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Friday Yuk

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by stargazerr 1 view

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HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE :D

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio." "Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. "It's not that simple," the clerk scolded. "You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search." "Okay," I said. "I'll take one." He rummaged under his counter, then went to ask some other clerks, who did the same -- only to return and confess, "You'll have to come back later. We can't find the forms."

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

While sightseeing in Kentucky, we stopped to take a tour of Mammoth Cave. A visitor in our group, looking up at the huge, domed ceiling, asked the guide, "Has there ever been a cave-in?" "Never," he reassured us. "But if it did, look on the bright side. Where else could you get buried for $2.50?"

Living in a dry county was the bane of my friend Robert's existence. He was complaining to me one day about having to make a 60-mile round trip to get his favorite brand of bourbon. "I buy it by the case," he said."Are you addicted to that stuff?" I asked.Robert thought for a second. "I don't know. I've never run out."

]:)

155 replies

by stargazerr

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

]:)

by swgoldwire2546

If Microsoft Windows XP is a BUG, then the future Microsoft Windows Vista will be a BUG too, just like the previous versions of Windows before Windows XP.

-swg

The post-script: Are viruses BUGS too? If they are, those BUGS are LETHAL!!!! :D

by Member 25348569

One for Tony H.

If our American friends miss the more subtle cultural references - use your imagination and substitute the region of choice.

-------------------------------------

If Star Wars was set in Yorkshire

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Kendray and called Spanner. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Barnsley or England top.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress 'that dome-edded get'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from Athersley said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a knacker-faced poof from Sheffield.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a St Georges Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your ar$e every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed through Grimethorpe and tell the locals it was full of Cockneys or leave it unattended in Alhambra car park.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this" translation: "Am Kackin Missen"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." "Come right art you bastards Al tek ont lotton yer"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." "Bugger the mumbo - wot tha needs is a chuffin gret crickit bat"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker -"The Force is strong in this one" "Thar allus Laikin abart, theee"

Princess Leia - "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?" "Ah dint think they took shortarses in t' coppers?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade." "We nackered in this peece er crap"

Admiral Motti - "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader." "You think you're that hard, yer southern get - artside!!"

Obi Wan - "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." It's looking black over Bill's Mother's"

Luke to the Emperor -"Your overconfidence is your weakness." "You think yer really summat, dunt yer"

More later....

by stargazerr

absolutely hilarious ... :^O

It has taken me 10 minutes to write this, I am laughing so much

]:)

by Member 25348569

I wouldn't say that the absolute translation was "idiot". There is a quite different meaning to the words.

Gits are invariable men and usually unpleasant. They may be idiots as well but it's not obligatory and not assumed. It is a serious insult although, in the English way, friends and colleagues would use it if they thought your behaviour warranted it.

"You miserable old git!" has been used about me when I'm feeling grumpy and I'm not an idiot by any means!

Get means - roughly - progeny or offspring and is the source-word for git.

Supplied free by Neil's Translation Services for the purpose of fostering mutual trans-Atlantic understanding and other such bollocks.

by Member 25348569

More lines rendered into local. My favourite is the last one. I don't think we have any Glaswegian peers. Gadget's closest...

--------------------------

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

:D

by stargazerr

Your New First Name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

Your New Last Name:
3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name.
4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
1: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
2: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
3: Insert the word "of"
4: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

So I am Miccl Shnew, Krasca of Clarinex.

by old guy

Now these are hilarious--even though I had to skip over a few of the last Star Wars lines. Best of the Windows!

by maecuff

I'm going to have new business cards made up..

Micco Frlos, Sbmmal of Synthroid.

by stargazerr

Bows ... (and my light sabre falls on my foot, OW, OWW, OWWWW) ...

