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  • #2178134

    Friday y(UK)

    Locked

    by neilb@uk ·

    Just to prove that we have a sense of humour round here as there seems to have been quite a lot of wimpy posts lately.

    No offence is meant to anyone. Any reference to people real or imaginary is purely conincidental – honest!

    ———————–

    A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of Amcol on TR.

    He logged on, spilled his guts then waited for Amcol’s insight and profound wisdom to make him feel better.

    Within ten seconds, the reply post was on his screen: “I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

    ——————

    Little Maxwell was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.” Little Maxwell replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?” Little Maxwell answered, “No, he minded his own business”.

    ——————

    One for Absolutely:

    A man was walking across a bridge one day and saw someone standing on a ledge, about to jump off. He ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”

    “Why shouldn’t I?”

    “Well, there’s so much to live for.”

    “Like what?”

    “Well, are you religious?”

    “Yes”

    “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

    “Christian.”

    “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    “Protestant.”

    “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

    “Baptist.”

    “Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

    “Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

    “Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?”

    “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”

    “Die, heretic scum!!”

    And pushed him off the bridge.

    —————-

    Sorry but if any Americans get this – We are not worthy!

    GadgetGirl is on visit to London and decides to have a drink in pub she is passing. Once at the bar she tells the barman that she would like a Newcastle Brown Ale. “Sorry” the barman replies “We only sell Whitbread Bitter” “Oh, I’ll have a half o’ that then” and she pulled up a stool to the bar.

    As the barman hands her the beer she decides that he needs to go to the toilet, “I need a pee, watch me drink will ya and divnt let any wun tooch it, or i’ll break their neck. I hate people touchin’ me beer”

    “Sure” said the barman.

    She’d only been gone for about a minute when a big black woman who had been sat in the corner, comes over to the drink picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a care in the world.

    The barman stands there in disbelief. Just then in walks the Gadget and, just as she is about to pick up the beer glass she stops and frowns, “Sumwuns ad me drink!”

    The barman stutters nervously “I cannot lie, that black woman over there just farted in it”
    Gadget slammed the drink down and marched over the woman, “Scuse me luv, you fart’n me Whitbread?”

    “No” she replied “I’m Tessa Sanderson”.

    ——————

    JDClyde, Neilb and jck go into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

    JD pushed his beer away from him in disgust. Neilb fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

    JCK picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”

    ——————-

    Have a nice weekend

    Neil :p

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #3122729

      ROTFLMAO

      by bfilmfan ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      Haha

      • #3122724

        Clearly, you need to get a life….

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to ROTFLMAO

        ….BFilmFan, it wasn’t THAT funny.

        With all due offense to Neil (ever notice that when people say, “No Offense, but” they always intend to say something offensive?), I have the following comments;

        1) Amcol’s joke….
        Not sure if that was an adaptation or a “new” joke. I’m sure you could find something harsher with some effort…

        2) Maxwell’s joke…
        “own D@MN&D business” works so much better, even though its questionable whether Maxwell would use that language(the intent is clearly there)

        3) Tessa Sanderson jokes….
        It reminds me of those charming puppet shows that the CBC imported from Britain some years ago. We get the jokes about the Queen. We get most of the jokes about the Prime Minister (especially when it was Thatcher). The jokes about the obscure leader of the opposition wanna be, well…..

        Of course deep down I’m just chuffed that you didn’t make any jokes about pedantic boring old windbags from Canada….like Dawg.

        James

        • #3122720

          erm, are you standing on Dawgs’ tail?

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Clearly, you need to get a life….

          oh, I think the Dawg is about to be let out again!

          (hehe!)

          :p

          GG

        • #3122715

          You know the old saying

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to erm, are you standing on Dawgs’ tail?

          If you have to explain the joke, you have failed….

          The idea was that for the initial seconds, everyone would have thought I meant myself (I enjoy self deprecating humour) but then, I veer off to another Canadian.. Dawg was closest, Oz didn’t fit so much, Aaron is too young…

          James

        • #3122714

          In that case, if I were you…..

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to You know the old saying

          I’d watch YOUR tail….

          I imagine he has rather large ….paws….!

