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Friday Yuk

By DMambo ·
I hate to be presumptuous, but I've waited long enough, so here goes. Hope it's not a repeat.

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Canada, spotted a small black bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Canada where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I
have sex with you."

Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Canada and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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ROTFL

by BFilmFan In reply to Friday Yuk

Oh lawd that made me spurt coffee on my monitor!

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Sure...

by Jessie In reply to ROTFL

It was coffee huh?

Admit it B... you don't come here for the jokes do you? ]:)

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Ah, the classics

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

My uncle told this one about 20 years ago, the only difference was, that it was the same bear, the guy was just a bad shot so he would come back with a bigger gun everytime and the last one is a rocket launcher, when the smoke clears, no bear. Tap tap tap.

I do so love a good joke, even if it isn't new to me! Attaboy!

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A guy walks into a bar

by BHunsinger In reply to Friday Yuk

wearing a pink frilly shirt, lavender perfume, and with his hands closed before him. He announces, "whoever guesses what I have in my hands wins a b$%@ job" Then as his eyes adjust
he notices this isn't the gay pickup joint, it's a very hetero construction workers bar. One of the larger patrons announces he will play and says "it's a live elephant"
The first guy caarefully peers into his hands, looks long and hard. looks back at the patron and brightly announces"Well Folks, we hava a winner!"

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kids say the darndest things

by anykey??? In reply to Friday Yuk

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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remember to ask question before responding

by anykey??? In reply to Friday Yuk

A guy is in the checkout line at the Super Market when he notices that the rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.


He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !


His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I fu<ked on the pool table in front of all my buds whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse??
"No.." She replied.. "I'm your sons english teacher!!"

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once upon a time

by anykey??? In reply to Friday Yuk

once apon a time there was this punk rocker who had to go into town to get some groceries, anyway he went to the bus stop and when the bus arrived he got on and noticed that there was only one seat left on the whole bus and it was next to a nun.
so the punk rocker went and sat next to the nun and the bus continued on its journey.
about 5 mins into the trip the punk rocker looks at the nun and says how bout a fu<k!
The nun was disgusted and got off at the next stop. the punk rocker continued on his journey to town and as he was about to get off the bus the bus driver says to him did u ask the nun for a fu<k? he replied YES.

the bus driver says i'll give you some advice,
she goes to the cemetary over there and prays to the holy ghost every sunday.

the punk rocker says thanks and continues on. About 4 days later he decides to go and track down the nun, so he gets on the bus and goes to the cemetary, sure enough there she was.
So the punk rocker decides to go and get a sheet to pretend he's a ghost and creeps up behind the grave stone and jumps up and yells,
IIIII AAAMMMM TTTHHEEE HHOOLLYYY GGHHOOOOSSTTTT
and the nun gets up off her knees in suprise and says oooohhhh holy ghost what can i do for you? and the holy ghost says how bout a fu<k?
the nun replies but i'm a nun, and the holy ghost says you must do anything i say!
So the nun agrees and says but i'm on the rag this week, and the holy ghost says ok we 'll do it up the a$$.

so the nun spun aroung and up came the skirt and the holy ghost was just about to finish and it got the better of him and he ripped of his sheet and yells HAHAHAHA I'IM THE PUNK ROCKER!!!!!!!! and the nun rips off her dress and yells FU<K YOU I'M THE BUS DRIVER HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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one of my all time favorites

by anykey??? In reply to Friday Yuk

An Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah
lick ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bird, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me di*k on da curtains. She hits da fockin' roof".

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A pengiun takes his car into the shop

by DMambo In reply to Friday Yuk

A pengiun takes his car into the shop. The mecahnic tells him he'll take a look at it, but it'll take about an hour. The little bird can't drive anywhere, so he walks across the street to the shop to get an ice cream. Since he has no hands, the little fellah get vanilla ice cream all over his beak and some even runs down onto his chest.

After the hour has past, he returns to the auto shop. The mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The pengiun replies "No, that's just a little ice cream."

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Forum Posting

by Jessie In reply to Friday Yuk

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as ****-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

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