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Friday Yuk

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by bob in calgary 1 view

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

Where is every one, I come in expecting to read the friday Yuk. Oh well Here goes.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000.00 per call. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 one could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was? She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 he could talk to God.

"O.K. , thanks" said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston New-York., N. Dakota, and Montana In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000.00 per call sign under it. Upon leaving Montana, the American saw a sign for CANADA and decided to see if Canadians had the same golden telephone. He arrived in Calgary Alberta and again there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 25 cents per call. The American was surprised and intrigued so he asked the priest about the sign, "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000.00 per call.
Why is it so cheap here.?"

The priest smiled and answered: "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call."

33 replies

by jck

A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink with the same one twice.".

The Canadian (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink with the same glass twice either!"

The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian. He says "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

by jdclyde

how the same true sayings can be modified!

I normally hear it as the the first is a Mexican, second Canadian, third is a Michigander.

catches the bottle, shoots the Candadian and orders another drink. The Mexican asks what he did that for, and the reply is "we have lots of Canadians, but the bottle has a 10 cent deposit".

by jdclyde

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So,what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down ...... I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

by jdclyde

A guy goes to Arkansas DOT to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". Then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%.......a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K.---I can hire you
right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?"

"This is a state job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.... no point in you coming in for that."

by jdclyde

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f@*k off the car!"

by jdclyde

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

(honestly, who didn't see that one coming from me?)

by oz_media

I heard a much more racial version of that one.

Sorry I missed the Yuk again , 2 busy, maybe tonight.

by montgomery gator

I am originally from Florida, so I can relate to this one. :-)

Old saying in Miami: Will the last American to leave, please bring the flag?

by maecuff

where you could use ALL of these comments, at least once?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Chaos, panic, and disorder... My work here is done.

I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

There are few problems that can?t be solved with high explosives.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

When all you have is an axe, every problem seems like hours of fun.

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

When life hands you lemons, squeeze them between your bitter fingers and throw them at the wall.

If you can read this, you are in range.

My goal in life is to hurt you, severely, come here.

No, I'm not feeling violent, I'm feeling creative with weapons.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

If at first you don't succeed....go back and reload the gun.

by maecuff

Like the one about the axe. I wish I had a axe. or even a small hatchet. Although, I'm pretty sure that would violate our weapons policy here at work..

by jaqui

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 2:04 am Post subject: A mousey tail- story of a vancouver mouse. Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
--read this with the sound of a tiny little voice squeaky and high childlike voice--

Hi. I'm a Vancouver mouse and i live in this like 4 story building with all my friends and family and strangers and cousins 100 times removed, ohh and a few of you human creatures.

The other day I had an experience I just wanted to share. And since the human that uses this contraption is sleeping at the moment decided to come tell you my tail.

It all started when i went onto the third floor. That's where the places are that have food. I was sneaking around and hoping to find just a small piece of cracker, bread heck even some candy would be good. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because I was under this metal thing. I think you humans call it a Filing cabnite. Now my family rules this building so I don't have a problem with where i go.. well except for the glue traps but i stay away from them. ANYWAY..

So i was uinder this metal thing and the human must have heard me because suddenly the metal moved and caught my tiny little head between two peices of Metal. BANG it went and my head hurt. BANG BANG and my head hurt again. It did this several times.. then stopped holding my head in place. Then BANG BANG BANG boy was my head hurting and spinning. Now I sat there trying to come out of it. when all of a sudden the metal moved.

I don't know about other mice but I decided that was not good so I ran, around the wall and corner to hide in the yards of spagetti that buzzz. i think you call them electrical cords. anyway there i was. thought i was safe when my hidey hole MOVED!!!!! Dang the desk ? was on wheels and moved away so I hid more, then i scurried around to where two metal walls were close together.

i thought i was safe. i hid there for a couple minutes when the human, female i think though she ain't as pretty as my wife. She ain't got no wiskers or pointy nose or nothing.. anyway she looked at me.. well i was hiding so I looked right back She couldn't see me anyway. right? Suddenly the walls closed in around me. Holding me tightly as they moved and dragged me forward. JEEZE you humans have weird things.

it dragged me at least 5 mousey miles themn lifted straight into the AIR! Carrying me by my body, but then i began to slip and it was holding me by the neck I hung in the air for at least 20 mousey miles when suddenly I fell from those metal airborne walls down a cliff!! Those cliffs were at least 10 mousey miles deep. Boom i fell and lay there dazed stunned and confused. Spread eagled as I tried to figure out what was going on.. I heard the human male yell "get me the tongs"

Now i don't know what those are but suddenly these two pieces of metal were squeezing my tummy and I was kicking them away as fast as I could. Then suddenly it grabbed my tail. I couldn't do nothing.. Then I was FLYING!!!! Well FLYING?FALLING cuz I don't got no wings. I fell at least 60 mousey miles and landed on that black rock ouitside.