          (and yes, I got it, but even I have to rattle the odd cage now and again…and you know what I’m like when the Fridayitis takes hold….)

          😀

          GG

        • #3122691

          Especially since

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to In that case, if I were you…..

          …all these merkins are relaxed from a holiday, while we’ve been working. My commute time has doubled over the last couple of days due to snow.

          I will leave you to speculate about the size of his …paws…. I’ve never met him. On the other hand, I’ve not seen your picture either….you can guess which one I ma more curious about…

          This is probably the point at which its appropriate to make fun of Neil…again!

          James

        • #3122688

          In that case, James…

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Especially since

          be my guest!!!

          (you can tell jd is missing today!)

          I’m lucky at the moment, most of the UK has snow, but not the north east. (Phew) Having said that, the Arctic winds have taken their toll, and the wind chill is currently around the -10 to -15 degree mark….and I have a draughty office!

          GG

        • #3122686

          Tell Me about it …

          by stargazerr ·

          In reply to Especially since

          One of my collegues insists on holding the door open to get some fresh air ….

          I swear, my blood has turned into little red ice cubes, in my veins…

          Wherever is jd today, by the way??

          🙂

        • #3122684

          And I’ve done what? Do I deserve this?

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Especially since

          Do we have the same dictionary? “Merkin” has a meaning that I’m not sure applies here…

          C’mon, then! Make fun of me.

          Go on. Take the p:ss out of the fat bloke in the Infrastructure Team. He’s got no feelings – they don’t have.

          Anyway, fifteen more minites and I will be raising the digitus impudicus and off away home.

          Have a good weekend!

          😀

        • #3122681

          Oh but it was

          by bfilmfan ·

          In reply to Clearly, you need to get a life….

          It made me laugh after a stressful start to the morning.

          I could see the fly scenario being used as a SNL skit.

          As for getting a life, yah, I do need to get out a bit more, but I did get to talk to CuteElf on the phone the other day for about 30 minutes, so my life ain’t totally bad.

    • #3122723

      Neil!

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      it’s taken me five to reply, I’ve been doubled over the desk laughing!

      not a bad go at Geordie, either – did you use the translator?!

      Its fair maid me day, petaldust!

      😀

      GG

      • #3122717

        It’s one I heard years ago

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Neil!

        Twenty years old, that one! Did the Geordie from memory cos I knew it had to be right! It was mainly for you because I don’t reckon too many Yanks will really get it!

        😀

    • #3122713

      Thanks, I’m flattered

      by amcol ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      I would have taken your joking at my expense more seriously but I’ve recently been trying to improve my self-esteem by spending more time gazing at crystals and contemplating my navel (hey, it worked in tne 90’s). I figure I’ve been spending so much time self-righteously beating up on all the losers on TR I should direct some of that sanctimony at myself.

      Jeez. I picked a heckuva day to give up sniffing glue. Hey, honey…what did you do with my Prozac?

      I liked the part about insight and profound wisdom, BTW. Sure wish I had some.

      • #3122711

        You can still see your navel?

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to Thanks, I’m flattered

        😀

        :p

        ]:)

        GG

        • #3122662

          Hey, watch that

          by amcol ·

          In reply to You can still see your navel?

          I may be old but I ain’t yet porky.

          Although my kids would disagree. A few years ago they bought me a London Fog sweater for my birthday. The designer for some reason thought it would be a great idea to put “FOG” in giant letters on the front. I didn’t get it at first, not having looked at the label, and asked them what it meant. My son the comedian said it was an acronym…Fat Old Guy.

          On the other hand, while I can still see my toes I can no longer reach them (without assistance, that is).

          Hey, honey…as soon as you find my Prozac start looking for my teeth, willya?

      • #3122709

        Hey, I figured you could handle it!

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Thanks, I’m flattered

        And if you couldn’t – [b]now you know how it feels![/b]

        Have a good weekend

        😀

    • #3122690

      Thats what I call …..

      by stargazerr ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      A real friday YUK !!

      My boss was staring at me coz I was laughing my guts out …

      Have a FUN weekend all …

      ]:)

    • #3122593

      I am sorry Neil. . .

      by swgoldwire2546 ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      The first post regarding Amcol was referenced to me quite actually (or so I thought).