Before you tell me, I know, Horrible joke :D

]:)

by dmambo

You maintain your status as the Gutter Moth by taking meds with "Dong" in the title. Ashamed of you the Lamkin is.

by swgoldwire2546

I am quite certain you MUST have your light sabre at the ready! :D

-swg, aka Shego Gobro, Erinol of Dimetapp, aka Sherika Worrell Goldwire!!! :D

by dmambo

That is NOT a cool title. I either need to choose a different malady or you need to change to rules!!!!

by stargazerr

Sorry Mambo ... You are stuck forever with your star wars title ... Jedis do not change the rules of The Force ..

Maybe you can be R2D2 ... :D

]:)

by old guy

Of course, one of the active ingredients is, Phenylephrine HCl. That could take some of the embarrasment out of it.

by jdclyde

go take a mydol or an advil or something!

[b]
Question. It said last medication your have TAKEN. What does Preparation H taste like?[/b]

[i]Reminds me of the old joke so I will say it![/i]

Man is having "problems" going Number Two.
Goes to see a Doctor who perscribes some supositories and tells him to come back in a few days.
A few days later, the man comes back and the doctor asks how things worked out?

"Terrible! For all the good they did me, I could have shoved them up my A$$!"

:D

by dmambo

I am not the real Lamkin. When I showed this to my daughter, she pointed out the I constructed my honorific incorrectly. (I used the first 3 letters...)

But to add intrigue, I shall continue to pose as the real Lamkin of Preparation H until the Empire um... um...someone please help me out with the story line here.

by stargazerr

Jefee Ebay (as in the shopping site), Idiot of Sadist :^O

But I still like Lamkin better :D

]:)

by m_a_r_k

What do you do if you can't remember the last medication you took? (Strange coincidence, in another discussion today I wrote that I have a lousy memory.) I drank a cup of coffee yesterday. Is caffeine a medication?

I hope I got this right...
Marne Hucas, Nnache of I-Don't-Remember

by stargazerr

That can be allowed ...

Absolutely Hilarious :^O

By the way...check this out ... STAR WARS ASTROLOGY

Star Wars Character You Are Most Like

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Star Wars Character : C3P0

You are an uptight whiner, always saying things like "Oh no!Stormtroopers!" or "Now we are all going to die!" You really gotta loosen up. I mean, you can't spend your whole life wandering around worrying about everything. Sit back, relax,
have a beer. But don't spill any beer on your arm. I hear that stuff is like ACID when it
comes in contact with metal.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Star Wars Character : R2-D2

Beep-whizz-bang-beep. Beep-beep-beep-beep.
Whir-swin-beep-beep. BEEEEP-beep.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Star Wars Character : Jabba the Hutt

You think you are powerful, but the power you have over others comes from their fear, not their respect. Beware, fat man, for some day those who you now take so much pleasure in controlling will turn around and kill you. Beware of Princesses wearing chains around their necks.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Star Wars Character : Darth Vader

You are evil and powerful. People may not like you, but they respect you. You can kill people with just a thought. You can move large objects with just a thought. Your voice sounds really stupid though. Buy some cough drops!

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Star Wars Character : Obi-wan "Ben" Kenobi

You're old, and you dress funny. Beware of Cancers carrying light sabres.

VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept. 22)

Star Wars Character : Yoda

Yoda are you like. Funny talk you. But beyond your years wise are you. Hmmm. Hmmm. Downside there is always. Wise may you be, but ugly and short are you also.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Star Wars Character : Storm Trooper

Cannon fodder. No one respects your talents and ambitions. You are treated more like a number then a person. "Do this!" "Do that!" People are
always telling you. How come you always get stuck with the crummy Joe Jobs, like writing the Horoscope for the party newsletter. Just once don't you wish you could have some of
the glory? Some of the fame? That you could take off the uniform you wear and run around and say "Look atme! I'm special! I'm different!" Don't you wish that you could . . . (the sounds of laser blasts hitting Storm Trooper armour. Han
Solo and Luke Skywalker step nimbly over the now dead body of the Storm Trooper. Some of us are meant to be Queen Bees, and some of us our meant to be Worker Bees. Libras are the worker bees. Get used to it.)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker

