Friday Yuk

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

The web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

This site uses frames
And yet your browser does not.
One of these will change.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Microsoft Windows
Hackers exploit a new hole
You will need to patch

An old CD-ROM
How should I purge its data?
Oh, the microwave

That key puzzles me
I can find no use for it
Scroll Lock enigma

Ozone fills the room
How much did I overclock?
Processor is fried

I'm trapped in a loop
A bad recursive function
I cannot escape

Have a good weekend!

Neil :D

The Doctor:Because he tells you to take off your clothes.

The Dentist:Because,he tells you to open wide.

The Milkman:Because,he asks you;do you want it in the front or the back?

The Hairdresser:Because,he asks you do you want it blown or teased?

The Interior Decorater:Because,he tells you once it's in you'll like it.

The Banker:Because,he tells you,if you take it out to soon,you'll lose interest.

Last But Not Least,The Hunter:Because,he goes deep into the bush,he always shoots twice,and he always eats what he shoots.

off to sort out the boat ready for the Tall Ships, so back in a couple of weeks, mate!

Be good!

;)

GG

What I Want in a Man

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man

Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man

Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man

Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man

Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man

Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

"You make my software turn to hardware !"

"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE ? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."

"How C++ is like teenage sex:
1. It is on everyone's mind all the time.
2. Everyone talks about it all the time.
3. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
4. Almost no one is really doing it.
5. The few who are doing it are: A. Doing it poorly. B. Sure it will be better next time. C. Not practising it safely."

"Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't f*ck with it."

If I'm too drunk, I'm not too proud to sit down and let it dangle...I just worry sometimes about how high the fill in the bowl is...cold is never good, ya know :D

I'm more worried about when I'm old, can't focus, forget I could sit down and not risk missing, and my vision is bad enough I think I'm hitting it and can't see I'm not and my hearing is bad enough I can't tell I'm hitting the plastic toilet brush holder or wall. :D

Oh well...c'est la vie

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard looks up from the ground and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to go get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. He asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting, smoking joints with a monkey in a tree and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting (finishing another joint), and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuude! How much water did you drink?!"

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said.

He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then repeatedly punched him in the forehead with his tiny fist, saying "Damnit, that HURTS!"

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"

When I put in the last reply. :D

Col ]:)

I was just being sarcastic to a post hormonal, mammary gland leaking woman with a sore pelvis & fresh Stretch Marks. :p

I must be loosing it. :(

Col ]:)

something just flew over your head...take a second look

irony...it's what's for sarcasm... :p

some support hose? I got some on sale at Lane Bryant...I have some spares.

By the way, what's that scent you're wearing? It's absolutely divine!!! :D

we women, I mean. Kinda flaky, flighty..don't pay attention. In fact, this makes the second time in very recent history that I've completely missed the point in someone's post.

Perhaps I should take up knitting..

take a step back...especially if you were like me having to work long hours, go through incredibly boring meetings, managing a dept (I was "answer man" while boss was on vacation)...then dealing with homelife...your brain goes to some form of mush.

Ask around...I got to the point I couldn't remember the difference between names I was so rushed and stressed.

I'm surprised I can still remember my own. I still feel half drained a week later.

I need that vacation to Ireland more than ever.

Inhale...exhale...and...drink Guinness :)

If you really want to take up Knitting there is a jumper that my mother has been promising me for well over 15 years now and she keeps insisting that it will be ready by next winter. You could finish it off. ;)

Apparently only one of the front sides needs finishing now as everything else is done, but I just keep asking which Century do you mean when I'm told it will be ready by next winter? :p

But I could arrange for the bit that needs doing to be sent to you so you can finish it off. Currently I think that the wool will be falling to bits long before it even looks as if it will be finished. :(

Col ]:)

Sure..You're taking a risk, though. I can't knit and I have no patience. It might be better if I just threw a ball of yarn at you.

By the way, is a jumper the same as a sweater? Here, A jumper is a dress that (mostly) younger girls wear.

Is something like a sweater but it zips down the middle of the front so you can have it open on the not so cold days.

This one is a bit hard though as it has a lot of patterns on it with cables crossing every 20 or so rows of knitting. I asked my mother to knit me another one after the first literally fell to bits after about 20 years of use. So she started off going great but got to the last side and nearly had it finished when it was put aside and other then being moved about since then I don't think that it's ever been touched. The last that I heard about it was that my sister had it to finish off so our mother could knit her one. :D

But I've now given up all hope of ever seeing a finished product and even if it does eventually get finished I don't think it will be possible to remove the smell of moth balls as it has been packed away so long. :(

Mum actually knitted me a different jumper several years after the first one which used a round needle and it has scollop's all over it which is a real mongrel to actually wear as it catches on anything remotely close to you as you walk past. Like if you go within a mile of something it will catch on it and try to tear the knitting apart so I don't like it all that much as I hate destroying things for no reason. The thing is so bad I even got it caught on a steering wheel of one of the Mercedes and it was a standard Steering Wheel. I guess you can just imagine the problems that it gives at other times. :D

Col ]:)

The Northwest territories were split in 1999.

