub wringers
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
houses made of cards
Mechano Sets
That awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny lollies
3s&6pence a gallon petrol
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by goin "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "boy or girl bugs"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a ging?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
Playing cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . .I double-dare-ya!
by gaijinit
In the 60's in Ohio, USA (don't know if anyone else had these) we used to drink little bottles of milk with ur lunches. There wasno other flavor than plain milk. But we had these straws that had a flavored coating on the inside of the straw that would flavor the plain milk either chocolate or strawberry on its passage to your mouth. Yummy!
Also, do you remember 'jawbreakers'? (Big hard candy balls). Or 'atomic fireballs (VERY strong cinammon candy balls, at first hot, then as they melted, gradually less intense)?
by jardinier
Top Ten Things That Upset Your Dog
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ?
by jardinier
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson 's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
by rob mekel
An April 1 joke I just posted to following thread.
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=192596&messageID=1988745
Wouldn't you be the one that sells them! :D :^0 ;)
Rob
by hal 9000
Many years ago when I was working as a motor mechanic we used to send the apprentices away to get some [b]Crankcase Sawdust[/b] to lower the rattles from the bottom end of some very shot motors. Of course the guy in Parts only had [b] Diff Sawdust[/b] so he had them waiting until the new stuff came in. That one worked quite well and got the apprentices out of our hair for a fair amount of time. [b]But![/b]
The one that I got the biggest laugh out of was when we had in some workers extending the workshop one of the carpenters asked an apprentice to get him a square drill so he could poke a square hole in a piece of wood the apprentice being totally unfazed by this request went and got a 2 inch drill bit and ground it off square and then returned with the newly ground square drill and said [b]Here's the squared drill that you asked for now lets see you drill that square hole![/b] The look on the carpenters face was priceless and brought the entire workshop to a screeching halt and peels of laughter where ringing out every time that this guy started to drill any hole. :)
Col ]:)
by rob mekel
Nope, that sure doesn't allways work out.
Better take care what y're asking for.
Don't ever have seen a box filled with sparks tho. :)
Rob
by unclerob
Talk about a quickie!!!
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?" He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you $hit on its head."
.... AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
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