Friday Yuk

A young Tennessee boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school. Then he gets an idea.

He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says," you
won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. His
father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited...
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This
morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the Recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog,"

"Sure did, Dad! I sure did!"

"That's my boy!"

on the way into work this morning I saw in the window of a truck

"My other toy has t!ts"

Highlight of my day so far!

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say . . . I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked . . . "Is that one word or two
words? "

Fridays seem to be slowed days in the Tech Republic. What's up with that? Do people only get their tech fix while their at work? And do people only work Mon thru Thur? Don't people have something called Internet access from home? Do real tech geeks have real lives and real stuff to do outside of work? Just a few things to ponder over the weekend.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a suicide bomber from the Hounslow area of the City.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics London?s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position, competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:
1 - A Moving Police Van
2 - A Post Office Clerk
3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
4 - Their next door neighbour?s youngest child. NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was The Filth? or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the London University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at a Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Thames run through London?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Surrey and get it back to London using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate in Wormwood Scrubs takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of London, competitors from every nation will be chased across Victoria Park, Hackney by Knife wielding locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.

Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Chavs forming a circle and pissing on it.

Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.

-------------------------

Any other suggestions for 2012?

Neil :D

Using such words on the internet is a nasty thing these days.

We were actually talking about that on a band forum a whlie back. Judas Priest is touring (coming to Van) with Anthrax.

So there are dozens of posts about Anthrax, gonna be keeping the homeland security guys busy for a while I guess. :D

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to take flexitime. But there had to be a way.

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. ?I know how to get some time off work,? the man whispered.
?How?? hissed the blonde on the next workstation.

Instead of answering he jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself. ?Look!? He hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds his supervisor emerged from the department head?s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what he thought he was doing.

?I?m a light bulb? answered the public servant.

?I think you need some time off,? barked his supervisor. ?Get out of here - that?s and order - and I don?t want to see you back here until you have had two weeks break after finishing your treatment with the departments Shrink! Do you understand me??

?Yes Sir? the public servant meekly answered, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The blonde was hot on his heals.

?Where do you think you?re going?? Barked the Boss.

?Home,? she said lightly. ?I can?t work in the dark.?

Have a good one Chaps. ;)

Col ]:)

you need to have an explosion deep within it.
this would spread the toxic burning sulfer over a wider area.

they get fires there all the time.
just bury the flame and smother it.

need to create a situation where they can't.

it may be hard for you to believe it but atlanta IS worse than detroit and has been for a few years now.

Maybe that is because the detroit population has been dwindling? (everyone already shot)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON HERE, THEN??!!

:D

GG

I thought I was going to get some scuttlebutt out of that subject line...

that's twice already today you've had me crying with laughter!!

:D

GG

at smaller sail boats. Even have my boys geeked on the idea of something small enough we can handle yet big enough we could spend a weekend on.

Of course they understand that until the divorce is final AND I get a new (smaller) house that I won't be buying a boat.

I still wonder if they mentioned to the EX that I make a point of stopping to look at EVERY corvette that is for sale that I see? LOL!

And there IS sand on a golf course! Lots of sun! And one thing you hopefully DON'T see while sailing, TREES! Sex, almost!

I need to borrow my step-dads two man sail boat and get out! Start teaching the boys to sail!

But then, when I have my new sail boat I can SAIL somewhere to play golf! B-)

Is sex 5th on your list of priorities? Even behind sand and sun? wow And I didn't know you guys had sunshine in England. Isn't it always foggy or rainy there? Or maybe that is just London. I know...it's a stereotype. I spent a week in England once. It only rained four of the days I was there.

You should know by now that it's always first! (first, last and anywhere in between!...oh, if only!) :8}

Surprised at the weather myself yesterday, was the ideal day for a tootle. I've actually picked up some colour, and for the first time in ages, it's not RUST!!

Just remember, Mark, that in England, you get all four seasons in one day - if all it did was rain while you were over here, you were very lucky!!

I assume you only got to London, not anywhere NICE ??? (ohooo! Neil will get me for that!)

GG

:x

Gadgets, in between what? :o

When I was in England, we ventured out of London for a couple of days. Went to Bath and Stonehenge. WTF were those Stonehenge carpenters thinking?? Actually we did have several seasons each day. I remember one morning the weather forecast was "sunny and rainy".

:O

..............:8}

............................:x

GG

You're asking me in between what??

What?

You don't know?!

Gosh, I'm shocked.

In between the beginning and the end, of course!

