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Friday Yuk

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by nz_justice 1 view

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There is a Thursday one(yuk) but that wasn't very funny. Its Friday here where imaginary people live.

So here is a Friday one (Upside Down Time (UDT)) that might not be very funny either but I can't believe there is no Chuck Norris in the TR.

So here is some Chuck Norris rules.
--------------------------------------------------
Here's some facts about Chuck Norris:

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.

;)

92 replies

by Member 25348569

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water [b]and[/b] make it drink.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up - he's pushing the Earth down.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris's denim jacket is made of Batman's a$$.

On the sixth day, God said, "let there never be Chuck Norris." On the seventh day, God was in the hospital.

Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris...

Chuck Norris translated the both the bible and the koran from its original text but swapped the endings "as a laugh".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

There is no I in TEAM, there is, however, an I in Chuck Norris...Fuck_you TEAM.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fcuk down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

When Chuck Norris farts, it smells like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.

The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him.

Chuck Norris plans on putting an "i" in team.

by jellimonsta

I especially like the 'France surrendered" joke.

I guess you can take the boy out of Britian, but you can't take the Brit out the boy! :)

by dawgit

... that England was once part of France, untill Chuck Noris kicked it away, (He was going to Kick it all the way to America but Indians gave him Texas not to, so kicked it half back, That's when Ireland fell off.)

by Member 25348569

and it seems that they know about him in EnnZed too. We don't get a lot of Walker, Texas Ranger, but we did see him get his a$$ whipped by Bruce Lee in "Way of the Dragon". Thinking about it, that's the only time I ever remember ol' Chuckie as the bad guy.

It explains why Marky Mark has this thing about sheep. Chuck Norris has all of the wormen and there's only sheep left.

Ducks under roundhouse kick...

by stargazerr

In the race to make it first ... we will soon have a thursday yuk ... :D

Happy Friday everyone ... Have a Rocking Weekend

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

]:)

by Member 25348569

But it's not actually funny...

I suggested to NZ_J that he should start a few yuks when we were beating him up a while ago. As he's much closer to the International Dateline than us, he gets Friday first.

The only people likely to legitimately beat him to it are some West coast saddos who don't go to bed...

by stargazerr

the west coast saddos on the Friday Yuk a whole lot ... I am guessing NZ_J's reign is safe .. :D

]:)

by bluron

now that one was funny.
what did the elephant say to a naked Chuck Norris?
Cute but can it pick up peanuts?

by Member 25348569

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at Sainsbury. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds - a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Sainsburys. He deposited five pounds, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Sainsburys, eager to check what would happen.

He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and waited for the results.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

by jessie

5. And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. :D

by hal 9000

I haven't seen you around recently but your daughter is in constant touch with me telling me just how badly you are treating her. Really a Dial Up Internet connection is [b]Way Too Slow for her.[/b] :(

I hope things improve before she starts telling on you to others. :p

Col ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

Conservatives & Liberals - Adjusted World History - As it "Really - -
Really" Happened

Adjusted World History - As it "really - - really" happened

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and
doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and
created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative
will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true
believers."

This is our "factual" story and we are sticking to it - - - - -

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by jdclyde

why you are posting history lessons under the "Friday Yuk".

Talk about your "off topic" posters! B-)

by sleepin'dawg

are you convinced or angry??? ?:| X-( ;\ Careful how you answer. You don't want to be called a liberal weenie now; do you??? :^O

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

Animal Cruelty

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast.
However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your
chores."
A little ticked off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the
cow, he kicks it.

When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs,
he kicks one of them.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.
His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw
you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't
get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and
kicks the cat.
The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or
should I?"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

[b][i][u]The Consumption of ALCOHOL !!!![/u][/i][/b]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about TequilaR.

TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.

TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will
notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen
of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.

TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursingshould not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing
or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

New liquor warning labels: Be sure to read them all!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse

with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass
kicked.
_____

[b]Dawg [/b] ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

1981 and 2005

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Another Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... somebody please warn the
Pope!!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

The Blond and her Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just
go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to
catch herself
an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist
deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the
slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her
eyes
heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .

"SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

by sleepin'dawg

Brilliant Lines

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.

10)Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.

28)I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

29)Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

30)My reality check bounced.

31)On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.

by sleepin'dawg

Another "Fictional" Lawyer Story?

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer
paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know
that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife
and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut
off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a
mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has
learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry,
I had no idea".

And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you
think I would give to you?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by bobnray

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories ...
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

by stargazerr

I dont think they have ever Slept ... they are awake during my day hours and during my rest time ....