Yes, you are like Luke, but more from the first movie when he was just a whiny little brat who knew nothing. Maybe with time you too can grow
strong and powerful, but more likely you will end up like Mark Hamill, the only person associated with the movies who never became truly famous.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Star Wars Character : Evil Emperor

Sure, you are probably one of the most powerful people in the universe, but you really got to work on your people skills. I mean, try giving the occasional compliment. And brush your teeth. They look disgusting. Doesn't your appearance mean anything to you? You are supreme ruler of the
galaxy, you should be able to afford a face lift. And get some new duds. Those long robes are so dark ages! Try the Gap, they have nice stuff.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Star Wars Character : Han Solo

You are smooth and cool under pressure. You are daring and adventerous. You are environmental unfriendly (come on, driving around in an old bucket of bolts like the Millienium Falcon. I bet it doesn't even pass California Emmission standards). You are politically uncorrect (First, you wear leather, which means you don't care about
animal rights. Secondly, you don't give Princess Leia the respect you give Chewie because she is a woman!). You're lucky you haven't crossed my
path yet, mister, because I would have you up on Sexual Harrasment charges before you could jump to light speed! You thought carbon freezing was bad, wait until you come up against the BNR Sexual Harrasment Committee.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Star Wars Character : Princess Leia

You kissed your brother. That's gross. I *REFUSE* to do a horoscope for some incest-loving sicko! I have morals, you know! God, you are disgusting.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)

Star Wars Character : The Snow Beast

Remember when Luke got captured at the beginning of "The Emperor Strikes Back" by that big snow monster? Didn't he look like the Snow Monster from the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special where the elf who wanted to be a dentist pulled his tooth? I think he did. Oh, yeah, you are like the
snow beast because it lived in the snow, and when snow melts it becomes water, and water is what fish swim in, and Pisces is the sign of the fish. enough said?

]:)

by jkaras

I am Jefka Miwas, Sarcam of Zpac "I'm not afraid. You will be,...you will be." too funny where did you get this formula? Or did you make it up? either way neato.

by stargazerr

And again the light sabre falls on my foot .... Hoppity Hop hop .... OWWWWW ...

]:)

P.S I made it up :D

by mattit

You can easily pronounce mine.. I was hoping for something far more difficult:

Matwe Stoco Rengra of Supplemental

by stargazerr

To make up for it ... you can make fun of lamkin .. :^O ..

Sorry mambo, couldn't resist

]:)

by swgoldwire2546

Okay here. I took your instructions regarding the Star Wars name, and I call myself Shego Gobro, Erinol of Dimetapp.

YYEEAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!@#$%&*^WHAT IN TARNATION IS THAT?!?!?

I am sooooo laughing out loud!!!!

-swg

by hal 9000

Post too early for a Friday Yuk :(

But as I'm currently in the "Bad Books" because I bent "She Who Must Be Obeyed" car this week actually quite badly, I'm on confined time when it comes to computers and no work doesn't count as anything else other than computer time.

I'm only allowed to use a computer to save pictures of the crashed cars and write letters to the various insurance companies and what's even worse just to make me feel really bad She Who Must Be Obeyed is refusing to drive any other car and is catching cabs and walking every where she needs to go sulking all the while.

So the lesson this week is NEVER TRUST A GREEN LIGHT and don't worry about school children unless they are bending the front of the car and generally making a mess by bleeding over it. :p

Col ]:)

by stargazerr

The yuk should cheer you up .. Neil's star wars jokes are pretty funny ..

Here are a few for you ... :)

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is coming back!"

