Friday Yuk

They say there are only two states to be in,
Pissed and Queensland.
The presidents of Cascade (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX(Queensland), Carlton Victoria) .... were at an international beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The president of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The president of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"
The Carlton president proudly says "I'll have a Carlton, the King of Beers!"
The bloke from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Pepsi."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says,
"Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[b]OR[/b]

Subject: CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you wanna have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship.

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you wanna have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and squawked:
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Col ]:)

A guy runs in and shouts.."the weddings off", someones rooted the bride and stolen the beer.

Half an hour later the same guy appears and says, "It's ok, the weddings on again, Bluey has brought another ute load of beer".

... Barman looks up & says 'sorry, don't serve bar snacks'

Man walks into a bar & looks at the specials board. It reads like this: -

Ham Sandwich $3.00
Cheese Sandwich $3.00
Ham & Cheese Sandwich $3.50
Hand Job $5.00

After reading this, the man looks up & sees the most gorgeous barmaid he has ever seen. Adjusting his shirt he wanders over to the bar -
'scues me miss - are you the one who gives the hand job?'

'Yes, that'll be me'

...'Right, in that case, go wash your hands you filthy cow & make me a cheese sandwich'.

:)

Happy St Paddys everyone...

A man walks into a hardware store and asks if they have a tool for breaking up some hard ground. The shop assistant points to a row of suitable tools along the wall and replies: "Certainly sir, take your pick."

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know that."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on..."

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
If you are thinking how do I celebrate St Paddy's day the rightway, here is some help.

"St. Patrick's Day Self-Help Guide

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.

We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."

If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".

By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.

By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey.

If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

The only way for a true Irishman to leave at closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Now do enjoy your day all! cheers. ;)

Rob

7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a
blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

2. PAD PLEASE: An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and
I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and
get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
guest. - Kate Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

3. HO, HO, HO: I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came
out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our
Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - (Name
withheld)

4. LADY GOLFER: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS: A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX,
SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a
business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?" - (Name withheld)

7. MOM'S ADVICE: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and
he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at
the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to
call your Mom." She screamed. "I did," He said, "and she told me that if I
could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." -
(Name withheld)

*************************************************

[b][u]A little something to offend nearly everyone[/u][/b]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this schit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

**************************************************

[b][u]Stress Management Technique[/u][/b]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny
thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.
8. See. You're smiling already.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The dog I'm taking care of for my friends was up all night whining, so I asked the people
at the vet clinic if they could give him something that would put him to sleep.
I sure hope he feels better when I go back to pick him up tomorrow.

DUTCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one. Put that money on a high renting account. Plea with your neighbour that you will lend his bull free. Your herd multiplies and you sell the bull back to your neighbour, saying: I?ve plenty bulls and cows myself now, you can buy yours back.
(can be Scottish as well)

Rob

Q: Where do babies come from??
A: http://www.shinyfire.com/feats/google/07.jpg

Monica in her early years
http://www.shinyfire.com/feats/fantastical/monica.jpg

]:)

Australian Economics

You don't have a cow. You have a wallaby and a kangaroo. The protest when you milk them and an Aborigine comes by and hits you in the head with a didgeridoo. You fall down and are bitten by a funnel web and a fear snake. You claim to the hospital nurse that it doesn't hurt your head as bad as a day of drinking Cascade Premium.

New Zeland Economics

You don't have a cow. You have 10,000 sheep. You skip the milk and have mutton and wear a nice wool sweater.

African Economics

Your cow died. You run across the border and attempt to steal a cow. An elephant sees you and proceeds to the do the African Hopping Elephant Hat Dance on your noggin. You die.

South American Economics

You don't have a cow. You grab power through military might and round up everyone else's cows. You then sell the milk to the United States through Miami.

Mexican Economics

You don't have a cow. You sneak across the border to become a cowboy. You discover you don't like cows and end up working at a poultry plant in Arkansas and shopping at Walmart.

Canadian Cows

You have 2 cows. The polar bears eat them. You import more cows, but the polar bears eat them also. You decide to milk a moose. The moose milk isn't very popular at home, so you sell it to New Agers in America as a wonder product. You retire rich.

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE
George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 Tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to One and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day."President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and Four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
Military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.
"President Bush! I am Sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

Happy St.Paddy's Friday folks! Thought this week instead of laughing ridiculously to myself at my desk - I would share a couple of good IT quotes with ya.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled

"In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear."
John C. Dvorak

YUP, I sure am havin fun. Have a great weekend all!!! :)

Is the vice versa true ??

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/66795671.html

]:)

get out of that rut!
that's an order, #1!

Seriously, try other stuff - you've got v is for vendetta, sci fi (Egburp and Ropeburn like it!)

Rent EFC if you haven't (maybe you can't rent these as was tv series)!

Save the (multiple) galaxies iwth Hercules (I mean Capt Dylan Hunt) and the Andromeda!

And if you MUST stick with startrek, switch to Voyager!

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him! , "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was
not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a
while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell
the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it
was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,

"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop, looked over the selection and said to the salesman "I'd like one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate, please".
"I'm sorry" the salesman replied, "but we're all out of chocolate."
"In that case, just give me one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate" the blonde said.
"Lady, I just told you, we're all out of chocolate. We don't have any." the salesman sighed.
"Oh drat!" the blonde replied, "Well just give me one scoop of chocolate, then."
The salesman thought a second and said "Lady, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?"
"V - A - N" the blond replied, beaming.
"And can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?"
"S - T - R - A - W" the blonde responded, smiling even wider.
"Now, can you spell the FREAK [or your favorite F-word] in chocolate?"
The blonde thought a minute then said "There ain't no FREAK-n chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" the salesman replied.
_____________________________
Know what a wiener is?

It's a little-bitty ner.

Happy Friday

[b][u]Happy St. Patricks Day!!![/u][/b]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And
to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from
St.Mary's in 1964 me own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his
head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[b]**************************************************[/b]
[b][u]THE STUDENT HELICOPTER PILOT[/u][/b]

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a
solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone
since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her
via radio. So up the blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached
2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio.
Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly
came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in
the woods. The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if
the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was
walking out.
"What happened?", the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you
reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan".

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

What do you call a cow with a jack hammer?

A "milkshake" ! ! !

...lest he can drink all night and not get drunk.

But an Irish man isn't drunk long as he can hold to one blade of grass, and not fall of the face of the earth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here." says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing." says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, and it says here that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

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Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

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Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

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Remember..... The reason the Irish are fighting each other is that they have no other worthy opponents.

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Irish diplomacy: The ability to tell a bloke to piss off and go to hell in such a manner as to make him look forward to the trip.

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Irish Benediction

May all your beer be stout,
All of your whiskey be Irish,
All of your drunks be happy,
All of your hangovers be mild,
May you live long, die happy, and rate a mansion in Heaven,
May the roof of you house never fall in,
And those beneath it never fall out,
And may the saddest day in your future
Be no worse than the happiest day in your past

Happy St. Patricks day, and now for a pint (or maybe two), and make it Tullamore Dew, or in a pinch, Jamesons!

C'mon, guys! It's St. Paddy's Day!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Just about to reply to this discussion but I have forgotten what the topic is.

cows make everything so clear! this is my favorite cow based comparison. the last example gets me every time.
FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.