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Friday Yuk

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by oz_media

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Well first of all I had to laugh at this one. It was pointed out on a local rock stationtoday,

Google: Failure

And a yuk to boot (as if I can top that):
[i][b]Warning, may be offensive to some readers[/b]
{must be over 18 post your credit card number here _______)[/i]

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot

Happy Friday, have a good weekend! :D

23 replies

by jck

Beavis and Butthead.

I think most guys would go on welfare and stay home and mess with it all day.

Uh huh huh...come to Butthead...uh huh huh huh ]:)

by itgirli

Seamus was driving down the street in a sweat because he
had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Seamus looked up
again and said "Never mind. I found one."

by montgomery gator

Sean asked his good friend Seamus if he would pour a bottle of Irish Whiskey over his grave if he died first. Seamus said he would, "but only if I could pass it through my kidneys first".

by anykey???

Seamus is sitting in the pub, half sh!tfaced and lamenting on how life turns out without your control.

He says look at the church across the street, I built that by myself with my own two hands and no help from no one, but do they call me Seamus the church builder? NOOOOOOOO!!!!

I build the wrought iron fence around the cemetary with nothing but a fire some iron a hammer and my own two hands, but do they call me Seamus the fence builder? NOOOOO!!!

I laid every single brick on every single street in this town by myself without any help whatsoever, but do they call me Seamus the bricklayer? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

but you get caught fvcking one godd@mn sheep, and everyone knows you by name.

by hal 9000

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to take flexitime. But there had to be a way.

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. ?I know how to get some time off work,? the man whispered.
?How?? hissed the blonde on the next workstation.

Instead of answering he jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself. ?Look!? He hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds his supervisor emerged from the department head?s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what he thought he was doing.

?I?m a light bulb? answered the public servant.

?I think you need some time off,? barked his supervisor. ?Get out of here - that?s and order - and I don?t want to see you back here until you have had two weeks break after finishing your treatment with the departments Shrink! Do you understand me??

?Yes Sir? the public servant meekly answered, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The blonde was hot on his heals.

?Where do you think you?re going?? Barked the Boss.

?Home,? she said lightly. ?I can?t work in the dark.?

Cheers guys

Col ]:)

by anykey???

What does a guy with a 12" d!ck have for breakfast?
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This morning I had a cup of coffee and a donut ;)

by jck

are one sick puppy.

Ever thought about joining the Swill Consortium? :D

by anykey???

You mean to tell me that it is not just some internet urban legend.

You are d@mn right I will where do I sign my name

BTW, do you know what a wicker box is
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that is what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Britney Spears ;)

by dugadugdug

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." He picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "The steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
Doctor: "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

by jck

The app comes with the 216 page dossier to complete, and the usual requirement that you get me photos of my choosing.

After that, then you have to name 12 Playboy Centerfolds from a specific year (in order).

Then, you have to tell bring me womens' underwear from a blood relative and wear them on your head while singing the jingle to the "Gee, your hair smells terrific!" shampoo commercial from the 70s.

That's just the first page. I'll email the other requirements later. :D

by anykey???

I never new that playboy put the centerfolds name in the magazine, I guess I have to get one and READ it, I am still kinda befuddled by this, It seems that I have missed a lot in that magazine, I bet you are gonna tell me that they actually have informative articles in it also.

Other than the playboy research that I will have to do(bummer) ;) I believe I can easily handle the rest of page one pretty well.

Here is a little something to put a smile on your face.

There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig sh!t and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate her green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her tw@t

why do gays wear ribbed condoms??
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better traction in the mud

by oz_media

Man, TR pulled Guru's post about SPAM because he offered 'suggestions'of pornographic email, regarding enlarging your 'member'.

SUGGESTIVE, not colourful or asterisked out.

Oh well, perhaps we have a more Liberal crowd on TR these days, ooooops, didn't mean to say the L word.

by oz_media

Well if we are going there and nobody is screaming offensive;

How do gays fake orgasms?

They spit on each others back.

by oz_media

Just puke on your naked date when you've done your business and you get instant swill certification.

Or spend an hour with me in a pub and if you don't think I'm swill, you are one sick mofo.

by ozi eagle

Young couple. about to get married. Mother of the bride has a pre nuptial talk to her daughter.
Mum: " Your Dad's and my sex life has been very dreary for a while. Could you take some pointers on how youngsters do it these days and let me know after your honeymoon?"

After the honeymoon daughter rushes to Mum's and tells her all about it: " Oh Mum, it was wonderful. The best was when he climbed on the wardrobe and dive bombed onto me."
Mum: " Wow! That's something we've never tried. Come back tomorrow and see how the older generation fares."

Next day daughter goes to see her Mum and there is a note on the door - GONE TO HOSPITAL.
Daughter rushes to hospital to find her mum in an oxygen tent, looking very pale.
Daughter: "Mum! What happened?"
Mum: "Well you know that way of having sex by dive bombing from from the wardrobe, that you told me about, we tried it last night.
They've already operated three times and still haven't found your poor father."

by oz_media

Has anyone Googled failure yet?

#1 hit is a direct link to GWB's biography on WhiteHouse.gov :D

by softcorp.us

Hi Oz...

And #2 is michaelmoore.com. Results are similar on other search engines.

These results reek of search manipulation. The word 'failure' does not even appear on these pages. The explanation is that a page linked TO using the word "failure" will rise in rank in the search results even if that page does not have the word itself.

Google bombing of 'failure'
http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/google.asp

Google Bombing in general
http://www.microcontentnews.com/articles/googlebombs.htm

by oz_media

I have been into SEO for long enough to know that those pages don't fit Goggle's algorhythms at all. In fact they would be disqualified completely for the entry. They will peak and get dropped as usual.

Someone had a fun idea though.

by sleepin'dawg

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

[b]CONCLUSION:

[i]Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you...........[/i][/b] :^O

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by sleepin'dawg

The little boy is sitting in his bright red fire engine. He has a rope going from it to his dog, and they are walking down the sidewalk.

Just as the boy passes a man, the man says: "Hello son. What are you up to?"

"I'm going to put out a fire," the little boy says.

"Don't you think you'd get there sooner if you tied the rope around the dog's neck instead of his balls?" the man asked.

"Yeah," said the boy, "I thought of that, but then I'd lose my siren."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

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