]:)

by jdclyde

there is only ONE west coast saddo, and he is too busy trying to find something weird to post.... :O

B-)

by jdclyde

while we all KNOW to whom the referece is made, He-who-shall-not-be-named shall not be named....

bad things happen when people say that name :O

;\

by Member 25348569

It took me about 13 years to get there and around 10.5 to get back as it was downhill. I looked around for the Eagle's landing place but couldn't find it.

by stargazerr

Maybe I will use OG's cane ... Need to be back in time for an appointment Sunday Evening ... :D

]:)

by m_a_r_k

What if you spend half your time walking and half your time running? In that case, it only takes half the time to walk to the moon, not the whole time. :^O

by old guy

it still takes the whole time from the time you start until you finish. Doesn't matter if you run part way or not. Still takes the whole time... (you know, the purple martians might be offended for slandering them if they read this.)

by nz_justice

What are NASA doing spending millions and millions of dollars building rocket ships for, they didn't even have to film the moon landing in area 51, they could of all just walked to the moon using Old guys cane.

by m_a_r_k

I didn't use it as support. I used it for a propeller. er... i guess that still means I cheated though.

by Member 25348569

Seems a strange question for 5:30 on Friday...

250,000 miles at 4mph with a break for sleep. Quicker coming back, as I said. If I'd have taken a folding bike I could have freewheeeled back once out of the Moon's gravity well.

by jzsdii

How can we get Bush to go hunting with Cheney???

Somewhere in Texas a village is missing an idiot.

Hurricanes blow, Bush sucks.

When Clinton lied, no one died.

Two thousand eight, I can't wait.

Better dead than red (states).

My dog is smarter than your president.

Send Bush to Iraq - bring our troops home.

We are creating enemies faster than we can kill them.

BU ll SH it

by jdclyde

do you really think any of that is amusing?

yuk yuk?

people make me wonder at what passes for humor these days. :(

by oz_media

Most were pretty lame, and believe me I enjoy a good laugh on Bush.

But I liked this one:

We are creating enemies faster than we can kill them.

The sad part is how true it actually is, and yet people laugh as if it's a joke.

by m_a_r_k

Now let's make it really difficult. You spend 1/3 of your time walking, 1/3 running and 1/3 dodging cosmic radiation. How fast do you have to run, compared to walking speed, in order to make the trip in half the time that it would take if you walked only and had no cosmic radiation to contend with?

by Member 25348569

Asuuming that while you're dodging ionizing radiation you are going precisely nowhere, to attain an average speed of 8mph - twice your walking speed of 4mph - you have to run at 20mph. A bit fast!

by m_a_r_k

Is that 20 meters per hour or 20 miles per hour? I could maintain a steady 20 miles per hour pace if I'm being chased by man-eating purple Martians who are riding on the backs of comets.

by Member 25348569

travel at between 45,000 miles per hour and 100,000 mph at the orbit of Earth so they'll catch you up pretty quickly!

by m_a_r_k

because the purple Martians will have to be dodging cosmic radiation as well. During this time, like me, they and their comet will be going nowhere. That should drop their average speed down to a more manageable 20 mph.

by m_a_r_k

If I run backwards, then I can turn back time. In that case it will take negative time. I flunked 7th grade math, but I'm pretty sure that a negative time is less than a whole time.

And the purple Martians are already offended. That is probably why they're chasing after me in my thread with Neil.

by old guy

M_a_r_k, if you run backwards and turn back time to accomplish this task then you will owe time. And, with a current interest rate of about 6.5 to 7% and knowing that you will probably be late in repaying the time (being from Texas, you know, you guys talk with a drawl) then the interest will jump to 26.7% compounded daily. And, eventually, Guido will be looking for you again--nevermind the purple Martians.

BTW, since you left my cane on the moon do you think you could replace it with one that has a phaser built into it? I could have really used one like that driving home this past Wednesday.

by maecuff

to Toledo, Ohio for a meeting. During the trip up and back, we saw a lot of farms with sheep. It made me think about Mark.

I saw a REALLY cute one, Mark. I could probably hook you up?

by jamesrl

Saturday night,
in Toledo, Ohio
I think that, I'd rather
be dead.

I was travelling through Ohio with no particular agenda. Stopped for Gas and coffee in Toledo. Thought better of spending more time and got back on the highway.

James

by maecuff

all that pretty. I didn't even get to go to Tony Packo's while we were there. I don't know about anything else Toledo has to offer, but Tony Packo's has good pickles..

by jardinier

If there was a competition for the best Friday Yuk of the year, I would vote for this one.

A lot of Chuck Norris movies and TV series have been shown in Australia.

As a few people posted to it, I will abstain from apologising for my unfunny Thursday Yuk.

by oz_media

These people that say HATE is such a strong word need to get a life.

I despise Bush (oooh, big strong word, he still the biggest dick on the planet though) and yet I find him as amusing as anything Barnum & Bailey has produced in the last 100 years.

