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  • #2180146

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by guruofdos ·

    “If skirts become much shorter,”
    Said the typist with a blush,
    “There’ll be two more cheeks to powder
    and a lot more hair to brush!”

    Kids in the front seat cause accidents.
    Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    The boy stood on the burning deck
    and wondered why he’d been born.
    His father said “You wouldn’t have been,
    if the rubber hadn’t torn!”

    It’s been a slow week!

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #3117533

      YAY!!!

      by stargazerr ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      it is cool when someone starts a friday yuk on a friday….and cooler when 2 people start two friday yuks on the same friday 🙂

    • #3117522

      But will be

      by v_man ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      a great weekend!

      Sotally Tober
      Starkle starkle little twink
      who the heck you are I think
      I’m not under what you call
      the alcofluence of incohol
      I’m just a little slort of sheep
      I’m not drunk like tinkle peep
      I don’t know who is me yet
      but the drunker I stand here the longer I get
      Just give me one more drink to fill me cup
      ‘cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

      • #3117501

        I laughed so much…

        by stargazerr ·

        In reply to But will be

        I choked 😀 … Brilliant Piece of poetry

        • #3117495

          Forgot to give credit…

          by v_man ·

          In reply to I laughed so much…

          written by David Hudgins. Have a great weekend all.

    • #3119503

      CHINESE PROVERBS

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who run in front of car get tired.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who run behind car get exhausted.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man with one chopstick go hungry.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

      • #3119496

        They say…

        by guruofdos ·

        In reply to CHINESE PROVERBS

        To err is human. To really ball$ it up takes a computer.

        Money talks. Mine’s usually saying “Goodbye!”

        Happiness can’t buy money.

        Fighting for peace is like $crewing for virginity.

        The difference between a virgin and a light-bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

        I went out with an Irish Catholic girl once but I didn’t make any headway. You can take the Girl out of Cork…

      • #3119459

        jd, you missed one……

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to CHINESE PROVERBS

        Chinese say:

        Man who masturbate in biscuit tin f*****g crackers!

        😀

        GG

    • #3119499

      another one

      by peter spande ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Started a different Friday Yuk post before I found this one- i’m reposting here.

      A man and a woman die a week before they are to marry. They both arrive in Heaven and, after initial relief at both being together in heaven and not hell, they go to Gabriel and ask to be married.
      Gabriel answers, “I’ve never heard of people marrying and heaven but I will investigate.” He leaves the couple and they anxiously await his answer.

      Months follow and no word from Gabriel.

      Finally, Gabriel returns. “I’m very happy to report that you can in fact get married,” he says.

      “Well, we have another question” says the man hesitantly.

      “Yes,” says the woman, “you’ve been gone so long that we started having doubts. We won’t get married unless we know we can also get a divorce.”

      Gabriel can’t believe what he hears and says, “It took me three months to find a priest in heaven and now you want me to find a lawyer too!”

      Happy Friday everyone.

      • #3119497

        Not the first time it’s happened

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to another one

        and won’t be the last.

        Better to get two than to not have one!

        • #3119464

          erm…..

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Not the first time it’s happened

          does that mean you’re bragging or complaining???

          😉

          GG

        • #3119418

          yes

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to erm…..

          you would look grand wearing your ankles as ear rings? ]:)

          wow, that was subtle…… 😡

        • #3119405

          subtle

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to yes

          as a brick through a plate glass window, but I would expect no less of you, jd!

          Have a wonderful weekend!

          😡

          GG

    • #3119474

      Something you never want to see

      by itgirli ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Dear Staff:

      Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.

      ATTIRE:
      It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

      PERSONAL DAYS:
      Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

      LUNCH BREAK:
      Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

      SICK DAYS:
      We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

      RESTROOM USE:
      Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

      SURGERY:
      As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

      Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.

      Have a nice day.
      Human Resources Dept.

      • #3119449

        FUNNY

        by stargazerr ·

        In reply to Something you never want to see

        Forwarded it to everyone in the office….Here are some more … 🙂

        1. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

        2. Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing.

        3. A woman always has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

        4. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

        5. Do not disturb. Already disturbed!

        6. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

        7. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

        8. f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

        9. Fatal system error detected. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

        10. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

        11. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

        12. If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

        13. In my next life I’m going to have more memory installed

        14. Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.

        15. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

        16. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

    • #3119455

      Can I have a day off?

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what your are asking for.

      There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks in a year, in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

      Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

      With a one hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

      You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

      We generously give you 14 vacation days each year, which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I’m damned if you are going to take that day off…..

      (Incidentally, this is framed and hung above my desk – my team know what to expect…..!)

      Have a wonderful weekend all!