:p

Weather maps in the UK tend to start getting a little silly from about next month. Scotland - rain, NE England - mist and drizzle, NW England - fog and rain, SE England - warm and sunny, SW England - blazing tropical heat.....

see what I mean?!

:D

GG

Sailing is for fun and escape from the hi tech world unless of course you are into competitive sailing then it's almost always Hi Tech, Cutting Edge and not much Fun! :(

But on the up side over this side of the Pond we have the Sydney Hobart, then sail back to Sydney then a bit latter the Sydney Brisbane followed just before Easter the Brisbane Mackay and then onto the Whitsundays for the Easter Races. Now those are for letting your hair down and really enjoying yourself provided you can actually move about the boat with all the competitors for the "Figure Head Competition. :D

Not much real sailing but a hell of a lot of FUN sailing with lots of booze to drink while you are about it and naked women draped all over the boat. You never mention the word "Sheets" as they all take it to mean something completely different to what you actually meant. :p

At one of those meetings I watched a Guy so drunk along with his crew that they sailed into a cliff as if you could miss it and when we got there we had to put half our crew on board to kedge him off the rocks and sail his boat back to Harbor. When the owner woke up the next day there was Hell to Pay for all the that had been done to his boat and he just didn't believe that he had sailed into a cliff. Even when some person showed him a video of the incident he demanded it immediately and went very quite. Needless to say there where a lot of repairs done to that boat after that meeting but at least there was no major damage. :^O

You have never lived until you've been to the Whitsunday Races it almost makes all the hard work at the other races worth it. :D

Col ]:)

The DNR (Department of Natural Resources, thing natures nazis) and coast guard cracked down HARD on the drinking and driving of ALL vehicles. Off road and all water craft. Zero tolerance for ANY drinking and driving.

In Michigan we have lots of lakes and trails so there was a big issue for a while. Now they just cut it off and they WILL stop you to check.

They are very uptight about drinking here. Friggen MADD has our drinking age set to the highest in the friggen world! At the age of 18 you can join the military, buy a gun, buy a house, but you can't buy a beer till your 21. What is wrong with this picture people?

I will never give MADD a penny. (Mothers against Drunk Drivers). They even have our blood limit way down so instead of cracking down on the drunken drivers they turned two glasses of wine with dinner into a crime. Someone slap them please?

Well, since I'm older than 18, I am quite glad the age limit is 21. I wouldn't mind if it was even higher. Wouldn't effect my in a negative way. You surely know how irresponsible 18 yr olds are, don't you? They aren't much better at 21. An 18-yr old kid can't kill me on the highway or voting or joining the military, but he/she can by drinking.

Cause in Atlanta, we have rednecks with shotguns in pickup trucks is why no one talks bad about the place!

It was 21 when I was growing up and it only meant I had to pay someone an extra $10 to go in and buy for me.

Unreasonable laws promote a disrespect for all laws that carries on later in life. You grow up picking and chosing which law you feel like obaying.

middle aged women in SUV's have been PROVEN to be the next greatest threat on the road, second ONLY to teenage boys. Can we get them off the streets too?

Yes SIR. Not a single slur will I utter, even if this is down by where they REALLY DO use a TOOTH brush instead of TEETH brushes. LOL!

I was 15 (or it may have been 14) when my friends and I first figured out how to get our grubby little hands on beer. I don't know that a 21 year old age limit is unreasonable. It is a helluva nuisance though. So it surely cuts back on how much alcohol kids guzzle. They have to drink in places where they are less likely to get caught, which means not in public. It cuts down on 18-yr olds going to a bar,getting plastered and then driving home. When I was underage, we usually had to sneak out to someone's pasture to drink. I was still pretty immature at 21, and at 21 (or even 25) I regularly got trashed at a club and got behind the wheel anyway. Damn near killed myself, my friends and people in other cars more times than I want to remember. But hopefully at least a few 21-yr olds have more sense than they did at 18.

jd- I would love to remove all middle-aged women driving SUVs from the road. They cannot properly control such a large vehicle and often further impair their ability to drive by talking on the cell phone. I believe that if a women is going to buy and/or drive an SUV, she needs a special license. That special license should then only be distributed by authorized mature males that agree that the woman can indeed handle the vehicle properly after three one-hour on-the-road tests.

As far as the drinking age is concerned, I actually bought my first bottle of liquor from an ABC store when I was 17 years old. I was not carded, and I think that was because I was drunk when I went in there. I also went in there with a cousin of mine, who at the time was in her mid-30s.