He'd work out great in a travelling side show, along with the bearded lady and her cohorts. He'd made a great snake oil salesman too, he can convince everyone they need to be relieved from something and then sell a solution that doesn't work...and they STILL come back for more!
Lets just keep it as a southern travelling show though.

by jdclyde

In the last decade, I have noticed what passes for humor is more and more mean spirited, rather than witty.

guess I am just too positive a person to be amused by being mean to anyone but MARK and his sheep.... :D

maybe that is why people are more violent? being hateful is acceptable in all parts of life?

by oz_media

The most successful comedy has always been at someone else's expense. Nothing better than watching someone walk into a lamp post, yes it can hurt, but it's still pretty damn funny,at least to the majority of the living world anyway.

Should you choose to relinquish your ability to laugh at the expense of another and become the TR straight man, then by all means have at 'er.

It is a common known fact in ANY corner of the comedy world, we like to laugh at another's shortfalls. The best comics are those who laugh at themselves as well as see the funy side of others, which I do on a daily basis, but I am also the first to laugh at someone else as well.

As for a changing definition, it's ALWAYS been that way, Laurel and Hardy... we laughed at their shortcomings, Three Stooges... we laughed at their pokes in the eye and slaps in the face.

When it comes to a major public figure, it's a free for all, get over it, it's nothing new.

As for changing the DEFINITION...NO, but you have changed the spelling by losing the 2nd U in humour. That's not funny at all, that's just....American. (but I guess that would be someone else's shortcoming and therefore funny all the same.)

by jdclyde

about a simple stating of facts?

How could ANYONE get angry about the same simple stating of facts?

and you just never mind thinking about my weenie... :O
[i]
(now do you get my point?)

by sleepin'dawg

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

and....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf

The Astounding Conclusion:

The higher you go up the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by crash84

Chuck Norris ended the Vietnam war by just putting down the tailgate on his pickup truck.

by Member 25348569

Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle and, upon examination, the Zoo vet determined the problem - she was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lock forward from Swansea, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo Administrators thought they might have a solution.

Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a shag with the gorilla for 500 pounds?

Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."

"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The Zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Gareth........ "could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid."

by jdclyde

last time I heard that one, it was a Brit, not a Swansea...... :O

guess it is still just as funny, as long as it is one of them "foreigners"! ;\

[i](oh my.. )

by bluron

if the problem was only she was "on heat" then it would only be necessary to take her of the heating pad. now if she was "in heat" then your fine young lad would be necessary

by oz_media

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what
his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says, "Make 'em all ugly again".

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE . . BE HAPPY.

by rebelflag

If you ask a psychiatrist most will tell you that humor is not an expression of happiness, it is an expression of releif. Most people laugh at something, because in their subconcious they are glad that the incident did not happen to them. For what it's worth.

by jdclyde

I have a video clip of brit humor.

It has a drunk stagger out to his car and try to open the door.

A "bobby" asks him "esscuse me sur, but have ye been drink'en?"

The man replies, "Aye, just a wee bit".

The Bobby then says, "then ye wouldn't mind submitting to a bit of a sobriety test, would ye? Would ye have sex with mu partner here?"
He steps back and this butt ugly woman is there smiling.

The man replies "Aye!" with a big grin on his face.

The two bobbys look at each other, then the first bobby says "cuff him".

by maecuff

My stepdaughter spent a month in Toledo (Spain) last Summer and would have been happy to stay there indefinately. She's going back in the fall for 9 weeks and is already getting all antsy about it.

by Member 25348569

You were worried - first trip away from home, Spanish wine and beer, sunshine, Senors...

She obviously made it back in one piece, then. :)

I knew there was a reason why my subconscious knew better than I did and made me post that link! This belongs in Abs's objectivity thread but I don't think I'll move it now.

Tell her to get a train over to Barcelona for a couple of days and spend an evening in the Ramblas. Also, if she can make it, a train to Sevilla for the Alcazar and Cathedral and by train up the Guadalquivir via Cordoba to Granada for the Alhambra to see what Islam can do on a really good day.

Spain is smaller than Texas (just bigger than California) so it's easily done.

by maecuff

take a trip to Barcelona, Madrid and Valencia (Don't know if I spelled those right!) and loved every place she visited. Didn't much care for the bull fights though.

I'll print your suggestions off and give them to her, it will give her something else to pine for while she's waiting for the months to go by..

by Member 25348569

I'm glad she enjoyed it and that mother is (mostly?) over her fears.

Railway is a pretty good way to get around. Toledo to Madrid and then to Seville on the high-speed train in an afternoon. Then Seville->Cordoba->Granada, back to Madrid and then Toledo.

I did the circular trip years ago from Madrid and I found it such a nice way to travel.

Wish her a ?buenas vacaciones!, whatever she does.

Neil :D

by maecuff

but not COMPLETELY over my fears. But I don't think that will ever happen. She's got a bad combination of being very naive and thinking she knows everything. I guess I may have been that way when I was 20, but I don't think so..

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