      GG

    • #3119427

      chuckle

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A Father getting out late from work and going back home remembers his daughters birthday and that he has no present for her.
      He stops his car in front of a toy store and asks the saleslady ” How much does the Barbie in the show window cost?”
      Nicely, the sales lady replies “Which Barbie?
      We have “Barbie goes to the gym” for $19.95,
      “Barbie plays volleyball” $19.95,
      “Barbie goes shopping” $19.95,
      “Barbie goes to the beach” for $19.95,
      “Barbie goes dancing” for $19.95,
      “Barbie get’s divorced” for $265.95,
      And the man really surprised asked “Ummm! Why does Barbie Divorced cost $265.95, when all the others price tag is only $19.95.
      The sales lady proudly replies: “Sir…, Barbie Divorced comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s yacht, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s computer and Ken’s best friend!”

      • #3119289

        Reply To: Friday Yuk

        by ozi eagle ·

        In reply to chuckle

        Ain’t it the truth.

      • #2841126

        Cougar Barbie

        by critch ·

        In reply to chuckle

        Who’s that? It’s Cougar Barbie! [Menopause? More like men will pause!] Barbie you’re my …

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGpelMWzs6k

      • #2841125

        Barbie doesn’t…

        by critch ·

        In reply to chuckle

        come with Ken

        She comes with Sammy, the pool boy…

    • #3119400

      French Humour

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Seeing as the French are taking a kicking in TR, I thought I’d find some French humour for a Vendredi Yuk. This was auto-translated by Google and I’ve left it as it came – I think you’ll understand!
      ———————–
      It is a couple very in love, and whose woman is related enough to the thing.
      The husband must leave in business trip for several weeks.
      Knowing his wife, he thinks that it is necessary that it finds a godemichet to him
      really special so that it will not seek a guy while he is
      party.
      Therefore, it goes to the sex shop of the corner. It exposes its problem to the type which holds
      the sex shop. The type is emmerd? a little. ‘ I have a special machine well, but
      really I do not dare to show it to you. It is called ‘ Voodoo Dick ‘ ‘. The type
      insist: ‘ Go, make-to see ‘. Then the type leaves lower part the counter one
      superb limps out of invaluable wood with superb engravings. It opens limps it, and
      the interior, has there a gode which resembles any other gode.
      The husband is disappointed obviously: ‘ But it does not have anything special your trick!’ that it
      known as. ‘ Ah if, attention, this gode, it is special. It does all that one says to him
      to make ‘. And hop demonstration: ‘ Voodoo Dick, the lock ‘. And Voodoo Dick
      precipitate on the lock and puts itself at work frantically. ‘ to stop it,
      it is enough to him to say: ‘ Voodoo Dick limps it ‘. And hop Voodoo Dick turns over
      wisely in its limps.’
      The husband is b?e mouth. ‘ I take it!’ it says.
      It returns at his place and explains to his wife the operation of this toy, and
      that it can use it when it is in lack of affection.
      The following day the husband from goes away.
      One week passes, the woman does not want to fornicate.
      Then finally during the following week, it starts to think more and more of
      sex. Then it remembers the gift of her husband and will seek it.
      It is stripped is put at the bed, opens limps it and says ‘ Voodoo Dick, my
      she-cat!’. TAC, the machine precipitate in the vagina of the lady and are agitated,
      be agitated. The woman starts to take her foot, has a orgasme, two orgasmes, but
      Voodoo Dick does not tire and continuous to be agitated in the hole. The woman
      start to tire, tries to withdraw Voodoo Dick but has nothing there to make. It
      what does not know and has new a orgasme.
      It starts to panic. ‘ Y has more than one thing to be made, to go to the h?pital’
      she says. Thus it is repaired, as well as it can. Takes its car, has
      badly to lead when it feels new a orgasme to be pointed, its control is one
      not very erratic…
      A cop locates this conducting then who seems too much to have drunk and stops it.
      The woman explains to him: ‘ I have Voodoo Dick wedged in my she-cat and I arrive
      not to withdraw it ‘.
      The cop ‘ but what it is that this connery?’.
      ‘ If, if it is true, it is Voodoo Dick in my she-cat ‘.
      Then the cop it says ‘ Voodoo Dick, my bottom!’.

      • #3119363

        Much funnier

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to French Humour

        (When you don’t have to translate! An oldie but goodie)

        There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife’s adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.

        The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. “I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys.”

        “Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don’t want to sell you THAT.” replied the clerk.

        “Let me see it anyway!” Answered the man.

        The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.

        “That’s not special!” cried the man.

        “Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR.” The dick in the box got up and began to hump the door.

        “I’ll take that, but how do you get it to stop?”

        The salesclerk sold him the voodoo dick, then, said simply “Voodoo dick? The box.”

