Friday Yuk

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

]:)

I?ll be thinking of you all this afternoon (not!) ;\ whilst out for my Xmas ?Do? ? note, Neil, it?s not yet a Winter Event here! :D Aperitifs, lunch, drinks, more drinks, oh, I know?????.. I?m predictable!

To keep you amused as I will be well and truly away for the rest of the day, here?s a few to keep you going?.

You know you?ve had too much Christmas cheer when?..

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

And a Q & A Session for you?..
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay ?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A. They don't stop for directions.

And lastly, for my Good Dawg?.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bar man gave her one. ;\ ]:)

Have a wonderful weekend, all, and please send sympathy for the low flying hangover I just know is going to land on me in the morning??:(

GG

Nun walks into a Catholic clothing store, and says to the priest running it:

"Father, I have a bad habit I need to get rid of."

(I know...boo...best I could make up on my own :^O )

Subject: The Raised Security Levels...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune." Bill said with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?" So, Hugh gives Bill her number and bill sets up a date. They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies, "Thank you Bill...And now I know how you chose the name... Microsoft."

]:)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

December 1 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

December 2 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

December 3 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?

December 7 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

December 8 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earthbased goddessworshipping" employees, but we'll try
to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

December 9 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

December 10 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

December 14 Memo

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

I'll drink to that!

we'll have nun of that here....hahahahaha :^O

Choke a smurf, what colour does he turn...?

I like to keep more of a rosary outlook. :-)

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated,
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a precious little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"

And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

that we can get some kind of confirmation of that... :)

..be Nicene about the whole thing?

To get a laugh out of these but unfortunately

no pun in ten did

just aren't rite...

Because of my church denomination, I am always Anglican to do stuff like this. :-)

That is your cross to bear.

The acolytes in my church take care of that!! And it is their Rite II!!

T?was the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic energy was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness, when upon the arenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance, that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble it became instantly apparent to me that he was our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic acclaim predicates, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen -- ?On Dasher, on Prancer.....?et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels, which had accumulated on the walls of said pathway. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings, which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His visual input centers were scintillating with the reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of albino?s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus Avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supra- labials resembled nothing so much as a loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small tabular, and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impected fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigeniarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By swiftly lowering, then elevating one eyelid and rotating his cranium slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery from that dorsally transported woven container. Upon completion of this task, he executed an about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating(in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement heretofore observable chiefly among the seed bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his vocalization beyond the limits of visibility: ? Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to the selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubrious, beneficial, and gratifying, pleasurable period between sunset and the dawn.!?

A magician goes to a bar. A rat jumps out of his pocket up onto the bar and lights up a stogey. The rat smokes stogey after stogey and the bartender finally complains to the magician.
The magician says, " What do you expect me to do, pull a habit out of a rat?"

Sea World was having an embarassing problem with their dolphins. It seems that they always wanted to mate during the daytime and children were asking embarassing questions. The execs talked with a dolphin expert and found out that dolphins never mated right after eating so they made a new policy to always feed the dolphins just as the gates were opening. One of their favorite foods are baby sea gulls, so each morning the trainer would go down to the tanks with a bucket of baby sea gulls and feed them. One day he was going to the tanks and noticed that Leo was laying in front of the door. Leo is a toothless clawless lion that Sea World has adopted as a pet. The only way for the trainer to get to the dolphins was to crawl over Leo. As soon as he did, he was arrested by the vice squad. They got him for:

Transporting young gulls over a staid lion for immoral porpoises

A couple of years ago, a police department received several complaints from women in the area. It seems the women received phone calls from people informing them that if they stood in front of their windows at a certain time, nude from the waist up; they would get a free mammogram from a satellite.

I dont smoke either

]:)

[b][u]The Royal Wedding Night[/u][/b]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

[b][u]European Terror Alert Status Update[/u][/b]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I'd father not think about this stuff.

Cute

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss
suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I
tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of
grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell
phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite
navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an
Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his
Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints
out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the
young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's
correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give
me back my dog."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Important points to note when ordering pipes - please keep to
specifications.

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by a solid material
which is centered around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of
different length to that of the surrounding material.

The ID (inside diameter) of all the pipe must not exceed the OD (outside
diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside and the pipe will be
referred to as rod.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

Pipe is sometimes supplied without rust; this can be applied at the job
site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If
available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a
great deal of time at the job site.

All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE"
clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is
a long pipe.

Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE"
painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
short pipe.

All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify
left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.

Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.

All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do
not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3 mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring
many joints. They are generally known as "washers".

Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those pipes for
compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
recommended for concrete or vitreous clay pipes.

Other items are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube,
Tunnel, Duct, Culvert, Straw or Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

When shortening pipes, ensure to shorten the length. Shortening the height
or width produces two troughs, which are open ended holes.

for those of a scientific bent ......

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as
well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

In case you're wondering, I'm trying to find a specific joke in my computer, and all these other goodies turned up.
*********

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my OWN pants.
**********
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
**************
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

She hit me.
****************
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
**************
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here
***************
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
**************
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
**************
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
**************
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
************
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
****************
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
************
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
**************
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
**************
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
***************
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
**************
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

And a very Merry Christmas to you all.