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Friday Yuk

By stargazerr ·
Where are the Australians and "We are on the other side of the time line" guys and gals today??

Happy Friday Everyone. Its going to be another star trek and junk food weekend for me. But for now ... Its Joke Time ... ENJOY

Here is one very funny way of seeing international economics from an intercultural perspective, following the example of the two cows...

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

You have two cows. You worship them.

You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.

You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

You have two cows. They are both mad cows.

You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

You have two cows. You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other one as the president.


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Well I'm sick and tired of getting laughed at, but here goes

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

They say there are only two states to be in,
Pissed and Queensland.
The presidents of Cascade (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX(Queensland), Carlton Victoria) .... were at an international beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The president of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The president of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"
The Carlton president proudly says "I'll have a Carlton, the King of Beers!"
The bloke from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Pepsi."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says,
"Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you wanna have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you wanna have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and squawked:
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Col ]:)

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Awww ... Poor You

by stargazerr In reply to Well I'm sick and tired o ...

What gone wrong?? Hope you feel better soon ....

And the parrot joke was hilarious :^0 ... I need monitor wipes ..


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by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

A guy runs in and shouts.."the weddings off", someones rooted the bride and stolen the beer.

Half an hour later the same guy appears and says, "It's ok, the weddings on again, Bluey has brought another ute load of beer".

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Ham egg & chips walk into a pub...

by Ciderick In reply to Friday Yuk

... Barman looks up & says 'sorry, don't serve bar snacks'

Man walks into a bar & looks at the specials board. It reads like this: -

Ham Sandwich $3.00
Cheese Sandwich $3.00
Ham & Cheese Sandwich $3.50
Hand Job $5.00

After reading this, the man looks up & sees the most gorgeous barmaid he has ever seen. Adjusting his shirt he wanders over to the bar -
'scues me miss - are you the one who gives the hand job?'

'Yes, that'll be me'

...'Right, in that case, go wash your hands you filthy cow & make me a cheese sandwich'.


Happy St Paddys everyone...

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A guy walks into a barber shop ...

by critch In reply to Ham egg & chips walk into ...

A guy walks into a barber shop and sits down to get a shave. When the barber comes over to shave him, the guy says, "no matter what I do, I can't get a close shave."

The barber hands him a wooden ball and tell him to put it in his mouth between his cheek and his gums. The man does so and the barber gives him the closest shave on that side. As he is switching it over to the other side, he asks the barber, "what happens if I accidentally swallow it?"

The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else."

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Eeeeeww... That's disgusting!

by MelissaAC In reply to A guy walks into a barber ...

But it did make me laugh! Happy Monday!

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A man walks into a hardware store...

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

A man walks into a hardware store and asks if they have a tool for breaking up some hard ground. The shop assistant points to a row of suitable tools along the wall and replies: "Certainly sir, take your pick."

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A man walks into a dentist's surgery ...

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know that."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on..."

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As it is St Paddy's day

by rob mekel In reply to Friday Yuk

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

If you are thinking how do I celebrate St Paddy's day the rightway, here is some help.

"St. Patrick's Day Self-Help Guide

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.

We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."

If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".

By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.

By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all ****-arsed, pig-******* bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey.

If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

The only way for a true Irishman to leave at closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it."

Now do enjoy your day all! cheers.


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Well as you know Ron about St Paddies Day

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to As it is St Paddy's day

Over here in AU we have the Commonwealth Games on and what was found outside the only open Pub at 8.15 AM 2 Irish Athletes that where performing that day and couldn't partake of their favorite brew. :^0

I don't know what they where doing out so early but they sure as hell got curry and had quite a few Liquid Poisons passed under their noses.

As they where on National TV I'm not quite sure how they explained their current placing to their coach but Trust an Irishman to find the only open Bar in a 20 mile radius. :^0

Col ]:)

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