        So the man took voodoo dick back home to his wife and showed her how to get it to hump something. Then, he left for a trip.

        The wife waited and waited and waited, but she couldn’t stand her urges. She took out the voodoo dick and said “voodoo dick? My-” well, we know what she said. So, it was the best she had ever known, and she kept at it for about 3 hours. Then, she wanted it out. She pulled and pulled, but in vain, for her husband had forgotten to tell her about the little box trick. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to get it out. She drove kind of wacky, well, because there was something in her. Finally, a police man pulled her over for her driving.

        “But…” She told the police man of the voodoo dick, to get out of the ticket.

        He laughed at her foolish story. “Voodoo dick my ass!” he cried.

        (voodoo dick, FRANCE!) ;\

        • #3119315

          I know but check this out

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Much funnier

          Google “French Riviera Humor” and select “Translate this page”. Go into the section labelled “Sex” – or any of them for that matter – and see if you can work some of them out!

          p.s. Open the same page in its original form and learn colloquial smutty French!

      • #3119286

        This time in English

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to French Humour

        A gold digging blonde married a 70-year old billionaire, convinced that she wouldn’t have to do much to be very rich.

        On her wedding night she was amazed to see her new husband stripped ready for action waring only spurs and a rubber on his huge dick. As he walked over to the bed he was putting on a surgeon’s mask and fitting earplugs.

        “What are you doing?” shw asked.

        “There are two things that put me off, the sound of screaming women and the smell of burning rubber”

        • #3119247

          I see why

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to This time in English

          this one wasn’t posted from a Frenchie point of view! Not a single sheep to be found in it…… Or was that Llamas?

      • #3118838

        Could you post the original?

        by jardinier ·

        In reply to French Humour

        I have a French lady friend who will be able to translate it precisely and also get a good chuckle from it.

        • #3118818

          I’ll do my best, Jules

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Could you post the original?

          but it was several pages deep inside http://www.cote.azur.fr/blague_sexe_9_lang_en.htm and I don’t speak enough French to recognise it!

          OK. Got it.

          C’est un couple tr?s amoureux, et dont la femme est assez port?e sur la chose.
          Le mari doit partir en voyage d’affaires pour plusieurs semaines.
          Connaissant sa femme, il se dit qu’il faut qu’il lui trouve un godemichet
          vraiment sp?cial pour qu’elle n’aille pas se chercher un mec pendant qu’il est
          parti.
          Donc, il se rend au sex-shop du coin. Il expose son probl?me au type qui tient
          le sex-shop. Le type est un peu emmerd?. ‘J’ai bien un engin sp?cial, mais
          vraiment j’ose pas vous le montrer. Il s’appelle le ‘Voodoo Dick”. Le type
          insiste: ‘Allez, faites-voir’. Alors le type sort de dessous le comptoir une
          superbe boite en bois pr?cieux avec des gravures superbes. Il ouvre la boite, et
          l’int?rieur, y a un gode qui ressemble ? n’importe quel autre gode.
          Le mari est d??u ?videmment: ‘Mais il n’a rien de sp?cial votre truc!’ qu’il
          dit. ‘Ah si, attention, ce gode, il est sp?cial. Il fait tout ce qu’on lui dit
          de faire’. Et hop d?monstration: ‘Voodoo Dick, la serrure’. Et Voodoo Dick se
          pr?cipite sur la serrure et se met ? l’oeuvre fr?n?tiquement. ‘Pour l’arr?ter,
          il suffit de lui dire: ‘Voodoo Dick la boite’. Et hop Voodoo Dick retourne
          sagement dans sa boite.’
          Le mari est bouche b?e. ‘Je le prends!’ il dit.
          Il rentre chez lui et explique ? sa femme le fonctionnement de ce jouet, et
          qu’elle peut l’utiliser quand elle est en manque d’affection.
          Le lendemain le mari s’en va.
          Une semaine passe, la femme n’a pas envie de forniquer.
          Puis enfin durant la semaine suivante, elle commence ? penser de plus en plus au
          sexe. Alors elle se souvient du cadeau de son mari et va le chercher.
          Elle se d?shabille se met au lit, ouvre la boite et dit ‘Voodoo Dick, ma
          chatte!’. Tac, l’engin se pr?cipite dans le vagin de la dame et s’agite,
          s’agite. La femme commence ? prendre son pied, a un orgasme, deux orgasmes, mais
          Voodoo Dick ne fatigue pas et continue de s’agiter dans le trou. La femme
          commence ? fatiguer, essaie de retirer Voodoo Dick mais y a rien ? faire. Elle
          ne sait pas quoi et a un nouvel orgasme.
          Elle commence ? paniquer. ‘Y a plus qu’une chose ? faire, aller ? l’h?pital’ se
          dit-elle. Donc elle se rhabille, aussi bien qu’elle peut. Prend sa voiture, a du
          mal ? conduire quand elle sent un nouvel orgasme se pointer, sa conduite est un
          peu erratique…
          Un flic rep?re alors cette conductrice qui semble avoir trop bu et l’arr?te.
          La femme lui explique: ‘j’ai une Voodoo Dick coinc? dans ma chatte et j’arrive
          pas ? la retirer’.
          Le flic ‘mais qu’est ce que c’est que cette connerie?’.
          ‘Si, si c’est vrai, c’est une Voodoo Dick dans ma chatte’.
          Alors le flic il dit ‘Voodoo Dick, mon cul!’.

