Jocks vs. Nerds
The answer to the eternal question: "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"
? Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute at an average of 30 minutes per game.
? With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
? If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
? If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
? If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
? He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
? He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
? If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
? If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
? He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
? Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
? If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
? He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
? He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
? While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
? This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents have for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
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How to Install Software
"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
by Dave Barry
from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads,
as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such
other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to
the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do
us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders
keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't
forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name
of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one,
and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard
drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^ )$*!#$_$*^^&.
11. At this point your computer system should become less
functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even
when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain
to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged
3 through 12.
*********************************************
More idiotic phrases
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-thru teller machines?
6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, so they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
41. Why do people say "tuna fish"? They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"!
*************************************************
One for the guys
We're always hearing "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - well now hear the guys' side - These are our rules! Please note ... these are allnumbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
Thanks all i got for now.
Have fun.
And may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
