Friday Yuk

An English teacher writes the sentence: 'A woman without her man is nothing' on the board, and tells his students to punctuate it.

A male student writes - 'A woman, without her man, is nothing'

A female student writes - 'A woman: without her, man is nothing'

Why is there no other word for Thesaurus?

A foreign visitor to England was having trouble with the pronunciation of words like "enough", "bough", "Edinburgh" and "though". He thought he was getting the hang of it till he saw the newspaper headline "Fete pronounced success"

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blow job.....

Have a good weekend, all!

:D

GG

1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

2. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

3. Write the surprise ending to novels on the first page.

4. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

5 dont use any punctuation either

6. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

7. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. What? Repeat everything someone says, as a question?

8. Don't take a shower for a month. (YOU know who you are!)

9. Go to a synagogue and shout out "Praise Jesus" after every prayer.

10. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

What's worse than smelling bad breath?

Knowing how your dog gets it.

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking with the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't
use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have,"
explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we
didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again. "Well, we have
them, and you could have" the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is
unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Just to show that I'm not playing favourites. :p

Col ]:)

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But
Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just
sits there.

I do as I please and let others act according to their own beliefs. but I do try to avoid JW's at every opportunity. ;)

The most successful method that I've so far found is to welcome them and say with a perfectly straight face that I'll willing attend one of their Church Services if they will attend one of mine, I then make out that I'm a devil Worshipper and they beat a hasty retreat never to be seen again. Well for a few years and then someone new arrives and tries to pervert me to their way of stinking and they get exactly the same treatment. :D

As for the shorthand I just leave it as I've always done it and then get up those who try to jump on me from great heights one guy here insisted that I hated M$ because I used M$ instead of MS and when I just as an aside told him "Why It Is So" I never heard another word from him one way or the other. :^O

But it was something that I did learn from as I now use MS in the Q&A section instead of M$ as people seem more willing to accept my answers. Just shows how silly that they actually are doesn't it? :D

Col ]:)

Things Women Don't Know

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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[b]The Secret Language of Women -- Keywords and Their Meaning[/b]

Fine
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument in which she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. Never use "fine" to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes
This is really half an hour. It is equivalent to the same "five minutes" that a football game is going to last before you take out the garbage.

Nothing
This really means, "You'd never understand." "Nothing" is usually accompanied by a woman's desire to turn you inside out, upside-down, and backwards. "Nothing" is often said prior to an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is not permission. This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine.

Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows)
This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get the "Go Ahead" with raised eyebrows in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is still a verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and is wondering why she is wasting her time arguing over "Nothing."

Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. This means a woman is content
and your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with the raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; simply say, "You're welcome."

Thanks a lot
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

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[b]Sex etc.[/b]

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff
you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I wouldn't want to be on Her Majesty's Hit List for some misunderstanding over a drink. :p

OZ I hope you're happy joining Neil constantly looking over your shoulder awaiting for the punishment to come. :^O

Col ]:)