I must have been knocked unconcious because when i came too it was definately later than before. I stumbled home.. where my family friends, cousins, strangers, and 100 times reoved cousins wondered what happened to me.

I told them and they shuddered. Told me how lucky i was to be super mouse

Problem is I keep telling everyone who wwill listen, so I tell you the same..

DON'T GO ON THE THIRD FLOOR!!!

And that's my tail.. I am never coming back to the third floor again. I may move out of here altogether.. my family might want to follow me.. You humans are bad news..

I'd take a glue trap or snap trap

*Walking away muttering* mousey's don't have wings.. they can't fly.. chase me around the room.. walls closing in.. I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 8:35 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
just be glad they don't live with a katz, katzes like to play wit their food. and Katzes think mices are food!!! My cuz maury was battered around for hours before the horid creature bit his head off!
Oh the mouseanitys!
Its getting to the point that a self respecting city mouse has to think seriously about becoming :shudder: a field mouse.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 9:00 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
Okay, call me softhearted (HEY YOU! SOFTIE!!!), but I can't bring myself to set traditional traps for the mice. We don't have many around here, but a few, and my way of dealing with it is a humane trap that allows me to set them free in the back pasture. The housemates think I'm crazy, but I figure, I wouldn't want someone doing that to me.

The Franciscan heritage rises yet again..... icon_wink.gif
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 9:17 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
huh, some " humane " traps aren't
the glue strips are supposed to be humane, and non toxic, but you wind up with a glue strip that has mouse parts on it if you aren't right there when the mouse gets stuck. they rip thier skin right off to get away.
( unfortunately, those are the only traps available, so I have to terminate them when they get caught to avoid making them suffer. )

~evil grin ~

made a squeaky toy one night, folded glue strip around mouse and smacked it against table..went "squeek"....but it broke really quickly ( like about 5 seconds ) I think I hit it to hard on table and killed mouse.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 9:35 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
Okay, gonna get a little angry here, sorry. And my apologies if this sounds a bit too adamant.

You tried to make a mouse into a sqeaky toy by doing WHAT???

I was raised on a cattle ranch. I know how meat is processed and what the animals go through so we can all go to McDonald's on Friday night. It didn't make me a vegetarian to learn all this, because I know there are alternatives that are far worse to what goes on now in the processing plant.

But I find it difficult to understand anyone who would do something to an animal for amusement. While I was in Spain, I was taken to a bullfight by the sponsors of the festival at Merida, and I had to leave after the first "competition". My hosts were a little upset, but considering the "fight" was nothing more than a game of "let's torture this animal, then kill it and show everyone how brave we are", I was less than impressed, and I knew if I stayed there, I'd only get angrier. Hell, the only time I got in a fight in school was when I saw a kid pulling the classic trick of tying firecrackers to a kitten's tail, then laughing when the animal freaked out. It's the only time I've purposely broken someone's jaw in a fight, but that laugh... I swear, I could never forgive that. Yeah, I know, it's a rough world, and people aren't always nice to each other, let alone to the animals out there. But that doesn't stop me when I see someone purposely being cruel to their pets.

And as for the mouse... well, tell me, how would you feel if someone wrapped you in meter-wide duct tape, then slammed you a few times against a brick wall? Probably not too good, right? So consider that the next time you think about making a toy out of a living creature.

Okay, rant over. And my apologies. But this is a sensitive issue to me.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 10:21 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
That's a big OW for the mousie, Jaqui. Eeeeech.

On the other hand, one can play a harmless, non-toxic prank on kitty by rolling up a little bit of scotch tape, sticky side out, and sticking it to the bottom of a paw or paws. (Do NOT wrap the CAT in scotch tape, please note, or throw the cat anywhere!) Kitty will do a nice jig until the tape comes off the bottom of her feet.

Do not do this more than once, because the cat will just pick the tape off her feet with her teeth, next time, instead of hopping around madly.

This is the only remotely mean thing i've ever done to my kitty, and she still loves me, Sean. i swear!

Of course, the animal kingdom has had its revenge: two days ago, Nan versus the yellowjacket! i won that one, but not before hopping madly about the street in front of my house and then running up on the porch & stripping off my tee shirt, where the yellowjacket had gotten caught. Strangely, nobody was around to see this! Pity, it would have been funny. icon_redface.gif

Did my cat laugh? Probably. But cats and dogs are nice, and do not laugh out loud.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 10:33 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
wrapping the glue strip it was already stuck to around it and hitting it against a solid surface to kill it is more humane than letting it rip itself apart trying to and getting free.

you would rather it was left alone and suffered for hours or days on the glue strip?

