Friday Yuk

A long while ago, I picked up an Isabelle Allende book that I wanted to read at a book sale. I didn't actually open the book until I got home, when I did, I found that it was written in Spanish. No problem. I decided I would translate the ENTIRE book, and pick up some Spanish in the process. The first sentence in the book should have translated to "My daughter is 27 years old." What I got back from the language translator was "My daughter has 27 anuses". I gave up and bought the book in English.

Feel free to exercise your imaginary rights under whatever Amendment you care to...

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Things that a Republican believes:-

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a religious conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle your long-time allies, then demand their cooperation.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

I got these from my wife.

Women's Bumper Stickers

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

6. Coffee, chocolate, men. . . Some things are just better rich.

7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.

8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

10. I'm out of estrogen-and i have a gun.

11. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

13. And your point is...?

14. Warning: i have an attitude and i know how to use it.

15. Of course i don't look busy...i did it right the first time.

16. Do not start with me. You will not win.

17. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

18. All stressed out and no one to choke.

19. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

20. How can i miss you if you won't go away?

21. Sorry if i looked interested. I'm not.

23. If we are what we eat, i'm fast, cheap and easy.

24. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

but it's [b]your[/b] politics!

Trust me, to a foreigner like me it's hilarious! But we have our own issues. I'll see if I can find and post some comparisons!

Neil :^O with some ;\

Ever wonder why women and men dont understand each other. Here are 7 examples of why we never seem to understand the opposite sex. Keep in mind this is just the begining. I am sure you can think of some others.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female Any part under a car's hood.
Male The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)

Female A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.

Female A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.

There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?