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  • #2191255

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by oz_media ·

    What makes life 100%?

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

    How about achieving 103%?

    Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

    then:

    H A R D W O R K
    8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

    K N O W L E D G E
    11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

    but:

    A T T I T U D E
    1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

    and:
    B U L L S* H I T
    2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

    So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
    attitude will get you there, but bulls*hit will put you over the top.

    And look how far this will take you…

    A S S K I S S I N G
    1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

    Think about it… and have a nice day at work… 🙂 Happy Friday!!!

    Off to Canuckleheads vs Calgary Flems tonight (company schmooze), but at least the bar is decent; and the tab’s on the manufacturer of course.;)

All Comments

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    • #3072201

      watch out for

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      those magic missles.
      they can be dangerous.

      http://gprime.net/video.php/magicmissile

      • #3071906

        Fabumundo!!!

        by dmambo ·

        In reply to watch out for

        Superb avatar jaqui!

      • #3071903

        I wonder if he’s related to a certain TR member

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to watch out for

        Have you looked at the -iPod guts photos?

        Some people just need to get laid once in a while I think. Talk about too much time on your hands. Maybe I’ll send 50 photos of a Carter 4 barrel carb rebuild for him to post next week.

        I think that’s the most useless and mindless information to be posted on TR.

        http://techrepublic.com.com/2300-10877-5885123.html?tag=fdlead1

      • #3073906

        Gotta love Reno 911

        by jessie ·

        In reply to watch out for

        Reno 911 is probably the ONLY EVER series written and produced by Comedy Central that I think is just hilarious. Good for them!

    • #3072191

      The Corporate Mind

      by bawd ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at the same time:

      The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

      Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

      Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

      Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.

      Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

      So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s a$$ came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to
      accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

      Now the twist to the story…………..

      There’s an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses’ behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The
      railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse’s A$$!

    • #3072185

      How do I look?

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      This has been around a while, but it still cracks me up :-)…
      _____________
      Beauty and The Beast
      By Dave Barry

      If you’re a man, at some point a woman will ask you how she looks.

      “How do I look?” she’ll ask.

      You must be careful how you answer this question. The best technique is to form an honest yet sensitive opinion, then collapse on the floor with some kind of fatal seizure. Trust me, this is the easiest way out. Because you will never come up with the right answer.

      The problem is that women generally do not think of their looks in the same way that men do. Most men form an opinion of how they look in seventh grade, and they stick to it for the rest of their lives. Some men form the opinion that they are irresistible stud muffins, and they do not change this opinion even when their faces sag and their noses bloat to the size of eggplants and their eyebrows grow together to form what appears to be a giant forehead-dwelling tropical caterpillar.

      Most men, I believe, think of themselves as average-looking. Men will think this even if their faces cause heart failure in cattle at a range of 300 yards. Being average does not bother them; average is fine, for men. This is why men never ask anybody how they look. Their primary form of beauty care is to shave themselves, which is essentially the same form of beauty care that they give to their lawns. If, at the end of his four-minute daily beauty regimen, a man has managed to wipe most of the shaving cream out of his hair and is not bleeding too badly, he feels that he has done all he can, so he stops thinking about his appearance and devotes his mind to more critical issues, such as the Super Bowl.

      Women do not look at themselves this way. If I had to express, in three words, what I believe most women think about their appearance, those words would be: “not good enough.” No matter how attractive a woman may appear to be to others, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she thinks: woof. She thinks that at any moment a municipal animal-control officer is going to throw a net over her and haul her off to the shelter.

      Why do women have such low self-esteem? There are many complex psychological and societal reasons, by which I mean Barbie. Girls grow up playing with a doll proportioned such that, if it were a human, it would be seven feet tall and weigh 81 pounds, of which 53 pounds would be bosoms. This is a difficult appearance standard to live up to, especially when you contrast it with the standard set for little boys by their dolls… excuse me, by their action figures. Most of the action figures that my son played with when he was little were hideous-looking. For example, he was very fond of an action figure (part of the He-Man series) called “Buzz-Off”, who was part human, part flying insect. Buzz-Off was not a looker. But he was extremely self-confident. You could not imagine Buzz-Off saying to the other action figures: “Do you think these wings make my hips look big?”

      But women grow up thinking they need to look like Barbie, which for most women is impossible, although there is a multibillion-dollar beauty industry devoted to convincing women that they must try. I once saw an Oprah show wherein supermodel Cindy Crawford dispensed makeup tips to the studio audience. Cindy had all these middle-aged women applying beauty products to their faces; she stressed how important it was to apply them in a certain way, using the tips of their fingers. All the woman dutifully did this, even though it was obvious to any sane observer that, no matter how carefully they applied these products, they would never look remotely like Cindy Crawford, who is some kind of genetic mutation.