          Enjoy!

        • #3118572

          French version has now been emailed to French lady

          by jardinier ·

          In reply to I’ll do my best, Jules

          I will post the translation in this discussion.

          Many thanks for going to the trouble.

          Julian

    • #3119387

      See you guys on monday then

      by stargazerr ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Gotta travel home….2 and a half hours…kills me..:)

      Have a great weekend people….

    • #3119344

      The laws of work…

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

      A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

      Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

      It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

      After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

      The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

      You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

      Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

      When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

      If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

      There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

      Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

      Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

      Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

      To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

      Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

      Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

      If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

      You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

      People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

      If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

      At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

      When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

      Following the rules will not get the job done.

      Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

      When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

      No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

      The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

    • #3119302

      Chick Drinks

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      (forget where this came from)

      Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

      The results:

      Drink: Beer
      Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
      Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

      Drink: Blender Drinks
      Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
      Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

      Drink: Mixed Drinks
      Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
      Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her – She’ll send YOU a drink.

      Drink: Wine – (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
      Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
      Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years… Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

      Drink: White Zin
      Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
      Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…

      Drink: Shots
      Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
      Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

      Then there is the male addendum …. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

      Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
      Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
      Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
      Whiskey: He doesn’t care about anything except getting laid.
      Tequila: “Leave me alone – I’m gonna go shag something!!”
      White Zin: He’s gay.

      • #3119293

        hmmm…..

        by itgirli ·

        In reply to Chick Drinks

        I drink mixed drinks and wine (never white zin). I think it’s just about right.

    • #3119301

      The big ring

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      (I might have to try this) :^O

      An older, white haired man walked into a jeweler store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

      The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a ?5,000 ring and showed it to him.

      The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

      At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only ?40,000,” the jeweler said.

      The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

      The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

      The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By cheque and I know you need to make sure that my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

      Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

      “There’s no money in that account.”

      “I know.” said the old man, “But can you imagine the weekend I just had?”

    • #3119290

      The best of the latest batch of comics

      by dc guy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “Hey! All the animals in this box of animal crackers are dinosaurs.”

      “Uh oh! You’d better check the expiration date.”

      –Frank and Ernest

      —————————–

      “Hey Bill, long time no see! How’s the band doing? Say, you’ve lost a bit of weight. Did you go on that Atkins diet?”

      “Huh? Oh, no. Er, well… I spent more money than I could afford on a fabulous new guitar. I don’t really have enough left for groceries. So I guess I’m on the CHET Atkins diet.”

      — Get Fuzzy

      ————————————–

      A teacher is setting up her classroom on the first day of the new school term. She notices how shabby all of her equipment is.

      “I don’t have much of a budget, but it’s really time to retire this old globe. I don’t even know when it was manufactured.”

      She takes a closer look and sees a sticker down by the South Pole, obviously put on after the globe was sold. She puts on her reading glasses and discovers some fine print in Olde Englishe type:

      “Any heretic caught using this ridiculous round model of the Earth will be burned at the stake.”

      She puts the globe back down and mutters,

      “I’d better hang onto this, it’s the most modern thing I’ve got.

      –La Cucaracha

      ——————————-

      A man sits at his PC, thinking, “Dear Google, please tell me the world has finally noticed me.” He types in his name and hits Enter.

      Google Results:
      1. Blogs That Suck
      2. Bloggers Who Don’t Have A Clue
      3. Ten People Bush Should Appoint To Important Jobs.

      He walks away saying, “Anonymity is underrated.”

      ————————————

      Two kindergarten students talking:

      “Teacher says we have to color inside the lines.”

      “Who does she think she is, the Border Patrol?”

      — Frank and Ernest

    • #3118837

      Choosing a wife

      by jardinier ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three like candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

      The first woman does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

      She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

      The man was impressed.

      The second woman goes shopping and buys the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive
      clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent the money on him because she loves him so much.

      Again, the man was impressed.

      The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

      Obviously, the man was impressed.

      The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he had given her.

      Then, he married the woman with the biggest boobs.

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