I was away, and though I was on my computer Thursday night, I was just too bagged and pissed off to think about a Yuk.
So, today actually being Friday (Pacific Time ;)):
I just got back from the states and saw some pretty stern looking cops. (many of these are repeats i think).
Never Answer Like This...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13. What? You need a license to drive?
14. Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15. Is your power a penis substitute?
16. Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
17. Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
18. Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19. Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
20. A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.
21. I pay your salary!
22. Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
23. Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
24. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
25. Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.
26. My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.
27. Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29. You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.
30. In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
32. Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33. Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.
34. Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.
35. Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36. Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37. There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38. What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.
39. That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40. You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41. I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
42. So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
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Rabbit Test (this just struck me ad funny)
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