Hope these didnt bore you to death !!!
]:)

by hal 9000

Is that she has found a lot of nice dirty little jobs to do around the house as punishment for bending her car. :(

Even though it was supposed to have left the next day to be painted so she wouldn't have it anyway, the pained look is really getting to me now and whats even worse is that I was told to take her car. :(

Dammed if I do and Dammed if I don't. :p

What's made it even worse is that being a 1973 Mercedes that is not replaceable the Insurance Company is claiming that there will be a long wait for parts to which I just replied I have just about everything here that is required except for the Headlight Protectors which took me 14 months to find a pair of and within 4 weeks of getting them I destroyed the right hand side one. She's not worried about the bent guards or bonnet or even the holes in the Oil Cooler and Radiator but those Bloody Head Light Protectors are going to be the bane of my existence for a long time to come. :(

Anyway I have a "Killer" Friday Yuk so next week work permitting I'll post it early local time and beat you all to it. :p

Col ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

Q: You're going the wrong way on a one way street. Didn't you see the arrows???

A: Christ, I didn't even see the focking indians.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by stargazerr

Such a fuss for a pair of headlight protectors??

In my personal opinion, they make a car look like a clown ... About as nice as painting a rolls "Magenta" .. One of my colleugues did that the other day .. made me want to puke

Why dont you post your "killer" friday yuk now??

]:)

by stargazerr

I am determined to bore the hell out of you guys :D

April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

]:)

by stargazerr

Lets keep it between us ...

Other wise, you are going to be the one lighting up M_A_R_K's rocket (oops, a little cross threading here, see Death :D )

]:)

by stargazerr

That adds to the fun ... My boy friend apparantly is called something pronouncable

Nehga benot, gramin of calaptin

]:)

by gadgetgirl

that you're hot-footing it around your office??

you can do wuss, I can do wusserer!

:D :p

GG

by stargazerr

Naah ... while jumping around I jumped on a sales guy's foot ..

He is the one doing the hot footing now ...

]:)

by jdclyde

not wusserer, wussier! ;\

A wusserer would be like a womanizer, someone that izes wusses! :O

(can I watch?!? ]:) )

by montgomery gator

My late father was born and raised in Akron, Ohio. He told me and my brothers when we were little:

"How can you tell that a dog is from Ohio?"

"By the O under his tail!!" :-)

by dmambo

Col, I assume you are familiar with this journal?? It is known as the car collectors bible. It's published in Vermont, and while I'm not a car guy, I hear it's the best source for parts. Good Luck.

by gadgetgirl

that one's already been taken.....

Dunno, us_g, I think he REALLY suits "Lamkin"...

]:)

GG

by stargazerr

You are absolutely right .... Mambo, you have to keep it .. Yoda has spoken. :p

I meant he can be the character R2D2. R2D2 looks silly, Mambo has a silly title .... A PURRRRFECT MATCH

]:)

by gadgetgirl

yes, I thought you'd spot that one.....

but, Lamkin (hey, this is great!)

- for what do I take it??

(on the basis that I wasn't going to start off the whole language thread again by typing "what do I take it FOR"!!)

Now, then, everybody! Blush emoticons at the ready, he's about to google it........

[B] BOOM [/b]

Yup, gottim again.......I love it when a plan comes together......

:D :p ]:)

GG

by dmambo

Again Lynon, your evil plan has failed. I am the Incorruptible One. Purity forever!

by stargazerr

The force has spoken ... he cannot change his title now ... he is stuck with 'Lamkin' ..

]:)

by montgomery gator

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

by stargazerr

Everyone uses the name of the medication taken prior to choosing a title ..

Once shot, the bullet doesn't go back ..

]:)

by stargazerr

"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, i.e. save planet.

]:)

P.S I think I just lost it :D

by jdclyde

Note, for the Starwars References, it is by the CHARACTERS name, and the Titanic it is by the Actors name.

Most of the titanic bits would fall flat on their face if left to the Characters name instead of laughing at Leo! (but it is kind of fun, ever since seeing him in "Basketball diaries"!)

by stargazerr

Caution! Driver applying make-up.

Double Caution!!! Blonde driver applying make-up.

My kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.

Hang up and drive.

This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 automatic.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!

Its Lonely at the top...What?? Like its a bit party at the bottom??

