Friday Yuk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY!!!"..." and she acts like she's asleep every time.

Three specifics this week ? as in, specifically for certain peeps round the water cooler??

For Dawg, in Ying Tong Land?..:x

After many returns to the local Chinese a man gathers enough courage
to go in and ask the beautiful Chinese girl who serves behind the
counter who he's fancied for ages for a date. Surprisingly she agrees
to go out with him the following week.

That week he took her out for dinner and managed to get her back to
his place afterwards. Both of them drunk, they pounce on each other as
soon as they walk through the front door. He gets her up to his
bedroom and tears off her clothes then dives in.

During the heat of the moment he says, "How about a sixty-nine?"

"What!?! I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

For jdclyde ? after all the cooking for country girl, he may want to consider a diet?..!:p

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT-LOSS DURING SEX
--------------------------------------------

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
-------- ---------------

REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent 12
Without partner's consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BED:
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION:
For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72
If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room.

INSERTION:
If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274

ORGASM:
Real 27
Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS:
Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT:
After orgasm 0.5
A few moments before orgasm 500

PENIS ENVY:
For woman 3
For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS:
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT:
By partners' spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian: Man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian: Woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English: Side by side with lights off 10
Scots: Woman on top, man on whisky 69
American: Both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE:
Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150

And finally for jck, before he embarks on his quest to find Irish adoptive parents, marry an Irish girl, or somehow get Irish citizenship from somewhere!!! ]:)

The Kingdom of Irish Sex
------------------------

THE PREPARATION

Friday night is very much love night for the Irish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac -
12 pints of Guinness and some fish and chips - his mind set on one
thing...
Love!

Or as he says himself, "a ride."

His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with
gentle words of passion
"Any chance of a ride then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin,
is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with
the flirtatious reply
"Would ye ever feck off!!!"

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed.

This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-
fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid mark side down, as
he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant

"Here we go, here we go, here we go."

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher.
This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's ould willie winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow
to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will
offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as
"Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly
"It never happens to the milkman."

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irish man. He approaches his wife
with a cheeky invitation,
"How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?"

The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies
smiling happily in a bedside tumbler.
"Go on then," she says, "but don't disturb me."

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in
his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from
severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife
using the poetic phrase
"Ah feck, I've shot me load."

If this does occour it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman
likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole."
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word or two of
encouragement such as
"Are you sure it's in?"

Given his level of sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes form of a breathless shout
"Ooyah, ooyah, big boy!"

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and
commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like the Irishman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Enjoy! Have a wonderful weekend all

(I will! Going out on Saturday night for the first time in a year on a non-work night out! Wonder if I can remember how to stay awake!!)

:D

GG

(or, Jaqui, MM!!)

It was entertainment night at the old folks home, and Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience, ALL TOGETHER!"

There was an excited buzz in the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH|T!"

It took three weeks to clean up the old folks home

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered,

"The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"Me."

Do stairs go up or down ??

Can a person with no ears wear glasses?

If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it???

Can an unborn baby fart or burp???

]:)

[b]believe me, the wonderful women of TR[/b][i] (need to get that calendar!)[/i][b] can handle them selves [/b][i](and I like to watch)[/i][b] and give as good as they get[/b][i]
(just watch for that strap on... :O )

Besides, I bet half to the chicks here will be forwarding it to all of their friends before lunch time! ;\

International Rules of Manhood

1 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2 It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

3 Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4 Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually
marry her.

6 Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11 It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

12 Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Issue closed.

15 If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just
greedy.

19 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex
pending your response.

21 Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24 The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25 It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26 Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28 There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Why I fired my secretary . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife,kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

]:)

fire up the boat and come pick me up. we can swing by and get girli and do this up right! (you HAVE seen that post, right?)

will just have some sheep off on the side to keep MARK distracted! ]:)

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of eachone in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at
a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin .

When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fallsilent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

It hasn't affected my sisters though !!

There was a BBC/Canadian co-production of a cartoon TV series called Bob and Margaret, and Bob's Birthday was the inspiration - the movie did so well it inspired a series and endless jokes about bad english teeth.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106446/

James

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind.

To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets

1. The pets live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)

3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:

- they don't ask for money all the time

- they are easier to train

- they usually come when called

- they don't hang out with drug-using friends

- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and - if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. :-)

At the plant I work at we have safety cards that we fill out and turn in for every safe or unsafe act that we observe. Employees are assignes a number to keep the individual anonymous. These card are then reviewed by safety and posted in a pdf with corrective action taken or with what needs to be done. Here is just one of the cards that was posted with resonses from the observer and saftey.

Observed-
Guard driving in unsafe area-too
close to storm pond-could have fallen
in.

Action taken-
Told security to not drive over
there-unsafe

How to prevent (response from safety)
Let him drive into pond -good rescue
training opportunity

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Pull up a chair beside the TR Water Cooler and have a few drinks you're sure to feel better after the visit. :p

http://tinyurl.com/dzbvu

Col ]:)