Friday Yuk

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
1. The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that
you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Or

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all

year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Have a gret one Guys & Girls.

Col ]:)

http://www.insanepictures.com/fl.shtml?0077.htm

And just in case you're wondering, my chunky baby is quite well, and EXTREMELY cute... and you can take a look at http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/delennrose/

Have you ever gone to an interview and asked "What do you have to offer me that would make me want to work here?" ;)

When you get to that stage you're way past it in the sanity stakes I know as that was how I used to approach interviews. At one I was so bad that the project never went ahead because I told than that following every one of their safety procedures I could create a Fission reaction that would take out all of Sydney in the Blink of an Eye. Some fools wanted to put me in charge of a Cyclotron. :^O

There where 2 distinct groups there the Industry Guys all of whom knew me and how I would behave and then the Bureaucrats who thought that they where interviewing me for the position and couldn't quite handle my attitude in asking them all "What's in it for me?" From that point on things went downhill fast which is really a shame as we do need that cyclotron here but the bureaucrats can not come to terms with the fact that they don't know it all and they may get some reckless person like me who does the right thing and ignores them at every opportunity. :D

At that particular installation there was a Greenpeace protest and the protesters just walked through the main gate past the security guy which I find unpardonable but the Bureaucrats thought it was A OK because no one actually got inside the Reactor Building. If I was running the place they wouldn't have even got onto the grounds let alone be allowed to stroll as they liked through the front gate. :)

Good to hear Bubs is doing OK but when she gets older she'll not thank you for all that Fat that you have piled on her now. :p

Col ]:)

I'm working on my MCSD in .NET 2003 right now.

Used to be you could learn it and do your work.

Now ya gotta pay $150 per exam and carry around a piece of paper to prove you learned it.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

(yeah, it's me again!)

An elderly woman returns home to find her husband in bed with a young girls. Enraged, she flings him out of the window and watches him plummet to his death.

At her trial, she pleads not guilty to murder. "How can you plead not guilty?" asks the prosecuting lawyer.

The wife replies " I didn't know he was going to die. I reckoned if he could still commit adultery at the age of 98, there was a good chance he could fly, too"

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time....

A man's ultimate embarrassment - walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.......

Have a wonderful weekend, all!

GG

what about when the guy knows bra size better than the girl?
I've picked out bras for female friends and they fit better than the one's the girls were picking. she was off by a cup size.

btw, her eyes are green.
her hair is brown

5'10"
38D
28"
26"
135lbs
( last time I saw her )

but for me, eyes are what really catch my attention on a woman. :)

I have a soft spot for almond shaped brown eyes, and long dark hair.
( go figger, I married a blue eyed platinum blonde )

http://graphics2.snopes.com/photos/katrina/graphics/skybush.jpg

~rotflmao~

For my son 31 this year. He has a blood vessel which didn't close off after birth so when he was in his late 20's he had to go in for surgery to block off this blood vessel. Unfortunately as we where going there a fully loaded refrigerated truck rear ended us and destroyed a perfectly good just restored Classic Mercedes. What was even worse is it was one that I had bought for my wife and I was driving it. :(

The wreckage is still sitting in the driveway until the legal stuff is finished but didn't I cop heaps for that one. My son on the other hand was watching the whole thing all I saw was a flash of white before the impact and since he had to be at the meat-works I was left with the car until the Police arrived and did their business and then tried to give me a ticket for wanting to move the wreck. They where very outspoken until some idiot came around the corner and hit the Police Car which meant another round of statements and a very long wait and then they wanted the Mercedes moved. :)

But of course the operation failed and the surgical team had a .5 inch stainless shunt going around my sons blood system one of the few times that I would have liked to be in the OR as it would have been interesting seeing them trying to retrieve it before it killed him. Of course being the obnoxious brat that he is he just went to sleep and didn't care. Apparently the video of that procedure is a Must See for any Cardiac Surgeons and I did see the shunt a nasty looking piece of hardware with very sharp spikes on the outside of it.

When he was woken up he had a nurse hovering over him with the same surname and his first comment was "When did you marry me and what's worse how am I going to explain this to my girlfriend outside?" Anyway the cardiac Surgeon came around and with all the family around and his new wife :D showed him the bit that they lost and then offered him two alternatives one was to wait for a new device to be made available from the US and the other was to crack his chest and clamp the blood vessel for some strange reason he chose the first option as that was inserted with a laparscope through a small incision in the right leg {again.} Anyway he was worth far more before the repair was done so now he is a worthless piece of meat that isn't even worth the butchering fees. :(

My daughter on the other hand is as normal as you can expect a 29 year old to be who's just returned from a Round the World Trip as soon as she landed she was on the phone telling us that she was home safely and wanting some money. :^O

Col ]:)

between evacuating like everyone else and taking part of the looting.

Until there is evidence of more than just these two women, I will continue to give them the benifit of the doubt. I personally will not condemn every cop just because of what these two have done, will you?

I also would not blame them at all if they evacuated. That is what you do, get yourself out of danger, THEN you help take care of the problem or you become part of the problem.

I just moved back here from Port Hardy, everyone I saw was wearing a mack. :D

Actually I think I might have seen it before, just a distant foggy memory, perhaps deja vu?

That slogan sounds really extreme but scarily enough, it is a true viewpoint to many people that have had thier lives changed forever due to his hasty actions and rash, self servient decisions.

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

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Hurts all over

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

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Alcy Vs Drunk

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A: A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.