When I was 16, I went into a liquor store with a friend, who was also 16. We were gonna try to buy beer, just for the thrill of trying. We figgered there was no way little punks like us would get away with it. We sashayed up to the counter with our six-pack of Lone Star beer and my friend brazenly plopped his ID on the counter. The gal looked at it, then did a double-take and looked again, then looked at us and mumbled something and sold us the beer. I guess she was lousy at math.

Detroit has had a number of infamous race riots (in 1943 and 1967 and probly a few more). I don't think Atlanta has had any of such epic proportions. Also, everyone knows the city gets severely trashed whenever one of their pro sports teams wins a champeenship. I was hoping Detroit would beat the Spurs in this year's NBA playoffs just so I could read about that night's revelry-induced rioting.

First girli, it is a FACT that drunk little girls are WHY many MEN buy beer in the first place. If they are cute then it is a right to the front of the line.

When I was 18 (just turned) my 17 year old girlfriend would go in and buy for us all the time. She just had to smile a lot at the cashier and bingo.

middle age women and the real threat they are to the rest of us.

First, putting them in this big SUV gives them a false sence of security. In bad snow storms it is 4 to 1 SUVs and Trucks in the ditches because some dumba$$ thinks 4wheel drive keeping them from getting stuck will also help them drive down the highway at normal speeds.

Then add in the "mom" factor. You have some crying brat in the back your trying to deal with or have to get the kids to soccer practice on time, look out!

If we can't get them off the road, at least put a flasher on them to warn the resonable population.

Which would you rather have, YOUR kid drinking at a party in your basement with some friends legally or out driving around drinking because they don't have a legal place to go?

A woman here in Michigan got busted for letting her kid throw a party and even bought the booze for the party. She is looking at serious jail time now.

I would much rather take the keys from everyone as they come in and give them back in the morning, and know they were in a safe, secure location to get together without driving to and from hideouts.

We always went to the beach. Where we went was about a two mile walk so no one went out there to disturb us. Huge blaze, drunk cuties on the beach and lots of yukon jack! Ah, the good old daze!

I'm more worried about the harried, hassled, hurried soccer moms haphazardously zooming around in their stupid little mininvans with nine crazy 9-year olds stuffed inside.

when I made my liquor purchase there was a middle-aged woman behind the counter, so I wasn't smiling and winking. But that doesn't mean she wasn't interested.

we haven't had a riot since the last time we did! How many people can say that? (or even THINK a circular thought like that?)

Lansing had a riot a few years back too. Disgraceful. shows some of the fans of sports today are scum.

LA sure did earn their name though. What started out as a race riot turned into a bunch of scumbags and thugs looting and partying while they were doing it. The footage of the next few days of the LA riots showed people out having a good time walking off with armloads of stolen goods.

Now Texas on the other hand, it is too dang blasted hot for people to get out of the air conditioning to riot!

And of course it all goes back to the "steers and ......" :^O

The trouble is most kids don't wanna drink in the basement of their parents' house. They wanna go out and party hearty. And how about all the college kids at college parties? There aren't any adults around to stow away the car keys. If they drank but didn't drive I wouldn't have a problem with 18 yr olds drinking. All I know is I'm gonna be mighty pissed off if a drunk 18-yr old punk kills me in an auto accident. I'll be less pissed if the drunk is 21. Or maybe not.. :/ There must be something to this age thing because some rental car companies won't even rent a car to anyone under 25. And auto insurance rates are much higher for under 25. I don't think there is a drinking age limit in Europe. They don't seem to have a problem. Why do we in the U.S.?

Hear about the new lesbian construction company?

Everything is tongue and grove, no studs.

In 2003, the whole damn country of Iraq went on a for-free shopping spree. Shops, museums, banks, weapons depots chock full of WMDs...nothing was safe. Neither LA or Detroit can top that biggie. Hell, it's two years later and they still ain't cleaned up the mess yet.

You're right. Texans don't know how to riot. San Antonio was absurdly subdued after this year's NBA playoffs. Dallas was equally quiet when the Cowboys won all those Super Bowls in the '90s. I should have driven downtown and got things rolling.

We don't TEACH kids to drink responsibly. Sure over in England they get right well tanked up, but the rest of the civilized world ( ;\ ) has them drinking wine with their meals at an early age.

It isn't a big thrill to sneak around. Without having the sneaky thrill, half of the appeal is gone. Now all that is left is trying to get a girl drunk enough to say "yes" and that doesn't require you to drive around!

I see it as refusing to address the problem and making things worse. Long as I can remember the age has been 21 in Michigan, yet there is still a problem with underage drinking? How is this possible? don't they know there is a law saying they can't do this?