5 seconds and dead, seems much more humane than even 1 hour .

I grew up on a pig farm, been knee deep in rotting pig ( died if disease, buried in field and it wasn't a deep enough grave ) learned very young that shortening the suffering is more humane than leaving any animal to suffer. on several occasions where getting injured pet to the vets would have resulted in dead pet before arrival, I had to put them out of thier misery. unfortunately, don't have a small enough caliber gun to shoot the mice with so I hit them to kill them, better than letting them alone, or completely encasing them in the strip and tossing into garbage alive.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 10:47 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
OH, it was already stuck to the glue strip and dying. Sorry, misunderstood. Yes, a quick end is preferable at that point.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 10:53 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
I'm with you VS much prefer relocation to execution. even spiders, I've spent hours hunting down and carfully trapping a spider to release it outside, rather then squash it as my girlfriend would prefer. I draw the line only at mesqitos, if there was ever a creature which would benfit the world by it's eradication it's the mesquito.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 10:56 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
the glue strip it was already stuck to

Well, see, you kinda neglected to mention that part.

I still have issues with the strips themselves, but that's just me. I just find it difficult to accept that we sometimes cavalierly do things to animals we wouldn't dare do to a "fellow" human being, no matter how represensible he/she was acting.

Sorry for coming on so strong about this, but animal cruelty is one of the few things in this world guaranteed to really piss me off bigtime.

My apologies.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 11:39 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
sorry I wasn't clear about it already being stuck.

I personally don't like the glue strips, would rather something to keep them alive ( in city so no release options really ) or to kill them outright, not force them to suffer.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 11:39 am Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
oh I don't know VS, there's a few humans I'd cheerfully wrap in glue strips & smack on a table till they were dead, you'd probably need 2 or 3 good hard smacks icon_lol.gif sorry I couldn't resist.

Rob
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 12:30 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
there's a few humans I'd cheerfully wrap in glue strips & smack on a table till they were dead

Trust me, same here.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 1:14 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
Believe me guys we aren't cruel I prefer quick and death or live capture and release, but this building owners just buy the glue strips and people call them HUMANE.. Sheesh.. They have never seen the little things spread eagled on the strip pulling til their skin is ripping off their bodies because you weren't home to dispose of them when they first got stuck on the damned thing. Half the time I don't want to kill them I want to help them.. Problem is once stuck the only way to save it is to tear it off the strip or use chemicals that would kill it anyway.

I have come to think of some of the mice in here as Super intelligent. They have to be. Some just plain skirt the glue traps. Others are bold enough to get on the table and try to steal matchboxes or paper. or FOOD. and stare at you.

The other night I thought it was raining.. Looked out the window and it wasn't heard the noise again (remember i am half asleep at this point) and started searching a shelf by our bed. Heard the nois closer moved some books and found a plastic bag. Grabbed the bag and it MOVED!! I grabbed the bag and yelled for Jaqui (he thought I was having a nightmare. ) the mouse was in the bag. Dang thing packaged himself up quite nicely too..

Then there's the one who sits on the end of our bed one day and stares at me.. *SHEESH* or the one who boldly strolls into the bathroom. Sees me then saunters out. like "oops sorry thought it was empty."

We owned a rat.. I would take a rat over these mice anyday.. *Sigh* at least rats KNOW who's master. They are.

mice know you are good for having food. and great companions and annoyances..
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 3:08 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
i live in florida. i guess i am lucky, i have no mice or cockroaches. what i do have are lizards. i am not sure how they get in, but, some of them are almost 4 inches long. i try very hard not to scare them...the babies, at least, when i turn on the coffee pot in the a.m. there are usually a couple really small ones on the countertop...and if they get startled, they jump...and sometimes crash to the floor, stunning themselves. now, that can't be good. when it's been raining out, i have them. it seems, when it dries up a bit, they head back outside.

actually, they are cute. and, they do eat bugs. now bufo frogs are another story!!!
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 3:48 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
also in florida, I've got those lizards too Poppi.
try to shoo them out before my girlfriend sees them, I also have a cat named roxy who occasionaly likes to play with them, they must not be very tasty coz I've never seen her eat one. though I have caught her carying them around in her mouth, its always freeky to see her walking into a room with a lizard tail whipping around between her lips, but she always spits it out unharmed, if only to bat the poor thing around some more before I take pitty on the lizard and put it outside. I don't let the cat out anymore coz (cover your ears poppi) she loves to catch and eat birds.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 4:13 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
Stormrage wrote:
We owned a rat.. I would take a rat over these mice anyday.. *Sigh* at least rats KNOW who's master. They are.

