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Friday Yuk

By Sheeva ·
My first Friday Yuk - Please be gentle . . .

This is what a computer should really do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

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Gentleness

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

is not usually a quality most of us are known for! But in this case, I will make an exception!

Cool link!

___________________________________________

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

****

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

****

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our Bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.

Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 5 and 58?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

****

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

****

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Little Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom..."

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Edgier

by Sheeva In reply to Gentleness

Thanks jdclyde. I appreciate it and I'll do my best to be a little more "edgier". How 'bout this?

Stupid On The Beach

A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told Little johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Or, how 'bout this one:

Ever wonder what's on the back of a smiley face?
This is cute...click and enjoy!

http://d21c.com/terri1/flash/smile.swf

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A guy walks into a bar....

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar-tender serves him a beer. When he's finished the bartenderasks, "Monsieur Descartes, would you like another?"

Descartes answers, "No, I think not." At which point he abruptly disappears.

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Speaking of Philosophers...

by Montgomery Gator In reply to A guy walks into a bar... ...

The Philosopher's Song (Monty Python)

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And Ren? Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.

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Another Yuk

by Sheeva In reply to Friday Yuk

A WOMAN WHO READS

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault! ," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

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OOPS! Missed Friday so Here's Monday's Yuk Yuk

by Sheeva In reply to Another Yuk

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager.

In front of a growing crowd of customers, the manager confronts The woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" Doing so, she draws an even HUGER crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?

IN A HUFF, THE WOMAN SAYS, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

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FYI

by jdclyde In reply to OOPS! Missed Friday so He ...

A new discussion is started each week.

If you post in an old one like this, most members will never see your post.

I would hate to miss a joke and it was just luck that I happened to see the link had changed to have new posts.

Often found on the "new discussion" section on Fridays, or kindly started by people such as yourself!

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Thanks . . .

by Sheeva In reply to FYI

I'll make sure to follow the process. I'm not sure whether it was me because it was Monday or because there was a "glitch" somewhere but I did try to start a new discussion and had problems. No reason to report unless this happens again. Regardless, I'll do my best. Again, thanks . . . S

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MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Women

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Women


Element: Women
Symbol: WO2
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 118lb but known to vary from 100 to 550 lbs
Occurrence: Copious quantities in urban areas

Physical properties

1. Surface usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at nothings, freezes without reasons
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states raging from virgin to common ore

Chemical properties

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reasons
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased in saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known

Common uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sport cars
2. Can be great aid to relaxation

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside better specimen

Hazards

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

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Andy Says . . .

by Sheeva In reply to MSDS (Material Safety Dat ...

Written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will not lie next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured about who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.

A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

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