The problem is, the guys have to drive around looking for girls to get drunk. If there were more women saying yes to sex there would be less drunk kids on the road! It is ALL the womens fault! We need a cat house in Michigan! ]:)

If we guys look hard enough, we can always find a way to blame the female species for all our problems. So if I understand what you're saying, if women put out more often, we'd live in a Utopian world? ;)

NT

]:)

They rioted when Guns and Roses didn't turn up (well Axel didn't)!

Just goes to show you, it doesn't matter what the cause, if there's a riot, Vancouverites will jump in with fists flying.

Stanley Cup, Grey Cup, crappy concert, Police arrests etc. Vancouverites just love to riot.

you'll have to wait until you see him in person to say you won't laugh at him. ;)

just reading.
went to bed shortly afterwards.

I had been up for about 23 hours at the time I posted that. :)

I figured it wouldn't interest enough people to start a new thread.

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=40740

" A photo of IRON MAIDEN bassist Steve Harris performing at this past weekend's Ozzfest in Devore, California with egg shell on his shoulder and falling off his elbow has been posted online at this location (photo credit: Neil Lim Sang). Also available is a photo of MAIDEN guitarist Janick Gers performing with his left foot placed on a stage monitor that is covered in egg slime."

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/

"The manager of a well-known heavy metal band (*NOT* IRON MAIDEN) who attended this past weekend's Ozzfest show at the Hyundai Pavillion in Devore, California has submitted the following first-hand account of the evening that will surely go down as one of the most shameful moments in recent rock history (NOTE: at his request, the author's identity is being protected by BLABBERMOUTH.NET)"

What a crock of low class crap!
Read the second artice for a good idea of the whole story, it's at the bottom of the page.

Speakng of class...
From Iron Maiden's site:

"IRON MAIDEN wish to thank all the 45,000 Metal fans at Ozzfest in San Bernardino on Saturday night for sticking with us and giving us such a great response at the end of a difficult set. It was obvious to all there that we had a 'series of unfortunate events' throughout! These made it difficult for us to keep our momentum but your incredible support certainly helped us get through it. We guess it all adds up to a pretty memorable gig though!!!

This is, however, a Metal Festival. It is supposed to be fun for all. You fans pay very good money to be there and deserve to get a full and unhindered performance from all the bands. This was not the case last night.

So with this rather bizarre end to a good tour we are returning to the UK today for the Leeds and Reading Festivals and once again thanks to all of you who came out to see us these last few weeks.

FROM IRON MAIDEN "

From the Ozzfest site:
http://www.ozzfest.com/news_2005.html

A slam on Bruce, however it seems Bruce is sharing his political views a little too publicly. The whole issue about the Union Jack being rude is BS though, The Trooper ALWAYS has been about the redcoat British Trooper carrying the UJ across the battlefield (good single cover & Harris' arm tattoo as well).

Man, what a classless woman Sharon is sometimes, I think she's a great manager but has gone psycho. I used to really respect her for her strong attiude, but she's changed since the Osbournes kicked off its second season, it's like a mental issue since her recovery from cancer. I think she just decided to be a young antagonistic bitch, she needs some help I think, to get her professional side back in gear.

Being crass is one thing, being that low just makes her seem like a gutter girl. She's losing it.

Ozzy's own site has no mention, yet I am positive that Ozzy would never have condoned this, no matter what Bruce had said or done. He's not the bottom feeder of the family, Ozzy's a really nice guy weith one screwed up wife.

A sad, sad day for metal. A HUGE mistake for OzzFest, right in the middle of a surge of British Metal that's been growing so strong this summer.

well, gotta have something to do where the police will actively try to stop ya.
the drugs scene is so prevalient that doing a whack on the sidewalk won't even raise an eyebrow anymore.
rioting is the only thing left. ;)

topless women is legal.
drugs are common

rioting and public sex.. yet the latter don't get much beyond a "GET A ROOM" yell from people walking by.

In Detroit, yes Bruise had gone out of his way to tell people to come see then on THEIR tour to see a REAL show, not this BS.

He did mention the PA and the lenght of the set.

I can see them powering through that set and can't believe there wasn't a riot. Would have been a a$$whoopin if they would have tried this in Detroit, let me tell you!

How many other bands can you think of that would have finished that set? GNR stormed off for less than that! (losers that they are).

Sharron needs to get slapped around. I am not talking domestic violence because I don't think Ozzy would be the one to lay the smack down. Just violence.

A sad day. Glad I didn't see it. Thanks OZ.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
the whole time she was around. This was going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh!t
too.

THURSDAY

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire -like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - - which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bi*ch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps, I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bi*ch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - - - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

Have a good weekend all!!
:-)