aww Sheena wasn't that bad, she just did gymnastics around her cage all night ( while I was at work )

and snuggled into the hollow of your neck or at the back of your neck when she wanted company.

and the noise of her jumping up then paw over paw across the top of her cage before dropping onto her house inside wasn't that bad. ~g~

~mumbling~
at least she didn't climb into your mouth while you were talking on the phone like she loved to do with me.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 4:17 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
~rubbing my nose~
or decide she could stretch your nostrils far enough apart to sqeeze into your nasal cavities.

or try crawling into your ears.
no, only me she did these things to.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2002 4:24 pm Post subject: Add User to Ignore List Reply with quote
Jaqui wrote:

~mumbling~
at least she didn't climb into your mouth while you were talking on the phone like she loved to do with me.

*LOL* Yeah while He was on the phone with his sister. Talking and all of a sudden Rat in mouth disease. icon_smile.gif He had to hand the phone to me. And I had to explain to his sister that he couldn't talk because he had a rat in his mouth.. I can still hear her scream of WHAT?!!!

Hey Hun.. she loved you.. can't say I don't blame her either your nostril is a good hiding place for a rat. *GRIN*
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by oz_media

Man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
He says to the bartender, "This, kind sir, is the world's most talented octopus on the Earth! If my octopus can play your favorite song on the piano over there, will you buy us our drinks?"

Bartender thinks for a minute, 'It must be a scam' so he says "tell you what, if he can play my son's accordion, you have a deal".

He hands the octopus an accordion and the 8 legged wonder plays a vast array of old salty tunes.

AMAZED, the bartender buys them a round and says "I know, wait here, if he can play THIS instrument I'll buy you drinks all night."

He returns with a set of bagpipes. The octopous jumps up and grabs the bagpipes, and tears out of the bar and across the street to a hotel.

The bartender starts laughing and says, "Well he aint THAT talented is he!?"

The man says "Pour me another round, as soon as he finds out he can't f**k 'em, he'll be back here playing Amazing Grace in no time."

by hal 9000

That you would need many changes of cloths or they would start running away as you approached as they would know what was coming. :^O

Blood Splatters are a mongrel to remove quickly. :p

Col ]:)

by antuck

Actual Personal Ads in the Dublin News:

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fianc?e, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a
lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

by hal 9000

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Well I've been told that I always post a Friday Yuk way too early so I waited. :p

It's not that I post early but that everyone concerned is only a couple of hours too close to the wrong side of the International Date Line. :^O

Col ]:)

by antuck

This is amazing. I had seen something simular to this before and you read through it without any problems understanding. Funny how the mind works.

by oz_media

Take a piece of paper and cover up the bottom half of the words in a sentence. Try reading the sentence.

Now take the paper and cover the top half, the sentence becomes illegible.

We capture images of words, the tops of the taller letters are more important to reading than the bottom of the letters.

by hal 9000

An Axe is really a Tool and in most buildings you can still find a "Fire Axe" that is quite useful when required. ;)

You can use then to cut down doors to get out of burning buildings when the fire extinguishers have run out and use them on the end users when the CO2 Extinguishers have run out as well with a bit of luck the CO2 will have frozen them so that they shatter when hit with the Fire Axe. :D

Col ]:)

by jdclyde

but even a tool can be used to "fix" another tool.

Modifications and alterations are often needed.

Now go forth and alter!

by surflover

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually all female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation only requires 1 suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all you own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of useful stuff everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be President. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix damn near everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, 'He must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another service station because this ones 'just too yucky'.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work.... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental; $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's Sports Center
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Fuck it".
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. you think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere

by jaqui

one wrong.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

even the gays don't keep it a secret, they'll just up and ask you.

by oz_media

A lot of people think that closed ended questions are best used in closing sales or making a point.

I find them excellent in that situation. "You swallow, right?"

"Ooooops...sorry, you should have said something earlier!" :)

And then there's the old, "Gee I didn't know that was gonna happen, sorry."

Funny how many women actually still believe that guys really don't know when 'it'is gonna happen. WE ALWAYS KNOW, WE JUST PLAY DUMB AND OUT OF CONTROL!

by surflover

Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
You can sleep your way to the top.
You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
Brad Pitt.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

by maecuff

Next time an email goes unanswered or a request gets pushed aside because I lack the, ummmm...proper equipment, I'm gonna even the playing field..

by jdclyde

That is uncalled for. It is one thing to give someone a new hair part, it is entirely a different better when you start messing with the guys down there!

Somethings just shouldn't even be joked about! :O

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