      I’m not saying that men are superior. I’m just saying that you’re not going to get a group of middle-aged men to sit in a room and apply cosmetics to themselves under the instruction of Brad Pitt, in hopes of looking more like him. Men would realize that this task was pointless and demeaning. They would find some way to bolster their self-esteem that did not require looking like Brad Pitt. They would say to Brad: “Oh YEAH? Well what do you know about LAWN CARE, pretty boy?”

      Of course many women will argue that the reason they become obsessed with trying to look like Cindy Crawford is that men, being as shallow as a drop of spit, want women to look that way. To which I have two responses:

      1. Hey, just because we’re idiots, that doesn’t mean you have to be; and

      2. Men don’t even notice 97 percent of the beauty efforts you make anyway. Take fingernails. The average woman spends 5,000 hours per year worrying about her fingernails; I have never once, in more than 40 years of listening to men talk about women, heard a man say, “She has a nice set of fingernails!” Many men would not notice if a woman had upward of four hands.

      Anyway, to get back to my original point: If you’re a man, and a woman asks you how she looks, you’re in big trouble. Obviously, you can’t say she looks bad. But you also can’t say that she looks great, because she’ll think you’re lying, because she has spent countless hours, with the help of the multibillion-dollar beauty industry, obsessing about the differences between herself and Cindy Crawford.

      Also, she suspects that you’re not qualified to judge anybody’s appearance. This is because you have shaving cream in your hair.

      • #3072081

        the real answer

        by itgirli ·

        In reply to How do I look?

        Okay. the answer to that whole “how do I look?” thing: “Honey, you look as beautiful as the day I met you.” (and then pray to God she does not remember what she looked like at that exact time)

        • #3071990

          I LOVE the commercial

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to the real answer

          the babe comes in the room and asks her husband (while he is watching TV) “does this dress make me look fat?”

          He gives her a “you bet”, as he isn’t even listening. I LOVE that one.

        • #3073904

          And you…

          by jessie ·

          In reply to I LOVE the commercial

          … weren’t even paying attention to the commercial!! She comes into the [i]Kitchen[/i], where he’s [i]reading the newspaper[/i], and asks “Honey, does this make me look fat?” to which, he replies, without looking away from his newspaper, “You bet.” and then the announcer says, “In about the time it takes to pull out the sleeper sofa, you could save a ton of money on car insurance.”

          Or something like that… but maybe we just watch too much tv around here because I don’t have a JOB and there’s nothing better to do.

        • #3073891

          Good to see you here again Jessie

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to And you…

          I hope everything is going well and the little Devil is now driving you crazy. :p

          Given a few years you’ll be asking yourself WHY DID I DO IT? and the worst thing is that as they get older they want more from you. Yesterday my 30 year old son dropped in and handed me a timing chain for a BMW and asked when I could fit it. 🙁

          When I had a look this morning I found it was an endless link chain so it’s a complete tear down and rebuild for that motor, just what I needed 3 days work fitting a Bloody Timing Chain as if I don’t already have enough to do. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #3073437

          I rarely

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to And you…

          pay attention to commercials or TV in general. Advertising is wasted on me. Never turn that thing on anymore and if wasn’t for the boys I wouldn’t even own one. There is one in their bedroom and one in the guy cave with the DVD’s and XBOX.

          The only exception has been on the nights I have the boys we have been watching a movie with the steak dinners I have been making! I figure after this last week, I am down to only 10 DVD’s that I haven’t opened yet. I see them on sale and buy them then never have the time to watch them. (sigh)

          Would have knocked out a few more, but the boys wanted to watch “holy grail” a few times this week. The EX HATES that I am turning them into headbanging geeks! ]:)

        • #3071902

          I usually answer

          by dmambo ·

          In reply to the real answer

          “It amazes me that you get more beautiful every day” That generally works.

          The scary thing (to me) about the question “How do I look?” is that it usually precedes an outrageously expensive meal. Does the dress make her look fat? No, it makes my wallet look skinny!

        • #3071892

          So a question for girli

          by bob in calgary ·

          In reply to the real answer

          If a guy asks a woman how he looks, Like when going out to a business function or dinner dance what is the correct response, Last time I asked I got the, Well you could do with a hair cut and maybe loose 30 pounds etc. Hmmm maybe that’s why I’m separated. By the way I got a hair cut and lost 45 pounds so life is good.

        • #3071456

          It’s not the dress my friend !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          by brj1980 ·

          In reply to the real answer

          One time I was drunk and my friend asked me if the color of her dress made her look fat. So I told her the truth, only because I was drunk. I told her “it’s not the dress making you look fat, it’s that fat in your big stomach making you look fat”. Which was not nice and I did apologize when I was sober. But that is the truth, clothes dont make people look fat, being fat is what makes you look fat.

