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Friday y(UK)

By neilb@uk ·
Just to prove that we have a sense of humour round here as there seems to have been quite a lot of wimpy posts lately.

No offence is meant to anyone. Any reference to people real or imaginary is purely conincidental - honest!


A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of Amcol on TR.

He logged on, spilled his guts then waited for Amcol's insight and profound wisdom to make him feel better.

Within ten seconds, the reply post was on his screen: "I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."


Little Maxwell was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Maxwell replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Maxwell answered, "No, he minded his own business".


One for Absolutely:

A man was walking across a bridge one day and saw someone standing on a ledge, about to jump off. He ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Well, there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious?"


"Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"


"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1**5?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1**5."

"Die, heretic scum!!"

And pushed him off the bridge.


Sorry but if any Americans get this - We are not worthy!

GadgetGirl is on visit to London and decides to have a drink in pub she is passing. Once at the bar she tells the barman that she would like a Newcastle Brown Ale. "Sorry" the barman replies "We only sell Whitbread Bitter" "Oh, I'll have a half o' that then" and she pulled up a stool to the bar.

As the barman hands her the beer she decides that he needs to go to the toilet, "I need a pee, watch me drink will ya and divnt let any wun tooch it, or i'll break their neck. I hate people touchin' me beer"

"Sure" said the barman.

She'd only been gone for about a minute when a big black woman who had been sat in the corner, comes over to the drink picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a care in the world.

The barman stands there in disbelief. Just then in walks the Gadget and, just as she is about to pick up the beer glass she stops and frowns, "Sumwuns ad me drink!"

The barman stutters nervously "I cannot lie, that black woman over there just farted in it"
Gadget slammed the drink down and marched over the woman, "Scuse me luv, you fart'n me Whitbread?"

"No" she replied "I'm Tessa Sanderson".


JDClyde, Neilb and jck go into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

JD pushed his beer away from him in disgust. Neilb fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

JCK picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU *******!!!"


Have a nice weekend


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by BFilmFan In reply to Friday y(UK)
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Clearly, you need to get a life....

by JamesRL In reply to ROTFLMAO

....BFilmFan, it wasn't THAT funny.

With all due offense to Neil (ever notice that when people say, "No Offense, but" they always intend to say something offensive?), I have the following comments;

1) Amcol's joke....
Not sure if that was an adaptation or a "new" joke. I'm sure you could find something harsher with some effort...

2) Maxwell's joke...
"own D@MN&amp business" works so much better, even though its questionable whether Maxwell would use that language(the intent is clearly there)

3) Tessa Sanderson jokes....
It reminds me of those charming puppet shows that the CBC imported from Britain some years ago. We get the jokes about the Queen. We get most of the jokes about the Prime Minister (especially when it was Thatcher). The jokes about the obscure leader of the opposition wanna be, well.....

Of course deep down I'm just chuffed that you didn't make any jokes about pedantic boring old windbags from Dawg.


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erm, are you standing on Dawgs' tail?

by gadgetgirl In reply to Clearly, you need to get ...

oh, I think the Dawg is about to be let out again!



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You know the old saying

by JamesRL In reply to erm, are you standing on ...

If you have to explain the joke, you have failed....

The idea was that for the initial seconds, everyone would have thought I meant myself (I enjoy self deprecating humour) but then, I veer off to another Canadian.. Dawg was closest, Oz didn't fit so much, Aaron is too young...


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In that case, if I were you.....

by gadgetgirl In reply to You know the old saying

I'd watch YOUR tail....

I imagine he has rather large ....paws....!

(and yes, I got it, but even I have to rattle the odd cage now and again...and you know what I'm like when the Fridayitis takes hold....)


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Especially since

by JamesRL In reply to In that case, if I were y ...

...all these merkins are relaxed from a holiday, while we've been working. My commute time has doubled over the last couple of days due to snow.

I will leave you to speculate about the size of his ...paws.... I've never met him. On the other hand, I've not seen your picture can guess which one I ma more curious about...

This is probably the point at which its appropriate to make fun of Neil...again!


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In that case, James...

by gadgetgirl In reply to Especially since

be my guest!!!

(you can tell jd is missing today!)

I'm lucky at the moment, most of the UK has snow, but not the north east. (Phew) Having said that, the Arctic winds have taken their toll, and the wind chill is currently around the -10 to -15 degree mark....and I have a draughty office!


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Tell Me about it ...

by stargazerr In reply to Especially since

One of my collegues insists on holding the door open to get some fresh air ....

I swear, my blood has turned into little red ice cubes, in my veins...

Wherever is jd today, by the way??


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And I've done what? Do I deserve this?

by neilb@uk In reply to Especially since

Do we have the same dictionary? "Merkin" has a meaning that I'm not sure applies here...

C'mon, then! Make fun of me.

Go on. Take the p:ss out of the fat bloke in the Infrastructure Team. He's got no feelings - they don't have.

Anyway, fifteen more minites and I will be raising the digitus impudicus and off away home.

Have a good weekend!

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Oh but it was

by BFilmFan In reply to Clearly, you need to get ...

It made me laugh after a stressful start to the morning.

I could see the fly scenario being used as a SNL skit.

As for getting a life, yah, I do need to get out a bit more, but I did get to talk to CuteElf on the phone the other day for about 30 minutes, so my life ain't totally bad.

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