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Friday Yuk

By mjwx ·
Well its friday here. since NZJ didnt beat me to it. Have a good weekend.

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After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

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Firebreathing

by GenPhil In reply to Friday Yuk

The presidents' first name made me think of this one:

A vagrant is roaming the countryside and arrives at an inn, called George and the Dragon, which looks nice, so he decides to try his luck. The door is closed so he knocks. A woman opens the door. He asks : "Kind lady, would you have some food and drink to spare for a poor vagrant?" The landlady replies: "Get out of here you good for nothing lousy bum, before I let turn the dogs on you!" And she slams the door in his face. The vagrant waits a few moments and then knocks again. The woman opens the door an as she sees him she says: "What, you again? I told you to shove off!" The beggar replies: "Yes you did Ma'am, but I'd like a word with your good husband George please."

Have a nice weekend!

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djeeeesh

by rob mekel In reply to Friday Yuk

It does tell a lot. :^O :^O

And congrat MJWX at posting Friday's YUK before NZJ did it. Must have been a **** of a long night. :^O

But then again who will tell it to the president.
MI-6 did have there prob's with some people back in the 60's (can't remeber their names but had to do with spying) even 007 couldn't resolve.

Well all have a good weekend.
I'm off to the Alps, with a nice week of skiing.

Rob

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Politicians

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the old swamp near The parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

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You can't beat a good racial stereotype joke

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks the cost of a tooth extraction.

"?85 for an extraction, sir," was the dentist's reply.

"Och,. .have ye no got anything cheaper," replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir," said the dentist.

"What about if ye dint use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman, hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual, sir, and it could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for ?70," said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what if yer used one of your dentist trainees, and still with no anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible, but they are in training, and I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it will be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say ?40," said the dentist.

"Och.., that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watchin and learnin," said the Scotsman, hopefully.

"Hmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students, I suppose. In that case I'll charge you only ?5," said the dentist.

"Now yer talking laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can you confirm an appointment for me wife on Tuesday?"

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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the **** d'ya think you're doing?".

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Sheila," he says "Not only are you great in bed, but you're a real sport too." and drives off.

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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Irishman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Essex, Norfolk...

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Therapy

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

A young couple went to a therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have ntercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them ?50.

This happened twice a week for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not really trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges ?90. The Hilton charges ?120. We do it here for ?50, and I get ?43 back from BUPA."

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Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes

by DugaDugDug In reply to Friday Yuk

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of

grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and/or Naked Twister.

Don't you owe it to yourself to try Tequila?
Tequilla. Leave Shyness Behind.
______________________________________

Redneck Geekspeak - How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition and beer - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

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THE LARK PROGRAM

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

THE LARK PROGRAM

A Lady libertarian wrote many letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clears here in Washington. You will be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mohamed (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that, your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he is known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as attire that is more appropriate. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,


Don Rumsfeld

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Poll question

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

Poll question

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Texas Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Colt .45 Automatic, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
______________________

Texas Republican's Answer...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Reload),
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Ranger Black Talons?

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

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LOL!

by Old Guy In reply to Poll question

Originally a Republican but I just might have to cross over to the Texas Republican!!!

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I know what you mean

by jdclyde In reply to LOL!

but I don't carry a second clip yet, so I can't make the conversion yet. B-)

Waiting for M_A_R_K to add his 2 cents!

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