]:)

P.S .. Sorry couldn't resist the blonde one :D

by maecuff

I'm just a social drinker. But I smoke crack like a mother f*cker.

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

Jesus would slap the sh*t out of you.

8 out of 10 voices in my head say 'don't shoot'.

I have a perfect body. But it's in the trunk and it's starting to smell.

Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.

by old guy

I've taken these to heart.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok...they know me there.

I still have a full deck. I just shuffle slower now.

by jdclyde

Don't laugh mister, your daughter might be in here.

SEX - The most fun you can have without laughing.

(these were on my van. As you can imagine, I was REAL popular with the dads!)

by old guy

That sounds like Scotty. Ahh, Star Trek. Now, thar be whales aboard, Captn...

by old guy

Not fair!!! We always get picked on.

If it's a woman Libra with a gun does that mean they don't have to get over it? :)

by jamesrl

I wonder if this comes from the bad old days at Bell Norther Research. BNR was a company owned 51% by Northern Telecom(Nortel) and 48% by Bell Canada, and was filled with those funky research types who may have graduated from engineering school but whose minds never left it.

Nortel was the stuffy uptight business guys to them. They wouldn't let us keep our ties on at their meetings.

Eventually the two merged and that special feeling was lost. But while it lasted they were wild and crazy types.

James

by maecuff

and those are as good as any..

Personally, I'll stick with these..

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

by stargazerr

Here are a few more meaningful ones ...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you want me to fall for you, you better get something for me to trip over.

Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

]:)

by maecuff

My kid had sex with your honor student.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

STUPIDITY should be Painful

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

by stargazerr

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Fatal system error detected. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. (Read .. Windows)

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?

]:)

P.S Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

by stargazerr

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft

8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data

7. Giving Worf A nuggie

6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)

5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals

4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence

3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression

2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can

1. Tribble sex!

]:)

by jdclyde

isn't with you?

The big question, are you laughing WITH or AT?

( so much for the "size doesn't matter myth"! )

by stargazerr

Time to get my beauty sleep .... Its 10 past 10 on a friday night ... Before I go ..

Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?

Nobody is perfect. I am Nobody. Therefore I am perfect.

Good Night .... Have a good weekend everyone ..

]:)

by hal 9000

But I thought that Scotty said that Thar be fishes aboard Capitan. :p

Now I'm going to have to dig out the DVD and look at it and that will just get up She Who Must Be Obeyed nose again. :D

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

Was Wayne Gardner the ex 500 cc World Champion. Apparently he had a fall while in Spain and was given some suppositories for the pain so he could continue to ride. Apparently the doctor didn't speak any English and Wayne didn't understand Spanish so he got the script filled and chewed on the big tablets. His only comment was that they tasted waxy and he couldn't understand why they where so big as no one could sallow them without chewing. :D

Col ]:)

by jzsdii

I was watching a news channel where 2 people were being interviewed. They represented a group of ministers and religious people against pornography who had started a new web site. The title of their thesis is "Missionary Positions".

by stargazerr

So I was a bit confused all this time ... I use the word GIT a lot though .. (Most of the people around me deserve it ;) )

]:)

by Member 25348569

stops giving you the raw end of the deal, Darth Vader stops being a pain in the a$$ and making you the butt of all his jokes.

by swgoldwire2546

Next time you do a curtsey, please turn off your light sabre--the Star Wars sword species will saw your foot in half!!!!

AND if you are NOT going to turn off your light sabre, AT LEAST point that specie away from your feet--lest they be amputated by accident and you are maimed!!!

-swg, aka Shego Gobro, Erinol of Dimetapp; aka Sherika Worrell Goldwire

by nicknielsen

I spent several months in East Anglia & London with the USAF and heard several such expressions. I later discovered that I could swear using these expressions and nobody understood that I was cussin'!

Can I assume from your response that "ignorant git" isn't redundant? I use both that and "bloody ignorant git" quite often in traffic on the interstate...