    • #3072184

      Another classic gender observations

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Simply Put Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone
      By Matt Groening

      Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

      RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship — he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

      A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

      SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

      MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

      MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

      HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

      COMEDY: Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

      BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

      GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

      SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

      LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”

      GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup…

      CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

      OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

      LOW BLOWS: Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh, gee. That must have hurt.” The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

      DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

      DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

      LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

      WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

      SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

      NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

      EATING OUT: … and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

      MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

      MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

      THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

      DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”

      ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

      RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

      MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

      TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

      PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

      CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

      LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker — sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

      GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

      MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

      JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

      SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

      TIME: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game’s just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

      CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., “Wow, great movie.”, “What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”, “Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys”, etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: “That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” “Mm hmm.” Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.” Pause. And so on.

      FRIENDS: Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys’ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “Got any more beer?”

      RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?”

    • #3072183

      the 5 questions that strike fear in all men

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The questions are:
      1. What are you thinking about?
      2. Do you love me?
      3. Do I look fat?
      4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
      5. What would you do if I died?
      What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

      Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

      The proper answer to this, of course, is:
      “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

      This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

      A. Football.
      B. Golf.
      C. How fat you are.
      D. How much prettier she is than you.
      E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
      (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

      Question # 2: Do you love me?

      The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

      Inappropriate responses include:
      A. I suppose so.
      B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
      C. That depends on what you mean by love.
      D. Does it matter?
      E. Who, me?

      Question # 3: Do I look fat?

      The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

      Among the incorrect answers are:
      A. Compared to what?
      B. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
      C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
      D. I’ve seen fatter.
      E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

      Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

      Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:

      A. Yes, but you have a better personality
      B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
      C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
      D. Define pretty
      E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

      Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

      A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

      Woman: Would you get married again?
      Man: Definitely not!
      W: Why not, don’t you like being married?
      M: Of course I do.
      W: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
      M: Okay, I’d get married again.
      W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
      M: Yes, I would.

      W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
      M: Where else would we sleep?
      W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
      M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
      W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
      M: Of course not, Dear. She’s left-handed.

    • #3072161

      I just can’t believe that …

      by jck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      arsekissing gets your farther than nepotism (108%).

      something wrong with the math…or my spelling.

    • #3072093

      random thoughts

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      THINGS TO PONDER…..
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

      If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

      Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

      Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…..but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?

      Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

      Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

      What disease did cured ham actually have?

      How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

      Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? (with a load in your pants)

      If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

      Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

      Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

      How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

      If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who does he/she call?

      Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

      Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

      Why is it there’s a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

      When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

      Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

      If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

      Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

      Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

      What do you call male ballerinas?

      If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all hat ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

      If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? (this one for AB)

      Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

      Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

      Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

      Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s around your butt?

      Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

    • #3072083

      What would a car built by Microsoft be like?

      by anykey??? ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      If Microsoft Built Cars

      1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

      2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.

      3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you’d have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.

      4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car 95” or a “Car NT”. But then you’d have to buy more seats.

      5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

      6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

      7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

      8. People would get excited about the “new” features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

      9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be supurb.

      10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

      11. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.

      12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

      13. They wouldn’t build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

      14. There would be an “Engium Pro” with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

      15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

      16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don’t own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

      17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

      18. If you couldn’t afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

      19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

      20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

      • #2630221

        A death trap…

        by bkrateku ·

        In reply to What would a car built by Microsoft be like?

        I could add a few to those…

        1. There would be no gas pedal. Instead, to go faster, you would have to turn things off and/or remove parts of the car.

        2. The brake system would be manufactured by Symantec. With their SystemWorks brake system, even the biggest of cars could slow to a crawl with ease.

        3. While Apple would have the best named and best looking cars on the road, the Microsoft cars would have the coolest concept names, only to be changed to the dorkiest names once released.

        4. While there would only be one model released at a time, there would be 50 different versions.

        5. Once you started your car, it would be 2 to 3 minutes before you could do anything with it. If your check engine light comes on, then it may take 10 to 20 minutes or more before you could do anything, providing the engine checks out.

        6. Your car would update itself while you were driving it, requiring you to keep pressing “Don’t restart car” until you can get stopped somewhere.

        7. If you were running an Engium 4 motor, it would always run hot and go through twice as much gas, but at least it would reduce power to keep from blowing up.

        8. The dealer would tell you how cool your new “quad cylinder” engine is, only to find out later that it’s actually two v-twin engines welded together. (Ok, another Intel joke.)

        9. The BSoD could take on a whole new meaning…lol.

    • #3072032

      The cruise

      by puppybreath ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “The Cruise”

      DEAR DIARY … DAY ONE

      I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
      _________________________________________________

      DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO

      We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
      _________________________________________________

      DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE

      I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
      _________________________________________________

      DEAR DIARY … DAY FOUR

      Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
      _________________________________________________

      DEAR DIARY …. DAY FIVE

      Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
      _________________________________________________

      DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX

      I saved 1600 lives today…

      Twice.

    • #3071995

      Alternate meanings

      by puppybreath ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Alternative Meanings from The Washington Post:

      Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.

      Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

      Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.

      Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..

      Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.

      Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

      Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

      Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.

      Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

      Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

      Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.

      Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

      Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish xpressions.

      Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

      Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

      Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist

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