The West half is still The Northwest Territories, the right half is now the Territory of Nanavut.

Nanavut is one hell of a land of opportunity to be right now. If I could stand the cold, I'd be up there reeling in the dough myself I'm sure.

http://archives.cbc.ca/IDD-1-73-108/politics_economy/nunavut/
http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761554898/Nunavut.html

Overlooking the garbage dump(but not downwind), so I can watch the polar bears foraging.

James

With Polar Bears wouldn't you prefer to do downwind of them? :)

I once was told that a Polar Bear can smell its prey from five miles away that is why they send so many Scientists up there as too many of them get eaten by the Polar Bears. :D

Col ]:)

I always thought Beautiful British Columbia sounded sucky enough, but after moving here it proved itself accurate anyway.

Alberta's pretty damn cool too, definitely my 2nd choice here.

If I was there I'd be on the drive home!!

Its ok 8:06 *AM* here....ugh...right now I wish I was in your time zone..lol

For suspicious people?

Will you do me a favor ring them and tell them that a guy who was in the US on 11-9-2001 is now visiting the UK under a Diplomatic Passport and perhaps they can take him out the back and shoot him through the head for avoiding paying a train fare or something else quite nicely made up like shaking Blair's hand the wrong way.

His name is John Howard and the most suspicious looking person if ever I saw one. Must be going on 1.42 PM your time if you are close to GMT. :D

As if there is any part of the UK that isn't. :^O After all you drive 2 hours in reverse in any direction and you're in sea water from anywhere.

But seriously if you can have Howard shot dead several hundred times through the head it would be much appreciated. :)

Col ]:)

I can remember part numbers from 9300 IBM mainframes but I sure as Hell don't remember my birthday and when it comes to "She Who Must Be Obeyed" well she really doesn't have a hope in hell as there are birthdays on the 10-12-14-16 June hers is one of those my son is another and I can't remember who else is involved but as I've jumped on my 76 year old mother for ringing me up at 8.30 AM singing Happy Birthday to me she doesn't dare even begin to suggest that I try to remember.

Now if it was important like that obsolete IBM part number I would remember it. :)

Col ]:)

He probably can't balance the beer can in his hand...hahaha :D

BTW, I can crush an empty beer can on my forehead :)

Only one question Can I be the one using the electric cattle prod?

Col ]:)

Like a northern version of Montana, where my grandfather lived for a few years, after he immigrated from England. Just substitute "copper mines" for "oil". The politics sound very similar (and very enlightened).

If Alberta wants to leave Canada to join the USA, I would welcome them, if all of what you say is true. However, they might do better as an independent nation. :-)

Actually I don't mind Alberta's politics at all. It's often not the concepts that I disagree with, it's the underlying reasons.

Some have actually twigged on here that I do have a somewhat Republican mindset. Certainly in England I am considered Republican, in Canada I am seen as a strong right wniger because I don't suport bleeding hearts for the sake of supporting bleeding hearts.

I look on issues as they impact me and my community.

I also spend VERY little time, as do most Canadians, payng attention to Canadian politics, which are for he most part extremely passive in comparisson to our neighbour's to the south.

Being a right winger here can be a left winger from a US viewpoint. HWil I don't agree with ALL of Alberta's motions of government, one cannot ignore the success that province has shown. I say the West should separate, leave the people in Quebec to do as they wish and we can all get on with it. Albertan's have already expressed their want to have BC in thier corner if they were to separate, we have what they want, they have what we want.

While Alberta does boast some pretty cold winters, especially northern Alberta and near the rockies, for the most part is is also an extremely HOT place, with vast valleys and fields.

All in all, Alberta (to me)is near perfect. They have private liquore stores to replace 'government dairies', they have some pretty cute women, some really good party towns, excluding Calgary and Edmonton that have gone to the dumps in the last 10 years, they have the most majestic scenery around 'REALLY!', and they are also a place of great interest to me as they were the first real western establishment for the RCMP, the history and forts are awesome!

Politics? Who really gives a crap, nobody there does. The province is a leader and example of economic strength and the people aren't too bad either. Unfortunately, it's major cities are have seen better days, but for the most part it is one great place and I love hanging out in Banff, Lake Louise, and camping in Kananaskis country.

You may indeed agree with the economic policies of an independant Alberta(and there used to be a separatist movement there), but I am sure that knowing the mindset of my political friends from Alberta, you wouldn't find their foreign policies appealling. The conservative party, which has massive support in Alberta(almost a monopoly) favoured supporting the US in Iraq.

