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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
Well as OZ appears to be away again I'll start the ball rolling this week.

Cannibals.

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the personnel officer during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our IT Techs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Tech?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool...! For four weeks we've been eating CEOs and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

Have a great weekend guys. :)

Col ]:)

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Friday Morning Haiku

by DMambo In reply to Friday Yuk

Little sleep last night
Went to bed too late for me
Bed early tonight

or

Woke up late today
I did not shower nor shave
Everybody knows

or

I have a headache
j c k finish your brew
some hair of the dog

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Weather joke

by jck In reply to Friday Yuk

Q: Why'd the palm tree fear the hurricane?

A: Cause someone told him a hurricane would surely **** his nuts off.

Drunken hurricane party...my house...let me know you're comin!

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Car Joke

by CuteElf In reply to Friday Yuk

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

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THanks Col

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday Yuk

I was away, and though I was on my computer Thursday night, I was just too bagged and pissed off to think about a Yuk.

So, today actually being Friday (Pacific Time ):
I just got back from the states and saw some pretty stern looking cops. (many of these are repeats i think).

Never Answer Like This...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13. What? You need a license to drive?

14. Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

15. Is your power a ***** substitute?

16. Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

17. Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

18. Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

19. Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

20. A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.

21. I pay your salary!

22. Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

23. Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

24. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

25. Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.

26. My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.

27. Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

28. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

29. You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.

30. In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

31. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

32. Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

33. Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.

34. Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.

35. Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

36. Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

37. There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

38. What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.

39. That uniform makes your *** look really big.

40. You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

41. I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

42. So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Rabbit Test (this just struck me ad funny)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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more

by Oz_Media In reply to THanks Col

I've had fun laughing at cops for a few days so I am on a dumb cop kick I guess.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Slow Cop

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Oh my God!! And I bet the lying ******* also told you I was speeding!

Now that there's funny!

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9 Things I Hate About Everyone

by TomSal In reply to Friday Yuk

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my
crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire
room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
Loser,
I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give
me
a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the
longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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