      I am not used to the Friday jokes–I take EVERYTHING literal. Although some of these things did make me laugh 😀

      -swg

      The post-script: Here is another brilliant one. . .From a black, African-American female Yankee!

      If my computer is soooo sick that it died before I could put in Microsoft Windows Vista Professional, and I caught SOMETHING trying to remove the motherboard to which the virii (viruses for the American English crew)had spread to its components, I think I have caught the flu!

      WHAT NEXT!?!?!? I suppose if my ‘puter died of Influenza, then I got sick too. AND RANTING AND RAVING, THROWING TEMPER TANTRUMS, SCREAMING SECOND AVENUE DELI OVER THE FACT THAT MY ‘PUTER DIED AND I AM SICK FROM INFLUENZA THAT I GOT FROM MY ‘PUTER WHILE TENDING TO IT, IS JUST MAKING ME ILL SOME MORE!! I MEAN I AM REALLY ILLIN’!!!! SO I NEED TO START CHILLIN’ BEFORE I MAKE MYSELF SICK EVEN MORE!!!!!

      Oh, hold up! WAIT A ROCKAWAY AVENUE MINUTE HERE!!!! I have ALREADY taken steps to get my files backed up here!! Now I am REALLY worked myself up to the point of being sick.

      Oh, snap. I need to crawl into a hole in fetal mode and just die. WHERE IS THAT FEROCIOUS BEAR?!?

      I may be self-sufficient here, but I NEED HELP! SERIOUSLY!!!

      • #3122586

        Amcol

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to I am sorry Neil. . .

        As long as I’ve been reading TR posts I’ve regarded Amcol as someone who gives advice that can generally be judged “firm but fair”. Some softies regard his advice as a little callous. I thought him a splendid foil for one of my jokes.

        You were not involved,swg. At all. I don’t mock those in trouble.

        A couple of things, though.

        Viruses in England, too. I’m a pedantic Brit and I should (and do) know.

        Now try and calm down.

        • #3122548

          I was simply making a joke. . .

          by swgoldwire2546 ·

          In reply to Amcol

          the jokes I concocted were based on my personal fallout this past week.

          Thanks for the concern though.

          -swg

        • #3122510

          You might think that

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I was simply making a joke. . .

          I couldn’t possibly comment

        • #3044020

          Firm but fair?

          by amcol ·

          In reply to Amcol

          I rather regard my advice as hard nosed with a touch of self-righteous reality, tempered by pragmatic rationalism and a touch of whimsical petulance.

          I have no idea what the hell I just said but it sure sounds good. Shouldn’t have eaten that dictionary for lunch (urp).

          Softies? SOFTIES???? Harrumph.

        • #3044003

          Correct except for the whimsy…

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Firm but fair?

          I was trying to explain for swg in nice easy terms…

          Why?

    • #3122522

      The Tinfoil hat Brigade Beware!!!!

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      According to a study done by MIT, your tinfoil hats increase your vulneerability to mind control radio waves!!!!

      The stories about waering tinfoil hats to protect yourself from these radios waves are now suspected to have been started by the us government.

      MIT site about this:

      http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

      and, for your enjoyment:

      http://www.zapatopi.net/afdb/

      • #3122511

        Well OK but

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to The Tinfoil hat Brigade Beware!!!!

        What I want to know is how they got the 3 heads to do the measurements with. :p

        Col ]:)

      • #3044058

        Ignoble Potential

        by bfilmfan ·

        In reply to The Tinfoil hat Brigade Beware!!!!

        I noted that one as a potential Ignoble Award winner and also got a newshound stat for notifying Fortean Times of it.

        I should have thought to post a link up here..haha.

    • #3044046

      I love it!

      by maxwell edison ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      .
      Thanks, Neil, for the good laugh at ourselves.

    • #3122150

      Lucky for the fly

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      it was one Guinness. Had it been something a little tastier, like say a jager bomb, then we would have been needing a toothpick!

      Mmmm, crunchy! ;\

      But your right, as I have not a clue about the gg/sanderson one…… Even if you DID call GG a “he”. (Shes a MAN, BABY!) Man, your just digging that deeper and deeper….

