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Friday Yuk

By jzsdii ·

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The Club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines;She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine that simulates an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*it too.

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

I hate that ***** Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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drinking husbands

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the *** and shout, "WHO'S HORNY!!!"..." and she acts like she's asleep every time.

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by jzsdii In reply to drinking husbands
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by Ken_shin In reply to Hehehehe

Nice try but sounds so unfair to women out there.

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by jdclyde In reply to Awesome!

believe me, the wonderful women of TR (need to get that calendar!) can handle them selves (and I like to watch) and give as good as they get
(just watch for that strap on... )

Besides, I bet half to the chicks here will be forwarding it to all of their friends before lunch time! ;\

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Before Lunch time??

by stargazerr In reply to so?

Didnt even wait or breakfast ....

Good stuff is meant to be shared ... ;\


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Well in that case

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Awesome!

Pull up a chair beside the TR Water Cooler and have a few drinks you're sure to feel better after the visit.

Col ]:)

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Just to add on....

by Ken_shin In reply to Friday Yuk

Cuz Im a woman.

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Don't post a complaint on the yuk

by neilb@uk In reply to Just to add on....

Post revenge! Find an anti-man funny and get it up here!

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That is waaay too easy

by maecuff In reply to Don't post a complaint on ...

besides, mostly, the jokes about men are just too close to the truth to be anything but sad..

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Does that mean

by jdclyde In reply to Just to add on....

you can't have a sence of humor?

If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? I get PLENTY of jokes about men all the time and I don't lose ANY sleep over it.

anything posted in the yuks are not meant to be mean, so step back and try again. If at that time you still have ruffled feathers, then I would venture to say this is not a discussion you will enjoy.

have a grand FUN friday.

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