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My first Friday Yuk - Please be gentle . . .
This is what a computer should really do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...
by jdclyde
is not usually a quality most of us are known for! But in this case, I will make an exception!
Cool link!
___________________________________________
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
****
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
****
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our Bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
****
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 5 and 58?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
****
Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
****
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Little Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom..."
by sheeva
Thanks jdclyde. I appreciate it and I'll do my best to be a little more "edgier". How 'bout this?
Stupid On The Beach
A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told Little johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Or, how 'bout this one:
Ever wonder what's on the back of a smiley face?
This is cute...click and enjoy!
by critch
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar-tender serves him a beer. When he's finished the bartenderasks, "Monsieur Descartes, would you like another?"
Descartes answers, "No, I think not." At which point he abruptly disappears.
The Philosopher's Song (Monty Python)
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Ren? Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
by sheeva
A WOMAN WHO READS
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault! ," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
by sheeva
A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager.
In front of a growing crowd of customers, the manager confronts The woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" Doing so, she draws an even HUGER crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
IN A HUFF, THE WOMAN SAYS, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
by jdclyde
A new discussion is started each week.
If you post in an old one like this, most members will never see your post.
I would hate to miss a joke :( and it was just luck that I happened to see the link had changed to have new posts.
Often found on the "new discussion" section on Fridays, or kindly started by people such as yourself! :D
by critch
MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Women
Element: Women
Symbol: WO2
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 118lb but known to vary from 100 to 550 lbs
Occurrence: Copious quantities in urban areas
Physical properties
1. Surface usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at nothings, freezes without reasons
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states raging from virgin to common ore
Chemical properties
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reasons
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased in saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known
Common uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sport cars
2. Can be great aid to relaxation
Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside better specimen
Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
by sheeva
Written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will not lie next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured about who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.
A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
by critch
MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men
Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses:
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
by jzsdii
a new bumper sticker that says "Honk if you want to see my finger".
Do you know why blonds hate M & M's?
They're to hard to peel.
What do you call a blond that dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
by sheeva
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
by jck
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq".
"OH NO!", the President exclaims. "That's terrible".
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, heads in hands, rocking backwards and forwards. Finally the President looks up and asks...
"How much is a Brazillion?"
***********************
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
***********************
Smart Answer No5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."
by critch
This MUSHROOM walks into this bar and sits down at the counter. He was about to order a drink when the bartender took one look at him and said:
"Hey! Get out of here!! WE don't serve MUSHROOMS in this place!!"
Stunned, the MUSHROOM exclaimed: "Awh C'mon I'm a Fun-gi!"
by jck
At the bar of a tiny, deserted pub in Liverpool is a huge Scouser - 6ft 5 and 25 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards the giant he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the street and returns to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?".
"I'm not sure", the big man replies, "something about a job".
by ozi eagle
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
" Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells??
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
by meesha
How to Choose a Wife . . .
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble
choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns the $5,000 back several times over. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
by sheeva
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