      • #3122133

        Don’t you dare, ever

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Lucky for the fly

        make a spelling mistake or typo! I will be watching for them and grassing you up to Absolutely!

        The joke with GG was understandable [b]only[/b] by Brits – and ones who remember our sports stars of 20 years ago and must be told in a Geordie accent. Had any american “got” it, I would have been amazed.

        I’m not going to explain it.

        😀

        I’m watching…

        • #3121868

          Shouldn’t take long

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Don’t you dare, ever

          The difference between me and the “hey, your a big dummy” people is, I only point out the typos that are funnier than the original post! :^O

          Ok, I lied. I also point them out on people that take the “hey, your a big dummy” attack to someone else. (wasn’t that funta that did that?) X-(

          And you calling GG a he, with everthing else going on must really be giving you that “condemned man” feeling right about now? 😀

          Oh, didn’t expect you to explain. I know all about “inside jokes”. Meant for just a select few, and wank off to the rest! ;\

          By the way, what is “grassing”? The way you wrote it doesn’t sound like a typo for “passing”, and I have never hear this before. This part would be nice to have an explaination for? ?:|

        • #3123476

          Grass

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Shouldn’t take long

          A “grass” is UK slang for a police informer. From the police perspective, the grass is a “snout”. “Grassing someone up” is to inform on them to the authorities (or their mum) and is not considered acceptable behaviour in the lower strata of society.

          “Yore a filfy grass, encha?” Usually followed by a serious kicking or worse.

          I, on the other hand, have no shame whatsoever.

          😀

          Provided free by Neil’s Translation Services because we had “The Sweeney” and you never did!

          btw, The Sweeney was a 1970s cop show with such immortal lines as:

          “Shut it!”

          “Get your trousers on, you’re nicked”

          “We’re the Sweeney, son, and we’ve haven’t had any dinner yet, so unless you want a kickin’…”

          “Look slag, I don’t give a toss who yer had in yer bed last night but don’t run your numbers by on me!”

        • #3123422

          half and half?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Grass

          wouldn’t it have been ” ‘ad any dinner yet?” (see, I HAVE been paying attention!)

          hmm, a snitch! Nark! WEASLE! Rat! RatFink! Stoolie, (short for stool pigeon.)

    • #3127740

      just to good to hold onto for three days.

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      from my friend Jill:

      my hubby leaves his underwear on the floor in the bathroom after he showers (at least he used to).

      There’s a laundry shoot about two footsteps from the bathroom door and for some reason he simply couldn’t throw his dirty underwear in the thing. For those that don’t know… a laundry shoot is a door/hole in the wall upstairs. You throw your laundry in the hole and it goes down stairs where the washer and dryer are located. In any case I had to constantly go up 30 freakin steps to get his underwear and back down all those steps just to put them in the wash. Annoying? Yeah! Wanna know what my solution was?

      The name of this game is: “I’m lazy too”

      I let his underwear pile up right where he left them and continued with all the laundry until it was completed. One day he asked me where all his underwear was. I said “Ummm I dunno… I didn’t see any when I was washing clothes”. His response of course was “I don’t have any clean underwear to wear to work today!”…. hmmmmmmmmmm what to do!!!!? icon_lol.gif He decided he’d have to wear a pair of MY underwear to work that day LMFAO afterall there wasn’t much choice!! That seemed to solve that lil problem because apparently women’s underwear weren’t made for a man (especially if they have “Hanes Her Way” written on the elastic waistband)

      Note: Pat him on the ass on the way out the door going to work and say “be carefuly honey.. for god’s sake please don’t have an accident and/or end up in the hospital with that underwear on!”

      If you continue to have problems after the above solution… repeat the process above only next time try only making your “once a month” underwear available for wearing when he runs out of his own

    • #3127540

      Friday y (UK)

      by ujohnson_05 ·

      In reply to Friday y(UK)

      I think it was a good sense of humor it made me laugh and most of it was hillarious. One of the funniest ones was when the man tolf the little boy about the candy and how his grandfather lived to be 107 by minding his own bussiness. The other was the man jumping off the ledge. Good Job!

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