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Friday Yuk

By stargazerr ·

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio." "Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. "It's not that simple," the clerk scolded. "You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search." "Okay," I said. "I'll take one." He rummaged under his counter, then went to ask some other clerks, who did the same -- only to return and confess, "You'll have to come back later. We can't find the forms."

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

While sightseeing in Kentucky, we stopped to take a tour of Mammoth Cave. A visitor in our group, looking up at the huge, domed ceiling, asked the guide, "Has there ever been a cave-in?" "Never," he reassured us. "But if it did, look on the bright side. Where else could you get buried for $2.50?"

Living in a dry county was the bane of my friend Robert's existence. He was complaining to me one day about having to make a 60-mile round trip to get his favorite brand of bourbon. "I buy it by the case," he said."Are you addicted to that stuff?" I asked.Robert thought for a second. "I don't know. I've never run out."


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Is Windows a Virus??

by stargazerr In reply to Friday Yuk

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.


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Windows a bug, eh?

by swgoldwire2546 In reply to Is Windows a Virus??

If Microsoft Windows XP is a BUG, then the future Microsoft Windows Vista will be a BUG too, just like the previous versions of Windows before Windows XP.


The post-script: Are viruses BUGS too? If they are, those BUGS are LETHAL!!!!

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Continuing the personal theme of last week's Yuk

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk

One for Tony H.

If our American friends miss the more subtle cultural references - use your imagination and substitute the region of choice.


If Star Wars was set in Yorkshire

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Kendray and called Spanner. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Barnsley or England top.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress 'that dome-edded get'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or **** on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from Athersley said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a knacker-faced poof from Sheffield.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a St Georges Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your ar$e every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed through Grimethorpe and tell the locals it was full of Cockneys or leave it unattended in Alhambra car park.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this" translation: "Am Kackin Missen"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." "Come right art you bastards Al tek ont lotton yer"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." "Bugger the mumbo - wot tha needs is a chuffin gret crickit bat"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker -"The Force is strong in this one" "Thar allus Laikin abart, theee"

Princess Leia - "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?" "Ah dint think they took shortarses in t' coppers?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade." "We nackered in this peece er crap"

Admiral Motti - "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader." "You think you're that hard, yer southern get - artside!!"

Obi Wan - "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." It's looking black over Bill's Mother's"

Luke to the Emperor -"Your overconfidence is your weakness." "You think yer really summat, dunt yer"

More later....

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That was ...

by stargazerr In reply to Continuing the personal t ...

absolutely hilarious ... :^O

It has taken me 10 minutes to write this, I am laughing so much


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What a "get" or "git" anyway?

by gralfus In reply to Continuing the personal t ...

I've heard it on Monty Python, and assumed it was short for ijit or idiot.

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If I may ...

by stargazerr In reply to What a "get" or "git" any ...

Git is an English slang Idiot or Ijit ...


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Get and Git where I come from

by neilb@uk In reply to What a "get" or "git" any ...

I wouldn't say that the absolute translation was "idiot". There is a quite different meaning to the words.

Gits are invariable men and usually unpleasant. They may be idiots as well but it's not obligatory and not assumed. It is a serious insult although, in the English way, friends and colleagues would use it if they thought your behaviour warranted it.

"You miserable old git!" has been used about me when I'm feeling grumpy and I'm not an idiot by any means!

Get means - roughly - progeny or offspring and is the source-word for git.

Supplied free by Neil's Translation Services for the purpose of fostering mutual trans-Atlantic understanding and other such bollocks.

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Cool Neil

by stargazerr In reply to Get and Git where I come ...

So I was a bit confused all this time ... I use the word GIT a lot though .. (Most of the people around me deserve it )


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Love it!

by NickNielsen In reply to Get and Git where I come ...

I spent several months in East Anglia & London with the USAF and heard several such expressions. I later discovered that I could swear using these expressions and nobody understood that I was cussin'!

Can I assume from your response that "ignorant git" isn't redundant? I use both that and "bloody ignorant git" quite often in traffic on the interstate...

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A touch of tautology never hurt anyone

by neilb@uk In reply to Love it!

"Ignorant Git" is fine. "Bloody" merely adds the sometimes necessary emphasis. "Bloody stupid ignorant git!" is tautologous but acceptable in times of extreme road stress.

Supplied free by Neil's Translation Services for the purpose of the standardisation of Anglophonic insults.

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