I think that a second tier of health care is inevitable though regrettable. Every other country that has universal health care has some level of fee for service.

Alberta has no sales tax, no debt or deficit, and a little cash from oil revenues in a reserve fund.

James

After the first time you shoot someone dead that is it. no matter how many times you shoot that same person afterwards, you will never be able to shoot them dead again.

Unless you resesitate! Then you could!

At least for shooting terrorists. They shot this bomber suspect five times and then called the air ambulance to try and save his life!

Unfortunately, in the case of getting people shot, my influence is fairly limited so I think that it's likely that you'll get John Howard back unharmed. If he looked a bit asian...

Sorry, mate! I'd organise it if I could!

I don't like all policies of th eLIberals by any stretch of the imagination either, nor NDP. IN fact every party has some flaws in my mind. If I was to do it, things owul dbe some of each, as with most people.

But your closing comments are exactly what I like besides the stunning country, I smoke, I drink and I pay MASSIVE sums in tac each year from foreign income I can't keep in some foreign places, Europe is handled but US, South American and Japanese income comes at a high price, it's almost not worth it sometimes when it's all hacked away at by every corner of the universe, by the time all is said and done, it's a waste most of the time.

In Alberta, I could keep European income and do my own thing locally while paying lower taxes. I smoke, drink etc. ALL taxable in BC, but nothing but fun in Alberta. Alberta has opened my eyes more than once to a lucrative opportunity or two, some provate business, some investments etc. All in all a better deal though.

Yes there are a lot of wannabe and former Texans in Alberta. Who cares though, let them all have thier Stampede once a year, I'll go to drink beer and hit on the hotties, then they can all go back to their ranches and dream of being Texans again.

A good grease up and a cattle prod sounds quite inviting. Who's driving first?

"Ohh, I never had one up THERE before!"
(Monty Pythons game show sketch, when referring to the 'dagger in the cli***s' prize).

[One that I think, only die hard Monty fans would remember.]

"What swims under water and goes POP POP POP (makes fish-mouthed sucking sound)."

Woman- "A GOAT!"
Host- "nooo, not a goat"

Woman-"An underwater goat with a snorkel and flippers!"
Host- "noooo, haha, no that's not it"

Woman- "A buffalo with an aqualung!"
Host- "No that's still not it"

IN Canada, we refer to pretty much ANYONE from teh Middle East as East Indian, Hindu (I know it's a religion) or other more derogatory terms.

ASIAN's are Chinese, Japanese, Philippino's, Vietnamese etc.

So when you say ASIAN, I think Chinese or the like, when you say Middle Eastern, Hindu, Pakistani, or even Persian, I think of our 'browner' brothers in the middle east.

That's what beiong politically correct has brought us, nothing but confusion.

Whatever happened to CHALKY or Gollywog jam? Damn PC society, I don't get offended when people call em a limey (even though in the south we were known as kippers and not limey's). But I know what they MEAN.

None of my friends mind me calling them a stupid Hindu or or typical lazy Packi bastard, but hey I suppose that's just BC, where we can accept our differences and laugh at them too, weare all still sharing this same big blue ball afterall, it's not like Caucasians are more advanced than another race and we are laughing at in ability or something, just visible and identifiable differences.

As most of you can tell my my typing and reading my posts, I once had a great party trick of smashing glass beer bottles on my forehead. If you do it JUST RIGHT, label out, you will be okay. If you do it wrong, you will cut your forehead open and it hurts like hell. Yes I had to practice and learn the hard way too, never did find a manual!

I almost did it last weekend while away with friends but couldn't bring myself to smash a glass bottle on my forehead for some reason, go figure.

I learned to do it when studying martial arts and how to break boards, they still had STUBBIES in Canada, and those were THICK glass! I have also cut the hell out of my forehead, knocked myself out cold in the middle of a busy kitchen(that would have been funny as hell to watch) and had more than a few pieces of glass embedded in my noggin though. For the few times you can pull it off (at a big enough party) it's really entertaining.

Every over-pumped testosterone junkie in the house will immediately try it and most will cut the hell out of themselves or knock themselves out by not holding the bottle right or holding the label out, IF they have the nads to actually try it and not just think about it while staring at a bottle in their hand, good for paty fun.

of horseshoe bay than where I sold an acre of land just off the east coast of florida. beautiful ocean view.

( and about 1000 feet of water over it all )

only 55 miles off shore.

Addams - creator of Addams Family, has that exact cartoon in his book.

The gal is talking on the phone, asked to do something else and says "I only have 3 hands" (cartoon shows one holding phone, one frying, one holding baby)